BeingReborn

Talked to her on the phone today. We chatted about my work, my apartment, and all the growth I have been doing. She’s proud of me that I’m taking my life in a positive direction.

BUT I think she’s seeing someone. At the end of the conversation she said she was meeting someone and I inquired if it was a friend or someone from work but she said no. I jokingly said so a stranger eh? And she deflected and said she’ll talk to me later.

Also I tried making a joke before that. She asked where my apartment was and I told her I couldn’t tell her and she simply said okay. What I needed her to say was “why?” So I could tease her about the time she looked up all the info of her ex husband’s new house when she found out. Anyways!!….

I feel strange about it. Disappointed that I took to long that she might be seeing someone. I’m trying not to over think about it. I look at the good side. She’s still talking to me and I’m capable of making her laugh still.

My question is (entirely dependent if it is true or not) why doesn’t she just tell me? I remember when we were together her ex boyfriend (the one she cheated on with me) would contact her and she wouldn’t engage. I believe she even told him that she was seeing someone (me). Why not do the same with me this time around?

I can’t do anything about it. I shouldn’t let it get to me. I just got to focus on myself still. I have lots of things to do still with moving into a new place.

I got an apartment elsewhere yesterday. I get to move in on the 13th. It’s pretty nice and was within my budget. I’m excited to move in.

I just want to be interacting with her now. I want to hang out with her and show her all the positive things that have changed now.

I understand I’ve done those things before but that’s not who I am now. She cheated (that’s how our relationship started) and drank just as much as I did during the breakup but I don’t hold any of that against her because it’s her past and it isn’t who she currently is. Shouldn’t it be the same for me?

When her and I talked about getting back together, she had offered to help me out by giving me an apartment before (since she didn’t want me at the house just yet) and I refused stating that it doesn’t align with her desire of me working and being responsible. I wanted to pay for the apartment, not just be given one. What has changed now? I’m ready to get the apartment now but now she doesn’t think it’s a good idea? I mean the only reason it took this long was because of the job situation and that was essentially out of my control. These two months of no contact I feel like helped her move on without me since now she doesn’t want me there. I’m hurt.

The whole reason that I want an apartment at her place is exactly to be close to her. Up until those two months of no contact we had been talking and talking about getting back together. All our email exchanges and phone conversations and texts were of us, me predominantly, discussing it. Of me telling her I wouldn’t give up or move on because the relationship was worth it. Of her professing that I’m the love of her life and questioning if the breakup was a good move. Now that I’m finally ready to make the next move, she’s unsure. That sucks. I’m showing positive improvements and growth. I would have gotten an apartment as soon as possible and a job but it just didn’t work out like that. I know I’m not entitled to anything but I’m just frustrated it took so long that I feel I lost her.

I have to reattract her and gain her respect. After the phone call I kept wanting to call or text defending myself more and fighting for it more but I didn’t want to pressure her into it or seem desperate. Now it’s just playing the waiting game again.

I haven’t given up and it’s just another obstacle to overcome. I told her that i want to live the rest of my life with her, so I’m not gonna give up easily. I told her forever so I won’t give up after a couple of months.

Hey guys it’s been a while.

Small status update since my last post.

We had been in touch for a small bit. I gave her some gifts and she loved them. Then i texted her in the wee hours of the morning telling her good morning and sending her some songs and after the third day of doing so she asked me to stop because I was waking her up and she couldnt go back to sleep. I never replied but I stopped that. That was the last time we really spoke. It’s been almost two months since that incident. That was good in the sense that it allowed me to focus more on myself but it sucked not interacting with her for so long.

Anyways the great news is that I got a job! I start next month on the 8th. I’m still in my home town and I want to get an apartment from her. I know I need to call her and break the silence and tell her the good news and ask her if I can get an apartment from her. I don’t want any special favors or anything. I want to be a regular tenant.

I realized that I do need to have my own place. When we first spoke about getting back together again she said she didn’t want me living with her because her relationship with her daughter had improved since my departure but I wanted to live there to be a full on family.

I learned that with all that was going with my life at the time, changing majors and graduating and losing my job, that I was losing my self identity and I was putting all my self worth with her. I was doing that because I loved her intensely and using her as an answer to where I wanted to go in my life but it wasn’t healthy because it wasn’t balanced. I didn’t have my own thing, my own job or place. I’m young and I have never had my own place to call my own. I went from my moms to hers and being on my own was something I was going to miss out on. Having my own place will let me grow as an individual. It’ll teach me more about responsibilities and how to be self sufficient. It will give us a healthy amount of space where she can focus on herself and the same for myself. I’m excited to get my own place. I can have my own rules and all that great stuff. Finally things are moving when I have felt stuck for such a long time!

Now, I’m excited to have my own place. It’ll be part of this next chapter of my life after school. I do love her still and want her in my life but I’m totally okay not living with her for the time being. I want to take things slow with her too. That’s another thing, we rushed too fast into things and that also wasn’t healthy. I say I want to spend my life with her so it’s a marathon and not so much a sprint.

I believe that what I have learned about myself that our relationship will flourish this time around. I’ve learned so much about myself, about relationships, and where I want to take my life after feeling lost and overwhelmed since graduating college. I’m in a much better mental state now.

Now I got to break the silence and let her know all that. I’m a little nervous but also pretty excited. I’m just nervous she’ll be cold but I got to remain confident and happy regardless of what she says.

I want to call either today or tomorrow and ask to meet up on Monday or so since I’ll be in town for another interview (it’s funny, now that I got a job I’ve been called twice by two different companies I’ve applied for interested in doing interviews, I’m doing them to keep doors open and maybe something better opens up). I want to reattract her, gain her respect again, and show her I’m not like her ex’s. That I’m me, a new and improved me excited to work and have my own place and get her back!

Yeah I know having a job is a basic requirement for life.

She called me today and we talked about it.

She said the question was insulting and that I don’t know her even though I claim that I do. However I do know, what I did was ask an asinine question to which I already knew the answer for.

She feels that I don’t want to work. She feels that “it’s my lifestyle that I’ve live off of people”. I understand that it looks like that to her. I didn’t defend myself, I just listened. She said that’s why I asked that question.

However I don’t think it’s fair of her to compare me to her ex lovers. I am just starting out in joining the workforce. I grew up vastly different than her. Her father made her work since she was a teen. I was fortunate that my mother never wanted me to work telling me to focus on my studies. I didn’t have the lifestyle of a bum/freeloader, I had the lifestyle of a student. And I just graduated school so I’m making a big transition in my life going from a student to having a career. But she doesn’t see that, she sees it from her perspective based off her previous experiences with these men. I want to tell her that, to differentiate myself from them but I feel that it’s not worth it and actions speak louder than words and all I have to do is get a job.

What a god damn ride it has been.

She finally emailed me this past week.

She apologized how the night we last saw each other went and asked how I was. She then talked about why she loves me and why she left me. She said she misses me and thinks about me everyday. She says I’m the love of her life. She says her kid asks about me constantly. She wonders if the break up was a mistake. All in all a good email.

I replied addressing her questions and her points and she replies with just a “I love you”

Yesterday I had to go to court close to her city and I called her while I was on my way. We talked for an hour and I asked if I could spend the night and she agreed.

I get there and we have a beer and then make love for the rest of the night. The passion was high.

Today we made love and took a shower together and had breakfast. I went to court but came back to hang with her until I had to leave back home. We talked things through during lunch about what our next move was.

We ran some more errands and then we go to a coffee shop to get some caffeine in me before I leave back home. We talk more intensely, about our future and maybe having a child together.

I bring up the topic about me having a job. I told her I know I have to have a job to be a productive member of society and to pay off my debts and what not but I ask her to clarify her desire for me to have a job because I felt that it was a condition for her love instead of both being separate entities. She told me that she finds it unattractive and that it makes me look like a bum and she doesn’t want to bring me around anyone when I don’t have a job. She says that it’s not about the money but it would be nice to be taken out and she got visibly disturbed. She took off to the bathroom and came back and she says that I brought up a point that made her realize that she doesn’t find me attractive and she storms off. I got my keys from her truck and she told me to leave.

I left back to my hometown flabbergasted and in disbelief. I laughed at what had just occurred because of how obscure it felt. I asked her a question and she blew up on me. Idk what to think.

It was going all so well. She emails me professing her intense love for me, we see each other and passionately enjoy each other’s company. We spend the day running errands and having fun and with one single question she says she realizes she’s my attracted to me.

I mean I know it’s imoortant to have a job but I felt that her love was purely conditional on me having a job. I just wanted to clarify and understand her point of view in the subject matter.

She mentioned how her previous lovers never had a job and now I feel that she lumped me into that group. I think it’s unfair based on the circumstances of myself as an individual but I believe she feels that she’s falling into the same cycle as before and being taken advantage of.

When she told me to get out of her truck I just said goodbye. I haven’t tried to reach out.

I know I need to get a job and have been continuing my search and it was too early to meet with her without acquiring the one thing she desired from me and it just frustrated her and especially when I asked that question.

Today I got called from a number from her hometown and I thought it was intel but it was for the aerial field photographer position and it’s been like three weeks since the interview. He let me know they chose another person. I was more disappointed that it wasn’t intel, haha!

But that means intel must be meant for me! 😉

I’ve been going by the motto “you only fail if you give up”. I know our love was special, real special, compared to all our other past relationships especially for her. I know she loved me intensely and it broke her heart to have to break up with me. She wants me to prove to her I can get on my feet and I will do it.

I know i shouldn’t regret but I regret not talking to her about getting back together and the plan we needed to take to make us work when I saw her for the last time. I was too scared it would go south and just wanted to enjoy the night with her and her kid.

I did a couple of big things recently that I believe were a good and healthy choice.

The biggest thing was i deleted our conversation history on my phone. I kept living in there, in the past, and kept looking at our messages and photos we exchanged. It was hard but I did it. I do regret it because I’m one to keep everything but it was preventing me from moving on and I was losing precious time living in the past.

I also put everything she has ever given me in a box and put it away. I essentially had a shrine in my room. That also I believe wasn’t healthy. I put the clothes she gave me away too because wearing it was just a constant reminder of her.

I blocked her IG and her number as well.

I’m not trying to forget her but out of side and out of mind just so I can start really getting my stuff together. Like the website said, I am addicted to her and all these things were a way of getting my fix of her and that wasn’t allowing me to reach sobriety.

I want to be happy on my own. I want to be my own man. I have my plans for the coming years and now is the time to act and not stop working. That was my problem with the relationship. I was comfortable and had no real drive to be my own thing. It should never have been like that. I was doing the minimum to keep her happy and to just focus on the relationship and that wasn’t right of me. I should have been trying to be the best damn person I could be in all areas of my life.

I know I can be insanely successful if only I do and not say.

I want to read so many books to educate myself. I want to cut all time wasters and be doing something that helps achieve my goals at all times. I want to work to pay off debts and save money and on my off time I want to work on my goals. I want to open up my gym and eatery. I want to do my inventions. She said I “have wonderful ideas and she could have supported me but I wasn’t willing to do the work” and she was right. I let them stay ideas instead of working on them. That’s what also put her off of me.

I believe if I work super hard on myself. Achieve my goals, little by little, and work on bettering myself in all aspects, and show her when the time is right that I can get her back.

I love her deeply. I want to become equal partners. I want to grow. I just need to start doing it.

Time does go by fast.

My friends brother told me that it works a hundred percent of the time that if you just move on, work on yourself, go on dates, that they will definitely contact you. I am just not ready yet. It’s only been a couple of months and now I’m finally going to start on myself, really start on myself. I do worry that she will move on by the time I am ready, since I need a lot of time, but I also have to remind myself that it won’t be easy for her. I want to believe that she is going through the same emotional intensity of our separation as I am. Like the website said, it will take a while. I just feel that since she blocked me this last time that she finally moved on but I guess my mind is playing games with me. I know she loved me incredibly and she is thinking of me…. I dreamt of her last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was a crazy dream and not really a happy one. It was so weird.

Anyways happy New Years everyone !