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Yea, you’re right! It’s so terrifying. But it’s so worth the risk which is why I’m gonna risk it again with him. Just gotta be patience I guess and wait for him to also realise it’s worth the risk.
Thanks heaps for all the advice. You’re an absolute gem xI know! It’s so frustrating, he’s so insecure and doesn’t thinj he deserves me and deserves to be happy and he’s worried that he won’t be able to treat me how I deserve and all that. He’s really scared about how intense his feelings are for me because he’s never felt anything like it and doesn’t want to ruin things completely forever so his logic is that when he’s more stable emotionally and financially he’ll win back my trust no matter how much it takes. So he thinks that if he calls it quits now and presues me later when he’s certain he can make me happy etc then it’ll all be ok. He’s worried that if we get back together he’ll scared again and lose me forever.
So he’s telling me to move on although it’s not necessarily what he wants.
He didn’t contsct me during NC because I told him not too, I told him I needed space and would talk to him when I’m ready, I did 20 days of NC. But he told me he hated it and never wants me to not speak to him again.
He still wants to talk at the moment and he wants to show me his new car, he talked on the phone to me for over 2hrs today as I was a bit emotional. I know he still cares but I just don’t know how to show him that it’s ok to be scared about being inlove, it makes you so vulnerable and that’s ok. He’s never been vulnerable before, he’s never felt this way which is why he’s freaking out because he never believed in love or anything like that.
should I do another round of NC but this time not tell him that I don’t want to talk?
That way he might actually think he’s losing me and see that he’s made a mistake.I think it sounds like she’s confused and is in a rebound.
I think NC would be good. It’s up to you how long you want to do it for.
You guys were together for a long time, it’s impossible to fall out of love with someone that quick.
If you feel like you’re enough to do false friendship without being pushy and bringing up the relationship then go for it but if you think it might be to hard then do a little bit of NC and regain your composure.
My ex is cirrebtly in a rebound and I’m finding it extremely hard to talk to him without being pushy etc. so I’ve now told him that we should only talk when it involves my car (he’s a mechanic).
Although my situation is a little different as he still plans on marryinge and tells me he loves me and cares me about me etc.But I think if you feel you can successfully do false friendship then go for it but if you think you’re not ready yet then do a round of NC and then reach out.
@patrick d that helps heaps! It’s hard not to talk about it, sometimes I just like to get everything off my chest sometimes, as I’m sure you would too.
You’re right though, I need to start focusing in myself and being the ‘old me’. Talk about my interests and all that.
Thanks for the reply!If she’s seeing someone else it’s likeky its a rebound. The best course of action to take is to do NC or initiate a false friendship if you’re strong enough for that.
But either way, don’t be pushy, talk about the relationship or get angry with her.
Make some positive changes in your life and start focusing on you.That’s such great news! I’m so happy for you!
Just wondering how long you guys were split up for?
And what you did to stop yourself from contacting him during NC when he contacted you?You go girl! 🙂
If it’s meant to be, it will be. Don’t lose hope. You just need to give it time.
Trust me, if sge loved/love you she will not forget you. Even in years to come, you can’t just ‘not remember’ someone you’ve shared an intimate bond with.I’m seeing my ex today, we’re going out for coffee. Im not too sure what to do anymore, he has another gf but wants to get with me, just not right now. He’s very kind to me but I’m not gonna wait around while he’s in another relationship.
I hope everything works out for you, @jeanvalins.
Thanks @caz15, I’ll check it out 🙂
Ps. It feels good to be in control for once. I initiated no contact and said we’re not going to talk again until I feel ready.
I don’t think he actually expected me to say we need some space, he was a bit shocked and upset on the phone and I know he doesn’t like it when we’re not talking.
So I feel like even me just doing that will help as I’ve always been very patient and understanding and went along with everything.I’m concerned it won’t be either but I’ve been doing this hot and cold, empty promises stuff for 4 months now and I’m at the point where I need either need some closure or some more effort. If after the few weeks he’s still hot and cold about us and isnt willing to put in more effort then I’ll have to walk away.
What I’m asking of him isn’t much, especially if he does mean what he says and is serious about us sorting through our issues.
All I want from him is to feel like I’m actually important to him rather than a second option or thought.
I don’t want to jump straight back into a relationship and move in together again but I do want his actions to start meeting his words.
Just simple things like going out for coffee and talking more than once or twice a week for 5 minutes.
Do you think that’s fair considering he’s telling me he still loves me and cares about me and wants to work through things?It’s only day 1 of not talking to him and I’m so terrified that when I decide to contact him again he’s gonna still have the same views.
I did 21 days of no contact about a month after we broke up and when we started talking again he told me that he hated not talking to me and really likes that were talking again. So hopefully these couple of weeks will have the same effect on him and he’ll realise how much he hates it when I’m not around again and will want to make more of an effort for me.
During these couple of weeks I’m going to write down everything I think and feel and all the questions I have and then when we talk again I want to have a convo with him about these questions and feelings. Do you guys think that’s a good idea?
He’s very open with me and always says that I should to him and let it all out.
The whole time we were together I was always very big on talking whenever he or I had issues or doubts so he knows that I’ll want to talk about serious things after these few weeks.So I spoke to him on the phone and said that I think we both need some time think and reflect on the situation. He sounded kind of upset that I wanted space but also said that if I think it’s what I need to do then he understands.
I sent him this message afterward as he could only for like 2 minutes because he was working.‘I hope you understand why I think we need time to think. I’m very emotional lately and need time to clear my head and figure out if I’m going to be able to do this for months to come, or how ever long you plan on staying with her.
And I don’t want to argue anymore, but at the moment a lot of trust has been broken by me and by you and we’re both very defensive because of it.
And I think it’ll be good for you too. It’ll give you some time to figure out what your priorities are and what you’re willing to win and lose at the end of this.
I care for you very dearly, and want nothing more than for us to be happy again. Which is why I think we both need some time to think about what we really want and what we’re willing to do to achieve that.
I hope you have a great week 🙂 I’ll text you in a week or 2 and see if you want to come round for coffee and we’ll have a chat’He replied saying ‘thank you’.
Not sure what that means but I feel a lot better even just by sending that text.
How does that sound? @labound
Thanks so much for the advice, guys. I guess I’m just scared that if I do NC it’ll ruin what ever it is we have now.
I’m thinking about telling him that we both need space to think about what we really want and seeing what he says. I don’t think I’ll go a full 30days as I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ll probably go a few weeks and then get in contact with him and see where his head is at and then go from there.
I understand that he has no place to live if he breaks up with this girl but all I’m asking for is a little more commitment/effort on his side. So he can’t offer me that after NC then I think I might have to walk away. Because I do need to have a bit more respect for myself and hold myself higher than this.
