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So my ex is currently in a rebound relationship but wants me to wait around, well sort off. When we split up he always intended on getting back with me, it was made very clear from the beginning. It’s been 4 months now and he’s currently in a new relationship (has been for a month)but has made it very clear to me that it’s not serious and he doesn’t have any feelings for her but needed a place to live so he started dating her so he could move in. Moved in 2 days after dating. He’s told me from the beginning of their relationship that he still loves me and cares about me wants to get back together but can’t untill he gets on his feet financially and is able to find another place to stay/get his own place as he doesn’t have to pay rent or for food or anything at his new partners place. I’ve been having a hard time coping with the situation lately and have been yelling at him/arguing flat out for the past week or 2, we spoke tonight and he said that if I can’t handle it than maybe we shouldn’t talk as he realises how hard this situation is for me but also told me that he still feels the same about me and plans on getting back with me and that I just need to have faith and trust him. He also told me that he doesn’t want to stop talking to me and he doesn’t want to stop talking to him but he can see that im not coping very well.
I’m so confused on what to do.
Should I walk away and hope he misses me and chases after me or stick it out but just be a little more distant than normal? Or should I start using the tricks in the relationship reward manual about how to engage/reignite the passion between us?
I don’t want to fight with him anymore as I can see its pushing him away. I’m turning into someone I never wanted to be, I was always very loving, caring and understanding throughout our relationship and break up (he broke up with me because he’s very mentally unwell and wanted to fix himself so he doesn’t drag me down) but now I’m turning into something that makes him think I’m out to fuck him over and hurt him. So I really want him to see that I still care and I’m still here for him but I also don’t want him to think that I’m just gonna wait around for him while he does whatever.
I know for a fact that he doesn’t even sleep in the same bed as his new gf; he sleeps on the couch/foton every night. They haven’t had sex or even tongue kissed and he has no intention to have sex with her or get serious with her in any way. So I’m thinking if I stick around and can show him the person he fell in love with and all the reasons why and be the woman I used to be then it could speed up this process.
I know he will get back with me, he wouldn’t lie and tell me all this otherwise. And he wouldn’t of put up with my mood swings and me always yelling at him if he didn’t want to get back with me.
Just unsure of how to handle this situation.
Is anyone in a similar situation or can anyone offer any advice?
Thanks guys!My ex did something similar. I’d follow the steps given in this site.
I’m kind of wondering though, would you really want to be with someone who is openly using another person and who expects you to wait, stay single and be at the back burner while they have the perks of another relationship?? That screams selfish to me.
The whole point of NC is for you. And I think you should use that time for yourself and do some soul searching… Take time to find out what you really want and what’s really best for you.You definitely need NC. Honestly, he is using that situation as an excuse to do the following: keep you at the ready in case this new girl doesnt work out.
Good news: if you want him back, you can get him. Bad news: if you openly make it known you are willing to wait while he is in this relationship, you will forever be a doormat to him.
Have some self respect. You deserve better! He can be better but you have to show him that by not taking his shit. Become respected by him, stand up and be happy and strong without him. You can do it. NC gets easier and youll be making a very strong statement. He is in a rebound relationship… go about your own path and make something beautiful out of it. If he comes back, make him realize it’s a privilege to be with you.
I would definately no contact. He’s stringing you along
He has a new relationship while keeping you around on the sidelines too
In my opinion, the only way you’ll see him take action instead of giving you seemingly empty promises is by removing yourself from the situation and moving on.
You might think its best to stay in his life but trust me, if he truely wants you, knowing he may have lost you for good will prompt him to take action to keep you.Thanks so much for the advice, guys. I guess I’m just scared that if I do NC it’ll ruin what ever it is we have now.
I’m thinking about telling him that we both need space to think about what we really want and seeing what he says. I don’t think I’ll go a full 30days as I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ll probably go a few weeks and then get in contact with him and see where his head is at and then go from there.
I understand that he has no place to live if he breaks up with this girl but all I’m asking for is a little more commitment/effort on his side. So he can’t offer me that after NC then I think I might have to walk away. Because I do need to have a bit more respect for myself and hold myself higher than this.So I spoke to him on the phone and said that I think we both need some time think and reflect on the situation. He sounded kind of upset that I wanted space but also said that if I think it’s what I need to do then he understands.
I sent him this message afterward as he could only for like 2 minutes because he was working.‘I hope you understand why I think we need time to think. I’m very emotional lately and need time to clear my head and figure out if I’m going to be able to do this for months to come, or how ever long you plan on staying with her.
And I don’t want to argue anymore, but at the moment a lot of trust has been broken by me and by you and we’re both very defensive because of it.
And I think it’ll be good for you too. It’ll give you some time to figure out what your priorities are and what you’re willing to win and lose at the end of this.
I care for you very dearly, and want nothing more than for us to be happy again. Which is why I think we both need some time to think about what we really want and what we’re willing to do to achieve that.
I hope you have a great week 🙂 I’ll text you in a week or 2 and see if you want to come round for coffee and we’ll have a chat’He replied saying ‘thank you’.
Not sure what that means but I feel a lot better even just by sending that text.
How does that sound? @labound
It’s only day 1 of not talking to him and I’m so terrified that when I decide to contact him again he’s gonna still have the same views.
I did 21 days of no contact about a month after we broke up and when we started talking again he told me that he hated not talking to me and really likes that were talking again. So hopefully these couple of weeks will have the same effect on him and he’ll realise how much he hates it when I’m not around again and will want to make more of an effort for me.
During these couple of weeks I’m going to write down everything I think and feel and all the questions I have and then when we talk again I want to have a convo with him about these questions and feelings. Do you guys think that’s a good idea?
He’s very open with me and always says that I should to him and let it all out.
The whole time we were together I was always very big on talking whenever he or I had issues or doubts so he knows that I’ll want to talk about serious things after these few weeks.I think you’re on the right track. you explained yourself and you didnt pressure him.
Im just concerned that just a couple weeks isnt enough time. You will still be viewed as being on the back burner.
I’m concerned it won’t be either but I’ve been doing this hot and cold, empty promises stuff for 4 months now and I’m at the point where I need either need some closure or some more effort. If after the few weeks he’s still hot and cold about us and isnt willing to put in more effort then I’ll have to walk away.
What I’m asking of him isn’t much, especially if he does mean what he says and is serious about us sorting through our issues.
All I want from him is to feel like I’m actually important to him rather than a second option or thought.
I don’t want to jump straight back into a relationship and move in together again but I do want his actions to start meeting his words.
Just simple things like going out for coffee and talking more than once or twice a week for 5 minutes.
Do you think that’s fair considering he’s telling me he still loves me and cares about me and wants to work through things?Ps. It feels good to be in control for once. I initiated no contact and said we’re not going to talk again until I feel ready.
I don’t think he actually expected me to say we need some space, he was a bit shocked and upset on the phone and I know he doesn’t like it when we’re not talking.
So I feel like even me just doing that will help as I’ve always been very patient and understanding and went along with everything.
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