Boards Reconciliation Totally broken… need advice

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    Probably too common of a story, but I hope I can get some insight. Thanks for reading.

    Me (36M), an expat on her (30F) country for many years. We met 7 years ago and had a bouncy but mostly happy relationship since then. She always had ideas about moving to a different country, but many do on her country so I never thought nothing of it. Besides, if she really wants to go, I would be ok going with her. After all I am already away from my own country.

    Anyway, she got an opportunity to go to the country she wanted to visit family members. This happened once before and she came back a month after. She has a job and responsibilities back home, so again I thought nothing of it. She was going to be back after a month. This was back in March 2022.

    After a few days she was there she mentioned about possibly finding temporary work there. Her aunt had some connections that could make that happen. Consciously I thought nothing of it.

    I think unconsciously though I started getting insecure. I found myself creating a dating profile. I didn’t have any intention of using it. I put a couple pictures and logged out. I don’t think I even browsed it to check on anyone.

    The day after she send me a message with a screenshot of my dating profile. Some friend of hers saw it and sent it to her. That shattered her trust, and I had no good explanation for it. I apologized profusely. We kept talking, with her becoming more and more distant, and with me starting to feel that and becoming more and more needy. I was scared of losing her. I wanted contact, sometimes she would ignore my messages, or calls, she was not sweet anymore. I felt that things were going downhill.

    Couple weeks ago she spelled out it was over. And that she decided to stay abroad. I couldn’t handle it. I pleaded, I promised, I begged. To no avail. She didn’t fully block me, I can still message her, but it seems she put me on a spam/reject list and only reads my messages when she feels like, but no replies. I started feeling rushes of anxiety, couldn’t sleep properly, couldn’t eat properly, couldn’t work properly. For more than once I thought about hurting myself, but I don’t think I went this low yet.

    I then found this site. While hurting so bad, I decided it was best to step away and NC. That was 5 days ago.
    I stopped messaging her, still checking her profile and online status once in a while, when available to me. I know it’s not healthy. I know I am down a spiral. And I need some help getting out of it.

    I am planning on going through with the 30 day NC. After that I want to get in touch and try to get close again and go abroad to see her. But some different idea came through these past days.

    I have a mental health benefit from my job. I already scheduled a coach for me to talk this through and try to get more stable for what is coming. I am also entitled so some therapy sessions, of which I could make them into couple counseling sessions.

    With all this, I would appreciate some input. How screwed am I? Is there still a chance of saving this after 30 day NC? What would be a good message/approach to break NC after 30 days? And, most importantly considering the last paragraph, is it worth it to break NC to offer the possibility of trying couples counseling?

    Thanks peeps. Above all wish me luck. I will need it.

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