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We had a strong relationship for over a year but the last few months I disappointed her multiple times with my needy and selfish behavior so she left me.
After 15 days of NC I started texting her and she was responsive. We talked about random stuff, I tried to keep things casual and funny. But on the 4th day we talked a bit about our past relationship and our feelings and as I said I was sorry for treating her bad, she responded:
“I love you very much, but sometimes you behave like a child. Anyway, I want us to remain friends”.
She later invited me to her place for dinner and to watch a movie (we usually did that while hugging)
The thing that bothers me is that I don’t know how to interpret “I want us to remain friends”.
When we see each other should I try to kiss her and talk her to get back together?
If not then how do I spark attraction and intimacy once again?Any advice is appreciated
@nick1697 – Do and say the kind of things that attracted her to you in the first place. Don’t bring up the friendship thing unless she does. Then say you’re not really interested in being casual friends and if there’s anything you can do to change her mind as to trying to reconcile. It would take both of you wanting to reunite and maybe discussing what each of you can do to improve the chances.
I don’t know what she meant by you act like a child, but whatever it is, stop it!
Update: We met twice. We had a great time together. We talked, hugged, kissed, had sex. Our communication has improved significantly and we are a lot closer than we used to be in the last few months of our past relationship but she still remains unsure whether she wants by in a relationship with me again. She says she is afraid that if we get back together the feelings will fade (which I highly doubt)
I told her that I’m not interested in being friends and she asked me to give her some time to think. I’m currently waiting for her answer…
@nick1697
You never explained how you were acting childish? If you’re having good times together plus having sex, isn’t that the same as giving her all the benefits of a relationship without the title? Anyhow, she asked you to give her time to think about it, so don’t contact her too much and don’t nag her about it.
Good luck.I guess that by her saying I act childish she meaned my neediness. Anyway, we continue to see each other and generally the time we spend with each other is good. Over the last two weeks we had a couple of dates, we kissed a lot in a very passionate way, had sex as well, we text regularly each day.
However, one night she told me that we’ll try to be together once again but she won’t be the same. Meaning that she doesn’t have the feelings towards me that she used to have in the past. And she really doesn’t. She no longer talks to me as if to a lover but as if to a friend. Sometimes she doesn’t let me hug her or hold her hand. Yet sometimes I see her craving for my hugs and kisses. And this occasional cold behavior hurts me and confuses me. So my question is how serious should I take her words that “she won’t be the same” and do you think feelings could ignite again? How long should I continue tolerating her cold behavior?
@nick1697 – How old are you both? Isn’t it important to know exactly what she meant by “childish”? Apparently that’s one of the main reasons she broke up with you. I’m not clear on what you mean by neediness either. Can you describe it?
Now it seems you’re friends with benefits. I don’t think texting everyday is a good idea if you’re the one initiating. Maybe that would seem needy. Feelings later on in a relationship generally aren’t as intense as in the beginning, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the love is gone. You don’t want to be friends, yet you’re accepting friendship on her terms. It’s up to you how long are you willing to tolerate her hot and cold behavior. Most people would walk away unless the other person wanted to try to fix the problems. Maybe you should take her at her word that she won’t ever feel the same about you and maybe it isn’t possible to reignite her feelings.
It seems she is taking advantage of you by allowing affection at times and rejecting it at other times and I think that’s cruel. But it could be that you’re overly hanging on to her every minute and that’s what she meant by childish, I don’t know.
There’s a saying; you don’t know what you had until you lose it. You could stand up for yourself and tell her what you want and need, otherwise you’re done. Or you could have an adult conversation about what both of you want and need in a relationship. Strong feelings can sometimes be reignited by absence; as in ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. Or perhaps behaving as in the beginning, yet with known undesired qualities removed.
You could also attend couples counseling or together talk with your pastor. I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else to say right now except I wish you good luck..
She sounds like a traditional woman who is looking for a man who is strong (not physically strong, strong in character) to be the leader in the relationship. The “you behave like a child” comment is one that a traditional guy with a leadership role would never expect to hear.
Right now she appears to be the leader and is in control of the relationship and it doesn’t sound like that is an arrangement that is attractive to her. She is deciding if you are together or not, not you. Because she doesn’t view you as a leader, she is OK being friends with you but not OK with being boyfriend/girlfriend.
I agree with patricia that you are currently ‘friends with benefits’ and patricia said “You could stand up for yourself and tell her what you want and need, otherwise you’re done”
I’d agree but I’d go even further. What do you think you can do to reassert a leadership role? Can you show a leadership role in your job that she can be made aware of? A leadership role in some other activity? Could you make other women interested in you somehow to show her that you are a person who is attractive and who can be a leader? Could you do some activity with her where it shows you in a leadership role?
You need to reassert yourself as a person who is able to take care of things. This doesn’t mean ordering her around, it means showing that you are someone worthy of being followed.
When you go out, are you only doing things she wants to do? Or are you doing things you want to do (she should have some interest) where you manage things and appear to be in a leadership role. Are you working on your career? If everything is a focus around what she wants and what she needs, you are going to be her doormat and she will not be attracted to you.
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