She canceled the meet up and told me she wants us stop talking. what do i do!?

Long story short she’s asked me to come round and “cuddle” cause her anxiety is bad. What is going on!! I’m so confused!

Ok so Sunday night after she sent me the photo of her dog we ended up speaking and she told me that she knew she was being cold and never meant to be. She told me she’s still speaking to people but not in that way (when I know she is ). Anyway she kind of opened up and said “Could you even forgive me for what I’ve done cause if it was the other way I couldn’t”. and I basically told her she did nothing wrong as we aren’t together and that the past is the past and we shouldn’t let it affect the future etc. We ended up talking and we agreed that the routine broke us apart and that we took each other for granted and neglected each other. She even said she knows it is cause of that. Anyway we got off relationship talk and we just started speaking and she didn’t want to get off the phone with me. It was like old times. Anyway we hang up later as she has work the next day.

The next morning around 5am she messages me “Hello urm I know you have uni and I shouldn’t ask but I can’t go to work today I’m really in a state I havn’t slept and my anxiety is making me feel like shit. Say no if you want but could we maybe just chill put a film on and kinda just cuddle I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not but I kinda want to”

So I leave it till around 10am and I asked her to phone me and she made an excuse that she was going to the doctors then meeting her mom. Anyway long story short she was lying and I went to her house. She let me in we talked. Eventually she told me that she was going into town to get her nipples pierced and she couldn’t exactly tell me that without feeling awkward. I asked her if she was meeting someone and that I didn’t mind if she did but she said no and asked me to come if that was what I wanted.

So anyway we go to town, she was hungry so we I took her to an Italian place (her favourite food, I’ve always wanted to take her but we never did) and it was nice. Take in mind I tried to keep it as casual as possible although I hugged her a couple times during the day. Anyway we went to the piercing place and she wanted me to come in with her and hold her hand. Anyway she had her piercing (in front of me) and then we went to sea life centre. We had fun although one of the tours was super boring. Anyway afterwards we went for a coffee and chilled. I then insisted in taking her home. When we were at her house we ended up getting sexual. We were going to have sex but she stopped us then we just did something else (sexual). I know it wasn’t right but it kind of just happened. I tried to kiss her and she didn’t kiss me back. She became really cold and weird. Anyway I let her know that I was going to London to see my friend for a party and went home and she messaged me this while I was on the train…

“Hello I’m sorry I went weird it was just because I felt a bit anxious when you were leaving and because I have work tomorrow and I felt weird after having you know like we may be rushed into that. I hope you enjoy your night stay safe”

I told her I agreed we rushed it and told her to have a good day. She replied

“I did have a lovely time today completely cheered me up I thought we had fun. Thank you”

I replied I the morning and we ended up texting each other casually while I was on my way home and I eventually asked if she minded if I phoned her. On the phone I told her straight that I missed her and if she maybe wanted me to come round so we could chill. She said yes but she told her mom she was ill so she didn’t go into work but her mom doesn’t know she has actually quit work instead so she told me I would have to go at around 5pm.

So I got there we talked everything was good I hugged her a few times then we ended up cuddling and after a while she told me it didn’t feel right and that she felt weird and she still doesn’t know what she wants. We ended up talking about the relationship and she again said she knows it’s going to end the same way and then told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. We ended up talking about it again and I told her I didn’t want to argue. we ended up cuddling again and it kind of lead to sexual things again but her father came in the house so we stopped and she told me she didn’t feel right again. She eventually told me again she wasn’t in love and she doesn’t feel the same way and she doesn’t know what she wants whether to get back together or not and she said she’s happy on her own then we started off again and eventually I snapped and told her I slept with the girl I met in London to see a reaction and she denied me seeing her and that she knew I was lying but eventually she believed me and started crying and that when I said “see you do care and it does bother you and that’s why i’m bothered when you speak to people” (I obviously told her I didn’t sleep with her and she believed me ) and then I just snapped again and told her to

“fuck off and to go ahead and speak to these random black guys she was speaking to and probably fucking and that she can either choose me or them and I also said I felt like a plan b like I’m just there in case something goes wrong I told her she didn’t give a shit about me I said to never to speak to me again”

I obviously didn’t mean it and I apologised immediately and she told me it was ok and that she didn’t care but she hated the fact we are arguing and this vibe and she asked me to leave and we could meet another time as she didn’t want to talk about this right now. Anyway she was standing up pushing me away every time I tried to hug or comfort her. Eventually I said “ enough of this. It’s time to stop this bullshit. I don’t want to be in this cycle anymore and we’re human. We have a choice and we don’t have to do this like I’ve said. Can you just sit down I won’t try to hug you I just want you to calm down and relax cause I’m not arguing anymore. We keep bringing stuff up and it’s damaging us making us more distant. I don’t want to keep doing this and we don’t have to”

She sat down and said “i wish things were different. But right now I’m happy on my own and I don’t feel like I’m in love with you and yesterday yeah I had fun but I didn’t feel as if anything was there I felt like we were just friends and I don’t want to keep doing things as if we’re together because I don’t know what I want and right now I don’t want to be together”

I told her “I admit I want my girl back as I miss her and I do want to give it another shot and I know you say you’re not in love with me but I don’t completely believe that as I don’t believe love just disappears , I feel like it may fade into the back of your mind when our relationship was overloaded with negativity and routine but I don’t believe you complete are not in love with me and we can’t just flip a switch and fall back in love it takes time, just cause we’ve met and you don’t feel like it at the moment it doesn’t mean you’re not and yesterday I deliberately tried to keep it on a friendly casual basis as we can’t just suddenly act like a couple”

A while past and we changed the subject and we just started talking about random things. Having conversation. We talked for ages then I said “ I know it’s abit random but do you want to go to the cinema and chill” She thought about it for a minute and she said “ I would and I want to don’t get me wrong but my mom thinks I’ve taken the day off cause I’m ill and doesn’t know I’ve quit work and she’ll be pissed if I go out”. Anyway I asked her and tried to convince her a couple times as she seemed genuine like she wanted to come and eventually she just says “I don’t feel like going out plus I have a headache and it will take a while to do my make-up but we can do it another time” So I get a taxi from her house we hug for a brief second but she always pulls away first. I got home and about a couple hours later she messages me about a celebrity who died last week and asked if I knew about it. I think she’s trying to start conversation. But yeah… it’s been a dramatic couple of days and I don’t know what to do! I feel like if i do nc she’ll move on and if I speak she seems like she changes her mind for a moment then goes back to cold turkey. I just don’t know what to do. I admit I acted a bit unattractive with my random hugs. I need to work on that aswell as my outbursts and just hold it in. I need to stop bringing stuff up aswell as her.

I just don’t know how to go about things right now. And I’m very thankful for all of your replies! Don’t get me wrong! I will go through all your posts once my head is clear! I just feel like shit. I’m confused.

I forgot to add she said she feels depressed and her anxiety is playing up with her work and that’s why she quit and i told her she needs to tell her mom the truth why she left work and she told me she would. Also, i ignored the messages she sent me for like an hour and she sent me another message saying “also i did want to go cinema but I didn’t have money to”

There was never much arguing during the relationship, I remember little to none. It’s just now we are arguing and we argue over stupid things like why it went wrong or denying things. It sounds very immature you are right! She makes things very dramatic and I don’t exactly help. I almost add fuel to the fire! Relationships should be alot easier and happier but we aren’t exactly in a relationship right now. I don’t know what this is. I’m trying to reconnect and we do when we don’t bring the past up but as soon as we start talking about the relationship it gets very depressing and then we get angry – start to argue. But I don’t want this! I don’t want to argue anymore. I just want to sort things out where we are both happy. She’s giving me a million different signals. I understand how it must look from your angle, i really do, you must think this is pathetic. maybe it is. All i know is i want us both to be happy. I would let her go if I knew i didn’t have a chance but right now i feel there is hope as she shows positive signals then suddenly becomes cold. I know she she says she is confused but I just don’t understand why she would keep wanting to see me or even talk in that case. For example, i phoned her by accident about an hour ago (my friend was phoning me and i called him back via my phone log and i swiped on her by accident) and she rang back and we had a 5min conversation and i told her i wasn’t being a dick but i rang by accident and i would let her get some sleep as she was tired. i also said when we’re both free we can do something and she said ok yeah. It sounds very complicated for no reason i know. I think this is stupid too patricia12 , really ido ! i hate these stupid games. I’m sick of it. But i just can’t let her go :(.

Quick update, I replied to the “meme”saying it made me laugh and told her to have a good day and that i would text her later. She replied saying “its his face” lol. So when i finished uni i asked if she was busy and said no what far so i asked to phone and she said she would when she was home from the store. So she phoned me and we talked it was nice and i asked if she wanted to hangout today and she said yeah but she would have to rush her make up so it would be easier tomorrow. So i agreed and told her we could grab a coffee and maybe go see a movie or something after. she said ok and asked what we could see etc. Anyway i’ve left it down to her to contact me when she is awake either phone call or text then ended the call as she said her battery was dying. So anyway a couple hours later she sends me another dog “meme” and i replied that i choked on my drink when i was it which i did lol. i then was going through my phone and was clearing my call logs and accidently phoned her. i hung up as soon as the call went to ring. I then messaged her saying was clearing logs didn’t mean to call.

I know i added pointless detail here but do you think this is going well? Like is meeting her a good idea? what should we do?? I’m scared to mess things up again!

So we met at her house cause she needed to borrow my ID to get a bus ticket (my ID has major discount cause I’m a student lol) and we talked and chilled while she was doing her make up. She mentioned to me that some random guy added her on snapchat and was saying things about me and she apparantly defended me and told me I didnt need to get mad cause he was nobody? I changed the topic cause I didn’t want to seem bothered. Anyway we went to a semi-fancy Italian resturant (again) and i ordered her favourite dish. It was nice we talked and then went to see a horror movie. She even mentioned children how shes always wanted a boy and how he would be named after me. And she kept talking about if we had kids and names. She wanted children with me. On the way to the movies we saw a pet show which was on the next day and we immediately wanted to go. I did the classic arm over shoulder move lol during the movie and she moved closer towards me. She kept grabbing me everytime it got scary. It was nice. After the movie ended she asked if i wanted to stay the night at hers and i said ok. She held onto my arm and kept hugging me for warmth. We ended up booking tickets for the pet show for the next day on the way to her house. When we got there we cuddled and watched a comedy. We fell asleep cuddling and woke up and did “sexual things” without details but not sex.

The next day we went to the petshow and chilled. We were a little tired so it wasn’t as livley as the previous day but jt was nice. We then went to a diner. Then back to her house then i went home. I shortned this down obviously but i think its going ok. She asked me if i got home etc. And we ended up talking on phone.

Yesterday she kept spending me cute dog pictures but the conversation was a little hard to pick up via text but in the end i asked her questions and we had conversation. She mentioned yesterday that she was in the mood to see fireworks watch this cartoon and cuddle. So i said we could make that happen tuesday as I’m free. She said “yeah can do”. I immediately changed the topic so it didn’t drag then ended it by saying goodnight. She then messaged me couple hours later to show her dog that was sleeling on a makeshift bed on her floor. Lol.

I think it’s going well although I’m usually the one initiating phone calls but i haven’t called alot recently. It feels like we’re back together. Like we hold hands and do couple stuff. Any advice on how to spice things up or improve? Thanks very much.