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Posts
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Hello,
So my ex of a little over 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. We broke up because towards the end of our relationship, I developed a lot of dependency on him. I had to be with him all the time and when we weren’t together I would text and call him. This was a huge mistake, I now know not to make again. He needed his own space and the time we spent together was actually ridiculous. No one spends that amount of time together, not even a married couple. He doesn’t currently have a full time job and I’m in school so I have summers off, so we would be together 24/7. He would do handyman jobs and I would even go with him to work. It was just two much, we were together constantly night and day.
Before the breakup our relationship was great. We really understand each other and we have a very similar mindset. We have many of the same opinions and views and we really do get along great. There wasn’t much arguing because there wasn’t much to argue about since we are so alike. We also have a lot of the same goals in life and come from pretty similar backgrounds. He was my best friend I told him everything and anything and I was also his best friend that he told everything to. We always wanted to be together and we did not like doing things without each other. He did a lot for me and I did a lot for him in return. He made sacrifices for me that his friends and family said he would never do for another girl. He actually told me himself he wouldn’t do what he did for me for another girl. We get along really great and in my opinion we both truly enjoyed being with each other. The breakup really came out of nowhere for me because I just did not really expect it. I never thought he would break up with me because we were such a good couple.
But anyway into why I’m posting. I’m posting because about a week or so after the breakup, he starting seeing another girl. For some background information, I just want to add that this girl was obsessed with him for a very long time. He has known her since high school and they may have had some kind of a past for a short period of time but I’m not really sure exactly. She would text him and snapchat every once and a while during the time we were dating. He would show me the texts and snapchats and he wouldn’t answer them. He would actually make fun of the girl for being so obsessed with him. Clearly, this girl was very easy access for him and as soon as he broke off things we me, I guess he began to answer her texts. I feel as though he took this new girl and put her directly in my spot. He’s doing all the things we used to do together with this new girl. The relationship is moving really fast. They already put it on Facebook and are posting photos together. He took her to his cousins weeding (that I was supposed to go to, his invitation didn’t even say plus one it said both of our names). This girl is nothing like me which makes it even more confusing. It’s really hurtful that he could already be in a relationship with someone else while I’m still obsessed with him and hoping he comes back to me.
Breaking up with me was hard for him. I could tell by the way the breakup went. He actually started crying a little bit. So it really doesn’t make sense that he could be with someone else. He never gave himself time to cope with the breakup. We really do have a strong connection so I really didn’t think he could move on so fast. Do you guys think this relationship is a rebound relationship and he will probably end up trying to get me back? He seems happy now from the social media posts, so I worry maybe he really is into this girl and thinks she’s better than me. It just doesn’t make sense that if he wanted to be with her why wasn’t he with her before? Why did he spend two entire years with me if he knew this girl was into him and he was into to her? Why did he chose me over her in the past but not now? Just none of it makes sense.
I’m really suffering from this breakup because it just breaks my heart to see him with another girl so soon when I seriously cannot think about being with another guy. It makes me feel as if our two years together meant nothing to him.
I also wanted to add since the breakup we haven’t really spoke. We spoke very few times. I contacted him once and he contacted me once, that was it. I’m not sure if he’s not contacting me because he has this distraction of this other girl, or because he’s too stubborn to admit he misses me and doesn’t want me to be right or if its because he actually wants to be with this girl and not me. However, I’m also not attempting to contact him. Unless you guys think I should?
In case your confused as to why we broke up. I forgot to add that spending all that time together clearly increased the arguing and fighting. It was always about small stupid stuff but because we were together so often it just happened.
Your questions are “Do you guys think this relationship is a rebound relationship?” and “should I contact him?”. As an outsider, here’s what I think.
People generally don’t break up with someone else because they are spending too much time together. If he wanted to spend less time with you, he could have simply said he didn’t want to spend as much time with you. Or, more dramatically, he could have traveled out of state on his own or said he didn’t want you to come to his job. Or since you said you could talk about everything, you could have talked about it to work it through. But more importantly, if that was the reason for the breakup, he wouldn’t be with someone else a week after breaking up.
The most likely reason he broke up is because he started seeing this other girl either in person or just communicating online and he got closer to her and then decided he wanted to try that out and broke up with you so he could do it. On top of it, you said he would snapchat, etc. with her while you were a couple. There was likely more going on there than what you were aware of.
So, is she a rebound? No, I don’t think she is. Will it work out between them? I don’t know. All I know is it seems like he is someone who can switch his mind while in a relationship and so if he gets tired of the other girl, he may contact you while still in a relationship with her. That’s my guess just reading what you wrote.
As far as not contacting him, I think that is the best idea for everyone right now. You need to work on making your life better and need to take time to understand the relationship you had and your feelings towards it. It is still early. And contacting him during the honeymoon phase of this new relationship he has started isn’t going to do anything positive for either of you at this point. At some point, after no contact, if he contacts you, you can decide what you want to do from there.
@mr_the_ex, thank you for your response. I understand what your saying and although I have no idea, I am not denying he was contacting her before we broke up, but that doesn’t exactly mean it isn’t a rebound. Sometimes rebounds do start before a relationship is actually over. There is also a very slim chance that he was seeing this new girl before we broke up because we were together at his vacation house for about a month before we broke up. Also, we did talk about how we did not need to spend all that time together and that it was ruining our relationship many times, but it just happened that we would still always be together. I don’t think he could have lost all feelings for me in such a short amount of time and be able to take those feelings and have them for another girl. The reason for the breakup wasn’t exactly because we were spending too much time together but it was because we were fighting much more because we spent all that time together. I honestly think he started seeing this girl right after the breakup because he did not know how to be without a girl by his side at the time since we were together so much for so long. I’m just wondering, why do you think this new girl is not a rebound?
I can’t know, of course. I can only guess by what you wrote. From what you wrote, you sound like a person he was very lucky to be with. You talked to him, wanted to be with him, cared for him, etc. You say you think you broke up because you were fighting more because you were together so much but I don’t read that much from what you wrote. When you really care about someone, you want to be close to them.
If he was becoming attached to another girl, that would cause fighting. Not because you found out but because he would become distant and it would just create a rift between both of you in the relationship. It would seem like you were fighting about one thing but the truth is, he might be distant or arguing or saying you were spending too much time together because he was talking with someone else.
It could be a rebound, of course, but it seems like there is a long history with this other girl that never really went away. Also, when someone in a relationship says there is someone else who is obsessed or stalking them or whatnot and then they end up with that person, when they said the other person was “obsessed” with them, it was normally just a way of defecting the fact that they kept communicating.
“Why is she talking to you?”.. answer “She is obsessed with me”. Deflects everything on the other person. The truth is, she wouldn’t be talking to him unless he was talking to her as well.
But she certainly could be a rebound relationship that was easy for him to fall back to. In either case, I think you should wait for him to contact you.
I definitely do think there was some history with this girl, but if there was he did chose me over her in the past. He was with me for over two years so it’s just very hard to make sense of why after being with someone for 2 years he would want to go back with someone he knew in the past. I agree that maybe the fighting was because he was being a little more distant but I’m not really sure. I feel like some days it was like that but definitely not all the time. There were days even weeks towards the end of our relationship that were just like the first month we were together and we were in the honeymoon phase but then there were also bad days.
He was such a huge part of my life and I was such a huge part of his so it just doesn’t make any sense that he could just put another girl in my spot. We definitely had something special and it’s just a shame it had to end. I’m really hoping he will come back sometime in the future and for some reason I really do think he will I just hope it’s not too late and I’m not already happy with someone new.
I’m trying to wrap my head around this by thinking “everything happens for a reason” or “what’s meant to be is meant to be” but I honestly do think we were meant to be bc of how much we have in common and how well we get along. Right now, I honestly can’t imagine getting married to or having kids with anyone else other than him. I’m starting to get the feeling like maybe I’m ready to try and move on, but I still feel like eventually it’s all gonna come back to him. It’s a really weird feeling but that’s just how I feel. These feelings may change in the future I really don’t know but all I know is a there will always be a piece of him in my heart and I believe there will always be a piece of me in his even if we don’t get back together.
And honestly if this new girl is the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with then he never even deserved me in the first place because I know I’m much better than her. I’m pretty sure she’s kind of a w**re and she just doesn’t seem like she come from the same kind of background that both my ex and I come from. I also don’t think she has the same opinions and stuff as him just because of the choices she makes.
After a breakup like this (even if you do eventually get back together), some days are good and some days are bad. But overall and over time, every day it gets a tiny bit better. Time gives things perspective and lets the immediate pain heal. And sometimes you’ll be really mad at him and some times you’ll really miss him. And sometimes you’ll be looking for that song that he should listen to so he could know how you feel right now and how much he gave up.
Thank you for your postings! I know you said I shouldn’t contact him until he contacts me but my only worry is what if me not contacting him is actually pushing him further away because he thinks I have moved on and no longer care about him. I also worry that not contacting him will allow him to move forward with his new relationship. I feel like if I do contact it will keep me in his mind but I don’t know what to do. I know now is obviously the worst time for contact because he is still in the “honeymoon phase” of his new relationship but that only lasts a certain amount of time so I was thinking I should contact him once the honeymoon phase is over.
There is no hard and fast rule that says you absolutely shouldn’t do this or that. There is only general advice. And general advice only works in general situations. My advice would be to not contact him now. If you believe he is still in the honeymoon phase of the new relationship, then I would double the advice not to contact him now (you said the same thing).
But once that phase is over, however long that is, you can revisit your decision at that point. Time lets you heal and your decisions will be more clear. Instead of making a decision now, put it off making a decision about what to do until you feel the honeymoon phase would be over.
Trying to figure out what is right at this point is kind of like trying to figure out what to have for dinner when the house is burning. The fire needs to be controlled so it isn’t a problem any more and then you’ll be able to make a better decision. He broke up with you, I’m sure he realizes that you didn’t want the break up. You are worth more than someone who has to ask someone else to be with you. They should want to be with you because they want to be with you, not because you are asking them too.
Thank you so much for your responses! I will take your advice. I am going to wait a little while until I contact him.
UPDATE: I recently had a conversation with my ex. He called me out of no where. We talked for a pretty long time we were both on about an hour and half drive and talked for almost all of it. At times he was being kind of mean and saying stuff to upset me and other times we were talking like normal. Overall, it was a very strange conversation. However, since he was being rude to me I thought it was okay to ask him a few questions. I asked him if he broke up with me for his new girlfriend and he told me he didn’t. I asked this question a number of times and the answer continued to be no. If he really did break up with me for her I think he would have told me especially since he was being pretty mean on the phone. He said she had nothing to do with the reason why we broke up. He says we broke up because he just could not talk it anymore. He couldn’t take me constantly having to be with him. He’s acting really strange. After we got off the phone he sent me a few snapchats. This is very confusing and I’m not sure what this means. I know he is still with the girl, but do you think that this could mean it is a rebound relationship? By the way our conversation went he clearly still has some hurt feelings about me, so what do you think is the best step for me to take? How do I show him I’ve changed and that I’m back to the girl he feel in love with?
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