My complete story in brief, advice TIA?

Hmm, I would go with your gut on that one. It may be that “I’m not ready to go on a date, I am too busy and enjoying a self-improvement phase” response might be more impressive. Kind of, do what she’s not expecting maybe? The new you!

I know exactly how you feel about the lack of contact, it is the same for me. I guess this is how people deal with things sometimes. Comms with my ex have been very difficult, one sided…..

I texted last night and while I got a response, it was not great. On telling her about the new job in her city she said, “That’s a bit weird but suppose its not my place anymore, Happy for you tho”

So I pushed for a catch up, saying that a face to face chat would be better, and I got, “It’s a lot to take in, I’m trying to move on and it will be weird, I don’t want it to be awkward. It just feels messed up”

So not great but I am just trying to calibrate how bad that is, what do you think?

The thing is JB, IF you have a limited amount of time where you are – fight for her. I mean, at least have some sort of communication. Anything is better than the silence (after NC period). Don’t show any anger, only friendship, be fun and don’t ask for anything in return.

I had an ex who cheated on me, went off with someone else and (stupidly) I begged her back. And she came. I shouldn’t have but what I am trying to demonstrate is that anything can be reversed. Sometimes, a subtle fight is needed. You are your best counsel but maybe if you can open up more friendly comms you can build it from there? Like me, I am not sure the distance is doing any good now? What you think (on both our situations! 🙂 )

I think the crux of it is maybe she can’t afford to risk anything (starting her own business), and maybe she sees/saw you as an extra burden. Quite understandably, having made a very brave decision, she is being very protective of her situation. Bullet proof almost. I guess you have to get through that with kindness, support and friendship. If you really do live up to being a support through this time, I am sure the good stuff will follow. The question is whether you have the patience for that, I don’t mean that badly but just that people can be in different places at certain times in life. She has clearly entered a new phase.

I hear you. I am also well known for my lack of patience – I think it kind of mellows a bit with age. I think the patience will really be tested when she cannot give you any guarantees, guidance or whatever. You may need to work what she wants yourself, its really hard to know and maybe she doesn’t know either. You need to have the face to face with her, the same reason I have been pushing for this with my ex.

From reading my ex’s messages she seems determined to break up but I and others, independently believe there are external sources at play. She seems to be in a state of mental conflict and wants the silence to persevere with the break up. I believe her friends and family are probably supporting this too. The last few times I have seen her she has started calm, controlled, almost cold but by the end been crying and emotional. I believe she is trying very hard to control her feelings but I don’t think this is necessarily healthy. In the end you cannot cheat your own heart. We’ll see. You can hide behind texts easier than face to face. That is why I believe we both need face time, honesty and truths.

Hello mate,

I’m gonna offer my thoughts one post at a time:

1. “So after telling me she will get back to me regarding meeting friday, i have made provisional plans. Well i don’t really expect her to come back to me to be honest.

My plans have changed so i would be free all weekend now, however she doesnt need to know that.

My question is guys, i know i said i want see if there is any sort of chance blah blah.

I seem to be struggling with how i should act, i love the girl and still want to be with her, however i am becoming cold to the situation now. I cannot be bothered to make the effort any more.

So how should i act, what do i do of she asks me if i have been on a date. do i reciprocate the question.”

I don’t think there’s any harm in you feeling a little colder, in fact it will probably help because as you know part of the problem with these situation is the other person feeling like they have you round their finger and they’re all in control. You being a bit more aloof and seeming less bothered will take that away from her – there is nothing wrong with putting in less effort, especially in this situation, in fact there are plenty of positives because it can force her to confront her own feelings and put in the effort if she realises she is interested and doesn’t like the lack of contact/attention.

I think there is a chance she may still get in touch with you regarding your meet up, but you’re right don’t tell her you’ve made space for it. If you’re feeling really ballsy it might be worth if she comes back and says “Saturday” saying something like “I have plans Saturday but I could do Sunday” – you then give her the impression that you’re not just waiting around for her and are a busy guy and you’re not prepared to shift your plans around for her. I’m not saying you SHOULD do this, but it’s one possible tactic, you’ll have to judge for yourself.

If she asks if you’ve been on a date I would just be honest, it cannot do any harm and if you say that you have then she will realise that you have other options which will again force her to think about what you mean to her etc. and to act or potentially lose you. Personally I wouldn’t ask her if she’s been dating, although it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you did. I think it looks better if you appear not to care too much for the reasons outlined above and it makes you look NOT jealous, but rather strong.

2.”It’s a tough one isn’t it, at least she has been honest with you I suppose.

Just get your life on track sounds like a good move career wise for you.

My situation I can’t call it I know what I want and as selfish as that sounds. I have to run with that, I can’t please her all the time now.

I have u actually been on any dates although have one the day before we are supposed to meet.

It hard for here I am sure just starting a business leaving her security of a 5 year job etc. however surely you need as much love and support in that time. Her messaging what she did could be her closure of giving me the stuff back who knows.

I think with you the balls with her now. Just try and get on with things, you have showed your cards.”

3. “Well through this process last time before she went cold I offered her help in finding office space and such like. Advice in who to have complete office works for her. This is my job by the way. She never listened about that ever lol.

I agree with you and think a lot of her decisions have been based on fear, that does she need it now, does she want it, would it be easier with someone she worked with as she wouldn’t have time for me but would them.

I feel for her I really do.

To answer the question I am one of the most impatient people ever that’s why this experience has been a huge learning experience and learning curve for me.

So long answer lol, yes I am prepared to be patient but I kind of need to know is that’s what’s needed.”

I’ve lumped the two above together. I think there may be some weight to the theory that if she is starting a new business she perhaps cannot cope with the added stress of relationship issues – not so much having a relationship and the support it offers, but the complex ins-and-outs of re-establishing something with someone you’ve already been with. I would think giving her space when she needs it is a good idea. I would not offer to help her too much though because of how that can be read – I did that with my ex offering to help her with everything and I think that just made her feel like she had me and could do whatever she pleased and I was no challenge. I don’t think women really want you to do everything for them.