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Fred, great job! It’s awesome that there are positives things happening for you!
Jburg,
Unfortunately, the powers that be thought life needed complications. Love and attraction are complex. Then, add in how society wires both men and women, and how popular culture shapes our attitudes as we grow up and mature, it’s no wonder things can’t be as simple as “if we love and care for each other, let’s make it work”. Like you, I feel like it should be that easy. That’s how I viewed my former relationship. Nine years was a marriage to me. No, we weren’t married, but my commitment was known. It wasn’t something she shouldn’t have thrown away (multiple times). If there is any love and attraction (which there is for both people in my case) work should be applied and things can get better. But reality smacked me in the face pretty hard, friend. Love and attraction… Life in general isn’t simple. If it was, there would be no lessons to learn. And I view life as a classroom. We are all better for the lessons…
Really thought this one was it, but riddles with past issues that where boxes away. My ex now helped me face them and and could see I was a good person. However I don’t think she wanted to deal with the exposure to me dealing with the issues.
Which kind of isn’t fair.
If she has someone or not, I hope she can one day let someone in. Because 10 months was enough for me to know. All the major steps where taken by her, she took me home at Christmas to meet the family and friends no BF has ever met the parents. So I don’t get her behaviour now. Thanks guys
It’s about emotional vulnerability. She just needs to feel safe with you again.
You might have read or heard about it, but often a partner can fall out of love or want a break if they feel like they’re carrying the other persons baggage. You’d think that as a loving partner, you would carry the weight for each other… But that’s not how everyone is built. Maybe the issues were too heavy on her side. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you. Or doesn’t love you.
What I’ve found out is that it’s great to encourage and support each other, but always be as capable as possible of carrying your own weight. At the end of the day, it’s no ones job to make us happy. Our partners can if they choose, through various means, but it’s not their job. They have to take care of themselves. I hope you get what I’m saying.I completely get what your saying.
I don’t want this bit to make me sound like a dick.
This week I have thought I need to see how the new me will be received so I went on a date and have a couple more lined up. Past week I also joined tinder, just for attention more than anything.
I am not struggling to get dates or attention. However I just feel totally guilty. Which is making me realise a bit, I want to be with this girl not pour her with love and affection but have food times like we used to.
Do you know JBURG, I think that you make a valid point. People are too quick to throw things away these days rather than work on them. It’s like that consumerism mentality, where we just replace rather than fix. The trouble is it isn’t as easy as that with emotional connections so the persons just put themselves into limbo; they don’t want to be with anyone else but feel the only course of action with the incumbent is to walk away. The ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’ scenario used to be something that meant you worked on it, not it seems it’s the trigger to walk away. I am/was in this position, but am not sure if she will decide to work on it or continue to walk away.
However, words from LAbound also resonate with me, up until getting this job offer I was going through a tough time. My career had stalled, we had gone into a Long distance relationship, she had started a new (very testing) job and I just started getting down. She def would have felt me as baggage at a time when she was having a tough time too. Add in the distance and it was a perfect storm to break up.
Over the passed two months of min contact (5 weeks of NC) things have turned around. Only time will tell if she decides to come back to what was a fantastic relationship.
I hoe she does and good luck, as it seems your both heading down the path of induce use lives going well.
So why not try and re-kindle with the positive vibes.
I was doing fine until the hospital week. Where everything seemed really positive.
Like you say time is a great healer and teller.
So update from my side guys.
She has broken NC. Not with anything major but I will copy and paste the message below.
Hey, how are you? I’ve got this facewash and a few other bits and bobs of yours – do you want me to leave them at Kemp reception for you? X
Not sure what to do now, as I was at the point of writing a letter. To try and get a meeting to finally say tell me what you want because I am happy to walk away now.
The only “bits and bobs” is a hoody of mine not sure what else she could have, maybe a few cards she has given me.So not sure what to read, she is using this as the final closure for her.
Or is she reaching out.Hey Jburg, it sounds like it could be a reach out to me, what’s your instinct tell you? For me ‘bits and bobs’ tend to be collateral damage, not things you would necessarily contact your ex about. If she didn’t care enough then she would wait for you to contact her IMO. The only negative could be that she is trying to cancel you out of her life, but I don’t sense this from her words. Why don’t you say to meet for a coffee/handover, at least you could get some face time then.
I tried to call my ex over the weekend. It feels like 6 weeks of NC is enough and now the lack of contact is doing more harm than good now. She didn’t answer, and didn’t call back. Feel like life really sucks now. I desperately want to tell her about my new job (in her city) and start to build a closeness again. I’m starting to wonder if she has moved on to someone else. I still miss her terribly, she is the one I still want to share all my news with.
Let me know how it goes
I ended up messaging her yesterday anyway suggesting coffee. Said ahh forgot about that stuff how about I come grab it and we meet for a coffee/green tea.
She said she was busy all week, how about the weekend?
It was left that she will come back to me if she is free on Friday.
Maybe with your ex message her saying your in town, would be good to catch up. A phone call can’t be processed and can cause panic.
I am fully prepared to walk away now, however if I don’t at least ask her if there is a chance I will never know.
Mate, she proposed the weekend? Heck, that’s good. I’m glad.
I’m pretty sure my-ex didn’t see the call but I am disappointed she didn’t call back. I feel mugged off. Yeah, I know what you mean. The thing is I go to draw lines in the sand and say, ‘right its time to move on’, but I feel like I am kidding myself. I feel like I would only keep that up for some time :s
I think it’s about control for her and have a feeling she has moved on with someone. Nothing is confirmed so we will see if she contacts me.
I will be asking her if there is any sort of chance if we agree a way forward. As either way I need to know. I had a job offer in another country today so I have a fresh start waiting.
Wow, does she know this? I hope she is in a position to be honest with herself, I think women sometimes struggle with this. I find it difficult to base things on what they are thinking as they can be 100% it’s not going to happen and then two weeks later be on the phone crying! I guess you have to be careful in how you decide things here too, but I really do think the fact she is meeting you is good. Control or not, she could easily control the situation by not seeing you. Maybe you are thinking the worst, I know I am doing that at the moment. In my mind, she has moved on, doesn’t give a hoot about me, thinks I am a saddo, knows I am desperate to see her etc etc.
I may try to call once more in a day or two and if I don’t get an answer then, send a text. I really value her friendship and would hate to not be able to contact her once in a while.
I do agree with you, but we all have a point of breaking. Fact is I would do anything to be with girl, I had a connection like no one else. She is just very immature emotionally, so she needs to see that she doesn’t have to spare my feelings and be honest with me. I am prepared to walk away with the caviate that if she ever decides what she wants. That would be the only reason to contact me.
I get the slowly slowly process, however I am not in a country where I can out my life on hold.
I think you should text mate, use the call as and ice breaker. Say tried to call the other as am in town or whatever.
Given what happened with my ex a month ago I don’t take meeting as a positive as she did it then went cold again.
If you want to do some homework, try googling Relationship Rewind (you may need to add Step 1, 2, 3 to the end to find the specific pdf’s). Given what you may be confronted by on the weekend there is a good bit in Step 2 that talks about what to do if she has moved on to someone else.
Can’t remember the timeline but did she go cold even though you had acted well, or did she go cold after an altercation by you?
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