My complete story in brief, advice TIA?

Yeah but last time this happened she still came back eventually, right? One thing I have seen discussed a lot in relationship stuff that seems to be true is you have to be prepared to let women go off when they want to and come back later, it’s just how they seem to operate, and that’s when they don’t want you to chase them. Ideally in long-term stable relationships they don’t go off for very long, but outside of that scenario it can be quite variable it seems, and again, as you guys aren’t an established official couple this is one of those outsider scenarios.

Just let her make up her mind on her own. You do you. That’s the only power you have, but it’s also the only thing that works really. It’s silly but it seems to be true.

Yes she may well be testing you. That’s pretty normal. Usual solution is not to react, or at least not in a dramatic way – you hear a lot of people talk about being a “rock” or an “oak” when women “shit test”, ie: unmovable and unshakable.

My honest opinion is that you shouldn’t worry about putting distance between you and her.

You can’t issue verbal ultimatums because they rarely work, but you can remove yourself from the situation as a way of establishing the boundary that you’re not prepared to just be picked up and dropped like this willy nilly. If you leave her alone and she wants you she will chase you as she did before.

Honestly, I know I’ve mentioned it before and it sounds like a sales pitch but I would check out Corey Wayne’s stuff, there are a lot of similarities with Kevin Thompson’s advice in his email series (which is also good). You can sign up for the newsletter for free and it’s really good, and I think if you do that you can access his online book as a web PDF for free, which has helped me a lot with this sort of stuff – so much so that I forked out for the Kindle edition so I can read it away from my computer (it’s only like £5 on Amazon).

He would have a lot to say on your scenario, I think, but the gist of it would be you’re allowing her to mess you around so she is doing it, so don’t do that – don’t allow it, leave her alone and it will make her think about what she really wants, and if she wants you she will come to you. She should be chasing, you just lap up the attention when it’s there, and the more she chases the more she’ll want to chase, if she chases and then stops it’s because you reacted to her and made it feel like she got you too easily. I know it all sounds like game and it sucks and I hate it too, but I’ve come to accept it’s the reality of the situation.

Good example actually, I just had his latest newsletter come through and he says this:

How Much Contact Is Too Much?
How much you should contact someone you want to date, to communicate your romantic interest so they know your intentions, and how to know how much contact is too much, so you don’t scare them off.

“It’s much more fun and effortless to date only people who have a high level of enthusiasm to spend time with you. Sometimes it is possible to raise a potential lover’s low interest to become high interest with time and effort, but if you really feel like you are a catch, know you are a catch and act like a catch, would you really want to spend your time with someone you have to convince of your own amazingness? I think not. The best relationships with the strongest bonds and connection happen when both people really place a high value on spending time together and like each other from the moment they meet. Trying to be liked or to get the attention of other people who do not freely give it is demeaning and disrespectful to you. It’s only once you recognize your own value, that other people will see it also.”

The focusing on yourself and your own stuff and goals is also important here too. Something I heard recently that was good, which I did with my ex, is in making the girl “the cake” rather than “the icing”. Your life and your hobbies and your business should be the cake – you’re the prize – that’s what makes you happy, and a woman is just extra good stuff on top of that, but not essential.

Yeah it may be that turning her down for sex has upset her and caused her to run away, that seems to be a much more clear communication of disinterest for women than simply not calling them or whatever. That’s the point where they make themselves vulnerable, they trust you and open up to you emotionally and physically, so if you reject them it can be an issue. She may be backing off in response because she thinks you’re genuinely not into her enough. Again only thing you can do is see if she shakes it off and gets in touch again or not.

Also in my experience women do generally want to have sex even when “nature intervenes”, as you put it – that’s sometimes when they’re at their most sexual and it can even be therapeutic for them (though not always) – they just need to be reassured that it doesn’t freak you out and then they’re ok with it. They don’t want you to judge them for what their body is doing naturally.

I don’t know what to suggest then mate. All you can do is wait and see. Anything happened since your last post?

Good to hear things have improved Jburg

This is all very vague, but it doesn’t sound good from an outside perspective either. What is the status of your relationship at the moment? Are you guys official or have you discussed exclusivity? The condom/illness thing, evasiveness of sex, and paranoia about going out and you asking about it all sound very suspicious to me (but then I’ve been burned so I suppose I’m biased).

Regardless of that though, it sounds like she’s backing off a bit, and the only thing to do in that scenario is to cool off as well and allow her to think about things. She will notice your cooling off, your absence, how she feels about that, how she feels about you, and whether she wants to pursue/initiate contact to spend time with you.

If she’s hesitating and backing off it sounds like she’s in a state of evaluating the current scenario and that needs some space…you can’t fix it you just have to allow it to take its course and any attempts to sway things one way or the other usually will have the opposite effect to what you want.

And that isn’t really about game-playing either, although it sounds like it – it’s more a case of she’s testing her feelings and you’re being a participant in that test – it’s good to allow her to evaluate her feelings towards you, because if she does feel something then she should be making moves to be with you and be active, and if she doesn’t then it’s important for you both because you shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t crazy about seeing you and being part of a couple with you.

I’ve been there and done that with a woman who just wasn’t affectionate enough towards me and it was all a one-way street. You don’t want that. Trust me.

Just my 2 cents