Is there even a chance at this point?

Hello

I’m not sure if any of you can give me any advice on this matter. I’m a 23 year old guy who was in a fairly serious relations with a 22 year old girl. I was basically her first: her first kiss, her first serious relationship, her first everything. Things were very serious for a time until late December when her father contracted COVID-19. He had to be placed under a medical coma, half of his intestines had to be removed, and oxygen had to be forced into him. Needless to say, she was devastated. She lost interest in a lot of interests that made her happy and she was really questioning the relationship; her thoughts were all over the place and things kind of slowed down. We live apart from each other and planned to move in together; however, during January she was heavily considering moving out of the state and following her own path. I said that was fine by me so long as we loved and cared for each other.

On January 29th, she had to say her last words to her father. At the time, I felt like a total failure. I was still in undergrad, projected to get a degree in something I didn’t want and was turned down from an internship I worked so hard to apply for; it was hardly in comparison to what she was going through though. The following day, I told her that I would love her forever and that I needed her. She responded by asking to break things off but not in a negative way as she didn’t want to feel disdain or dislike for me. I did probably the most regrettable thing I’ve probably ever did: I lashed out at her. I told her “How fucking dare you” “I hate you” “You stabbed me in the back and spit in my eye”; all the while, she told me that we could still support and care for one another, that I was one of her best friends. That it wasn’t about me and that she was really struggling with her father’s passing. I didn’t see that at the time and I regret every second of it. I edited my status on all the social media platforms we would use, I left group chats we were a part of, and I deleted out private online space. She followed suit and blocked and unblocked me from her Twitter.

It didn’t take me until a day or two later to realize what I had done. I reached out to her and apologized over Twitter as she had stopped using the messaging platform she would frequently use. I apologized for my actions and that I was in so much pain I couldn’t understand what was going on, but that it wasn’t an excuse. That I never wanted to hurt her, that I didn’t mean anything that I said, and that I was going to take some time to work on myself. The last thing I said was that I just don’t want you to hate me. She responded a day or two later, saying that she didn’t hate me either, but to give her space for a week or so. That she wouldn’t ghost me, but that she was still reeling from her father’s death. During this time, she radically altered her Twitter, unfriended me on certain platforms, and deactivated her Facebook.

I learned from a mutual that she genuinely enjoyed the time that we spent together; that she would still wanted to talk to me. I also learned that she was not taking the death of her father rather well. I reached out to her over Twitter again about two weeks later and said that I pray that she was doing well, that I still really care and support her. She texted me back, saying that she was doing ok. She asked to please not message her over Twitter as she was trying to curate a private place for her and her art. She reiterated that she was doing more then alright and that she was more then convicted in her future. I apologized for messaging her over Twitter and that I was still apologetic for lashing out. I said that I never felt so guilty and regretful in my life. I then said that I was glad she was doing more then alright and was steadfast in her future. That I wasn’t there to try and get back together with her and I still wanted to know if it was possible to still be friends. She then said to talk with her in a month, as she’ll be more willing then. I then pushed it a bit too much afterwards, saying that I didn’t want to come off as pushy and that I wanted to respect her boundaries, but if she’d be comfortable with me texting her occasionally. She said that it really wasn’t respecting her boundaries to ask that and that she literally needed more time. She requested that I not text her until March and that she was trying not to be upset at me.

That leads me to now. I remember when she said this, I unfollowed her from Twitter. Not because of malice, but because of a desire to respect her space. Yesterday, I looked at her Twitter profile and I looked at one of her fleets. In case you don’t know, fleets are tweets that only exists for 24 hours. You can’t comment on them or like them, but the person who posted them can see who saw them. She saw that I was looking at her fleet and promptly blocked me and privated her account. She then unfollowed me from Instagram.

I feel like I continue to dig a deeper and deeper hole for myself. I don’t even know if she blocked my number and unless it involves not texting her or calling her to know, I’m not going to try and find out. I don’t even know if this is salvageable, like anything. I never want it to end like this. I just want to know if my situation is hopeless. I’m not even necessarily looking to get back in a relationship with her, I just want her as a friend again. I don’t even know if I can forgive myself if this ends up being the end. Please respond as soon as you can.