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So, I gave up on NC. I have been thinking pretty hard about all the factors of what happened during the break up, and I even wrote her a letter about how I felt and that she seems to have no remorse or regret. She said she has remorse and regrets how she went about things and how she treated me.. A
After further thought, I decided that she might be sorry about how she did it, but not sorry that she did it. And that was enough for me to see that, even though it’s sad to say bye to my first love of 12yrs, I can’t make or attempt to make myself emotionally available to someone that is in no way good for me in her present state. No matter what is going on in her life, no one should treat someone they love like she treated me during the breakup. I’ll continue to better myself, and I will find happiness with someone..and this time, I’ll know what NOT to do.
Thank you all who have given advice and helped calm the anxiety. I’ll still be on the forums from time to time.. 🙂Aw, bummer, that is not the ending I wanted to hear from you, BUT doesn’t mean there is no happy ending, just gotta add more chapters until you get there 🙂
Hey Catafox,
Today, my ex messaged me. Told me she misses me a lot, and she cries when listening to certain songs that remind her of me. I gave in and messaged her back to tell her that I have to pull away from her because there is a lot of hurt on my end, and I need to heal. I need to be able to accept a loving and healthy future for myself down the road, and if I am in the roller coaster ride with her and we aren’t even together, then that hinders my progress. I then told her that maybe we can be friends in a couple years when we both have grown into better people.
She said she loves me and she understands, and that she has cried about how she hurt me and what she’s done. We chatted about positive things for a few minutes and then I told her bye. She said bye as well. About an hour after that, she messaged me and asked if she could make love to me tonight. She said she already figures I’ll say no but that it was worth a shot. She followed up with saying she wants to make me feel good.
I told her that I appreciate that, but it would set me back and destroy the progress I have made because she is in no position to be what I need her to be. I told her I need room to be able to create something new. She said she wants to create something new with me, and that we can do it together. I rejected that and said it won’t be easy, and I feel she hasn’t taken the necessary steps to be able to create something new. (Still has issues, jealousy/insecure). I ended it with another “I appreciate it”.
I’m not confused. Surprisingly. I know time and space is imperative for growth and to better myself. I just stopped having anxiety, and her doing this would put me right back to where I was. I never imagined I’d be able to say no to her. I love her so fucking much! lol NC really does help. Maybe not like some want it to in the beginning, but it gives a logical outlook. Not an outlook fogged up my emotions! My friend just called me spock. lol
Anyway,
I’ll keep you posted.
I’m proud of you! You are very strong!
I have to say, if mine did that, I would absolutely not have the resolve that you did. I would crumble. That says so much about how far you have come. Your relationship probably never would have worked, long term, without the changes that you mention haven’t happened yet. Good for you!SuzyL,
So proud of you! Good for you! You have come a long way and proved how much you’ve grown!
You just beat me to the punch. I did give up as well by sending him ‘the letter’ but I don’t want to mess your thread with my story.
Best wishes!
Julia. There’s room for everyone’s story here!
And thank you to both of you. Yeah, as I was telling you my story, I was like “Wow. I’m so much stronger at this point than I thought I could ever be. Progress!”
The relationship wouldn’t work long-term for sure since she is still showing signs of insecurity. Plus, there needs to be real healing and forgiveness. She was pretty cruel to me during the breakup. I feel like she even cheated, but she disagrees. She needs to mature. I encouraged her to work on herself, and she said she has been trying and now that she has her own place she can be by herself and really focus on what she needs to do to better herself. I’m proud of her.
Did I kind of want her to come over.. yeah. lol It would’ve been nice. =D But I have a clear mind now and it just wouldn’t be the right thing to do.
The end result wasn’t getting my ex back, but I am gaining my identity back, I have no more anxiety, and I’m learning about myself. I’m a success story!
SuzyL,
I just did but on the ‘Share your struggles’ section. I would love your input..
So, because of how solid I was feeling about my ex and the breakup, I decided to answer a phone call from my ex. The conversation was good, constructive, positive and full of honesty. I played it cool and was confident sounding. Warm but not needy or emotional. She told me that I am what she wants in a partner. And that she wishes I was this new person in the relationship. I explained to her that it’s no ones fault, but in a cycle that we couldn’t break..neither one of us could be who we really are. We lost ourselves. I lost my identity, and I am taking serious steps to get it back so that I can be open to love and a great relationship whether with her or someone else.
She began to cry and says she doesn’t know why the connections fizzles out, but that I am everything she wants in a partner. I asked her if she thought guilt, anxiety or fear has anything to do with it. She said she honestly doesn’t know. I told her that we just need to progress as individuals. Neither one of us knows what will happen, but that I need to continue my progress..and I wanted to limit communication. She started crying again and said she will probably cry herself to sleep because she wants me by her to “snuggle”. We ended up passing out on the phone together.
I did not attempt to make contact the next day. I wasn’t expecting her to either. I just went about my day, and eventually she called and texted me. I waited a while before responding and told her that I was busy at rugby. After rugby, I called her and she answered and then hung up. It sent an old familiar feeling of sadness and anger. About an hour later, she left a voice mail saying she was at dinner with a friend and her friend was telling her about a crisis. She didn’t mean to answer at all, but just to hit ignore. I believed her, but the feeling I had when she answered and hung up let me know that I am not ready to have the “false friendship” type thing.
We talked about random things for about an hour, and then she said something about “When I have my kids..blah blah blah”..and I stopped listening. Again, sadness took over. If she has babies, I want her to have them with me! So, today..I am going on another NC journey. Not to win the girl back, but to progress even more. I want to be able to not feel sadness when she does or says certain things. I guess what probably changed my feelings a bit about my outlook is that she actually told me she is very sorry and that she has cried about what she’s done..and she even expressed how ashamed she was of her immature and cruel behavior.So.. I am not set back too much..but I feel like NC is best for now.
Just wanted to let that out.
What do you think about this:
If she felt a connection to the point she wanted to make love (after finding that our “happy list” was exactly the same) that there could be a chance for a solid connection in the future? I’m curious. It’s obvious that when she sees the positive changes in me that she feels like there’s a chance… but often she doesn’t think about being in a relationship with me. She just misses me like crazy.
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