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I lost my ex end of September and since then I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. Lately I just feel horrible. I hate myself and I don’t know who I am anymore. Its almost like I’m going in reverse now and I don’t know how to stop. My friends are sick of me, my parents and I argue everyday, I’ve been drinking every night, and I’m considering doing drugs (which I never have before). Its like no matter what I just feel bad. And it sucks because I’m on the cusp of doing something really great with my life and going back to school…but I don’t even care about that anymore.
I always feel that what happened with my ex is my fault. Today I just realized what could be the key to a perfect relationship : let the other person do what ever they want, when they want, with whoever they want. No questioning them, no concerns, nothing. Because you trust them right?? Maybe if I would have been that way with my ex he wouldn’t have left me. we were together 5 years, I did everything possible to make him happy, I did so many things for him, and he gets mad if I question him about who he is hanging out with. He wouldn’t live with me after I moved to another city to be with him. I would say I was almost perfect except that I got jealous sometimes. knowing what I know now, I guess its my fault he left me. I don’t even want to be in another relationship. And for months I tried so hard to get him back… nothing has worked.
Does anyone have any advice? I know I should probably see a therapist but do to some circumstances I cant right now. I just feel like im losing myself. I liked myself better when I was with him. Please help
A few things to point out:
It is a good thing your relstionship ended. Don’t kill me, just yet.
The reason I say that is because you stated you don’t know yourself. You only had an identity when you were with him. THAT IS AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP and will lead to a break up. Like yours did. It is imperative in any relationship that you find and maintain YOUR IDENTITY. Not get to where all of you and your happiness depends upon your significant other.
Also, after five years and you moving closer to be with him but he wouldn’t live with you? He has had doubts on some level for a long time. He may have loved you and hoped things would change.
But I can see where that would create even more insecurity. Thus creating a cycle. Ive been on the receiving end of insecurity and jealousy. It makes one angry and strangled. Like no matter what one does, it’s confronted with the significant others issues. All that does is lead to one wanting more from someone else. Im not saying he cheated or anything like that. He just started to believe there’s something better for him. But you can change this!
First, you have to stop your destructive behavior!!! Stop drinking altogether. Do not do drugs. Instead, get your depressed ass up, make a healthy meal. Take a relaxing hot bath. And make a list of everything good about you. Then make a list of things you want to change. Then! Make a list of everything youve always wanted to do or try but couldnt because you felt stifled in your relationship. After that, set out and do it.
You have to take care of you. To become a better you. To become a strong, independent woman that doesn’t rely on anyone or anything to make her happy because she does that all by herself.
Remember: it is not his responsibility to make you happy. And it is not your responsibility to make him happy. You gave too much and didnt get much in return. Whether issues were to blame or whatever, your relationship failed for a reason. It’s not all your fault and it’s not all his. Do some soul searching and get out in the world in a positive way so BOTH of you see a reason to start a NEW relationship.
Just to add this: I was on here under a different username… someone I know found out about it and I had to have kevin delete it. Background:
ex and I 24, 25 years old, had a good relationship, I was kind/caring/fun, he got a job and moved abroad to Europe in December (he will be there for 2 years), said he didn’t want to be with anyone bc he wants to do it on his own (when originally he said he wanted us to be together). We were together 5 years and much in love. I helped him through some of the hardest times in his life… and I was always so good to him. After the break up I was messed up..but was starting to get better.. and now its like all out the window.PS. Do not contact him. At all. Do not look at his social networking accounts. Do not lookbat old pics. Or love letters. And please rove everything that reminds you of him out of your living space. Pack it up and send it to him.
Thank you for your advice. I understand that I did get wrapped up in being with him.. but we were so happy together. I always tried to give him his space that he said he waned ..I don’t think I was clingy I think I was normal for a gf. But its like since all of this has ended its like everything I thought I knew about love has gone out the window. I always thought if you tried hard enough and gave enough things would work out. I did sooo many nice things for him alllll the time simply because I was in love and that’s what I thought you should do. I cared about him more than myself. Any time we got in a fight or disagreement he would ignore me.. sometimes for days. I was always patient and tried to work it out. His family loved me, we had the same friends. Its like even though I gave my all… its still my fault he left me. It makes me not want to be with anyone ever again. I do want him back obviously.
And I don’t get it! I see all these other couples moving in together, getting engaged, married and they haven’t even been together as long as we had. He always said I was perfect for him. So what did I do wrong? Its like I thought being in a relationship for 5 years meant something and when you have a deep connection like that you try to be with that person and build a life with them.
Again, you gave too much. Relationships are a balancing act of power. Sometimes he will have the power. Other times you will. And power will flow freely back n forth. But if one has more power the majority of the time, then it causes issues.
You said you two had the same friends. That’s not a good thing unless you both have your own group of friends. Three lives to a relationship. Your life. His life. And the couple’s life in the union theyve created. He can go with you into your life. You in his. Then you two have your own bond and fun together.
Him saying he wanted to do it on his own is actually him saying he doesn’t want the smothering restrictions and problems of the relationship while he is trying to focus on something else.
I guess the reason I said I don’t know myself anymore is not because I couldn’t be myself without him it’s because everything I thought I knew about love is a lie.
And I did try hard to be with him because he said I meant the world to him, he needed me, loved my more than anything..but wouldn’t live with me and wouldn’t hang out with me more than 2-3 times a week
@Ly88 you were too kind, he took you for granted, he had no fear of losing you, he lost respect for you.
Men loose respect for women If they put up with their crap. By putting up with his crap and being nice to him, you showed him that you value yourself very low. Whatever value you place on yourself is what value others will see you as having. By showing boundaries you show others where your value is. You have to heal from this and recognise your worth. You gave him too much, where you should have been giving to yourself!
PS: I did the exact same thing. Lesson learnt now! Don’t let fear of losing him weigh more than your self-respect, because your self-respect is what attracts. Don’t live your life ruled by fear. Don’t try to escape with drugs or alcohol. This is an opportune moment to take charge of your life and be responsible for your own health and wellbeing
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