How to get her back from her new man? (Not a rebound)

@patricia12

So we talked today, and she told me he asked her over the phone to be his girlfriend.. she said she thought for a sec maybe this is moving too fast, but that they had been acting like they were in a relationship for the past month now and that she’s not too fussed about the label as they don’t mean anything to her, and that if a label means something to him then she is happy about it..

She also said she thinks he meant a relationship in the sense that now, they have that security and time and space to figure out if this is what they truly want.. I don’t know if she sees it as a lifelong committment, but I know he definitely does

She says she won’t talk to him about it because they don’t talk about very serious topics, and that she doesn’t love him as they’re “not there yet” and she doesn’t want to talk to him about the relationship and what it means, and what the expectations are because she doesn’t want to deal with that “drama stuff” right now

She says she is happy being in a relationship with him now, because there are no expectations and no baggage and they are just happy being in the present… obviously being in a relationship means there are some expectations? ie you only get into a relationship when you see a future with this person, NOT when you just like them a lot.. right? thats what dating is for, or am I wrong here?

She says she is happy to be his girlfriend though

2 months ago, she would be telling me how she can’t wait for a future with me, would be telling me everyday how much she loves me etc.. and 2 months later she is in a “committed” relationship with the guy she always told me not to worry about, as it “didn’t work out” with them and “won’t work out” with them.. she would reassure me so much when we were together, now a year later after those reassurances they’re together lmao

It seems like TEXTBOOK rebound relationship to me, as she is just saying how she is happy being in the present with him and taking it chill with him.. I know if he never asked her she would’ve still been happy with him right now… it blows my mind how people can do this

What do you think of this? All my friends are saying she is acting extremely weird and jumping into a relationship which is destined to crash and burn once reality hits… I feel the same way but I don’t know, she falls in love very easily and becomes attached very easily and this stable option may just end up being the “love of her life”, the title which was once reserved only for me, for the longest time…

We had a short convo about why I respect myself enough to walk away from this, and that’s what I’m doing, I never want to speak to her or hear from her again I am truly and fully, done.

We used to call each other “frog” and “dog” when we first started dating and I told her “Bye frog” and she replied “Bye dog” and we left it at that

The only only ONLY way I would ever take her back is if she told me she liked me, apologised profusely and begged for me back and worked hard to GET me back, that is the only way I’d take her back, but we all know that will never happen..

It rubs me wrong as she says they get each other well.. but they can’t even talk about serious topics.. how good is the connection when you’re hesitant to speak to your s/o about serious topics?

This seems like a textbook rebound to me… let me know your thoughts

@patricia12

Yes I had started NC since Saturday, thats when I found out she was now in a new LDR with him… it still makes no sense to me as you havent SEEN the person for so long and only saw him 3 times in 2019..

Anyway, I told her I didnt want to be friends anymore and we left it at that

THEN she messaged me late last night (at 2am, but it would be 9pm in her country) and she was showing me screenshots of messages that jealous BFF who sabotaged us sent to her during that time, and she said something clicked in her and now she believes truly that I was “roped into” all of it and I was a “victim” of all that stuff too.. she says she truly forgives me now..

The REASON why she ended things with me end of 2019 was BECAUSE she couldn’t get over how I hurt her in 2017, she said she can’t ever get over that and that was the reason she ended things as she would constantly overthink about it and was back and forth with her love for me for so long after we broke up

Now, she knows that I was innocent in the whole thing, and she said she said she forgives me before but that she didn’t really mean it, but now she knows 100% that I was innocent in that and a “victim” of the mess the jealous BFF created… so now the reason for why she ended things is.. completely gone? Like she ended things with me then and overthought all that stuff for no reason??

It makes no sense to me.. But I guess it is a plus? She also retweeted something on twitter, it was a tweet that simply said “Love u” and again, it showed me that she liked a tweet about having such bad anxiety that you physically feel sick… I can’t help but think these are to do with me but I may be biased right now..

It would be perfect if she was single right now and the other guy wasn’t in the picture at all, as now she sees I was a victim back then too, and I never meant to hurt her, I was manipulated and everything, she finally believes everything I had been telling her for so long now… and if she was single she then wouldn’t mind talking to me like that again… but she’s in some weird relationship now with some weird guy who even she recognises doesn’t “get” her or “know” her like I do, they mainly just have fun light conversations and nothing deep like we used to have… and I just dont understand

I am going to keep up NC indefinitely, or at least for a month or two..

I really do want her back , but I’m not one to sabotage a relationship so I’m not sure what to do now. She is “locked in” with him now and I cant do anything 🙁 I keep thinking their relationship will just grow and grow and they’ll end up very serious and in love and will get married… it scares me so much bc that “what if” will always be there..

Like she MUST recognise now that she stressed herself over nothign and blamed me for hurting her in 2017, last year when she was in love with me… she must recognise that now that was all stupid as now she KNOWS I was a victim of the mess the jealous bff created too.. but I cant do anything now

@patricia12

Yes they dated in 2017 but they would mainly only see each other in college.. once the break started they wouldnt really see each other.. then in 2018 she only saw him in May of that year and no other time.. then only a handful of times like I said in 2019.. so I dont understand why/how “real” feelings developed over texting or anything..

I’m not trying to sabotage them, I guess I am just asking to feel better myself

We talked again last night as she messaged me, she basically said that if she knew last year what she realised the other night (about me being coerced into hurting her), it wouldn’t have affected her as much, and she doesn’t see me as someone who caused her pain anymore, whereas before she did and would say that James is the only guy who had never hurt her and was always sweet to her…

She also said that if we were still involved In any way, she would not have come to the realisation she did the other night, where she was able to genuinenly forgive me for hurting her years ago.. she would always hold it against me and was the reason why she ended things end of 2019 with me..

When she said the “if we were still involved” thing, I asked if she meant if we were involved like we were recently, and she said she wouldn’t say we were involved recently… I asked her “December?” and she said she wouldn’t consider us involved then and she’s sorry about that..

She would literally be telling me how much she loves me, how no one gets her or knows her like I do, how I’m the love of her life, she cant wait for our future together, we’d be talking about kids names, she would ask me would I teach our kids her mother tongue or my mother tongue (I said hers, and she said “Ok good”) and she would even ask me if I am just a “fun time” to her.. she said she didn’t see me as just a “fun time” … she was also concerned that I would lose feelings for her before she came back, and made me promise I wouldnt… she also thought one day I DID lose feelings for her.. on 24th December, she was saying she wishes she could give me all the love in the world and that I’m “her John” and that she is so proud of the man I am…

How can you call that not involved?

I feel she feels too guilty to come face to face with the reality that we were involved in some way back in December (and the preceding months) as she is in a new relationship 2 months later… I doubt James knows any of what she would be saying to me back then, she has only told him we are “good friends” …. So I think she is saying “technically” we weren’t involved, but telling someone you love them everyday for a whole 3 months is definitely being involved…

I don’t know why she would say we weren’t? Do you have the same viewpoint as me, that it’s because she feels guilty about it and is choosing to disregard it?

I dont know why, but I woke up really missing her and really wanting her back… she was always my girl and for the past 3 years she would always be so obsessed and head over heels for me even after we broke up and for all of last year…

Now she is in a new relationship, she comes back in 5 months which is so soon, and I feel they will end up lasting forever 🙁 I just dont know.. I really want her back but I just dont know what to do as they are now “Serious” … 🙁

I am going back to NC though for a while until I forget about her.. I give myself a month or two

I’m not even sure if she will miss me as she has him to fall back on now..

@patricia12

I think it has become much easier for me not to speak to her now, than it was a week or two ago.. after she told me about the new boyfriend I just kinda felt like there was no more point in trying to get her back anymore.. idk

She texted me last night to tell me she was proud of me, that I’m doing great and that I’m appreciated.. I asked why and she said no reason, she felt I needed to know and I didn’t reply

Today, I fully expected no text from her, but again she texted me a tweet and said “Thought you’d appreciate this” I still haven’t opened it

Is there any reason why she is still wanting to speak to me? Usually when I have a new girlfriend, all other girls I generally lose interest in and don’t really desire speaking to… but she has a new boyfriends and she is still texting me, her ex.. who she was saying she loved 2 months ago, which now she disregards as “I was confused” … what’s going on in her mind?? Lol

@patricia12

Okay so her new man has a chronic illness which really makes her so scared and anxious every day and all the time so we had a whole 2 hour convo last night and she’s really considering breaking up with him

Basically she realises she’ll be in for a life of heartache if she stays, and she says she comes close to it like “no I can’t do this I have to leave” and then forces herself to think he’ll be okay it’s okay etc

But reality is, he’s only going to get worse and I don’t think she’s ready or capable of wanting that kinda life at all

She kept asking me “what do I do” “I should end it right?” “Why am I in this situation” “How do I even go about ending it” etc and I told her to take until the end of the weekend to decide what she does, so I really think she is going to break up with him as she was saying it’s the only thing she thinks about now, is worrying about him , and it’s driving her crazy

It’s a really bad disease and I do really feel bad for him, but he deserves someone who’s ready to set their life aside and be ready for a life of heartache and constant worry just to be with him. I think the fact she’s having doubts this early, that she’s going to break up with him

But I never know with this girl she could do a complete 180 and decide she’s okay with it. I guess we’ll see

Today she has been more responsibe to me and actually was kinda flirting with me too, telling me to “use my good looks” to start a YouTube channel or something along those lines haha. Then I said I might and she said “you have the looks for it too”

Lmao

@patricia12

It is cystic fibrosis I think. Which is pretty rare in our country. It seems as that night she was contemplating a way out but last night she said she is “trusting in god And the universe”

….

She also said she is giving herself time before making a decision, but every time she has said that she has stayed with him, so I think she is going to stay