Helpless in no contact rule

But i love him and still want him. I dont know who i am anymore

Hey, i have a huge update on my situation, and i made a post yesterday. can you please give me your opinion?

i met him after a mo th a day on jan 31. If you look at my other post, you’ll read about my background story with my ex.
Just a little recap, this guys and i liked each other since November 2012. I didn’t know he liked me back then, but i heard it from his friends and he told me on jan 31 he did. Basically we are from different religion, and I had too many restrictions back then, and from what i knew about dating, the guy asks the girl out. so we met in physics class, and i helped him out for the entire year. he tells me i was too smart for him 🙂 lol
Then a year goes buy when we don’t take any classes together, and in that year, i focused on easing off the restrictions i had, such as curfew, taking on more responsibilities like shopping, and making new friends. I eased into more sexier clothes, and worked out very hard to get the body that even if i’m covered up, he would be able to notice.
Then we take a class from October to December 2014, and that is when the feelings we have for each other just ignited. I has this urge to just wrap myself around him, and not let go. We would just gravitate towards each, sit in silence, and just reach out to touch one another’s face, hand, and hair. When he told me he liked me in November 24, 2014, it was all i have ever dreamed off for 2 years. we got together in January 9, 2015, and he said i love you within a week of our relationship, wants to marry me within 5 weeks, and wanted to get engaged within 10 months. That day he told me that he said he loved me then, but he actually loved me since physics class, which is 2 years ago.
Throughout our relationship, we would always talk, and always check up on each other. Back when were friends, we would stay late at night and talk to one another, but when we got in a relationship, i cared about his well being, and he did mine, so we decided not to do that. We talked to each other whenever we were free. at work, if he went to restroom break, he would message me then.
so December comes, and he is pulling away from me, and after acting cold towards me for a week, on Dec 30, he says i love you but we need a break till i graduate this June, and on Dec 31, he says i see you as a friend, and he agreed to a month break instead of 6.
i discovered the girl he is with right now on Instagram, and her Instagram has the date 12.30.15. I thought he would never cheat on me, but everyone told me he did. so i believed it. he even gave me weird answers, which indicated to me that he did. But today i talked to him.
he helped me with an engineering program, and i gave him back the gifts and things that reminded me of him because i would look at them everyday and cry, and i told him you can keep it for me, and give it back to me in the future. the batman toy he gave me, he said i know you love superheroes you can keep it. I told him i slept with it for a year, i held it to me, bc i didn’t have him next to me, and it hurt.
then he finds the necklace he gave me for my birthday, and he was filled with so much emotion. he told me you don’t have to wear it, just keep it. i told him the necklace meant everything to me, it was a black and white diamond necklace worth $300 and i couldn’t make myself to sell it. I told him he can, and he said he can’t either. then we traced the necklace, and i told him, you were going to wear a black ring, and i was going to wear white. then he tells me, you know every time i told you i love you, i meant it.and it so hard because i’m still in love with you. yes i like the girl i’m with, but i still think about you. i don’t love you as much as i did before, but i still love you a lot, because you are my first.
He moved out of his parents house a week after he asks for a break, and he moved in with her. He spends all his time with her, because they work at the same place. he met her parents already.
he said he talked to this lady at work about us, and she told him that because i say i don’t want kids, that in the long run the relationship wont workout. The thing is, we had a struggle in the summer with his financial situation, and it postponed his graduation a year later. when i started the relationship with him, i told him i don’t want kids, but i slowly fell deeply in love with him, and desperately wanted to be a mother. to bring up his summer issue, he first says he wants to be a dad, and i don’t want to be a mother, and i told him i don’t want a kid right after we marry! I want a solid foundation first before we bring a kid to the world! Then he said i look too far ahead in the future, and I say yes i plan everything, and i work hard to meet the plan, and if it doesn’t work, i make another plan. that’s how i have succeeded so far. then he tells me his graduation is delayed by a year. I was strong for him and supported him, and I was reluctant to tell him that I want a kid 5 years into our marriage when we are in managerial positions and we wont have to work much and can be there for our kids ( I actually want 4 kids at least <3 ) because he didn’t like me seeing so far ahead into the future. I would send him pics of baby clothes and say aww i bet you wore this when you were a baby, but really i was thinking that i want our kid to wear it! my family and friends said not to talk about the kid, because it will make him scared and he will leave. i would send pics of babies and my baby sisters to him too!
And the kid thing is what caused the break up! there is no cheating, lying , nothing involved, according to him! I explained about this, and he said you should have told me this a long time ago, and he understood why i couldn’t bring it up, and I understood why he couldn’t bring it up to me either. I though it was sex, or going to places, but its not. it was the kids things.
I am so glad i understand what happened, and we talked, but I wonder if there is a Chance for us after all. he wont move back to his parents house. and i told him i will wait for him until i graduate this june. he says that isn’t fair for me because what if at that time he is with her? i told him you are still in love with me, and you told me i love you within 1 month, and you were sure i was the one. you haven’t told her that, don’t even call her your gf, and you don’t know if she is the one. im not asking you to leave her. all i am telling you is i will wait for you, because i understand you cant just break up and move out. she is already in love with him. she has been pursuing him since October 2015, and he didn’t talk to her for months, until he started hanging out with groups of friends and she was there. but he never had one one hanging out with her, until he talked to me in Dec 30, and he went to a party, and she was there, and then they got together.
We said i love you so many times today, and I still have the same effect on him i did before. He wants to be my friend again, and he wants to help me out, and make sure i am doing ok.
seeing him with someone else hurts. What should i do? should i apply no contact again? should i talk to him everyday about what i am doing and what he is doing?
I am in so much pain, and i lost my drive and motivation for school, working out, and job search. he want to help to make sure i am doing my work, and i really need it, but i don’t want to ruin any chances of us getting back together.
I told him i understand you, and every thing you have done to me is from the man that was hurt, not the man i am in love with and loves me. he said he had to be mean to me, or he will start calling me little girl. please help me.
I kinda tested him, you know to see if he will kiss me, and he did many times. And even tho to some extent, i feel like he didnt cheat on me, im thinking that if he can cheat on her with me, then he can totally cheat on me with her. like after the summer struggle , i had this newfound motivation to work very hard at school, get good grades, find a job, workout, and i am thinking while i was working so hard for us, he cheated on me. because he basically did the same thing to her, she is at work, and he is cheating on her with me .
i honestly have no connection to him, or trust him. i just love him very much. i dont know if i can trust him again.
i need help John

its so hard because valentine’s day is coming up, and we both love each other, and i want to tell him i love him

If you’re still in no contact period then don’t contact her.
So you’re saying she deleted her fb profile and that’s the only way you can contact her?

Because i gave him an all or nothing ultimatum i Just blocked him evrywhere because every time my phone beeps part of my mind thinks it’s him but the other part knows it isnt him. His value to me was his commitment fidelity abd the respect and appreciation he had shown towards me but now he doesnr have any of that. I still thibk about him all day.
So he works as a cashier abd that’s where she works too abd i went there yesterday to buy something. I saw him and i didn’t feel a connection or the urge to touch him. All i can thibk about is how much he disrespected me by having an affair behind my back, still lying about it, having no remorse or apologizing for it.
I’d be lying if i say i don’t love him anymore or wish that things would work out but i know I’ll never get past the infidelity. I don’t see any posts in this forum that deals with cheating so i thibk you all have a great Chance at getting back. Me? There’s no guarantee that the man i love wont cheat on me again given the opportunity presents itself.I’ll bee forever doubting him and myself. Just look after getting with her officially on the day he asked for a break a month later he cheats on her with me.
Yes i love him and i thibk when you really love someone the thought of being with someone else doesn’t even cross your mind. I always think if he’s crazy in Love with me like he was around this time last year he would do anything and everything to make our relationship work. And that gives me hope. But i still don’t know what to do. I try not to thibk about him but i still do. The thoght of being with another man sickens me.
I’m trying to focus on myself but i can’t. I just thibk about him John.

And i have values. He’s the only guy I’ve dated abd i dated him because i was going to marry him.we loved each other since November 2012, still do but we thought it thoroughly before getting into a relationship last year in jan 9 2015. I wish i could date someone to forget about him but i can’t. I can’t just date anyone.