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@finntoga Thanks so much again 🙂
I hope he loves me 🙁 I’m just sad he did not fight to actually work out the bad patterns 🙁 maybe he thought he was though? I don’t really know?? I will have to read the article, looks interesting! 🙂
Yeah my problem is that I don’t love myself and I’ve struggled with mental health including eating disorder and that disease constantly tells me I’m not good enough.
And yeah, I think a journal will be really helpful to me.
I guess I do have time to figure it out, I’m just super scared he won’t respond to me after NC or even try to reach out during NC 🙁I didn’t fully trust anyone because my ex BEFORE him had cheated on me. And with this ex I was so scared of that happening with him that I let that old ex’s wrong affect my relationship with this ex 🙁 It was not fair of me. I also was abused as a child so that is another thing that broke trust as well as a high school best friend abandoning me out of no where. I”m not sure about my self esteem and why it is so low, I’ll have to try and work on it.
I also feel like I’m achieving when I work a lot but I also worked too much as well!
And then I was anxious and burned out. That is so awesome that you were able to quit your job and find something better for you!! I am actually looking for new jobs myself 🙂
I think taking time for myself can really help me. And yeah, my fear is opening up in relationships and with my recent ex ( who never cheated on me) I was constantly afraid he would find some girl that was prettier, smarter, funnier, sweeter, etc.
I really want to be able to trust him all the way but I trusted my ex before him so much and he cheated on me time and time again (not this ex, a different ex) And I know my recent ex is completely unlike the other guy but my wounds and fear are still there.That is a really good point about control. He would tell me sometimes I tried to influence him and he was getting upset thinking I wanted to control our relationship…but it was really my anxiety that was controlling me! It is encouraging that you have been able to break these patterns!! I hope I can break them and also get back with the love of my life… I miss him so 🙁
You have not had an easy ride in this life but you propably did not realise that throough those hard experience you are still incredibly strong and resilient person. Lot of people could just give up on life after hard experiences like abuse but you are strong and survivor. Also all of us have been with a cheater one point in life. I found out that one cheated on me when he got himself tested for std’s that really freaked me out as he was my first love and first man I had slept with so not nice experience. What is not the easiest lesson to learn is that you cannot drag those things that happened with someone else to next relationship. You need to learn to live with the fear but give the new person a chance as they have not done nothing to you yet and therefore are innocent of what has happened in past. Sadly we all have to meet those people who are cruel, lie and cheat but we cannot brush them all in the same mould. I wish it was not so but such is life and no one said it would be fair. But you have managed through worse things and like I said he clearly does have feelings for you it just that mistrust and emails made him mad. So once he cools off and he gets the space he needs I am sure he cares enough to contact you and if not then you contact him once you are ready after the nc to just for a friendy chat without pressuring him and take it from there but first things first goal is you for now : )
Currently really struggling this morning. I don’t know if my exes phone is even working yet and if it is not, was he really planning on just never talking again and breaking up!? Like what the heck would have happened had i not contacted his work since he had not even emailed me informing me his phone was gonna go out and since idk how long it was out for. He wasn’t on Instagram for like a week and still isn’t wlrhough I’m blocked out now -.- so maybe he had gotten my messages last Wednesday when I went crazy ? (This was before we broke up I texted him saying I would come by his house to talk since I had not heard from him in over a week (the week started when I sent him 50 texts my first day of work but also he had been acting distant since his gma passed away early March 🙁 )
Im ruminating again and now I want know if my friend was right and my ex wanted to break up the whole time!!!???? Or if my ex was posted and that’s why he didn’t tell me about his phone and then I went and emailed his work and made him angrier??? Ugh help 🙁I don’t think his phone is working still and now I’m flipping out wondering if he was just really ticked and angry and that’s why he didn’t tell me about his phone and if my email to work made it worse OR if he was actually going to let our relationship dissipate??? Which was my greatest fear and he had said wouldn’t happen? Ahhhh help!
You are reading things into a situation you don’t know about. Maybe he was just busy with work and since he was also short on money as he was only able to pay student loan and not sort the phone, money stuff and lack of it to pay bills is stressful and people are not always comfortable talking about money even with their girlfriend sometimes people just need to stew and think about stuff and they will talk when they are ready but you did not give him the chance even in relationship people sometimes need space to figure their stuff out before they talk about it. If he said he would not let your relationship dissipate without saying so then why don’t you believe him. You said earlier he was honest about stuff so why would he lie about that? The thing is you jumped immediately when you did not get response and assumed worst case scenario when it could have been multiple things that were keeping him pre occupied like money situation, work issues etc, and he has a child as well so ….give him some credit if he is the guy you described he is? Only you know him.
And that is why you need to heal some of the things inside you before you get back together with him. And start writing that journal : ).
Yeah that’s true. It was just really hard for me to trust that because my anxiety and fear that anyone would just leave me and that I deserved to be left and hurt was so strong. I also knew he was upset with me for sending him 50 texts 2 weeks ago and I guess I internalized that and thought everything was about me and I sent like 10-15 every day for a week then didn’t say a thing for 2 days and still didn’t hear. I want to know when his phone was working and when it stopped and why he didn’t tell me and if he was just planning to break up and you are right, I do not know. It is just really difficult for me as my anxiety is strong. The journal is a great idea I am hoping I will start today :/ and yeah I know he has a son who is 5 and I guess I never thought he struggled with money as he has two jobs! One is only part time though. I want to know if we will get back together and what exactly he feels right now and if he even misses me.. It is really hard for me to keep calm and not ruminate. I don’t know how to start fixing myself and my issues! All I keep thinking is “what if I never get him back!?” “What if he just was gonna break up and let me go without telling me?” Etc 🙁
@finntoga I also do know he is probably mad right now and angry even though his email seemed to mask some of that like I would have rather had a more emotion filled email you know? :/ ughhh like what was he planning to do not talk to me for two weeks then let me know his phone has gone off! -.-
maybe his email masked some of the anger because he does not want to hurt you intentionally which would speak volumes about his feelings but think about it your expectations are too much is dome would text me like 10-15 times every day and I have one full time job, one part time and I am balancing a child and relationship etc. Last thing you need is to get bombarded. He was with you because he wanted and you are worth being loved like all of us. You are no better nor worse than anyone else. You are good enough and you working on stuff which is great. But really? 50 messages and hen followed by 10-15 per day?? People cannot always answer immediately and you should not expect that.It does not mean he is getting ready to leave you. maybe he was going to tell you about his phone breaking but after the messaging or emails I would not have either because I would have been angry too if I am honest. It seems you are very impulsive and jump on the first feeling you get and then act without thinking it through and not putting yourself in his position. I can say something I work full time and study part time and that is rough and I equal having two jobs to that so did you ever ask him is he tired? How long will he work two jobs? Does he have money issues? Etc.I mean he has student loan and I am assuming he also pays some maintenance for his child so money could be tight why else would he work two jobs? You need to work on issues one at the time this is not a race that you need to finish by end of this week or next. You mentioned therapist have you spoken to her/him about self esteem issues and trust issues? Maybe that would help seeing a professional who can provide tools and steps you could take? I dont know I am not really an expert.
That’s a really good point. I think I logically knew that he could be busy and that may be why he didn’t reply right away but I also was getting more anxious because he had been replying less to my texts about when is his break can he meet up etc and I started to take it personally
So it is really hard to confront my issues. I have spoken to my therapist and she is encouraging me to stay in the future as she says ruminating on the past or saying “what if” is not helpful to me right now as I do not know. That is so hard for me because I like to know what is happening had have that sort of control. I know also my ex was upset thinking I wanted to control our relationship while I actually thought he wanted to so we clearly had a miscommunication. It is interesting that you say you also would not have notified your significant other of your phone going off in his situation bc you would be too angry… I guess I didn’t think of it like that 🙁 all i thought is he hasn’t responded and then my mind jumped to thinking he would just never speak to me again!!! I didn’t know how to confront that. And now I wanna know does he miss me care about me would he give us another chance etc
I agree… past is past you cannot change it but you can learn from it is okay to be more careful initially whne you have trust issues but you should not jump into the mode oh he does not love nor want me he will leave me because I have issues. He saw your great attributes and I am sure you have many you just are blind to them yourself : ) that is why he fell in love with you, he knew about your trust issues and eating disorder and he wanted to be with you regardless so these were not the deal breakers for him but I think you might have gotten bit too demanding and taking his situation in to mind as well and that is normal too when you are dealing with issues.It is just not realistic to expect someone to do things always the way you want they have their own stuff and maybe he just wanted to spare you from his whilst you are having rough time? Does that sound like someone who does not love you and want you? It was your fears about past repeating itself that got you doubting and it seems you then only increased the speed of self doubt and obsessive behavior instead of going well what other reasons could be contributing for him pulling away?. My nephew is great source of inspiration to me because I use to obsess about past too. Learn to forgive to people who hurt you and feel sorry for them missing out on the company of great person like you. You are not to blame on the cheating nor the abuse those were the issues of those two people doing it, you were the victim not the one to be blame and not the one that had something wrong with. You were trusting person and that is not a bad thing we all trust sometimes to wrong people but how do we know until they show that. of them. So back to my nephew he is two years old and I love watching going around like he has a mission all the time and seeing how he is in this moment he lives full on this moment and future is just big open book and past he does not think of and every time I see him or I feel like dwelling on past I think of him and it makes me smile and I stick with this moment or making some plans. Dont make plans for like years ahead one year tops start with easy stuff. But every time you feel your thoughts slipping to past think of what is done is done I cannot change it but I can be better, I was not beaten so I am stronger now and you are so just keep at it. once you get good at seeing when the cycle comes on and getting breaking it you are on right track. Then try making small positive changes and if you have a setback in anything do not beat yourself just say ok messed up will do my best to learn from this and not repeat it.It happens.
Read what you are saying I want to know does he miss me, does he want me, do we have a chance? Where is the part of how is he doing? Is he hurt?Did I hurt him? Remember time is needed for both he propably cannot answer those questions at the moment for many reasons so to be honest time is only thing for both of you and will show if you get back together those answers are not here now nor will they be Your friends cannot say that I cannot say that if we did we would be lying because none of us knows. I know it is not what you want to hear but I am not going to lie to you.This is the situation and you re the one who chooses the next steps for you.
@Finntoga. I just read your message from earlier this morning! I somehow missed it. Thank you for your kind words. Yeah, I have been through a lot and that was nice to hear that you think I’m resilient. I am so sorry about your ex as well! That is horrible! It was really hard for me to not bring that mistrust into my new relationship as my old ex really really hurt me and took all my trust away and my new ex knew that…but was with me anyways.. :/ blah 🙁
Yeah, you definitely nailed it right there. I always thought I was not worth it because of my issues and that what guy would want to be with a girl like me with an eating disorder and anxiety and depression. He also used to point out my good qualities more before I became more needy and I’m so mad at myself for that 🙁 I always was worried about other girls that liked him, even before we were dating as it made me so jealous.
Yeah I may have gotten too demanding and I want to talk to him and make things better. And yeah you may be right, maybe he did want to do that. I know he does not like sharing his issues in general as he wants to be “strong” I think -_- he said he doesn’t like being a burden on anyone else and he never realized I wanted him to share with me!! He had talked too about how I needed to face my problems alone as well and be strong and that bothered me when I just really wanted a hug and support.And yeah you are totally right. I was very fearful about the past happening again and that’s what led to the obsessive behavior…it was almost like I did the obsessive behavior that my ex that cheated on me does as he would cheat and then be obsessed and try to convince me back. I never cheated nor did my new ex however I was still so worried about it especially when I became intimidated by other girls. I have a niece that is 3 🙂 She also makes me soooo happy as she is lovely, sweet, innocent, cute, and funny. She does not live by me but I will be seeing her next week. It is so hard for me to truly forgive and feel sorry I think.. and I think I did blame myself even though I knew it was not my fault 🙁 it just is hard for me to logically accept that.
That is a really good way to use your nephew as inspiration 🙂 I never thought of that before!
And yeah thanks so much for the advice 🙂 I will try to break the cycle I’m just still so nervous I have lost him forever.
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