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I’ve posted here before, but a quick synopsis is… my ex and I work together (still do), dated for 2 years, she dumped me at the end of May.
I’ve been good about NC, in that I’ve given her a ton of space, and have hardly initiated any contact except to let her know I understand and she needn’t worry about how I’ll act at work, and to have a sit-down to get a bit more closure and speak my peace (respectfully) since I had been so blindsided at the time of the breakup.
She’s been cold as hell–won’t even look at me or say goodbye to me when we’re in groups together, it’s been hard. But that’s how she deals with shit, it sucks and it’s immature but that’s what I’m up against. In the past week or 2, however, she’s been a bit more cordial. She’s skyped me jokes about work. She’s skyped me jokes about out favorite foods, came over to joke about it face to face, came over to talk about a mutual friend randomly getting a cat. It’s her (shallow) way of pretending she’s being friendly or normal.
Her birthday is this weekend… at first I thought, hell no i’m not going to text her happy birthday, i need to continue to show I’m moving past this and live that way or it will never actually happen. Then I thought, maybe it would be the mature “big” thing to do. But in the end now I’m reverting back to, i shouldn’t do it. She’ll just take it to mean I’m still thinking about her. Hell, she may be so moved on that she’d joke about it with some new boy she’s seeing (i do know she’s been going on dates, whatever.) So i don’t want to give up ground on my “no contact” battle, but I also wonder if it would trigger something slightly in her to see I am being mature and kind.
Right now, I’m leaning towards “no, just forget about it/her”. Maybe if i cross paths in the office today and it’s not weird I can casually say “hey happy birthday, by the way” but nothing more. I don’t know. I just am not sure what to do here–clearly I can tell in my mind I want her back but I also think it’s very dangerous for me because… I don’t think I’m gonna get her back at this point… Ugh, this is all quite hard!
Hello,
It seems like she recently has some more interest in you. I think you should say happy birthday but that is it just leave it at that. After all you were the closest person to her for a very long period of time so I think it is only right you wish her a happy birthday. Just a simple text and then end it at that.
Thanks for your reply, Nicholle. I’m just… I know her interest is no more than her putting on a surface-level amount of friendliness. Otherwise she seems 100% moved on, and looking for something new. Maybe I’m too in my own head. I just feel like, I know she isn’t “coming around” just yet so I’m not sure if I should make it seem like I’m still thinking about her with a text… Maybe you are right though, I’m just still struggling back and forth.
Edit: and you’re right, I was the closest person to her for 2 years but.. she’s also managed to cut that off 100% and act perfectly fine without me, despite seeing me almost every day. Makes me think, well, it wasn’t that important to her. I’m a bit.. self-loathing about it clearly.
I think you’re the best person to make this decision. Nobody else will know how she or you would take it.
I would lean on the “don’t do it” side. But I’d ask this.. would you be sending the message because you really do want to contact her? Do you want to let her know you are thinking about her? If it wasn’t her birthday, would you send her a message?
Thanks for your response. I think my motive would be because I do still care about her. I’d want her to know I’m not a cold person and I kind of like the idea of being on the high road. If it were not her birthday, I would not be messaging her.
At the same time I feel that she won’t be able to properly appreciate it, it will just seem like I’ve been thinking about her and I think she is convinced she is moved on and I should too. She seems to pretend she wants to be friends but I feel that’s more because she wants things to be easier and wants to have her cake and eat it too. Deep down, I don’t think I can be her friend, because I know I will always want to have her back as more. I worry I try to make things friendly because I think that will make a difference but that’s a dangerous game for me. I think at this point she is convinced of her decision and wif she would ever change it, it won’t be for a long time.
@strugglingbigtime – I think you should send a happy birthday text simply because it’s a thoughtful and kind thing to do after knowing each other so long. Of course you still care about her and think about her and she already knows that. Just send the text:)
@patricia12 , I get that. I am just still hurt by how she has been able to shut me out so much. She simply does not want to be with me anymore and I know she’s someone who let’s things revolve around her more than they really should. As a result I feel like sending the text will just make her feel like I’m still clinging onto something when I feel like the only path forwards is for her to see that I am not. I know she has been dating and in her mind, this is a final decision, she is too stubborn to see it any other way right now.I’m so torn. I feel a bit like a jerk not sending it, but I also feel like if I do it, I may be lending to the idea that we could be friends, and right now I’m not sure that’s possible for me, even if that would be easier on her. She has had opportunities to be normal and thoughtful towards me but hasnt done it, or has only done it because she knew we’d have to be around one another. I want her to feel I’m moved on and one day, I want to feel like she realizes this was a mistake on her part. There’s so much in my head right now.
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