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First off, thank you to Kevin for this site and emails. You’ve given me a lot of understanding, goals, and stability of mind. I will try to keep this post as short and concise as possible.
My gf of two years split up with me a bit over a month ago. We had a home together, along with her teen son. Other than normal little squables, everything had been great, and we had plans for the future. But we live in a very rural area and this winter I’d had trouble transitioning from my summer job to finding_anything_. She carried us but it obviously caused stress that led to loss of attraction and her not seeing a future together. I have a growing summer business, and goals to make things more stable year round. I’ve also now taken a job that will allow me to work all through next winter to address these financial inadequacies.
When we first split, I knew enough not to be clingy and beg, and drive her further away. After finding this site, I initiated NC, and after making it through that, have over the last couple weeks been increasingly trading texts with her, building up attraction. She mentioned a couple times how she missed me and how hard the breakup was for her.
This led to two nights ago. We’d each been having some drinks at separate friends houses. She texted, asking if I’d be willing to come over and eventually give her a ride home. I agreed. Everything went well at our friends house. When we went to go home, she asked if we could go up to the overlook and watch the stars. We didn’t really talk about the break up at all and just enjoyed the night. I dropped her and her car off and started to walk home when she texted asking if Id like to come back over for a while. I did. Mistake#1. We fooled around for a bit and then I left.we spent the next 30minutes texting how good we’d made eachother feel. Some dirty texts. How we’d missed eachother. She called me her love. Mistake #2.
Yesterday evening, I hadn’t heard from her. Wanting to be a gentleman and address what had happened the night before, I texted saying that I’d had fun the night before and wished her a good night. She responded saying that she felt things had gone too far. She doesn’t want it to happen again. And she needs some distance. I waited until this morning to respond, and agreed we went too fast the other night. I’d enjoyed talking with her on and off again lately but that I understood and wished her a good day.
She drove by me while I was on a run today and waved, but that’s also just the polite thing to do here.
That’s where I stand now. My plan right now is to just give her a few days and then slowly start building attraction with texts etc again. Is this enough time? Have her defenses gone up too much? Any input is appreciated. Thanks, 🙂
I think I’ll give it one more day and then try contacting her before the weekend. Nothing too serious, just something to try and reopen communication. I’m just worried she’ll use her regret of going too far as reason to keep her defenses up. She obviously was in the prime stage of missing me, I’m just unsure if I should try again while the iron is hot or if I need to let emotions cool down more, and risk taking too long and her moving on? I know it’s really only a week, but each day seems forever.
I’m assuming you moved out of the home. Stay no contact for at least 30 days or more even if it’s difficult. Don’t worry about her moving on because if she really loves you and thinks the relationship could work out, she won’t. You both need to rethink how this relationship can be better and you need to think about whether you can support a family in the future and how you’re going to do that. Good luck.
Yes I had moved out and done 30days no contact. Have started a winter/spring seasonal job to compliment and help support my summer business.
Update.
She ended up calling me first and we spent a little more time together. The next morning she texted me good morning and that she hopes ill be in her life always.We ended up texting most of the day about different things. At one point she did ask me why I thought our relationship didnt work, and what ive learned from our time apart. I told her and asked her the same. Our answers were basically the same. And its what Ive been working on and she knows im working on it. Later she asked if she could come over. I gave her a long massage and we fell asleep holding eachother until late.
This morning I texted her Good morning, have a great day. She responded saying
“Good morning xxxxx. I had a good time last night. But please understand I do not want to get back together. I care about you and always will. I want you in my life always. I just don’t want to lead you on or make you think this means we’re going to reunite. I’m sorry. I hope you understand.”
I haven’t responded yet. I haven’t asked her to get back together. Of course I want to. But it must all be on her mind too. How to proceed to take it slow?
I ended up adapting one of Kevin’s example messages to my situation. I think her response is positive, but I don’t want to be friendzoned while she goes through these hot and cold actions of coming over and then pushing away the following day…
“Honestly, a part of me does want to give us another try. I understand why our last relationship ended and know things would be different. But we would need to take things slow. I am okay with whatever happens and have just enjoyed spending time with you again without any goal or future motive. We have a lot of fun together and I want you in my life too.”
Her response:
“Thanks so much (name) <3
Sounds great.”Hey,
I think you should wait for her to contact you and wheen she does,don’t answer instantly.
Get yourself busy, go out and have fun,make positive changes in your life,be happy and confident..wheen she sees that,she will realize that you don’t need her to be happy ang hopefully she is gonna want to bee a part of your happy life.
Show her now that you two are not dating,she’s not a priority anymore.if you two follow each other on social media,use it two show her how great your life is.
Always keep the conversations short and nice
I’m sure she still has feelings for you but shes still confused.
Keep it slow and play it coolGood luck
You’re welcome.
And one more thing,don’t freak out about getting friend zoned for now actually the more you treat her like just a friend,the more she’s gonna want to have what she used to have.
It’s the pull and push dynamic you pull away,her mind’s wants to push and vice versa.Heh, I wonder how she’d respond if I texted her saying im putting her in the friendzone, or asking her how the friendzone feels…
Thanks A.Z. Im sure ill be posting here again soon…
She cares about you, but she said she does NOT want to get back together and she doesn’t want to lead you on. To me, it’s clear and you should accept what she said. I don’t believe the push / pull dynamic will work as she’s already made up her mind. She must think you’re a good person because she wants you to stay in her life as a friend.
You wrote: “I am okay with whatever happens and have just enjoyed spending time with you again without any goal or future motive.” and she replied: “Thanks .. sounds great”. She thinks you will eventually accept the friendship. But the thing is, you can’t really be a friend because you want more than that and you will end up getting hurt even more than you are now. Even though difficult, I suggest you tell her you can’t be just friends and cut all ties with her. It’s possible that after a very long time of no contact (maybe 6 months), she will have time to think rationally and reconsider.
Do NOT respond by saying you’re putting HER in the friend zone or asking her how the friend zone feels!! It sounds unkind and cruel..
Hi Scotch, I too had sex with my ex a week after NC finished. Im the girl here so it’s different. I did not contact after that lovely night. I just took it as a fun night that i badly needed. My ex contacted me 3 days after and started a long conversation with me. He then started talking about that night. I asked if he wanted to do it again. He said yes but then again I dissapeared. NC for a couple of days he reached back to me for 4 days straight every morning. I saw him again we went to have dinner together. I did NC again and today 4 days after he has contacted me.
Scotch, i believe your ex still has feelings for you too. I suggest you try again. Follow your plan and rebuild the trust. Do not ever let her know you want her back. Just let it happen slowly. Im sure it will work. Everything that you have read here its true.
Btw financial issues can break up any couple. I got super stressed too and thats why my relationship went down hill. We had 8 happy years together and 2 years living together. Last year on November 29 sadly we loss our baby girl after her cord was cut she never breathed. It was so hard for the relationship, then I had to recover from a c-section and he loss his job at that time. When we get so much issues, we tend to forget our love life.
Thanks leidy, I appreciate the advice and encouragement, and sympathize with your losses.
She messaged me a few times last night, asking what I was doing, and venting about her projects at work this week, looking for encouragement. I didn’t respond until hours later. Encouraged and supported her and she said she wished I could be holding her right now. I can understand seeking emotional support from me, even if she justs wants to be friends, but the holding, cuddling, touching, and sexual interaction contradict her.
It was late so we both said goodnight. I messaged her another little bit of encouragement this morning. But now I think I’ll try and wait for her to hopefully message me.
Wow scotch, everything its going very good for you. I think waiting for her to contact you next time, its the right thing to do. You don’t want to look so into her. Even though you are. Also by not contacting her, you don’t make any mistake to your progress. I’m rooting for you here. Good luck!
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