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Shorter version:
My girlfriend of 3 years and I are back together, but things aren’t the same. She doesn’t say she loves me anymore (unless I say it first), and she hasn’t moved back in. I would like to get back to where we were, and potentially get married within the next year. At this point I’ve lost 45lbs since the breakup (2 months ago) and I’m still losing more. I feel great about myself and I feel like I could move on and be happy as well. I’m 30 years old, attractive, don’t have any kids, I’m not an asshole, rarely drink, and I make a good living as a network engineer. How many single, attractive, non-abusive & non-asshole guys are there that make good money and don’t have any kids at the age of 30? Maybe there are more than I think, I don’t know. I just feel like I deserve more than what I’m getting. I realize the mistakes that I made, and if it just takes a little more time for things to get back to normal then I’m OK with that. After-all how many single, attractive, non-abusive & non-bitchy girls are there that make a decent living and don’t have any kids at the age of 28? She is a great catch, and I would hate to let things go if we can get back to normal. I just need some advice/help getting there!!! If anybody has any please respond!
Long version (this doesn’t include everything that I had in previous posts, but it gives you an idea of the background.):
My girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years together. I start NC the day of the breakup, and starting working on what I thought were some of the reasons why she broke up with me. She ended up calling me after 2 weeks, and that night I ended up going to her apartment and sleeping with her. A few days later she called and asked if we could get together later that week and talk. We actually talked every night that week, and when I went to her apartment that Friday to have our “talk” she didn’t really want to talk anymore. She ended up saying that she just wanted to be friends. That night we only made it about 30 minutes into a movie before we headed to the bedroom and had sex again though, and for the next 3 weeks we were basically “friends with benefits”.
One night she asked me to come over even though we couldn’t have sex (her period). That night we were laying in bed and she could tell something was on my mind. She started asking questions. At first she thought that I was seeing somebody else, because she saw me texting a girl a few times. I told her that she was just a friend, but she was really a potential rebound that I was working on (we hadn’t done anything yet though, so technically just friends). She finally got it out of me that I thought what we were doing would end badly, and that I wanted to say goodbye and stop talking to her.
At this point we were both upset and crying. I felt like I needed to leave because it was really hard on me. She didn’t want me to go though. I started asking her some questions, like why she didn’t want to try again. She said that “in her mind it was just already over”. At that point I really felt like I needed to leave, so I got up and started getting dressed. She started crying more saying she didn’t want me to leave. I told her that, “It’s already over. You said so yourself! This is just making it hard on both of us!”. She started to hyperventilate uncontrollably, and kept saying “No, I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to go.” I couldn’t get her to stop. I went to get her water, but she wouldn’t drink it unless I promised to stay until morning (so I did).
I did not sleep very well that night, and as soon as the sun came up I started getting dressed again. She heard me, and started crying again and asked me not to leave. I told her that I really needed to go and think about some things, and she let me. She called me several times that day crying, but never had anything to say. Once she called for help with her homework, and after I helped her she said that she wanted to try again. I told her that I didn’t believe her, and that I thought she was just upset. I said that we needed to take some time and make sure that’s what we both want before we do it again. She didn’t seem to understand, but agreed.
The next week we kept talking and seeing each other like we did when we were “friends with benefits”, except now she finally started to come back over to my place. She basically lived with me before the breakup, and only kept her apartment for her parents sake (so they didn’t think we had lived together / had sex). Things seemed OK, but they weren’t back to normal. I asked her one night if she really wanted to try again, because I didn’t feel like she was trying very hard. She said yes, she wanted to, and didn’t understand what else I wanted her to do. I told her the following things that were bothering me:
1. She hasn’t told her family that were are back together (her parents or her sisters). Her answer to this was that she didn’t really know what we were at this point.
2. She still stays at her apartment more than she comes over. Her answer to this was that she basically lived with me when we were together before and she just thought that I could come over to her place for a little while. The main reason why we didn’t do that before though was because I have a dog, and her place doesn’t allow dogs. I found out that this was something she was upset about though, and she wanted me to come stay at her place more instead of her always staying at my place (even though she never said anything).
3. She doesn’t say that she loves me anymore. If I say it she says it back, but it doesn’t seem the same. She almost says it at times. Like before sometimes she would say my full name loudly in a harsh tone (like I did something wrong), and then she would say she loves me. Now, she still says my name but instead of saying she loves me she backs off and says, “I don’t know”. It’s like she forgets that she doesn’t say that anymore sometimes and starts to, and then backs down. She did not give me an answer to this one, which is what worries me the most.
We are having sex more now than we did when we first started dating. Most of that is because I stopped taking some medication that made me not want to have sex. When we are together things are great. They just aren’t the way they used to be. I want to get back to where we were before. Should I just keep taking things slow and see where they lead? Should I force her to talk to me about why she is holding back? Should I tell her that I’m not happy with the way things are and do another 30 days NC? The truth is that I won’t be happy unless we can get back to where we were.
I just need some advice/help getting there!!! If anybody has any please respond!
Michael… I am not the best person to advise you but I thought about this many times if me and him get back and things have to go slow. And I think you should address the issues. Sit down with her. Actually maybe see if this video helps https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOt3HS9c0Ro
Can you read my topic and answer from a man’s perspective? When you described yourself it remind me of him. He is much younger but a real man already and I admire him a lot for who he is and really want and see a future with him. Please read my post, the first posts and maybe the third or forth page and think you will get a sense of it https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/
Give it sometime and be patient! Be thankful that she’s back in your life. I think any of us would love to be in your shoes right now. Your gf loves you, it’s obvious in your post. Just give her all the love and affection for now. Don’t get caught up in the minor details about her not saying she loves you. It’s very clear she does. Just embrace each moment you have.
Thank you for the replies! Sorry for the delay, it’s been a rough week. Kaila, thank you for posting that video as well. It made me realize that I do have distrust towards her for leaving me. I always told her that if there was ever a problem that I needed her to talk to me about it and give me a chance to fix it. She always promised that she would, but she didn’t and she left me without warning. With the problems that I mentioned in the OP and the original distrust from her leaving me it was just too much for me to be able to act like myself around her. I have had a wall up ever since we got back together.
I’ve always considered myself good at reading people, and I could tell something wasn’t right with our relationship. It was eating away at me, and I wasn’t happy. I feel like I deserve to be happy. On Wednesday afternoon something came over me and I felt like I needed to end things. I called her up, and she could tell something was on my mind. I let her know that I was coming over later, and then let her go and jumped into the shower (I do my best thinking in the shower for some reason). I decided that it was time to move on, and drove over to her place. At first I didn’t want to say anything, but she knew I came over to talk and forced it out of me. I told her that I didn’t think this was working. After a pause she admitted that she kind of felt the same way. I then went on to explain how I felt like we needed to top talking all together, because I can’t move on when I’m still talking to her. She didn’t seem to like this idea very much, but didn’t really have much to say about it. There was just a long silence. I thought there would be more talking, and it was awkward so I told her that maybe I should just leave. She started crying and just said, “you don’t have to.” I put my stuff back down and told her all of the things that were bothering me. I asked her what her problems were with our relationship as it is now, and she told me that she felt like she was the only one that was trying. She went on to say that she was always the one to text or call me. I told her the reason why I didn’t text or call more was because of all of the distrust and how I didn’t know if she even wanted to talk to me at times. I wanted to get back to the way things were. I didn’t want to have to call, I wanted her to come over as soon as she got off work without me asking like she used to. We talked for a while, and when it seemed like we were done talking I tried to leave again. She stopped me saying, “We haven’t even decided anything yet, why are you leaving?” I told her that I didn’t realize there was anything left to decide, but went ahead and sat back down. The next thing she said was, “I guess it’s just best if we move on.” I already knew that was were this was headed, so I just said OK and left.
The next day I got home from work to find my apartment unlocked. When I got inside I saw that she had gotten the rest of her stuff from my apartment, and dropped off her set of keys to my apartment and car. I was relieved that she did it without me there. I didn’t want to see her anymore. I was ready to move on. A few hours later she called though. She asked if it was OK that she come over. I could tell she was already driving, so I said that was fine and she told me she was already on her way.
When she got here she was very quite. She was in shorts and a t-shirt, and was a bit sweaty because she had gone for a jog. I had to push her to say what she wanted to say, and when she finally did she told me that she wanted to try again. I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t. I just started asking her questions, like why it was so hard for her to say what she wanted to say. She said because she didn’t know how I was going to respond. I asked her if she still loved me. She said she did. I asked if she was sure about this I don’t know how many times. She told me that she had just been thinking about things while she was walking/jogging after work, and decided that she wanted to try again. I still didn’t want to say yes. I wasn’t expecting this. I thought it was finally over. I still love her though, and I couldn’t say no.
We watched TV for a bit, and I was expecting her to go home since she still needed to shower and didn’t have any stuff with her. I was a bit surprised to hear that she had a bag full of stuff in her car. I guess after her jog she went and packed a bag to come over, then called while she was on her way. It’s almost as if she knew I was going to say yes. I don’t know what to think about that, so I guess I’m trying not to read into it. Just a little worried that she thinks she can come back whenever she wants, and I will always take her. I suppose she could have just been planning ahead too.
Anyway, so she spends the night Thursday night and I end up spending the night at her place last night. She still has yet to tell me that she loves me past our conversation about getting back together. I already feel like this is going in the same direction as last time. This is the 2nd time I’ve tried to end things with her, and she always comes back the next day and I take her back. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will give it some time, but I still have huge doubts.
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