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Hey girls! And Mike!
I still sometimes check back here to see if there are any updates from you. (Atea, let us know if your ex reaches out on your birthday!) All in all, I’m glad to see everyone moving forward.. at a different pace I’m sure, but straight ahead is the only way to go.
I can’t tell you, I’ve learnt so much from this experience, I feel really grateful. I understand myself better, I understand what I’m looking for in a relationship, I’m not willing to settle anymore or to run after someone that’s not interested. I’ve kind of meditated over my past relationships and tried to understand the patterns there and it’s been very enlightening!
Anyway, we are now good friends with the ex! After that initial 1 month of NC we got together, talked, said our goodbyes, got our closures, agreed that it’s best to part ways, and then after some time apart, it just changed for me. I didn’t feel angry or resentful anymore, I understood his reasoning and I agreed with it. And I would have been settling if I had stayed with him, and I think he always felt that. But we get along so well and are so comfortable around each other that losing each other as friends would have been a horrible mistake. And now we even talk a lot about dating stuff. He talks about his tinder dates (he’s very adamant about not getting serious with anyone, so it’s on par with what he told me when we broke up) and he’s been super supportive of me about this jerk who crushed me a little bit. Which I think is also telling – normally I wouldn’t let something like that get to me, but I think after coming out of a long relationship, you’re more vulnerable and you’re more likely to get attached quickly and might need more validation due to some dents in your self-esteem than normally. So although it’s been a month since THAT happened, I still feel a bit crappy about it, but I’m learning how to let go and not chase after someone who is not willing to put in the effort. I feel like I know what I want and I won’t settle for anything less, and I’m in no rush to find it.
So I really recommend learning the art of letting go. And I almost think it’s healthiest to believe in some form of fate.. like, if it’s meant to be, it will come around. It kind of works out in a way that it can’t always be you that’s putting in all the effort and chasing after someone, if they don’t meet you half way then that’s all the signs you need. The one that doesn’t give up on you is the one you will want to fight for.
Anwyay, that’s just thoughts that have helped me through this ordeal. I wish you all the best!
Aphrodite, it was so nice of you to ask about me! I always felt a bit left out of the core group, so it’s nice of you to think of me still..
I’m actually doing really bad at the moment. Unrelated to the ex. I had been seeing this guy I had been to uni with and we’d always been a bit flirty, but the timing was never right, so we went on a couple of dates over the last couple months and it was nice and I was starting to care for him and everything else was looking up as well and I was in great spirits. And then he invited me over this weekend (he lives in a different town) and we slept together for the first time, and like.. immediately after that he went completely cold and acted awkward and I slept in the guest room and he barely said goodbye to me in the morning.. I know this is something that guys do, but I might expect that from a random club hook up, not someone I know, have friends in common with, someone who seemed to take a sincere interest in me. He hasn’t even said sorry. I don’t know why, but this completely broke me.. No one has ever treated me with such disrespect and I just didn’t see it coming and it was the first time I started to feel something for someone else and opened up to him, and I just feel completely used and worthless and like I will never let anyone close to me again.. I had a really hard time even getting out of bed this morning and I’ve been crying non-stop.. I know I’m overreacting probably, but I don’t think I should feel guilty for my feelings. I was vulnerable and being treated like that just.. broke me. I’m sorry for venting that here, but I just really needed to get all that out.
On a more positive note, I’ve been in contact with the ex and we’re having lunch and might give the friends thing a try, because I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, and I could really use a friend right now.
I’m happy you’re all doing well.
Aphrodite, I’m glad you had this opportunity to spend some time with your ex. Usually a break up happens so quickly and suddenly, we feel like there’s so much that still needed to be said, or done, or taken in properly for the last time.. so I’m glad you had that opportunity. Whether or not that means anything for you two in the long run.
Atea, I’m sorry your ex was cold to you, but really this was to be expected and honestly you’re better off not contacting him at all. And by this time, you have every reason to at least try to move on yourself. None of us know what the future holds, but it’s pointless to hang on to people that don’t want you to.Yes, I responded! I texted him saying thanks. I wouldn’t compare our exes too much (any more), your ex still really loves you and probably knows you really well, so I’m sure when he reaches out on your birthday, it will be more personal. Also you’ve agreed to reevaluate your situation then, so depending on what he wants to say, the birthday wishes might reflect that decision as well.. And yes, I had a lovely day, thank you! A lot of friends reached out and I feel very loved and lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. I’m also chatting to some nice guys I met over tinder (no dates yet, though!) and some newly single friends are showing interest, so I’m feeling quite uplifted and confident. 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS on day 30!!! You’ve done an amazing job! Keep at it, this really is the only way to go in our situation. You will reach a more satisfying conclusion/closure at a later point in time, so you don’t have to worry about anything for now. It’s out of your hands and you can just focus on yourself until then. I’m so happy for your progress. 🙂
Happy belated birthday, Mike! Let us know how today’s date goes! And Belle and Aphrodite, you too! 😀
My bday was also this weekend, got a message and a postcard (!) from the ex.. I thought it was a nice gesture, but nothing to write home about, just your generic birthday wishes.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s weird to have received messages from your ex’s family members. It just means they care about you and thought of you as family. It seems like something my parents would do or my ex’s parents also, if we had broken up on good terms. And since you responded to their texts, I can understand why your ex would send the 2nd text to make sure you got hers.. she still cares about you, and people want to reach out during someone’s birthday! You should say thanks 🙂
Hope everyone is doing well! I would assume everyone is doing better, since we’re all posting less frequently! All part of the healing process! 😛
Think of it like this: Since you’ve already done the begging and pleading, the only way you can make her think that you’re not that needy person anymore is by doing NC. Why? Because if you were to assume contact again, after only days, or weeks after coming across as desperate and needy, it won’t be believable! She’ll think you are faking it (which you would be). The only way to convince her you are over her is to do a LONG period of NC, after which, if you get in contact with her and show her a new and improved version of yourself, she might actually buy it. Coincidentally, you need NC for yourself, to actually become that person that she might be attracted to again. Because, guess what, desperation reeks. It’s painfully obvious every damn time, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And it’s never attractive. So although NC is no guarantee for getting an ex back, it’s definitely your best shot. Good luck!
I don’t think I would recommend anger as a therapeutic tool, but I must admit, it did help me a lot! Just to get out of that pathetic wallowing in sadness and self pity phase. It kind of made my heart glaze over in relation to my ex. I don’t actively feel angry any more of course, but I have no heartwarming feelings for him either that’s for sure! And I’m positive that’s what’s helped me heal. And hopefully in time, I might allow myself to smile at a nice memory again, but for now, I feel more comfortable in my ice queen status!
I’m glad mike and atea are doing better, and I know you will get there also Belle and Aphrodite! Stay strong, we all have to go at our own pace at this struggle.
You’re supposed to contact them only when you know where YOU are at. Without the confounds of emotion and desperation. And hope that they also are at a phase where they can hear you out and reconsider your relationship.
I know NC is sold a bit as this magical tool for getting an ex back, but really it’s all about fixing yourself up. You’re not supposed to be focusing on her healing process. Just give it time and focus on yourself.Well, my order was: denial – anger – denial – sadness – bargaining – sadness – anger – anger – sadness – anger – acceptance. All within the brief span of 7 months. …
Short answer, you can’t know. And frankly, it’s none of your business. You shouldn’t be using that information to manipulate her.
But if she was the one to break up with you, then that process might have started well before she told you about it, and could even be in acceptance by now if she’s convinced you two should remain broken up. (Sorry, I haven’t followed your story)
I’m doing okay, atea, thank you. I think I’m a little bitter and a little disillusioned after this experience, but after he said he didn’t love me anymore, it was easy to let go. And he even expected us to stay friends – well, I love my friends! Love is not something that should be specific to just this feeling of being “in love” with someone. I said that what he thought he felt could not have been love if it just went away like that. His response was that he guesses he doesn’t love anyone then.. which is sad, for him. He’s selfish and emotionally detached, so I can’t imagine a very fulfilling future ahead for him. I, on the other hand, will love again. Anyway, I had to suck up my bitterness to wish him a happy birthday, but that’s the extent of it.
I fear that sometimes when people are searching for this kind of feeling or nudge that they can be sure that this one person is right for them or that they no longer have a need to look around, they might not recognize it. Or they might expect like a bigger sign.. which sometimes just never happens. You can’t wait around for a sign, sometimes you just have to trust your judgement and go with it and invest in it. That’s the case with my ex anyway, I feel like he was always waiting around for some sign, but that never happened. And I doubt it ever will. He will just always get fidgety after a while. But I hope your ex is different!
I was reading your conversation @atea1234 and @mike2014 , and this part, haha, EXACTLY what also happened with me and my ex:
“we were in an “open relationship”. we still visited each other, spoke everyday, said i love you, etc. but we were free to hookup with other people. … i felt compelled to know everyone he hooked up with and the details because i couldn’t stand him keeping things from me. he told me some things and then i became jealous and paranoid every time he would hang out with girls he had hooked up with even though he wasn’t cheating. he also never wanted to hear anything about who i hooked up with. he told me he never wanted to think or know about it.”
It was exactly the same with us – his one rule was that he didn’t want to know, and my rule was that I wanted to know everything. We took this one longer break and he later told me he slept with 3 girls during that time, and I took a whole afternoon, I asked who they were, how it happened, etc etc. It was really torturous for him to answer and for me to hear, but it made me feel a bit better. Because if I didn’t know, I would imagine the worst – I had some ideas about girls he liked and wanted to know if it was them, and I would always feel insecure and wonder if it was one of those girls he’s hanging out with now, etc. It would have driven me crazy. So when he confirmed it was none of the girls he regularly hung out with, I felt a bit better. But then it could have gone the other way around! Ultimately, I feel like an open relationship is NOT a great option, it definitely was part of the reason we eventually parted ways. We both got a sense of you know, there might be other things our there for us to explore, and between us it caused tension, distrust, resentment.. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. But yeah, I thought it was funny, how we felt really compelled to know every detail and the boys thought ignorance would be bliss.
Also, @mike2014, I still think you should ask her about the letter. Perhaps she’s put it out of her mind completely, or perhaps she’s read it and is not sure if or how she should respond. At least when you have your “final talk” you should find out if she’s read it. And if she hasn’t, you should clarify if those things still apply or how your perspective has changed etc. When do you plan on talking to her and do you still plan on suggesting reconciliation? Has the new tinder match changed anything for you at all? From some of the things you said about how you and your ex were both independent people – I think this is really important actually and not something to be taken lightly. More often than not you will end up with matches of people where one of the partners is independent and the other more needy, and that is a constant source of tension and problems. I think you both being on the same page in that aspect is one of your biggest strengths and you should expect that it might be difficult to find another girl like that – everyone “pretends” to be like that at the beginning, so don’t be fooled, but it will always become apparent eventually.
Belle, is this a new guy? I think you should give it a shot, have a nice meal, enjoy yourself. If you end up deciding he’s not worth the long drive then you can call it quits. I’m just worried you might regret it later if you don’t go only because of logistical reasons. You might end up having a great time!
Also I think it’s great you’re communicating with your ex. Getting everything out on the table might be what the both of you need right now.
Thank you so much for your support, everyone! Now it’s just onwards on the road to recovery..
Ok back from the meeting with the ex..
Well, it was.. good. In a devastating kind of way. Good because I really felt like what he had to say didn’t affect me very much anymore and also because it felt like closure. Even though I don’t believe it that.
Anyway, word of advice – if any of you also plan a meet up with your exes that you expect might not go so well, definitely do it in a public place! There were some tears today, but since it was in public, we both had to restrain the emotions.
It started out a bit awkward, I was polite but cold, he was polite but apologetic/guilty (because of my letter), we talked a bit about what we’d been up to and some mutual acquaintances. And then later also about break up stuff and about whether or not we could stay friends. He seemed to want to, but failed to give one good reason why (seemed like it was out of guilt). Also he told me some things that really hurt – like that he had stopped loving me – something he never brought up while breaking up with me!! Back then it was just about how he wasn’t ready to settle down etc etc – he thought that since he wasn’t ready, that’s why the love went away, but I told him that’s not how love works (a part of me still loves him for example, despite not liking him as a person very much!!). So yeah. I thought that was pretty harsh. And there were some other stuff. A part of me feels bad for him, he was quite upset. I said we were probably better off not staying friends. Maybe someday. And that he could still get in touch if he needed to etc. Okay, now as I write this I’m crying a little bit, I felt fine before.. But yeah, it just felt really final. And also he’s taken a lot away from me – in terms of what I thought our relationship was and how he felt about me, and then the reality which is actually different. Oh well. 4 years wasted as they say.Anyway, atea, I guess our stories aren’t that similar after all. My ex just used the whole “want to look around some more” as an excuse… Yours has been very clear that he still loves you very much. I guess that’s something, eh.
I also wanted to comment on something @mike2014 said about the thing about men being emotional and the balance of being the strong one vs the emotional one. I do think that women expect men to be stronger and to stay level headed when they are being irrationally emotional, but that does not entail not being able to communicate your feelings! So like atea said, it’s a balance! Feeling things and being able to put that into words and being motivated to work on problems and expressing concerns etc is all very important. I think men are often lacking in these skills because of the way we are brought up. Girls play house and play with dolls and imitate relationship situations whereas boys are told dolls are for girls and that men don’t cry. It teaches them to suppress their feelings and that’s not very healthy at all.
Also, I’m meeting the ex today! Kind of nervous/feeling weird about it. I just don’t know what to say.. and no, we haven’t been in communication at all. Just a few emails about practical matters and then about meeting up. But I’m really feeling quite distant from him. Like I’ve moved on. I’ve also just discovered Tinder, lol! And I’ve been having quite a bit of fun with it. I don’t want to meet anyone yet, but I have a lot of matches and it’s just nice to talk to new people and get to know them. And it’s good for the ol’ bruised ego of mine. I’ve also been busy with work and the weather is slowly getting nicer, so I’m feeling optimistic.
Any words of wisdom on how I should act with the ex? Optimistic and positive at first? And then talk about the relationship if I still have anything to say? Or keep cold and aloof throughout?
