Tommy32217

Hi all, 

Checking in. Quite a bit has happened since we left off. August 25th was when I started no contact. 

And I don’t need replies I guess but I did want to update since I received so much help here.

Since then I signed up for the EBP advanced course and did all the worksheets. I read the guide backwards and forwards 5 times and still reference it. 

And I focused deeply on myself. I have worked harder on myself then I ever have. I also made every effort not to obsess over my ex and realize I can live without her. 

I did not delete my social media, I hardly post anyway. I did however, never get sucked into. I also never went to or saw my ex’s pages or posts. I was being very serious about giving this my best shot and I knew social media could put a wrench in the works if I went and obsessed over her. 

I did update my profile picture to one of me fishing and having fun. 

I have been for 3 job interviews and received 3 offers. One I’ll be taking, I should have new career a little after the new year. This job I’ll be home. I won’t have to travel for weeks at a time like the past. I’ll be pursuing my masters now too. Which I always wanted to do but could not because of my continuous travelling. I want to do law so I have been studying for the LSAT. 

I’ve been to the gym everyday and I have been on a serious diet. I was never out of shape. But I would consider myself pretty built now, it’s certainly showing that I’ve been working hard.  I’m serious about my skincare, I think that’s showing. I got my teeth cleaned and Invisaligns. It will take a while to show but I’m on the road to improvement. 

I bought a nice house in a great area. And it’s not out of state, it’s just a town away. I sold a few of my project vehicles that were collecting dust. They made me happy, but I’m coming to terms with the fact it was the kid in my who wants them. And I need to be mature. 

I’ve been reading a lot. I read 6 or 7 books. On self improvement, confidence, and how to keep interesting conversation with people (I never felt so great at conversation and aired towards shyness). I also read books that I found interesting to myself so I didn’t let self improvement completely consume me. Books on cars and what not. 

I went on a dating site. In the beginning it was too much and I couldn’t handle it at all and stayed off it for a while. I went back, eased into it. It still wasn’t easy in some ways but I was definitely improving. Had some good conversations with some nice women. I went on a date with a very pretty woman too, one I still talk to on occasion, but honestly she doesn’t hold my interest. That all went well, I’d consider myself to have made great strides. 

In the end, I still feel I want my ex back. I have a clearer outlook. I don’t need her back. I can be happy without her. But I still feel I want to pursue her.

So I was going to go forward with contacting her.

2 months no contact fell on October 25th. I was away at work and figured my best bet was to extend no contact a little further and make it end a few days after I got home. I got home November 4th, but I oddly felt not ready to make contact, despite longing for the day. I waited a few more days and still didn’t feel ready. I was excited and didn’t want to make a fool of myself.

By the time I felt ready enough it was November 16th. Last week. Effectively more than 2.5 months no contact. I messaged her telling her how I went to the aquarium and the penguins wouldn’t show their faces this time, and asked how she had been. (One of our favorite dates was the aquarium, it was a fond memory for both of us, when we went, the penguins flocked to her out of their hiding spots).

I received a really positive response. She joked with me it’s because she wasnt there. Said she was doing well, told me school and work was busy and asked how I was.

I made some jokes back which she liked. Told her I was great and had a lot going on too, too much to talk about completely at the moment, but a lot of new.

She was glad I was doing well and asked what was new with my life. I kept the bigger stuff out. Just told her I was studying a lot and had some interviews and sold some cars. No mention about taking a new job or the new house or “new” me.

We joked more about studying and stress. She seemed to be starting to put up her guard a little and got a touch colder. Maybe she caught herself enjoying the conversation, I’m not sure. So i told her I had to go on a long drive and was running off. She wished me a safe drive.

Somewhat useless details I know.

But,
Now I’m here. It’s been a week. I want to connect more. I have a feeling she won’t ever be the one to initiate conversations really, and I’m not sure why, I have ideas but they make no difference to the outcome. And I don’t want to be the nag. I’m easing into it and seeing how she reacts. I’ll be walking a fine line and not pushing to give the wrong idea. I really do just want to be friends first with her. But friends that talk.

I guess there is no advice to really give or advice I’m looking for in particular. I welcome any outsider observations in case I’m doing something wrong.

Mostly just wanted to say hi and thank you. Still trying here, still want my ex haha. Hopefully she gets comfortable to talk some more. Relationship in the future or not, I would value her friendship.

@mr_the_ex

I appreciate your input and the fact you read through all of that. It’s quite the read and I thank you for that sir. I also was looking for all the input, right or wrong, we don’t know, that’s why I put this story out there.

But it’s probably without surprise we will not agree here. And to “argue”, so to say, would be to spin our wheels I suppose. So I won’t argue because I do respect your opinion and asked for it, but I personally believe that is not a good assessment of the situation. But to throw it out the window simply because I don’t agree would be foolish. Like I said, we don’t know and probably won’t actually ever.

I have my reasons for my personal belief, based on facts, intuition and experience. Easy for the guy with his heart in it to say huh? I know my opinion is skewed.

Thank you for the well wishes and your perspective.

I will leave off by saying this. Even if she’s totally wrong for me, and I for her. I do not feel we had a fair shot at relationship, in many ways it was in it’s infancy. It was too early to tell where it was going for us, but it was going well so far. So, if the chance comes to be with her again, I’m taking it.

And that might end in a mess, it might end in worse heartbreak, it might just not work, we might be the worse thing for each other. But at least then I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be. Because if given the chance, and I don’t take it, I know I’ll forever question it. And I don’t mind risking my heart again for someone, even if I fall out of love by then, I’ll know it was once there, and I’ll know it might come back and can be better than ever. It’s something I can’t afford not to explore.

But if it does end bad, you can definitely say “I told you so”.

Thanks again.

@patricia12

Yes only weeks. You are beyond right, it should have been long before that. It went like this:

Me being gun-shy and lacking confidence, biggest problem, not an excuse, a problem. I felt the want to say it while we were out one night, didn’t say it. I only had a week to go before leaving again and I told myself “You’re sure, but she will really be sure once you get back from work”. So 5 weeks passed. I got home, I said it, she said it back and that moment, although later than it should have been, was very special to me.

I’m glad you don’t believe it triggered that, that is a relief for me.

I agree intimacy is an important part of it. I have had relationships in the past that we were fooling ourselves to think it was more than that, and I had relationships that were a decent balance but not much compatibility. But this one was the other extreme of course. It just all added up: past relationship failures and trying a new approach, fear of being pushy since she walked from guys in the past for that(what never was present enough in my mind, due to my own lack of confidence, was that I was way beyond that guy in connection level), the thought of ruining the relationship that was so so good so far(thinking more would probably told me it have been a great help), and being away so much and never settling into a routine with her.

You didn’t get anything wrong. Her apartment was a 5.5 hour drive away. One I would gladly make. Every time I was coming home, during the summer, I had plans to visit her, but once she got word I was coming home, she took off from work and traveled home. I insisted she never had to, she would tell me “next time I won’t”, but I’d tell her I was coming home, and then I’d tell her I landed and was in safely and she would surprise me by telling me she as at home too. That happened twice where she purposely didn’t tell me she was coming home til she already was. It was cute, I didn’t mind, she wanted to see family too. We finally agreed that I would come visit her instead once I got back the next time, then I left and those things happened.

During the school year she and I mutually agreed school was important, visiting wasn’t off limits by any means but we just both made sure things weren’t a nightmare for her so we could actually enjoy the time together, and she had roommates during the year, not during the summer though.I did do a day trip just to see her and it was even earlier in the relationship, to the point it would have been too early.

I’m good at romantic, I had looked up a lot of different recipes to have dinner ready once she got back from work, planned on the flowers, while she was working I was going to fix the poor repair job some did on her ceiling and other little things I knew she would like. That was of course since I was going to visit her for a change once I got home.

So there was not an abundance of chances, but you are right there could have been more opportunities for me to make the move, I just would have had to push a little more. I’m not making excuses above, just lots of reasons I let life and the way things played out put things on hold, myself on hold, my fault. Lessons learned now.

As you probably saw from the beginning, and I’m learning through this discussion, lack of confidence and waiting in fear of screwing up is reoccuring. But now that I’m aware, that will be the old me. I am taking everything you tell me to heart and I will be damned if I ever make the same mistakes again.

In that sense we were bad for each other I guess. And I don’t mean bad as in can’t be overcome. It’s a large part of the reason I’m here I see. That is, that we both lack confidence in ourselves, though mine had growing quite a bit since actually being with her. Since I was amazed she was with me, I started to feel maybe there was a reason I was keeping her drawn to me. I’ll be working on confidence and I hope she is.

Hey I very, very much so appreciate a woman’s perspective. I really needed it and I’m glad I’m getting it and it’s all honest. I do wish I had a female friend going through these things to bounce stuff off of, not in a gossiping way, just really as a friend. Maybe I will find one. I’m taking notes and will make the right changes to me and my approaches.

In this case I hope she never loses the strong feelings!! A lot to ask for haha, I won’t bank on it but I will see her when the time is right. I just need to figure out that right time after no contact.

Thank you again Patricia.

@Nicholle

I hope so too! You are very sweet! I do think she would be lucky to have me because I was lucky to have her when I did and I know what those feelings would make me do for her, anything to make her life better. I’m not saying it can’t happen again with someone else, but the feelings just made my life make the most sense. I guess that’s what love is.

I’m hoping she will come back but I am not going to wait. Like I mentioned I need to identify the line between maintaining hope, and holding onto something I shouldn’t, that’s the challenge. The thought of waiting is awful. Hey if it was a guaranteed maybe, but unfortunately nothing ever truly is, especially a person’s feelings.

I’m working everyday to move forward, I’m not at the stage of thinking about someone better. It’s not that I’m not trying, I’ll get there I know.

Thank you for all your help and sweet words! I wish you the best as well!!