selacius

@patricia12 She most certainly did pull back. When we spoke of the house options for us in the future, she was very determined to have things a certain way. I spent days working on a budget that would allow for us to live comfortably. This was all met with resistance. In fact when we spoke of putting a downpayment on a house, it was always my buyout money that was being used. She never discussed putting anything in herself. Then during the break up she claims that I was not on the same page as her regarding the relationship. I was willing to put so much skin in the game, and I was constantly trying to find ways to make things work.

She had two previous relationships, not marriages. Her most recent relationship with her daughter’s dad, he was very manipulative and narcissistic. She ended up developing PTSD and seeking mental help for a while afterwards.

I wanted to introduce my ex-girlfriend to my children, however my ex-wife was extremely resistant to the idea. I reside in Ontario, Canada so during the pandemic and lockdown, we were restricted to 5 people from the same household. My parents were extremely afraid of being potentially exposed.

Tyler

Hi Patricia,
I am the biological father of the 3 kids from my former marriage. My ex-gf has 2 kids from her past two relationships.
I am no longer initiating contact with her. We still have a joint asset we need to resolve (we purchased a pop up trailer together, and i need to remove my tools from it). She needs to tell.me the date and time for pickup. It will be a very quiet meeting, with the focus to get my tools and nothing more.
I am hoping that with time her bad memories of me fade.

Tonight I had an epiphany that maybe I dodged a bullet. She pulled back when she realized that the life we spoke about may not be realistic. However, we had a lot of unknowns to deal with and we were many months away from even pursuing that life. If she pulled back due to that, it makes me wonder when/what else she may have pulled back on as well.

Hi Patricia,
Thanks again. Regarding my marriage, the last 2 years it was very non-emotional and we were ultimately living like roommates. My ex-wife was very narcissistic and berated me constantly for many different issues. I finally hit a point in time where I decided enough was enough when she forcibly pushed me out of the house in front of the kids as I went to a 2nd store to purchase a baby shower card for her. We had tried marriage counselling for quite a while and nothing lasted or changed in that process. It was always just a bandage solution. Since I left, my ex has gone to her own individual therapy (something I had suggested but she refused) and has realized she had many issues.

My ex-girlfriend and I started to talk over social media (as I said, we were in the same area of the hospital, but different departments so we would converse at work) when I got thrown out of the house, and a week later is when I actually decided to separate. More specifically, it was at this juncture where I had the strength and realization that my marriage was incredibly toxic. After I left, we started to talk more and developed a very quick connection. We had very similar interests, ideals, the conversation was very smooth and nothing seemed like a sacrifice or a compromise to do things with her. She was initially very reserved and hesitant of dating as she was worried I would go back to my ex-wife and that she would develop all these feelings and then get hurt. At the time, and still to do this day I am on the same page as she was. I wanted a future with her, and I wanted to spend time with her. She was very independent (having been single for a long while), and I was the first person she had in quite a while who had her back and showed her romance.

I’ve done some reflecting and realized that my controlling tendencies started to creep forward when we had our bubble burst and my ex-gf pulled back a bit. We had started talking about housing, and what we would need for the kids. All the while I was still being delayed with lawyers and not making any headway on that. We went out to a new build subdivision to get an idea of cost, and it was after this when we did our budget, that we realized, due to the costs I would have to be paying out, it may not be realistic for us to have the vision and life we had spoke about. She was also getting anxious about the unknowns regarding what was going on with my buyout/sale of the house, as I was. Along with my ADHD, I feel I have something called Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which basically caused me to go into a flight or fight response over a perceived threat to my relationship. This resulted in me trying to pull her closer, and instead of being confident with what we had and reassured by the subtle things she was providing me, I became controlling. I panicked when she wanted time with just her kids, or with her family. Unfortunately during the pandemic and quarantine, my hobby (which I hadn’t done in years due to my marriage and not be allowed my own time) was shut down so all I realistically had was work and spending time with my ex-gf.

I wasn’t going to send the elephant in the room message at this point in time. I was going to wait until the 30 days are up (Aug 30th, so just over 30 days, however her sons birthday is Sept. 1st). I want to spend time working on myself, continuing with my hobby and giving her the space for that ugly image of me to disappear.

I have the option of dropping the gift off at her work desk before she arrives for her shift. I don’t know if that would be too creepy, or if it’s best to have it sent via mail.

After I send the elephant in the room letter, should I continue with No Initiate No Contact and wait to see what she does? Or assess by her response how to proceed further?
Thank you

Hi Patricia,
Thank you for your response, regarding the engagement, our bond and connection really grew quite quickly. We started dating prior to the covid lockdowns and since we work at the same location (different areas however), we felt comfortable seeing each other outside of work as well. Things really flourished between us quite quickly, it was a very emotionally intense relationship.
After reading the Advanced EBP program, I see where I was starting to develop some control issues, I was anxious and worried that she would get tired of the delays with the divorce/separation (even though I was only 3 months into them), and I was also worried that her outlook on our future would change (we would be bringing 5 kids total into the relationship), when things got a bit more settled due to finances. I didn’t leave my marriage because of this girl, but she did allow me to have the inner strength to get out of the toxic situation. And I think I held onto her a little too much in that regards.
I started the relationship off very confident and secure, I wanted to have a future and a life with her, I did the small sweet things for her (Origami as I said), I would help her with things (she was a single mom of 2 for 4 years before we started dating, so she was very independent) and she was appreciative of that.
I mentioned I was going to attempt to be sweet again and drop off the origami for her, to show her what I was like, however after reading the AEBP I have fully decided against that. I am going to go No Contact with her.
You recommend actually taking the 6months to go No Contact. Because of the damage I caused, I am going to go Detox No Contact, and was considering sending her an Elephant in the Room message at 30 days and then going No Initiation No Contact for the remaining period of time. I don’t want her to continually have that bad image of me, and I thought maybe the elephant in the room message would clear that and plant a new seed which would grow with another round of No Contact.