Rinitan

Why is that @Sparky?

Hi guys, Idk if this is the place to share my back story (which turned out to be incredibly long and complicated? sorry about that ^^’)
or just my struggles with NC.. but since this is my first post i thought i should share my story as well..
well.. we have been dating for 5 years and it has been incredible .. we loved each other so much (i gotta admit he was more into this relationship than i was at first) but the more time we spent together the harder i fall in love with him and the more time i want to spend with him.. we have talked almost everyday during these five years.. i was difficult to get along with.. i took out my frustration and anger on him, i yelled at him over stupid things, and attacked his personality, i cheated on him and he forgave me.. but i still couldn’t appreciate him.. but i wasn’t a b!@# all the time, i mean i did love him sincerely and i think most of those years were happy times.. since he stuck around through this abuse.. (i sometimes used to threaten i would break up with him and he threatens to kill himself.. ofc both of us knew we couldn’t live without each other)..
we used to study in the same area but different faculties.. so we saw each other everyday.. but i graduated a over a year ago and he’s now in his final year.. ever since this year started, he had less and less time for me, and i understood that.. but .. even when i was in my final year i used to call him everyday for at least 10 minutes to ask about his day and just hear his voice.. (damn! i can’t get through this post without crying).. but he was way more busier than i was.. until i was kinda upset about that and on the phone i told him that you don’t call me as often..and that was it.. he just hung up and he never was the same after that day… i called him again and again and sent about 300 texts (no kidding) but he didn’t answer.. this went on for two weeks.. until i went over to his house and txted him that i won’t move until he spoke with me.. (i now realise that that was a terrible mistake) he agreed to meet with me in a coffee place.. and when i went there he acted as if nothing happened.. i asked him why he did that.. he told me i was sick and i need help..(he said i had bpd) i have heard that before and denied it.. now that i thought i might lose him i accepted what he said and i said i want to get better but he needs to help me.. he told me that he can’t help my unless i help myself and something about standing on my own feet and being happy for my own happiness.. honestly i just wanted him back at the time (august) so i just said i will do whatever it takes and i assumed that everything would be like normal while i work on myself.. but he got colder by the day.. and one day we made plans to meet up at college but his phone was off for a week so i didn’t get to confirm the time and date but i went anyway.. i called he didn’t answer.. i told him i was waiting for him at (…..) he said he can’t meet me today.. i told him it was now or never, he said don’t force me to meet you.. and then i panicked and started sending him really crazy texts.. and he didn’t answer any of them.. ( i had other than him two friends one really close who told me two years ago that she was in love with him but she wasn’t going to do anything because he’s not available and because she loves me more) anyways she was very supportive during that time.. to some extent.. anyways.. i kept sending him texts like just asking how he was, and happy holidays etc.. and just random stuff but nothing obsessive.. his responses were sporadic, and very distant.. i tried to show him that i am really working hard on myself.. and i really was.. and he seemed to be coming around.. and we agreed to meet sometime soon.. we met at the mall .. and he felt like his old self.. he told me he loved me very much and he wants me to be happy and to find true happiness that shouldn’t be dependent on my being in a relationship with him ( i interpreted that as a way of gradually breaking up with me since he knows i will go insane without him… there were other “signs” that he didn’t want t future with me.. but i might have imagined those) anyway it was great it felt like we were finally back together until i call him on the phone and he doesn’t answer.. he said he doesn’t like talking on the phone and that it causes more trouble than it solves.. i kept calling him because that’s how things used to be.. we would talk each other to sleep, but his conversations were cold and brief.. that made me sadder and more confused.. i asked him to meet again and this time he came over to my house and it was the new version of him, the one that was indifferent to me.. i wanted to have sex with him but he said he didn’t think it was a good idea.. i felt rejected and cried a lot.. he didn’t even hold me.. or look at me with that love in his eyes.. only that empty stare.. *sigh* after that it went the same way.. i call him, he answers sometimes and is very brief on the phone.. i tried to be very positive and talked to him about things he liked.. but still it wasn’t like always.. i would sometimes mention that.. that he doesn’t love me like he used to.. and he would say “yes it’s a different kind of love right now.” and i would say ” what kind of love” he said ” you are like my family now, i love you with tremendous amounts, i just can’t express it the way you want me to” and i say “but you used to, you used to show me so much love i would actually worry how am i going to return it” he says nothing to that .. when i pester him about the subject again he says he is sure he won’t be in another relationship ever, but that doesn’t mean he will stay in this one.. and that a relationship is not something he “needs” to be happy and i should realise that too.. but i disagree what do you think ? .. anyways… after that we met and it was hard because he changed so much, i was prepping for weeks for what i am going to talk about. but to my shock when we were on the date he actually said at one point that what i was talking about was boring him.. and he went back very early saying that we don’t need to stay together for that long ( we used to stay out very late and wonder when did the time fly by) but this time he was always checking his clock.. after that day i was talking to my friend about this and she sent me a screencap of their conversations on whatsapp.. he didn’t even tell me he had whatsapp.. i felt so betrayed and asked her to send me their entire conversation.. she weaseled out of it and i felt that their conversation was warm and quite a lot compared to our recent conversations.. he seemed to enjoy it “from what i saw” i never spoke with her again, then i remembered that my other friend actually was in love with him so i asked her if she talks to him on whatsapp too and she said she didn’t want to answer.. at that moment i sank into a bottomless hole and felt my whole world crumble.. i called him and told him about what happened between tears and he told me to sleep now and that he will call me in the morning to talk about it, but he never did.. i txted him and he said he didn’t want to talk to me.. and then i found this site (two weeks ago) i sent him a message telling him i am going to stop contacting him because i wanted to work on myself ..”no answer ofc” .. and now it has been fourteen days.. not a day goes by that i don’t think of him or wish i had a time machine so i could act less like a child..
oh one more thing i forgot.. he has given me a puppy, but now where i live i can’t have a dog and i was given a deadline to get rid of it.. i told him about that (before that fated day) and he said ok bring her over.. now i don’t want to give her to anybody else because he said he wanted her, and because i want to see her again, but i don’t want to contact him about it, my mum called him to ask him when she could bring her over, his phone was off she texted him saying “hi i called you to ask you when it would be okay to bring the dog over” the message didn’t reach him.. because his phone is still off.. now i have to give her away.. do you think that my mum shouldn’t have contacted him ? ( when his phone is switched on he’s going to see missed calls and probably a text) i wonder if changed his phone number, what do i do after NC is over, and how long do you guys think i should keep up the NC?
anyways i apologise again for the ridiculously long post, but as i have stated, i don’t even have friends to discuss this about.. thanks for listening/reading.. etc ^^ i would appreciate any thoughts ^-^