PJ

That’s the way ..NC!! and be aloof on Saturday if you can’t avoid him . Try not to socialise with him too much then either ..us fellas are suckers for a chase , so make him work for you …you don’t want a lifetime of obeying ‘his terms’ do you ??

Hi folks

@confusedbutok

@Nell
@Phoenix

@Martin
et al
I don’t know if this is going to be any consolation but in just a week of reading your posts , you are all starting to seem just a little bit calmer and less stressed . It’s giving me a degree of comfort especially when I have a blip . It’s reassuring to acknowledge that though we’re all individual with differing situations that our subliminal selves are pushing through . We are all going to come out of this ok in the end . We’re going to carry the odd emotional scar or bruise but we’ll have learned a lot and in the end probably be better people for it . Shoulders back , heads up ! Thanks for your support even if you didn’t realise you were providing it 🙂

Thanks Nell 🙂 Hang in there girl ! Don’t waste your time sending him an angry message ..you’ll only wind yourself up ! I went thru that phase , still have moments , but I stuck to a 24 HR rule .. write it down if it helps you get it off your chest , but stick it in your drafts. If you still feel the same 24 hrs later ( you won’t ) then so be it . But before you do , imagine your ex laughing at it and showing their friends ( not that they would) but just imagine it ! You’re feeding their ego and showing your vulnerability! We’re better than that aren’t we ?!!!

This website is brilliant and provided a great deal of clarity . My own view is that this is not about getting your ex back , this is about getting your life back and giving yourself enough time to see things differently . Trust me , I am not about to trivialise what we go through . The emotional ‘sickness’ I have been through these past few months has been pretty awful . The 30 day NC is fantastic , it gave me a milestone to reach that I don’t think I would have been able to hit ..if you don’t have a target , where do you aim ? Anyway , by the time I’d hit 30 days I’d gone through all the expected emotions ..anger , grief , resentment etcetera . but found myself much more capable to look at the situation calmly . My heart goes out to anybody who’s ex dumped them or of the blue, but really?… I think we victims probably did see some of it coming , or at least knew the relationship wasn’t running as smooth as it could ..the 30 days gave me time to hold a mirror upto myself and be honest with myself . Was my relationship as good as it should have been ? Was I honestly putting up with things just to keep things going because the alternative was too horrible to consider ? By the time 30 days ticked around ,the dust had settled and the ‘learned behaviour ‘ traits had eased . Yeah , sure I missed her and all the good things we did . But were they all that good ? Was I putting a ‘photo shop’ image over situations , and I found I was . I realised that I had been tolerating behaviour that I shoukdnt have..and for too long . Do I still love my ex ? Yep ..do I still care ? Yep . Do I really want the relationship back as it was when we broke up ? NO . I had been acquiescing and walking on egg shells if I’m truly honest ..I had become someone I wasn’t . I found that after my NC period that I did still want to contact my ex , and it was really really daunting . But …I wanted to contact her for closure ..at least for now . I followed the rules , and I sent a buoyant text , NOT NEEDY, at not too long either . Just a ‘Hi’ , an interesting common topic and a welfare check . Well , I did get an answer , and thankfully in a similar vein to mine . STRIKE 1 !! She ‘engaged’ and it was clear she had been dying to hear from me . So here’s where you have to be careful .. you can run too fast and drop into who you used to be , maybe throw in some I miss you rubbish ..DONT !! I kept it short and light and also closed it with ” anyway glad you’re ok , take care ‘ to emphasise that I didn’t need to prolong the correspondence or NEED HER !! …a delayed response came back but displayed a degree of uncertainty and intrigue . I WAS BACK IN THE DRIVING SEAT . I could imagine her thinking ” Er !?? He doesn’t need me ??!!!” And the truth is , I don’t . Not how she was … as I’ve said , I still love that girl immensely but I’m not prepared to fall back in line . The 30 days has been fantastic to get out of some terrible ‘needy’ bad habits and become myself again . I don’t intend to text again or contact her for a while … not because I want to play games , just because I need to make it clear that I am not her ‘toy’ . I’m glad I did make contact because at least I know that there is no animosity between us and there shouldn’t be too much awkwardness if we cross paths . In a way we have sort of acknowledged that we meant something to each other by texting but there has also been a line drawn in the sand in that I wont bow to her whim. Who knows what the future holds .. there may be reconciliation at some stage , the intro is there to work with . But in truth I have regained clarity and my self worth has started to return . For now , I don’t want it , I can almost see that there was a degree of inevitability about our break up …I just didn’t want to accept it . But folks , seriously …give yourself 30 days minimum , it’s surpring how you feel afterwards . Remember, you need a target to start with so try it . Fantastic website , thank you for all the tips and tradecraft . Be strong folks , love yourself !