Nedim

@Andi

I’ve just arrived home and I have to prepare for tomorrow for the gamer event, so just a quick update (I’ve just realized that posting here is just like writing a diary 😀
Actually, this day nothing new happened except some little things.
I got to know that I’ll miss a good party tomorrow because of that event 🙁
And I received a snapchat picture from my ex again. It was just a regular picture of her in her room with a text saying “oh, these good relaxing friday afternoons!”. Well, it was a very common picture, but she didn’t use to send pictures like that, only very rarely. Of course, she sent pictures in which she was present, but not like these typical girlish stuff. And why the hell does she send these to me? I’ve said that there was a period when she didn’t do that, but now it started again. I don’t know if there’s any connection or just a coincidence, but she sends these since I’ve changed my profile picture.
She looked weird at the picture. I don’t know how to explain that. It may sounds silly but it felt like I saw it in her eyes that she’s not the same who girl I loved.
What’s more, her behavior was strange yesterday too, when an other trailer was released from the video. She was not that aggressive like some days ago, but still she acted negatively.

@Andi

I’m glad to see you again! 😀
Sorry for starting my post with this but… I’ve told you that anything could happen! 😀
Huh. That was a really long post for sure! 😀
I don’t know where to begin. You had busy days! It must have been emotionally exhausting.
At least your ex is attracted to you physically. For me, I had to beg for the last kiss, and also for a hug. Maybe the last kiss was not the right decision but I was totally mad when the break up happened. I’m not sure if I have told it or not, but on that terrifying last night, when she went to have a shower, I managed to unlock her phone, and I found this message: “I want to hug him, I want to cuddling with him, I want to feel him close to me, but I don’t find him attractive”. She wrote this to her best friend (she is a girl). Since the break up, I’ve realized some thing, but this message is still a mystery. Of course, the meaning is obvious, but it bring up so many questions. Why did she lose physical attraction? Is it because she also lost emotional attraction? Or she lost mental attraction because of losing physical? I doubt the last one, because you know that we were almost dating when we did not even see each other. So the emotional bond was sooo strong, but… Eh, too many questions, as I’ve said 😐

Those message quotes at the end are very familiar to me, unfortunately. I’ve got same thoughts from my ex. I was so naive when I believed that it’s just a temporary thing and everything will be better. It would have been great to realize things in time.
“I feel like I don’t miss you like I did”, “I’m really afraid”, “Is everything okay with us?”, “We talk less and less”, “I want to be alone”, “I just don’t walk to talk with you right now”. I’ve got these. I write them from my mind, as I remember them, because I don’t have nerves to read back them, but basically, they’re almost the same that you wrote.

Ouch. I understand why the NC thing bothers you so much. But according to my theory, she missed you when you were talking because you had NC. If there was no NC, just constant talking, she wouldn’t have missed you. But it’s just my idea, it seems to be logical. And as you’ve said, the other aim of NC is improving yourself.
Relationships are hard. Long distance relationships are even harder! And more complicated. It’s really hard to tell what can be right or wrong in an LDR, which can be exactly the opposite in a normal relationship.

It’s good to see that some things came clear in your case. However, it also got harder as I see. Mainly because of the London thing. When is your ex going to London?
And what are your plans? I would never wish anyone to be in a situation like that. It’s like you have to compete. If you decide to take this “competition”, remember to try to be seen as invulnerable. I know what happened between you and her on the weekend, and you really want to get back her right now, but remember not to show it. She will consider you weak. You’ll have to preserve a state in which she knows that you’re okay with getting back and you would be happy about it, but she also has to know that you could live happily without her (even if it’s not true, of course!).

Concerning the boy friends of a girl… My ex has a lot of boy friends as well. So it’s really hard to tell what she wants from a boy.
And to be honest, I was often jealous, but I tried not to show it. Very rarely, when I said something, she became furious and asked “how the hell can I think that she does something with an other guy?”.
Once when I said that a friend of mine – who is a girl – will travel with me by train to the capital, she became extremely jealous. She wrote things like “go with her, don’t care about me”, “she must be better than me”, etc. I was like “What the hell?!”. Actually, I was travelling to the capital to meet with her!!! The other girl was just a friend of mine and I heard that she also goes to the capital, so we decided to go with the same train to have a good company during the 2,5 hours long journey. Later she calmed down, but… It was weird. And actually, it was one of our biggest fight – and as I’ve mentioned, we didn’t fight a lot.

In the last days I was very busy too, I’ve collected the happenings in document, so… storytime! 😀 Today’s happenings are also included.

Monday:

So today, I’ve changed my profile picture on Facebook. I’ve got really good feedback! 😀 Lot of people said how they like my style, and complimented my look. It feels so good ^_^
It was also a topic on the group chat. I know, I broke the NC, but I can’t ignore a conversation where people are talking about me and my new changes. A lot of people were online, and all of them said something good – but my ex was online too! It was pretty awkward. I mean, for her, not for me. People were sending messages how good is my new look, and she was just… just there. She wrote nothing during this, we just saw her name at the bottom of the chatbox where facebook indicates who has seen the latest message.
However, the most awkward part: once she came out of the blue, and send 4-5 messages about that the singer of the band that she saw on the concert applied her Friend request on Facebook. There was no reaction for it, then she wrote “okay I go back to learn”, and the conversation continued – about me. I don’t know what she felt but it seemed to be really awkward.
And of course, maybe it’s obvious that she didn’t like my profile picture. Breaking news: she liked it while I was typing this post. I don’t know why she did it, but it must be a conscious act. I’m sure that she saw the picture before!

A cute story from Sunday came to my mind:
We had a plush raccoon with us. Actually, it’s mine, I’ve got it from my ex for Christmas. The raccoon is the “symbol” of the group 😀 So I took it to the filming to make some fun scenes with it.
We went into a fast food restaurant, and as we were waiting in the queue, the girl (you know who, I’ve mentioned sooo many times :D) held it in her arms. Once a little girl, who stood in front of us in the queue with her mother, looked onto us, and examined the raccoon. Then she asked “is it real, or a toy”? The girl beside me replied slightly laughing that “It’s a toy. Do you want to pet it?”. The little girl replied “no”.
Few moments later, her next question was: “Is it a memory?”. The girl next to me looked at me, and started to smile. I smiled back, then she said to the little girl that “yes, it’s a memory”. The little girl then said “I have a memory too. Do you want me to show it?”. But her mother then told her off because of speaking to strangers.
It was kind of heart-warming. And strange! 🙂

Tuesday: Day without events. But once my ex was fierce with me. She told me off because the webpage does not seem to develop, but still I’m telling off everyone because of the articles. The fact that the webpage hasn’t developed for a little time is true. But first, I’ve never told anyone off because of the articles. I just asked them gently how is the article doing and when will they send it. I did not even hurry them. Second thing is that I’m not doing this since I’m not working on the page!
Actually, instead of the page I worked on the video, but it was a secret project, until…

Wednesday: … until today. I’ve just released the trailer for the video. It got positive feedback overall, but I did not hear anything about me. I don’t know it’s because there’s everything fine with me and there’s nothing special to emphasize, or I’m too bad to write anything about me. There were a few comments about the other guys, but just like: the raccoon on the head of the girl was really funny, when the guy said that and that he looked like a pedo etc.
I think I’ll ask some people about me in the video.
Today I’ve also got a challenging task: I have to write the “farewell speech” for the graduates, and I also have to read it out at the school-leaving ceremony! And I’m not kind of person who takes a participation like that so easily in front of hundreds of students and dozens of teachers 😀 But I think I’ll accept it. I have to do things that I haven’t done before.

Huh. That was a long one for me as well! 😀
Waiting to hear about your new plans! 🙂

Sorry, I was a little tired yesterday when I wrote my post ><

I’ll definitely do the strict NC after the filming. I won’t have time, so it will be forced on me anyway 😀 I would do NC quite easily. Except the “she has an idea” thing we haven’t talked to each other for 2 or 3 weeks (and before that 2-3 weeks we had a very short conversation too). So it’s going well – in private. But there’s the group chat. She likes the people there, and I like them even more. Some of them are like my second family, they helped me through hard times, they stood beside me in good and bad, and I talk with them constantly (not literally, but quite often) for 4 years. Of course not with all of them, because there are newer members, so… Oh, actually, my ex is the newest member 😀 So basically, it would be quite hard to not to talk with them just because of my ex. However, I try to ignore her as much as possible, and do not to talk with especially her in the group chat.
Today I read back the messages with my ex until the break up. I’m surprised how much did we talked comparing to how much do we talk nowadays. Not that much, but there was some messages in a daily level (those awkward talks that I mentioned in the very beginning of this topic). But always she was the one who texted me. Now she doesn’t text me, and I do neither.
I’ve also found out that in the very early messages following the break up we talked about how do we feel about it. The last “report” was 4 days after the break up. She said that she’s getting better, and I said that I’m getting better as well (of course, I lied, but I don’t know whether she told the truth or not). After that, we started to talk less and less: awkward talks came for a month, and now in this second month, we don’t talk at all in private.
So, to sum up, I’ll have a strict NC from the filming to the interviews. I’ll have a lot to learn during that time, and I’ll also have to make the final video, and the final of the writing competition is coming too, so I have to write too. Whatever I’ll do, I somehow try to show my ex how busy am I and how good I feel (of course, without talking to her ( with Facebook pictures, Snapnat, etc.))

So, yeah, tomorrow… The day that I’v been waiting for since the break up. My “big day”. Before the filming I’ll also meet up with my sister who lives there, in the capital. I haven’t seen her since the wedding, which… You know what happened 2 days right before it. And you also know her hope-giving story!
So it will be good to be with her with not a broken heart this time.
(The filming will be at 2 PM)
Tomorrow will be the day when it turns out how I really changed: my real and very best friends (and of course my sister) will see the “New Me” for the first time. And after the video is made, my ex will also see it. There are some things that I couldn’t do unfortunately, there’s some that I should have done, but… That’s it. That’s the New Me, and I have to be happy with what I’ve got 😀

Thank you for your support! 🙂
Looking forward your new update. I’m curious how things finally turned out in your case 😀
See you next time!

@Andi

Aaaand it hasn’t stopped! 🙁 More tests were announced for the next week. The point when I had the “please kill me” feeling was the one when the teacher announced the history chapter test for Monday – right after the filming! And history is the class that I learn on advanced level, so for a chapter test I have to learn like a whole notebook. Ahhgr. It really gets on my nerves!
And I’m also worrying about the filming, especially, because of the weather. Very strong wind and low temperature is forecasted (and we want to do it in a park).
And as I’ve said, I’m also uncertain about more and more things.
Times are so hard now. I can only hope that 1-2 weeks later everything will be fine.

The situation of the girl you’ve mentioned and her ex is familiar to me: the girl that I’ve talked about had/have a similar problem. She was only together with her ex for 5 months, but she’s still suffering. Her ex’s new girlfriend is one of her own friend. She said that I helped her a lot when I talked to her about my own break up. However, the plot twist comes: she was the one who broke up! Pretty strange. But at least, I know from her that a break up is really hard for each half – it might be even harder for the person who did it.
If you want to develop a closer relationship with her – even if it’s just friendship – I think you should help her if you can. If you get back together with your ex, you don’t have to cut contact with her: you’ll be in love with your ex (well, at least, this is what we hope). You may find her attractive, but the love towards your ex will be strongly dominating over you. So, if she doesn’t want more than friendship all the way, and you enjoy her company, you can be friends in my opinion. In this case, you’ll have a girl friend with who you can talk about possible issues and concerns in your future relationship.
Actually, you’re in the best possible position right now, if you would be okay with both cases: getting back together or stay single. You won’t feel the risk when you meet with her, so you’ll be able to act more free, and there’s no wrong way for you. That will give you confidence, that she’ll see. Try to keep this situation. But be aware, you don’t know what feelings will she ignite in you when you meet!

My ex wrote some usual thing to the group chat. She didn’t say anything about the concert. And she didn’t write that idea to me.
She is going to an other concert on Saturday – but this time, with THAT boy.
Today I’ve also tried out something new. We had some gap lessons in school, so we went out to drink. Actually, I’ve became a little bit drunk 😀 But really just a little bit. It’s still a big word because it’s very rare that I’m drunk. It was kind of fun to go to the last literature class after it 😀

Beside my concerns that have already existed, there’s one more thing I have to think about. This question came to my mind: Do I really want to get her back? I mean: HER, who she is really, and not the girl who I want her to be. I’m definitely not saying that I don’t want to get her back, but after 2 months things are coming clear. Lot of time has passed, I’ve changed a lot, my feelings have changed… I don’t know. I’m really uncertain. However, I still can’t imagine the future without her. My sister’s story comes to my mind over and over.

Oh, how fast time has passed :O The day after tomorrow will be 18th. Are you getting excited? 😀 What about the preparations? 😀

@Andi

Sorry, I had absolutely no time today, so only a very short post is coming about some problems with my case. Anyway, tell me if something new happened to you! 🙂

So, I’ve noticed three bad news.
My ex is going to a concert tonight, with a boy – but he is not the boy she speaks about several times. Even when we were just friends, she mentioned that she has a lot of boy friends, so I can understand that, but meh… It’s a bad feeling tho.
The next one is not that bad, it could have been much worse: the filming was postponed again. Fortunately, this time only by one day, so it will be on 19th (mainly because of the weather).
The third bad piece of news are the huge amount of tasks. In the next one or two weeks I’ll have a lot of chapter tests at school and I will have to give a lot of presentations. These things will make my work harder, I’ll have less time for the video and for the interviews (for the writing competition not, writing is always the first, even when I have to learn a lot).

Actually, as the date of the filming is getting closer, I’m worrying more about how my friends will welcome my changes. On the following weeks, at the filming and at the gamer event, I’ll meet with my closest friends. But I know that I can’t undo my changes, because if I did it, all those changes would be useless.
The girl that helped me a lot will be there both places. She will give me a lot of strength I think.

Have a nice day… or evening… or morning… or whenever you’ll read that 😀 Anyway, I’m looking forward your update! 🙂

@Andi

Actually, it’s good that you wrote, even from phone 😀 And it’s also understandable.

Wow! Two girls? 😀 It seems that life is going well for you! (I hope there’s a saying like that in english :D)
You don’t have to tell her anything about your ex if you don’t want to, and your relationship with her is not so personal. You just want to have fun with her, and if nothing more happens, you don’t have to tell her personal things. And what’s more, it’s also good for you if you don’t talk about your ex. People will think that you’re not over her if you mention her too much. Of course, this webpage is an exception 😀
Do you know anything about how your ex changed? Or do you have any expectations for 18th?
Until 18th, I recommend you to prepare yourself for both cases: getting back together, or drifting apart more. Both could happen. The aim is obviously the first one, and personally, I think you have chances, but you have to be happy even if you don’t get her back. According to what you’ve written, you’re some kind of prepared, but you know… It’s not the same when you can hope for something, and when you don’t even have the hope.

To be honest, I’m in a really strange situation. I think I don’t love her like I did. But when something happen, for example, she mentions that boy, some kind of fear appears in me. And I have a need to get her back, even if I’m not in love with her now. I don’t know how to explain, but it’s like… I want to be in love with her again. To be exact: I want the “New Me” to be in love with the “New Her”. Maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m crazy, but this is what I feel.
And you weren’t rude. Honesty sometimes hurts, but I would be always honest, even if it’s cruel. 🙂

I could say names, but only hungarian Youtubers will be there, so… I don’t really think you know any of them 😀 But they’re famous enough to make interviews with them for our webpage.

Today, I was thinking about my changes. I’ve realized two things.
My ex said the following at the break up: “I don’t know. Everything is changing. People are changing. You’re changing. I’m changing too. And feelings are changing…”. At the current state of my mind I did not really realized what did she say, but now… What the hell? I did not change at all during the relationship. Except the period right after our first meeting, when I was like “oh my god i have a girlfriend”, and some kind of euphoric feeling ruled over me. But in the next 6-7 months… Absolutely nothing. I stayed the same. So I don’t know why did she said that. But of course, it’s a huge problem that I haven’t changed. I thought I was in safe, and I don’t have to.
But looking at her… During the relationship, she changed. Not that much, but she changed. But I loved all these changes. I only changed some months before she came into my life. I had a really positive period in my life at that time (it was approximately more than 1 year ago), a lot of good things happened to me. And I was also in love, with the girl I’ve mentioned several times before. I knew that I was not good enough for her, so… I tried to win her attention, and I started to change. It’s funny. Last time I changed for her, and now she helps me to change 😀 It’s also funny that both of my two “big-changing-periods” were because of girls 😀 Of course, back in time, the good happenings motivated me to change, and now, it’s the role of the break up.
The other thing that came to my mind, is that I must always change. It’s not just a period when I have to, and I can’t finalize my changes – because I always have to change and improve myself somehow. Otherwise, whoever will be my next partner, she will find me boring after a time. And it’s not only true for partners.
And of course, it’s not only true for my situation, anyone can have the same issue, and everybody should improve himself as much as he can to give the very best, not boring himself to the special ones.

Good luck to for the new week as well! 🙂

@Andi

On the first day?! Oh… It’s kind of… quick 😀
Inform me what will be your final decision about sleeping with that girl! 🙂
A suggestion for the meeting: You’ve mentioned some question that you want to ask from her. Actually, you can think about and learn some topic ideas to talk about. It wouldn’t be nice if the typical awkward silence appeared.
Be aware of being drunk with her. She is in a really strange place at your life now, and you shouldn’t do silly, stupid things with her that you’ll regret. But of course, for fun, it’s okay 😀

My ex played Borderlands (I don’t know which episode). When she was at my place, we played Minecraft, Sims… so something which is more favorable for girls too.
I think that she wants to change as well. And I don’t want to be egoist, but it seems that the only difference is that she is not as successful as me. The only real change is her hair color. The length of her hair doesn’t count, she wanted to cut it down when we were together too. She didn’t change her clothing habits neither, and she didn’t manage to lose weight. And the make-up on her… It looked very very weird.
But I still don’t know why she is trying to change: for me, for an other guy, or just in general.
It’s good that you’re some kind of over her. I’ve realized that I’m not in love with my ex anymore. Actually, I got used to the feeling of NC. I don’t feel a need to talk with her. On the other hand, I still check how long ago was she active on Facebook.
I don’t miss her. I only miss the relationship, and the girl who was beside me, not the girl who is she today. I hope it makes sense ><
I have ups and downs. Now, I’m definitely on an “up”, I think about her less, it hurts less, etc. But for example, one week ago it was definitely a “down”. I don’t know how long will it be changing. Even if it’s an up right now, I still want her back, and it’s still painful to recall what a beautiful couple we could have been.
Actually, it just came to my mind that we’ve survived quarter of the LDR part. One and a half year later we would live together in an apartment house in Budapest.

Hmm. The short term strict NC seems to be a great idea 😀 I’ll publish a teaser from the video right after the filming, and some days later, I’ll release the full length video. Fortunately, I’m the one who will edit the video, so I don’t have to wait for others, and I’ll also have a great excuse why I am not so active in the group chat 😀
I’ve just realized that an other great opportunity is coming exactly one week after the filming. On 25th, there will be a gamer event in Budapest (yeah, in Hungary, everything happens at Budapest, lol). There will be some famous youtubers there, and I think I’ll make an interview with them to our webpage 😀 My ex would be jealous as hell. She wants to be a journalist, so she said that she is going mad for these things, like making interviews, etc 😀 And also, this event provides a great program for me for that week.
About the interviews, I’m uncertain, but if i do that, and i do them well, it will be a really huge combo hit together with the film 😀

And oh… My ex was at my place 4 months ago, at New Year’s Eve. It was pretty long time ago, but I can still find hairbreadths in my bed from her 😀

I’ll finalize and discuss the plans for 18th with the others tomorrow. I’m really curious how things will happen on 18th for both of us! 🙂