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Ok, so since I last posted she’s been in touch to say she’d like to come and walk our dog at some point (he stayed with me). I told her I’m not ready to see her yet but that’s fine in the near future, and I hope that when I’m there we can have a neutral discussion with open minds to which she replied ‘yes, I’ll keep an open mind but please don’t get your hopes up.’
Would you recommend that prior to me seeing her and having this discussion when she comes to walk the dog, I contact her over the phone a few times to just talk generally and in a friendly manner? I don’t want to just meet up and have that discussion without having spiked her interest somewhat over the phone.
What worries me is that she says she’ll have an open mind, but saying it isn’t having one, it’s forcing one, right? She’s more likely to have an open mind if I’ve started reattraction over the phone prior to meeting, correct me if I’m wrong?
Thanks!
We live in a small town just outside of Manchester in the UK. Without sounding arrogant, when we were younger we always felt like we were both ‘bigger’ than the area that we live in and would find better opportunities elsewhere in the world. Canada seemed affordable (we were thinking Calgary) and safe, plus we both like the outdoors a lot so the hiking opportunities and the nature aspects appeal to us.
That said, we should have done it sooner but we were always taking trips elsewhere. In 2018 we did 22 US states in 5 weeks (California to New York via the south) which cost a lot of money. When we got home we debated between getting a mortgage and moving abroad, finally settling on moving abroad. Like I said, I thought we both wanted it, but I think she was going along with me more than she was communicating what she actually wanted which was an aspect of the breakup.
Having had a month to reflect though and think about things a lot while being isolated from friends and family, I realised that a mortgage and family in the UK with this woman would be just as good as a rented space in Canada for a few years and not only would I be content with it, I’d be perfectly happy. We’re both approaching 30, the move is something we should have done earlier in our 20s. Sadly, this is a realisation that may have come too late.
Yeah she definitely felt some relief when she went to her Dads, she said she felt more like herself. I didn’t take this personally, after the problems we’d been having towards the end and her keeping a lot bottled up (as did I) she was bound to feel like a weight have been lifted with some distance and a change of environment. I’m aware that this too could pass after she’s been there for a while – she’s staying on a camping bed in a tiny bedroom, not an ideal long term living situation.
We definitely should have shared more and we’ve since talked about that. I was blaming myself for the failings in the relationship quite hard because the root of them, I feel, was my weed dependency and everything else (laziness, complacency, lack of communication) stemmed from that, but she said she is baring some of the blame too because she should have raised the issues earlier rather than when it had got too late. The talks we had (prior to my silly begging) were productive, had I left it there we’d probably be closer to reconciliation but what’s done is done and I’m not blocked on anything so lines of communication are open for the future.
She actually rang me since your previous responded to tell me she’d sent some flowers for my Nan’s funeral tomorrow. We had a brief talk, just a friendly catch up, and I said it’d be nice to see you when we safely can to which she said ‘yeah, let’s see about that when lockdown ends.’ An indication that she’s not completely opposed to a serious talk in the future maybe? I’m aware I’ll need to be calm at this point, so if I’m not and lockdown has ended or eased I’ll hold off another week or two.
We’re in the UK at the moment and it’s probably going to be a few more weeks at least before we can safely meet up and have any further talks about the future. We could meet at a distance now but I’d rather wait it out a bit anyway after my behaviour so she has more space and time to heal.
We wouldn’t go to Canada if we reconciled. She didn’t fancy it in the end and said she would have preferred to get married and get a mortgage in the UK and start a family. This goes back to the lack of communication we were suffering from – she never told me this until we broke up, as far as I was concerned she was happy to move to Canada with me. I’m not going to do it on my own as it was an adventure for ‘us,’ I’m not overly keen on venturing out there alone. If we did reconcile it’d have to be slow at first, but if she, and I, felt like it was working then my priority would be house and wedding. It took the break up for me to realise that I don’t need a fancy life in a different country, I had everything I needed with her right here. She still has the ring – maybe she’ll put it on my finger in the future if all goes well haha.
Thank you for the positive responses Patricia 🙂 I’ll definitely be giving her a few more weeks and then hopefully we can have some positive talks over the phone before meeting in person and seeing what happens, how we both feel. 10 years is a long time and my parents have said give her time to miss you, let the bad stuff fade, there’s far more good in your relationship than bad and nothing that can be fixed (no physical/emotional abuse, cheating, nasty words being said pre or post-breakup) and once she’s healed a bit she’ll be more open to a reconciliation – here’s hoping!
All the best.
Hi Patricia, thanks for the response.
Yeah I smoked weed throughout the relationship but it’s over the past year – as the job misery got worse – that it got out of hand. It never bothered her prior to the past year, she even smoked it with me at times, but once it got out of control it started getting to her a bit more but honestly, I was being too selfish to change.
I want to make it clear when I say we talked about problems with friends I mean problems OUTSIDE of the relationship. Never discussed any problems the two of us had with each other (which were rarely brought up; again, we’re both guilty of closing ourselves off a bit). My reasoning for this is that I was struggling with my parents both being alcoholics and I didn’t want to burden her with that, but I now realise I should have been more open with her, and she should have been more so with me as well with issues affecting her outside of us.
We should have got engaged earlier, you’re right, but we didn’t and I can’t change that now. We were engaged though and the proposal was amazing (July 4th on a beach in Florida underneath a fireworks display – we’re from the UK) so I’m glad I waited for just the right moment to be honest.
We didn’t get a second car in the relationship because we were constantly travelling and over the past year had been saving for our move to Canada. It was never really a big issue as I used public transport for work and she drove, I barely even used the car to be honest, we’re fortunate to live in an area where a lot of necessities are within walking distance. Now that Canada isn’t happening I thought it’s a good time to get myself a car while I can afford one so I can stop using public transport for work when my office reopens after lockdown.
I’m honouring her request as we speak and yes, I apologised for my role in the breakup while begging, but I want to apologise for the begging itself because this was selfish and disrespectful, although I don’t want to do this until after no contact. Last time we spoke she told me she loves me and that she doesn’t hold my reaction to the breakup against me due to my Nan passing shortly afterwards and a wave of emotions hitting me all at once (thank you for the condolences), so maybe I don’t need to apologise for it? I’m unsure here.
I think there could be a chance for reconciliation – not until she’s had some space to heal though, space I should have given her straight away. What period of N.C. would you recommend? I was thinking 21 days followed by the apology for begging, then entering into limited contact via text a week later and building up from there slowly.
Thanks again
