lisaz

I’m in exactly your position right now. We were in a relationship for 4.5 years, loved together for 3. We’ve broken up twice in the last 10 months, most recently 2 months ago. Both times he broke up with me and I desperately didn’t want it. It was also because of serious flaws in my character that we broke up…things from my childhood that caused me to treat him in certain ways that he eventually got tired of. It took the first break up to realize that. But it took the second for me to face that I was still doing some of the same things. Like putting my needs ahead of his, not really listening to him, etc. He initiated the contact after we first broke up, but once he’d opened that door, I pushed for more and more, until I was pretty much living with him, only not. He wanted a break, and then to take things slowly, but I didn’t listen because it wasn’t what I wanted. I feel as you do, that this had to happen for me to learn from it and finally really and truly change. I also don’t think we are done. We still talk and I even spent the night before he left on a 3 week business trip…dinner and cuddling only. It’s like when he drops his guard, he shows his real feelings (like in the middle of the night when he reached for me and tangled his legs up with mine). But that doesn’t happen often. Most of the time he says he has a lot of uncertainty about us, isn’t sure anymore if I’m the right person for him, etc. This is despite the fact that he once loved me so much that it brought him to tears. But he says I hurt him too many times and he put up a wall with me. He doesn’t know if he can get it down. But he also won’t cut all ties with me. I asked him why and he said because I was a big part of his life and he doesn’t know what will happen. He says he’s not saying never, just not right now. We are in therapy together when he can, due to his travel schedule, and I am in therapy on my own as well. I know he’s kind of seeing/possibly hooking up with someone when he travels to LA. It’s not why we broke up the second time, I’m sure of it. Band reading Kevin’s articles about rebound relationships makes me think he’s not moving on as quickly as it would seem. I asked him about her and he said I’m making far more out of it than it is. But it still hurts like hell. I want to do no contact but so far I haven’t managed it. And we’ve talked about spending Christmas together…we have 5 kids between us. I don’t know for sure though, and that ball is in his court. It might be a terrible idea but I can’t face spending the holidays without him. Ok, this was far longer than I had intended but it feels good to have a place to vent, to people in the same or similar circumstances.