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Ellie,
This really isn’t going to be what you want to hear I’m afraid. I think you’re doing the right thing here, honestly. You can send the text if you want, but I don’t even know if he’s worth it. I think that makes him send you persuading counter texts/calls soon down the road which will make you second guess things. If you were to give in again, he will go right back to what he is doing now. Actions that make you unhappy.
I feel like if you really want you and him to ever have a chance of working out, you need to get over him as soon as possible. You need to detach yourself from the stress he is constantly putting on you. He needs time to realize that he lost the best girlfriend he will ever have.
Once you start to get over him, you will enjoy being single. You don’t have to devote so much time to worrying about him. You even said, life is too short to put into people who don’t seem to care about you. They literally do whatever they want, tell us what we want to hear to make us feel better, then repeat. I feel like in both of our situations, we have wasted enough time worrying about these type of people who do nothing to maintain a healthy relationship with us.
If he’s often not contacting you in 24 hour intervals, especially if his lifestyle doesn’t add up to something that busy, that would concern and hurt me too. It was a very rare occasion if the ex and I would ever go even 12 hours without some sort of communication.
I think he’s definitely aware of his actions. He acts like he wants to be together but doesn’t want to stop playing games. If things do take a turn for the worst, we’re always here for you.
I hope he messages you soon with some definitive apology.
I hear you. My ex is putting me through an unbelievable amount of games right now, trying to get me to chase her, even though I’ve ignored her for months. She’s pushing me away from ever wanting her back. That’s not healthy for neither a reconciliation or a relationship. I imagine thats why you feel the way you do.
In the scenario he doesn’t get back to you today, before you decide to break up with him, I think you need to be absolutely sure you won’t want him back. If you break up with him and change your mind down the road, you will have to start this cycle all over again.
No you’re not wrong. If you really feel the need to discuss things over with him, I’d do it. To do it without sounding nagging is the trick. It is important that you do your best and try taking a different approach than normal. Try not to make it seem like the past encounters. He may get defensive. If so, then make him understand you feel this talk is essential if things are going to work things out between you two. If he doesn’t respect that. There is something wrong with him. It could likely force you to accept this or leave him. You’re smart enough to know him, and the games he pulls, and I would myself be tired of going through that. If you want to talk to him now, I say do it.
At this point I’m sure they’ve dropped ily on each other by now. I’m glad you said that about her not caring about others feelings. It refreshed my memory of all the shady things she did during our relationship.
If he is a rebound I think she wants me to open contact with her so we can reconcile. Apparently she refuses to up and say what she wants. She just wants to toy with me intentionally or not. The way she’s been acting post break up would make me concerned to be back with her anyways. I’m starting to get worried however as to how many times she’s reached out to me via text and me keeping silent. I know it’s probably the best for us, but it’s also risking the chance of reconciliation. A risk I’ll have to live with I suppose. I just don’t know what is acceptable from her to break NC at this point.
I’m happy for you Ellie. Even though it doesn’t seem like you’re 100% sure about all of this, I’m glad its looking promising for you. You said earlier:
“Do I need him? No I just want him in my life.”
That’s important to remember. You’re happiness has to come first. You know you don’t necessarily need him in your life, he’s just someone you choose to spend it with.
I know things seem kind of weird right now and some of those break up feelings are still lurking, but deep down I believe this is what you want. I would try to put those negative feelings aside for now and try working on you and him. You seem confident that you want him in your life so do your best to not let old problems reoccur. Hopefully he does the same.
I don’t know if you should try to change anything just yet. I would just test it out for awhile and enjoy your time together. I would make this the deciding factor for him. Time to decide if you can live with specific things he does or if you can’t. If you come across something you can’t live with, bring it to his attention. When doing so, speak to him as calm as possible. Even if he starts raising his voice, try your best to keep your original tone of voice. If he tells you he will fix it, but his actions say otherwise. Its probably time to cut ties for good. Know your place. You’re an awesome girl. Anyone would be lucky to have you. If he’s not putting in effort this time, there is someone out there who will.
Good luck. 🙂
Get this, I just got done talking to one of my friends and they said she had posted a bunch of pictures of my dog on FB saying RIP. I haven’t talked to this girl in 3 months and she supposedly has a bf. Wth is going on? Imagine if you were the new bf. What would you think if your gf posted a bunch of pictures of her ex’s dog on her wall 3 months after the break up, more importantly, no contact what so ever?
I just wish she would send a text or come over to my house and tell me how she really feels. The prior text she sent last month seemed like a reconciliation text, however soon after that I had someone check and found she was still with the new bf then I had no desire to text her back. People are suggesting blocking her number. I wasn’t wanting to do that in case she came through eventually, but it’s looking like I may have to as my birthday is this weekend and I don’t want to be continually set back by these kind of texts.
It’s weird to me as I have a strong feeling she wants to be back together but she just doesn’t come out and say that. Instead she reaches out for any other possible reason. I also feel like she may just want me in her back pocket, as I was a very good boyfriend to her, and she’s not sure if she can do better or not.
I am also sorry you have to go through this. It’s a situation I don’t wish on anybody.
It sucks to have to be the one to make the final call. It can make you think for a split second that you’re the one giving up. Not saying you are doing this, but if you are don’t think like that because it’s not true. When you look at facts, you’re the one who has always been committed and he is the one who keeps leaving and coming back.
I am surprised he brought up talking a third time. Clearly he’s the one who has something to say. I’m also not sure as to what he’s trying to do with that.
I’m not familiar with how close you and his step mother are, but I would advise you to be careful as this may open some type of door. If the step mom consults him about you talking to her, especially about him, that may give him a slight ego boost and conflict with him visualizing losing you for good. Maybe his cousin would be a better option as you said she was your best friend? If you are concerned about his well-being and don’t think it’s will negatively impact your NC, then I say go for it regardless of step mom or cousin.
Even right now, I do know that you mean something to him. There’s a good chance he will see that you are everything to him at some point. The problem could be he sees this off and on which leads to these unhealthy cycles. It could be a matter of things though. I’m hoping in your situation that NC helps him accept his feelings for you and realize he can’t keep leaving and coming back. When he figures out that you’re not going to wait around on him, this will force him to figure it out what it is he wants. This is why I think NC is your best bet. For your your own health and to help him grow and search his feelings.
That is weird. Him and the friend have already seen the movie once. You two have plans to go see it, then he invites the friend to go with you two. Even weirder the friend and him already saw it together. Then he also counter offers to go see it a third time just the two of you. You’re not an idiot for thinking that. I agree that he should only be wanting to go out with you, and you only.
I think this might just be a personality issue honestly. He may just not want to upset his friend and say he can’t go. A people pleaser. I know if I was trying to get my ex back and my friend asked to come, I would tell my friend to screw off. He did go offer to see it with you again, just the two of you. Which indicates he does want you both to be alone, but maybe he’s just not good at rejecting people and is trying to compromise for the whole situation.
I would just take it for what it is. Maybe you should have something “come up” so just him and the friend go, then plan something else for just the two of you. It can’t be fun for him to see a movie 3 times in a row and you don’t want the friend to invite himself again if he loves the movie so darn much.
As long as you’re confident in yourself, then you’re doing the best thing you can do by staying NC. He needs to learn that he had things really good with you and that he lost an awesome girl in the process. I’m glad you didn’t sell out on that last text and you can read what he’s trying to do, because that will be important for you later when he attempts to reach out again.
That’s a very good point. I see exactly what you mean. If he’s going to attempt to reconcile he would give it more than 30 minutes time. I don’t feel like your thought process is wrong in anyway. Keep doing what you’re doing Ellie. You have a really good head on your shoulders.
“I just feel guilty for ignoring him because I love him enough to still respect him. But I just feel any form of contact or showing that I care is just going to give him the power once more.”
I had those same exactly guilty feeling, for a while too. That’s why I felt the need to address that in my last post. I eventually was able to accept not breaking NC was the best option for a healthy reconciliation and I can’t let this guilt make me second guess that anymore.
The text I received was one of those “what if” situations you were referring too earlier. I needed to remind myself consistently that if she thought I was the one, she would try harder. If what she sent was the best she can do I wouldn’t bet on the odds of us working out in the long run.
It’s important to me that I don’t waste any more time than I already have on her. She doesn’t seem to be trying to become a better person and learn from her mistakes. That’s the big thing. You have already invested so much time into this relationship. You want to make sure you nor him are returning just for nothing to change.
That doesn’t sound wrong at all. You’re not alone there. You and I have the same expectations from NC and as long as our intentions are goods there is nothing wrong about it.
I completely agree with the shock of him losing you is the best bet. I kinda figured he would reach out again at some point soon. I wasn’t expecting this soon. I also wasn’t expecting it to be something as lame as “Can we talk?”. I do want you to remember what we discussed about looking at what he’s selling and decide when/if you want to buy in. “Can we talk?” isn’t a good text to buy in on, but it does cause me to worry for you. Allow me to explain.
I want to share that about month ago, I was in a very similar position as you right now. My ex sent me a very convincing text that I was 50/50 on responding to. You’ve actually read my own thread about this already. I came to the conclusion that if she was single I would reply, but I refused to check her FB because I knew there were things which would set me back/make me weaker. I had a friend check for me instead and of course found out she was still with the guy.
I’m telling you this because the curiosity of me wanting to know her intentions regarding that text literally was driving me crazy for the next few weeks. I had this feeling of regret like I should of responded. I also got strong feelings that made me feel awful for ignoring her. Similar to how you felt after receiving this text. However, her still playing games between me and that guy really pissed me off so that is what kept me strong. Presently, I no longer regret not texting her back and was able to recover.
I’m in no way suggesting towards you breaking NC here, but I just wanted you to know that it literally dug at me for weeks where I was non stop thinking things like:
“Maybe I should of contacted her back.”
and
“Is it too late for me to find out if she really wanted to get back together?”
It came to the point where it might of been an overall less painful process for me to go LC in this situation. I sometimes think it wouldn’t of been a bad idea to send back something like “We can talk, but only if it’s in regards to reconciliation. Otherwise I’m not interested”. I feel this could work for you too. This way your ex would have to text back and say what his true intentions are, and if its not what you want to hear, you can go right back to NC. The only issue is it shows him that you would still consider getting back together, but it might be worth the risk if you’re afraid this “Can we talk?” is regarding you two getting back together.
All I’m saying is if you think its going to pick at you, like it did me for weeks, LC might not be a bad option here. The goal is for you to heal and its hard to do that when they are playing head games that make you question yourself everyday for awhile. If you could care less about him wanting to talk, by all means, stick to NC and see what he has up his sleeve next. The way he’s been going something more intense could be right around the corner. 🙂
He dumps you. Then makes a big deal out of not wishing him a happy birthday? He should of expected that. I wouldn’t be worried if he’s upset. If he is, its a good thing. If there were no feelings for you, he wouldn’t care about you not wishing him a happy birthday.
“This is only natural behavior of retaliation because I practically rejected him right?”
Bingo! In my experience, this action means something you did (cutting contact) hurt him. He probably knows you won’t answer to text at this point so he’s trying to non verbally send you a message. AKA trying to fool you into thinking he gives up, but what he’s really doing is thinking about you every other minute of the day hoping you will break NC first. Don’t take that the wrong way though. Girls and guys will both play that game at times. It doesn’t always mean they are ready to get back together. Its just satisfying for them to have the feeling of being wanted. You’re currently not giving him that feeling which scares him. He needs to go through this. You want him to be the one working for you so you know reconciliation is his idea too, not just yours. You’ve done more than your share of the work up to this point. You’re also doing an awesome job with NC. You said the longest you went without NC was a few weeks. If you stick it out for a month, it would be very interesting to see what kind of response/signs you get from him. It could also very well boost the entire process if you stick to doing you and stepping back into the dating world plan. Its very very very unlikely one month of NC will change his feelings for you. If anything it will help him detach any negative thoughts he currently has linked to you. However, if he sends you something tempting before one month, analyze it very carefully before you decide to break NC and attempt a reconciliation.
He will be worried he lost you. He’s probably partially to that point already, but depending on how much he cares and how stubborn he is I’m not sure if he will contact you or not. I can’t speak on behalf of all guys, but its obvious this guy cares about you and he would be absolutely crazy to let you get away.
Time might be the best thing for him to realize you’re the one. Seeing how he always pops up somewhere to talk you’re obviously on his mind, which is an awesome advantage. Unfortunately, it takes some people more time than others to realize the signs that are right in front of them. Honestly, entering the dating world can really help both of your causes. For you, it can be a distraction so it’s not always him on your mind and also remember word gets around pretty quick so maybe if he hears you’re talking to someone else it will trigger something. By all means he didn’t wait around on you when you two were broke up for 7 months, you shouldn’t have to either. If you two were amazing together, then he’s going to compare you with every girl he talks too. Just remember, don’t put a time-frame on NC. Take as much time as you need to feel better and break it when you feel appropriate. Preferably when he initiates and it is in regards to his feelings for you.
