keepsmegoing

This is going to sound creepy, but for the past two months, I have been lurking on these boards (my break-up was in late November) and I have mainly been following this thread and the stories of you three. I never felt compelled to make an account or share my own story because just reading other people’s posts made me realize that I wasn’t going through this alone. But I sort of feel compelled to make a post right now because I see that Belle and Atea are kind of faltering and you both seem to really need support and a different opinion. I guess I will share my own story and then try to relate it to what I think you both should do.

My relationship was for three years, which isn’t a lot of time when compared to the relationships that you three had. But a break-up is a break-up and all stories on break-ups and recovery share a common thread. Nobody goes into a relationship thinking that they will break-up, so obviously the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes with a break-up is real and it hurts. It especially hurt for me because we had both thought this relationship was “the one” and we were both extremely compatible and we had met each other’s immediate and extended families, who all thought we would get married. I sent my ex one e-mail explaining how I was committed to working on the relationship together. He told me he didn’t want this and included some messages of hope and told me how this was going to be one of his biggest regret. I haven’t talked to him since. I stopped keeping track of days, but it has been no contact for 53 days (just looked it up). I deleted him off of all social media and I even deleted some of our mutual friends (except they were really his friends and I never talked to them unless it was a group setting with my ex) off of Facebook. Honestly, it has been a really tough break-up. Initially, I had been so concerned with how to make him come back, which is why I landed on this forum. But since staying in NC for some time, I realized that this forum can be pretty toxic. I think expressing your feelings is great (I have been keeping a journal on my laptop whenever I felt the need to express myself) and there are psychology studies on how it speeds up healing. But many of you are still longing for your ex to come back and all of you encourage each other to hold onto that false hope. I think that’s pretty toxic and only prolongs your recovery.

What I have to say to you three is that you shouldn’t be in contact with your exes. It is really hard but staying in contact only prolongs your healing. What really helped me through all of this was just repeating to myself that I did not want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. Think about it. Do you really want to lure your ex back, only to have him dump you again? Do you want to give someone an ultimatum and then know that he only came back because you have him no other choice? That’s a recipe for disaster. There’s a blog that talks about Better Man or Better Dan theory and I have copy and pasted it here:

“The Better Man part is simple: there are many exceptional men out there and eventually, when you’re willing to let one of them in, one of these men will fall so in love with you that your head will rotate in a delirious, dizzying fashion.

The Better Dan part is less simple. When your ex-boyfriend chose to break up with you, there was a part of him that needed to be free for whatever reason. You must grant him this freedom. It must be unfettered and it must be pure: do not intrude on it. No good comes from trying to lure a person who has made a conscious decision to live their life without you in it back into your life. It’s soul destroying and it’s absolutely futile. Instead, focus on yourself – for while it may very much feel like it, a breakup is not about the person who broke up with you, it’s about you, and how effectively you turn a nasty emotional knock into something powerful and positive.

But back to Better Dan. Better Dan is the guy who has had time to grow and get clarity as a single man, and who then realises he wants to share that new man with you. As Richard Bach so wisely said, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” Better Dan is the man who you loved enough to set free, and he came back.

That said, I must point out it’s not helpful to wander through the murky swamp of a breakup hoping your ex will be knocking on your door in his Better Dan get-up in a few months time. He might be gone for good. Be at peace with this; it simply means you’re in store for a Better Man instead.”

This blog really helped me. It made me realize that I need to do no contact. At first, I was doing it because I thought doing no contact would make him realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life and would have him come running back to me. But then, I started doing no contact because I realized that I have no control over his decisions and just removing any form of contact helped me with my recovery. If, in the future, he finds this new clarity and decides he wants me back, then we will evaluate it. But I cannot go through this break-up waiting and hoping that he will come back to me. Additionally, staying in NC has helped me realize so many flaws in our relationship and what I want differently in a future relationship — whether it is with him or someone else.

So to all three of you, I think you really need to stop contacting your ex. It’s great that they respond, but until they defiantly say that they want to get back with you — there is no point in analyzing their text messages or e-mails. I hope you all don’t think I’m coming off as brutal or mean, but I think all three of you have some great qualities and as someone who has gone through the huge emotional roller coaster and is at a more stable place right now, I think you all should hear this. Please read the breakup recovery guide — it was a huge turning point for me when I read this.

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/