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I realize now it was difficult for me to switch between being a bestfriend and a boyfriend. At times I would forget to switch back. Instead of being tender, loving and supportive, I would be quick and solution-driven. It’s not that I wasn’t loving, I guess when it came to her bringing her problems up, instead of listening to understand, I only listened to find an “answer.” I can see how that could make her feel disconnected.
I made her question her self worth. Because I was failing to show my love properly, it made her question if she was worth being loved. She questioned whether or not she was doing enough to gain my love. Again, going back to the disconnect. I failed to communicate why I did or didn’t do certain things. For example, she wanted me to move in, but I had to take care of my family. Instead of helping her to understand the fear I held leaving them (parents had multiple surgeries and some risks) I only explained what was happening, so she wasn’t able to empathize and support me fully as well, which took its own toll on her.
That leads to the lack of action. Though I was sacrificing much to be with her, I never made it known because I thought it burdensome. She felt as though I was only with her when it was convenient. So she believed that I never took initiative to be with her. Though, again, this isn’t the case. Many times I left my family in times of need because I knew she needed me more.
She just wanted me there to support her and not fight her battles. Sometimes I would try to fight her battles and she fight mine which ultimately drained us. I have my traumas (family issues, financial issues, personal insecurities) and she had hers, stemming from sexual assaults and gun violence. I think ultimately we tried to fix each other and just ended up hurting ourselves and put the fault on each other. That is why I want to apologize so badly.
I don’t want us resenting each other. Again, we were best friends. Because we kept trying to win each other’s battle, we were both feeling under appreciated and drained. I want to tell her that I appreciated and loved every little thing that she did. And she was completely worth it even though I never showed it to her properly. She’s hurting because she feels worthless. I just want to tell her she is worth the world.
I don’t know how to do that without pushing her away though. So much of me wants to get her back to let her feel that. I know where my mistakes were, and I know what I can work on even more. But in the rebound relationship, when can I reach out? How long until I lose my chance?
Thank you. I definitely hit a really big panic mode. I’ve been wavering in and out of confidence and desperation. And I lose who I am. I’ve never faced anxiety before because I’ve always been good at letting go.
This time however, because we were actually bestfriends; inside jokes, inseparable, shared experiences, help through tough times and all; before we dated, it makes it that much harder to lose her.
Again, I want so badly to get her back as my girlfriend again, but I want my bestfriend back even more.
That’s where the offer for a discount came in. That wasn’t coming from a place of pleading to see her. I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn’t get a response, or more negativity would ensue if I overextended, that honestly just came from a place as a friend. But clearly, it wasn’t perceived that way. Since she had tagged that account, I presumed it might’ve been ok, especially after a month and a half.
As for not giving her time. It wasn’t so much I didn’t give her time, it was more I didn’t show her that I loved her while I had the time with her. Unfortunately, a lot of the things I did were done out of sight, and never brought them up. Like how I would, almost once a week, stay up all night holding her as she had nightmares that she wouldn’t easily wake up from due to ptsd. I never told her I did things like that. That’s what eats at me the most.
She broke up with me because I made her feel like she wasn’t worth it. Because She didn’t see what I was doing. That’s why I want to apologize to her so desperately. Again, not so much to win her back as a girlfriend, but because I hurt my bestfriend and made her believe that she wasn’t worthy even though she was. Because she didn’t see it, she didn’t believe it.
She said it was my lack of action that made her feel unloved. Even though we don’t owe each other anything, that is what I truly want to remedy.
I have no idea what I was writing with that text. Half of me does want to move on so that I can have her as my friend back. I feel like the only way to get her trust back is by showing her that I am done. But that’s so much easier said that done. We always made movie references so I thought I could be witty with it. And I got an interview for a dream job she had always been excited, and pushed for me to get. I just wanted to share that fully with her. “Sometime” and “eventually” we’re terms that we always used meaning “never..but I’ll keep my eye out.”
I have no idea what I am doing. All I know is, I did something that hurt my friend and I want to do everything in this world to make it right. Almost all of our friends our mutual friends, so we might see each other…eventually…all I hope, again, is that there can be a connection made to be friends again. After that, only time will tell.
I reached out very very briefly as a friend, but not to apologize. I reached out to let her know that, I found out something of hers broke, and I can get it at a good deal but only if she needed it. I said “discount available if you need it 👍🏽“ Though…this led to her blocking me from social media. I’m sure that may have come across as me trying to see her/win her back.
I have composed a message to send her
“Just wanted to send a text to let you know that I’ve finally come to terms with the break up. We definitely weren’t in the right place for each other. I realize now, I have to let you go for both of us to be happy. That was always the goal anyways.
I wanted to also let you know that I’m sorry about the way I acted after the break up too. I was totally trying to be John Cusack and just trying to apologize, not trying to win you back. You’re truly a dynamite gal (although too much of a worry wart at times 😂) and deserve to be happy. I apologize that I hurt you by how I acted.
But! Some good news! Things are definitely looking up and I’ve been more excited than ever to move forward! A lot of good things 😊
Love to fill you in…but in the future. You and I both need some space right now. But life’s too short not to have people who were best friends back in our lives. See ya sometime!”
Is this too much? Should I wait longer to send it?
This was honestly because I do need to let her go a little. I’m constantly being hurt when I think about her. I want to send something like this to her to let her know I’m not someone she needs to be anxious about. And to close the door a little on myself so that I can fully allow myself to be a “passive friend” because I do want her back in my life to any extent where she can trust me again. She’s always had a hard time giving trust and second chances again
