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Doesn’t sound like you have “messed up” in the sense that you caused drama or hurt. From my recent experience, to understand is very important. First understand that she needs space (NC). Then ask her what the problems were and offer your solution and ask if she wants to give it a try. If she doesn’t want to try anymore, understand that this is her choice and let the one you love make their own choice. This is love.
“Make your way around it slowly, if you cannot walk straight through it.”
A friend offered me this word of wisdom when I was painfully indulged in a short-lived “relationship” where he was only physically attracted to me, didn’t make me his girlfriend, and it took me two years to love someone again. Yes two years.
In the end, it will be okay. If it isn’t okay, it isn’t the end yet. Keep anticipating what you will find there.
For an example, when I asked him to print out a few photos of us (he was more familiar with the neighbourhood) it took him three weeks to do it. Instead of being grumpy about it I could just do it myself. He said he didn’t realize it was so important to me and then he was upset by the fact that I was upset.
Another would be marriage. I do anticipate getting married after two to three years of dating and although it sounded reasonable to him, towards the end he felt crushed because he wasn’t sure if he could fulfill my hopes.
I came to understand getting married was not on his immediate agenda when he wanna break up and then I offered to take it slow. But still he “didn’t want me to change myself” and said he wanna be single for the time being (yeah I know it’s sarcastic that I stayed single longer after the break up, but I also saw it coming).
That’s why I was surprised when he wanted to break up – we were both relatively gentle people and we never had a lot of big arguments.
We agreed to learn instead of expect (my primary mode is future-thinking), and so over time I learnt that some of my expectations were not necessary so I was adjusting too. I didn’t feel like I was changing myself.
We both agreed we wanted to take it serious and could see ourselves dating a long time, so the real disappointment came in during the break up because he was giving up. So I started being a cheerleader and sometimes a coach. This I learnt from my mom I guess. I wanted us to grow together.
I have come to know him and myself better and understand that even though we were willing, doesn’t mean we can in the end. I understand we have limitations. If this is the road we have to take, separately, then I wish each of us the best.
