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@mike2014 did she want to have kids etc or buy a house? or did you guys have any future plans?
@mike2014 he told me ( before this time apart) that he thinks the only thing that even gives us a chance to fix the relationship is this time apart so he can figure his thoughts out. I totally agree as well…but for some reason i feel like it wont be good because he was pushing me away for 7 months…so the “normal” to him is how he was when he pushed me away…not the real us when we were on the same page. I asked him about this before we decided to go on the time apart and he said if he was only looking at the last 7 months then he would have decided to break up…but because things were amazing with us and he thought we were special he needs to reevaluate what he wants. Its just frustrating because we lived together so now i am at my parents ( he offered that i stay but i didnt want to stay in an apartment with all of our things there…thats jut torture). I dont know what my plan of attack is…what would you guys do?
@atea1234 i recognize that it is both our decision ( i 100% agree with this and promise you i am not naive to his selfishness with this) my thought process on this is…this is the only way i can walk away from this ( if it is bad) and say i did absolutely everything. Whats difficult with this ( and your guys situations as well) is that there wasnt a fight..or anything that lead up to this. I think i was livid with his reaction not to say hi but at the same time…knowing him and how scared he is of me confronting him or something ( hes REALLY not good with that stuff) i understand. I think if i was in that situation i wouldnt know what to say either and would just wave too until i had my stuff figured out. This is week 2 of us not talking and i have been focusing on myself a lot. I go out with my friends and try not to think about the fact that my whole life can change in a matter of a week ( we live together so it would involve me moving my stuff, finding a place etc). For some reason i think even if he decides not to be with me…i think he will realize in time ( whether i choose to wait or not is up to me).@mike2014 i know it helps to take time apart and think about it individually and what that means for our future. I know hes been going out with his friends and his mutual friend told me that he said he was bummed out on friday ( i think maybe thinking about it too much) the problem is that i have 0 idea of what he is thinking. I understand that yesterday he didnt say hi because he wouldnt know what to say. Apparently according to a mutual friend who was with him that he said he tried to wave at me but i wouldnt look at him. Of course i got furious that he didnt say hi and the mutual friend told him i was mad.
i have a strong negative feeling in my stomach that this is only going to end badly and not well. I have my doubts that our relationship will even be a thing after this time apart because he is SOOO conflicted about the doubts in his life. Despite this he continuously tells our friend that hes scared im moving on and it feels crappy for him because he doesnt want to picture me with anyone else. He wanted space apart to work on himself and figure out what he wants…hes an introvert and me pushing for an answer everyday got him overwhelmed and he didnt know where to even go from there.
@mike2014 i feel like my bf is the same with shyness wth girls…hes an introvert so he used to always struggle to talk to people…including me. Which makes me a little relieved on the front of him meeting someone else.
Regarding my situation its exactly how i said it is…2 weeks of us taking time apart. We are still together but we are taking time apart for him to figure himself out and whether he sees a future with me.
essentially he is confused because he has feelings for me, but then has doubts that make him question those feelings, but then has feelings that make him question those doubts…and this has been going in circles in his head.ughhh i just ran into my boyfriend at a bar and he didnt even say hi. i am sooo fucking livid at the situation you ask someone to take 2 weeks apart and they accommodate to you and you dont even have the decency to say hi. BRILLIANT
@mike2014 i totally understand that but i wasnt like “this is how we NEED to do it” i thought it was a mature conversation like…this is where i see our future going what do you think? But i understand that he wasnt ready for that…but when we live together for 2 years and are in our middle of 20s and you have ideas on school etc then i think its important to discuss things.
@atea1234
I understand that he is being selfish and he also recognizes that ( we arent broken up yet so he isnt my ex) but he claims it is the only way he will know for sure what his decision should be. That we arent on a break at all..we are taking space apart so he can figure it out. So we are both still faithful. I have been trying to focus on myself…i went out yesterday to go dancing with my friends and it was okay..i had fun but i kept thinking man these guys..they arent him. I just miss how we were around each other and the way we were so natural around each other and the best. We literally had the most amazing relationship until he brought up the marriage stuff and i brought up my 5 year plan and he got scared by it. So i dont even know what to do …because i said ok i recognize i pushed that on you and maybe you werent ready and thats ok..but he pushed me away 7 months ago and started to resent me for it.I dont know if he will figure it out by 2 weeks a part of me is like “oh god i hope so” and the other part of me is like…ya that doesnt seem like a plausible thing…hes def going to take longer than that…but even then i dont know if i should wait longer than that because what am i waiting for exactly? like i am in love with him and all of who he is…like even when i see other men i think “oh..but they arent him” and i remember the cute things we would do together etc ( i am hoping he is remembering these things right now too….in our time apart and its making it a decision to be with me). I just dont understand what else there is with this. Like i understand getting scared…and it IS scary to think about…but if i am so perfect to you and you admit i am and recognize that i am an amazing person…then what else is there? Like he said (before NC) that he goes through 3 thought processes:
a. we break up and things are ok..she finds someone, i find someone
b. we break up and she moves on but i realize she was the one for me and spend the rest of my time chasing after her trying to get her back
c. we try to make this work and become stronger than ever.So you’re right…i dont know how he can make his decision either in 2 weeks…but i dont know what else to do? Like i have offered a trillion times that we should break up then but he wont do it because he wants a for sure guarantee in his life that this is the decision he wants to make and needs to make..
@atea1234
your situation sounds really similar to me…except my boyfriend is 27…so he should know that this is the point TO settle down. I just dont know what to do with it anymore because i am also at that point of losing hope. Its such a terrible predicament to be in…the one in which it isnt that either of you did anything to hurt the other or stopped loving each other…its that you arent on the same page anymore.in my situation we werent on the same page for 7 months…and then he started to lose his attachment to me and doubt and question. Now he is taking his 2 weeks to himself to figure out if he wants to be with me and if his feelings are strong enough to start the relationship again…or if hes just terrified of losing me and thats why he is feeling all these feelings.
its day 6 of us not talking and its torture..i know it gets easier over time and i will have my answer soon…i just honestly fear it is going to be bad… or worse…that it will be ” i dont know” still…which is even more agitating.@maren88 he/shes probably thinking the same thing about what you are doing tonight. Be strong with this.
thank you all for your input, i just wish there was a way i could know which way this is going. He is the love of my life, i honestly thought we were going to get married…but i dont even know where to go from here.
his mom messaged me today again ( she messaged me when this all began saying they love me a lot etc) and today she asked how i was doing ( hes really close with his mom). I said i was doing well, and then she asked how job hunting was going and i said well…then she ended it with “thinking of you every day” =(
sorry i realized that my story was kind of useless, the point is MAYBE it could spark something but 99% of the time it doesnt. Its the NC and being the best yourself around them when they do see you that does it…i believe
When my ex and i initially broke up ( we were dating for 3 months and young and stupid) he wanted to be FWB but didnt want it to be known i believe. When i did was not sleep with him but hung out with him as a pal for a little while, then i discovered that NC is the best way to go about this and i hung out with him the last time…we slept together ( it really wasnt worth it to me) but i remember him telling me “do..you want me to help you..” because i didnt climax from the sex, and i literally gave him the coldest face and said “no. thanks.” and went to sleep. The next morning i kissed him goodbye and unbeknown to him i began NC. He texted me a week later saying he was stupid and we shouldnt have broken up.
Anyway the point is DO NOT sleep with him, it is a bad idea and disrespectful to you. IF he cant have a emotional connection with you he doesnt deserve a physical one. I would give him a short response of something like what a funny joke that was and cut contact
thank you so much, im sorry it is really long. So i am technically not broken up with…but on the road to getting there i believe.
here is my story:”
Hello, thank you so much for reading my thread. I have a tricky situation i am in. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is 27 and i am 25. We always had a really amazing relationship, i mean we had our ups and downs but i dont recall us ever really arguing about things. This could be because he agreed with everything i said and wasnt the best with communication ( a problem in our relationship). Well 7 months ago he went away on a guys trip and came back ecstatic about proposing. He even voiced to me he wanted to propose etc (this was crazy to me because he NEVER talked about marriage other than to say he saw himself marrying me one day). Well i thought this was a great time to tell him about my 5 year plan. I intended on going back to school when i was done working for a while after i graduated to do my masters. So my ideal time to get married was 26ish and have my first child at 28 ( i know i know im a planner though and he ALWAYS left the decision making up to me. Like he literally said “whatever she wants to do” when he would be asked about these life choices). Well i noticed he started changing after this and being different in the relationship…but when i would ask him if there was something wrong he would say no and reassure me his plan was still to propose. 2 months later he tells me that he isnt ready to propose ( after i pester him and get it out of him). I’m of course upset because why would he lie to me for so long telling me he was. Since then things got even more distant, but everytime i asked him he said he was fine. 4 months ago he mentioned potentially being depressed..that he was starting to feel numb. Then in 3 months ago hes bawling his eyes out telling me he doesnt know what he wants and that he isnt sure hes in love with me. Knowing that i went through something similar i reassured him it was ok and it might be his depression..and that people dont just wake up one day and fall out of love. He says he needs time to himself to figure out if he wants to be together. I said ok and he doesnt talk to me for a week. I dont attempt to speak to him at all even though its killing me. At the end of the week i tell him we need to talk. So we finally talk and he said he wasnt sure about what he wanted but when he saw me he realized he wanted to be with me and he wanted to try and fix what he had done. ( he said he had been pushing away since the marriage stuff). So we do this for 3 months and i dont notice him being affectionate anymore or his usual self. He again reassures me that its ok and that he was making progress. He even tells me he feels like hes for sure in love with me. Well…after so long of him not being affectionate i finally ask him to tell me the truth. He breaks down and tells me that he was still not sure and he didnt know what he was doing etc etc (basically a panic attack) and hes bawling the whole time. Well i suggest seeing someone and he reluctantly agrees ( i knew he wouldnt want to see someone).
The next day he says he was glad we didnt break up and he wanted to see someone and that meant he wanted to try until this was figured out ( be affectionate and a normal couple). So we do this for the past week and of course theres this black cloud over us the whole time but hes more affectionate and appreciative than ever before ( or at least for the past 3 months). He constantly is commenting on things he never noticed before like how beautiful my eye color was and how soft the tops of my hands are etc. And so it was bittersweet but we were acting like a normal couple and opening up until his appointment. He even tells me that it really messed him up thinking about me with someone else on my wedding day and how i would be smiling at them the way i smile at him, and being my adorable self around them and kissing them the way i am with him etc…and hes bawling the whole time.Well after seeing this counselor he decides he needs time to himself to figure out if the past week was him legitimately being in love with me or if he was just mourning the loss of me already. He clarifies that he does NOT want us to be broken up, it is NOT a break. It is absolutely time to himself and that we are to remain faithful. And so he is conflicted with this decision in his life, that he may be losing the most important thing to him but he wasnt ready to give it 100% because he still had these doubts. So 4 days ago he dropped me off at my parent house (we lived together) and was not crying AT ALL ( but the previous week before he saw the counselor he was bawling) so i dont even know if hes maybe made a decision but is prolonging it? So now we are on day 4 of NC and it was brutal for a while…he also told our mutual friend he was feeling like i was moving on and it was making him worry etc. Do you think this will end badly?
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