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Hey Mema, in case you didn’t know, I posted the latest and probably last update here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/my-situation-11/
Thanks for the kind words, Ciara. I appreciate it. All I can do now is move on completely and focus on myself, and find someone else. She’s made it clear that, at least for this time period of our lives, we’re just not compatible. So I just have to respect that and let her make the first move whenever, and if we ever do become friends again.
(FYI, Never sent her parents the message)
Well, I think things are finally at a close. My ex messaged me yesterday and told me that we can’t be friends anymore (Or at least, right now) because she thinks I still haven’t moved on completely. Honestly, I can’t be expected to have moved on completely..she may have been able to, but since I still love her, it’s not that easy for me. And she told me up front that her and Bob are going to get together once he is back from boot camp. So it looks like my fears were confirmed, what with her hanging out with him so much lately.
She told me that she doesn’t want to give me false hope because it’s not fair to either me or Bob, and she doesn’t want me fighting for her when she is with him. And she reasserted that she doesn’t want to get back together. So she has basically cut me out of her life now, and she doesn’t want me contacting her at all. She said that when she’s ready to be friends again, she’ll message me first. I honestly don’t know if I will get that message.
So it looks like things having ended for the worst in my case. Though her and Bob may just be a rebound fated to fail, I’m not really sure. They’ve known each other longer than I’ve known her, so it’s not like he’s just some guy she met the other day. And form what I know of him, since I was his friend too, he’s a good guy. So I have this gut feeling that the next time I see her message pop up, it might be with his last name…
The sad thing is I still have hope, however small, that things will work out in the end. I still have this feeling that I should be the one with her at the end of the day. But I bet that’s just me having “false hope”.
But I’ve been thinking about it all and a thought has been running through my mind. So my parents have issues. My mom has has issues with my dad, pretty much the same ones that led to me and my ex breaking up, and she’s been with him for over 30 years. He’s made many mistakes and hurt her countless times, but she’s still with him, still trying because she loves him.
I made a few mistakes, I hurt her and now, she’s choosing to just walk away. I’m not like my dad, I have actually made progress towards changing myself and becoming a better me. But if she isn’t willing to give me another chance despite what she sees and despite the fact she said she loved me, it makes me wonder if she ever did at all. I’m the kind of guy that believes love is a sacred thing, so to speak. Once you find someone you love, you don’t stop loving them. Even when you’re apart, that person will always mean something to you. And I honestly can’t say that she still cares, that she still does love me, because I honestly don’t think she does. So I’ve been wondering if she ever really loved me at all.
I already have a suspicion that she was planning to get with Bob for some time now, maybe even before we broke up since she started hanging out with him all of a sudden. My guess is she already decided she was going to break up with me and so she chose him to replace me. There’s no other way to explain why she hung out with him as much as she did and her reason “I want to hang out with my friend before he goes to boot camp” never sat right with me.
But anyways, what’s happened has happened.
I have no choice but to move on now. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of this hope that me and her will one day get together again. Because despite all of this…I still love her and I still care about her. But I’m starting to think she doesn’t care about me anymore.So this will be my last post. Thanks all for the advice, but fate had other plans in mind.
I never intended on using her parents to get to her, that’s not what I meant at all. I’m talking about making things right with her parents, that’s all. Maybe it might seem “creepy” if things weren’t serious, but they were like my second family. And they admitted that I felt like I was part of the family. So it doesn’t have anything to do with bringing them into my relationship issues, because like you said, that’s between me and my ex. Talk about my ex would just be to show that I’m serious about sticking around, that I’m not just another guy to them.
If I did decide to do this, it would simply be to fix things between me and her parents, not to try and get them to help me get back together.
Hey K777, I do kind of regret sending that sappy one, but in all honesty, it could have been worse. And what you suggested seems like a good idea, the right way to go about this. While I did send that bit at the end, I’ve kept away from emotional and sappy things for the most part. Taking things slow is obviously what I have to do and I have to show her I’m changing myself for the better.
Now, a problem I’ve had this whole time is I was in the mindset of: “Okay, I need to change myself for the better to get her back. I need to work hard, rush this so I can change quickly and then next time we see each other, I’ll be a new man!” But I’ve realized that’s the wrong approach. I don’t have to be a changed man when I see her, I just need to show her I’m making progress, that I’m committed and serious about it.
Right now, though, I’m tackling a new approach and wondering if I should or not. And what I mean by that is…her parents. I disrespected them by not treating their daughter right (I’m pretty sure they hate me right now, but it’s more than this) and I feel like I need to make things right with them as well.
So basically…when me and my ex first started dating and for most of our relationship, I was on great terms with her parents. I went over to her house and we would hang out, play games, I would play with her little sisters. Her parents loved me, though I was very respectful, considerate and caring. Fast forward to about a few months ago. Now, while I really like her parents because of how cool they are, they often put my ex through a lot of unneeded stress and I would even go so far as to say emotional abuse. There were many, many nights when she would be in tears because of the way they made her feel, like she didn’t matter to them.
Well, I got angry after one conversation and did something I shouldn’t have. I deleted them off my Facebook, just unfriended them. Well, that pissed them off (And my ex because she had asked me to respect her and not do anything rash..yeah, I messed up). Well, for a month or so, I was on bad terms with her parents. They didn’t really like me anymore. But It got to the point where I just couldn’t let it stand, and for my ex’s sake, I started to make amends. I sent them an apology letter, explaining why I did it (Because I care about their daughter) and that it was disrespectful and wrong.
Well…it worked. They started to like me again apparently (My ex would sometimes tell me how her parents started making good remarks about me again, as they said only bad things when they didn’t like me). So things were getting better between them and me.
Then my ex broke up with me. Now we’re back at square one of my story.
So, I was getting better with them and then I hurt their daughter and so I’m pretty sure they hate me again. I feel like I need to clear the air with them more than anything. I need to show them that I’m not another boyfriend who was with their daughter, hurt her and just left. I need to show them that I’m serious about making things right, that I’m serious about their daughter and that I really do want to make things right between me and them. And I think if I talk to them and tell them that I’m willing to go above and beyond for their daughter, if I take responsibility for what I did, it may start to soften them up to me again. Because I want to be in their good graces before I attempt to get my ex back, because they are probably encouraging her to find someone else right now.
But I don’t know. Because talking to them straight up worked with the apology, and when I first asked her out, I wanted to ask her father for permission like an classic gentlemen. He said I didn’t need to, but my ex alter told me how he and her mom both thought it was mature and respectful of me to want to do that. So maybe if I can show them I’m serious about being with my ex and that I’m willing to change for the better, they’ll come around and heck, best case scenario, encourage me to get with her again.
But that’s all just kind of speculation right now. I haven’t decided if I should, but I just have a gut feeling it may be the right thing to do.
Thanks for your words, Ciara!
I’ve posted a couple updates since then here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/not-sure-if-the-nc-will-work/
Once you read the last update in the link above, read this:
I ended up messaging her and apologizing for my loopy one I had sent her earlier. She responded and told me not to worry about it because it was slightly amusing. We actually had a normal conversation at the point about how she’s going to the dentist soon, and she’s afraid of needles. We talked about that for a bit, I made a couple jokes and then she told me that she had to go and she didn’t know when she’d be back on (If you read the updates in the link above, you’ll know what this means.)
So I wished her luck at the dentist and with those projects she mentioned. I told her that she was a strong person and I knew she’d do great with both things. I then sent another message about ten minutes later telling her to take care of herself because I still care about her and no matter what, I was still here for her and I would be praying for her. (I didn’t get a reply but I wasn’t expecting one)
So overall, I think that it went kind of..good. We actually had a normal conversation for the first time in weeks. I think if I can keep things light like this, we might be able to start talking again a lot sooner than both of us thought. And I think I’ll give it about a week maybe, but I’m going to send her a friend request again (Not sure about this yet though). Because I did it for some space, but if she is getting off Facebook anyways, I don’t really need to delete her. Plus I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with her, how she is doing, or when she is even online.
So yeah..
Yet another update.
So ever since I had deleted her, I felt like I had made a mistake. And that night, I actually had a dream where I met with Bob and I wanted him to give her a message for me about why I deleted her. Well, I ended up waking up at 4am and I had this terrible anxiety. I ended up moving to my computer as if my body was doing it on it’s own and I jumped on Facebook and sent her a message, the same one I had in my dream.
I fell back asleep for about an hour or two and when I got back on Facebook when I woke up, she had responded. We had a short conversation about what happened and it didn’t go terribly. I told her why I deleted her, which was because of her ignoring me and how it hurt, so I wanted space, and such. We ended the talk soon after that.
Later in the day, maybe a few hours after our talk, I got a message from her saying she wasn’t going to be on Facebook for awhile. She said she didn’t know when she’d be back on and she was telling me because she didn’t want me to think she was ignoring me again. She said she wanted to focus more on her schoolwork and “several projects” she wants to work on. She told me she didn’t want to cause any issues, but she just doesn’t know what to do anymore. (I’m ashamed of it, but my anxious mind thought it was quite a coincidence that she is deciding to get off Facebook for “awhile” just as Bob is about to go off for boot camp. My paranoid mind is assuming the worst, the she’s getting off because he’ll be gone and she won’t have anyone to talk to. I had hoped maybe during that time she would want to try talking again, but it looks like that will be a no..)
So I decided to ask her a few things before she got off. I asked her why she didn’t want to get back together first off, because she had made it a point to tell me that in one of our previous conversations (As well as she didn’t know if she was ready to talk yet). I wanted to know why, because when we were together, it was incredible for both of us and she told she that she was completely in love with me quite a few times. So I asked if it was the break-up that made her not want to be with me, or maybe the pain I had caused, or maybe if she just didn’t love me anymore.
All she said was that she deserved more “to put it simply”. And I have to agree with her, but honestly, that made me hopeful. Because it gave me hope that I can still get her back. I just have to become a good man who is deserving of her. I asked her if she still loved me, because I knew she probably wasn’t in love with me anymore. And she said that she still really cares about me. She apologized that she couldn’t give me a straight answer and we finished with a few more words to each other. That was yesterday.
Well, today, I had some minor surgery (A cyst on the back of my head) and they gave me some anesthesia so I wouldn’t feel anything. I was still a bit loopy because of it when I got home and I ended up sending her a message just apologizing for everything, and then apologizing for sending her the message because I was loopy. She responded, surprisingly, and asked what I was having surgery for (I thought I had told her about it before, maybe she forgot). So I told her, and she suggested I just get some rest. So I simply said “Yeah, probably haha. bye!” and she responded with “Bye..”. That was about an hour and a half ago, and I’m starting to sober up.
Now I’m unsure if I should send her a message, apologizing for that loopy one. Or if I should just not say anything, and maybe see if she messages me to check up on me.
Anyways, that’s the latest update!
Alright, I’m back again haha.
Here’s an update.
So I saw my ex yesterday at the foodcourt/BX. With “Bob”. I walked right by and she completely ignored me. That hurt, but I was able to stomach it.
Well, today, I saw her again at the commissary (I’m a bagger, so it’s my work). She was with her mom, and surprise surprise, Bob. Again, she completely ignored me and didn’t even make eye contact. (I didn’t bag for them, I was down about 5-6 lanes. She knew I was there though.)
So after that, I had a talk with my mom and a fellow coworker, and I’ve decided to delete her off my Facebook earlier today. Well, I learned when I got home shortly ago that apparently she found out (I think she actually visited my profile daily) and I guess she decided to “retaliate” (The word my mom used) by deleting my mom and sister off of her Facebook.
And I just found out that “Bob” deleted me off Facebook as well.
And I’m just feeling rather blah right now. It bothers me, but I’m trying to stomach it once again and just wait. Wait and see what happens from here. I’m worried that she’s serious about breaking all ties with me at this point, because I still do love her.
What do you all think about it? How would you explain it?
My fear: She is serious and this could be the end for us.
My mom’s explanation: “I doubt that. She’s just retaliating, which is a good sign. It means she still cares, she is still emotional. If she didn’t care, it wouldn’t phase her and that’s when you need to be worried.”
My coworker’s explanation: “Just give her the bird.” (Yea..he’s a guy who gets angry after break ups..)It’s really good to hear that everything worked out for you, Alexa! I’m happy for you. 🙂
I’m currently about 3 weeks- a month into my break up with my girlfriend, well she broke up with me. I love her more than anything, but I’m moving away this summer and we’ve agreed to meet up one more time. Right now we’re not talking and I’m going to be betting everything on that last [hopefully not :)] meet up. I plan on telling her A) How I feel about her. B) What I’m doing to change myself and improve as a partner. C) How much I want a future with her.
I’m not going to be emotional or cry during it, though. I want her to see me as a strong, confident guy who wants her, but doesn’t need her. 🙂I sure hope that if things work out between us again, it won’t take 6 months haha. But I’d rather it be that than never. We’ll see!
Anyways, good luck to you guys! 🙂
After praying about it and talking with the best person I have to talk to, and who is generally the best person for anyone to talk to..my mom. I’ve come to a decision.
The No Contact Rule may work for many people, but it’s not right for everyone. And I don’t think it’s right for me unfortunately. So I’m going to abandon it as of today.
Now, I’m not going to immediately start messaging her and trying to strike up a conversation. She still wants space right now and I’m going to respect that and back off, maybe taking your advice about social media, K777. But I think the NC rule is flawed in that it’s a generalization, and every girl is different (Granted, it’s mostly a time to improve yourself, I know, don’t worry, I’m addressing the parts of it where it’s supposed to make her miss you and such). I know my ex, I know how her mind works and how she operates. And if the day comes when she messages me to try and talk again, and I’m doing NC so I ignore her, then it’ll drive her away more than it will make her miss me. This is what I’ve realized after really thinking about it.
So I’ll wait until she wants to talk again, or maybe at least give it a couple of weeks before I message her again. And as I said in ‘My Situation’ post, we plan on meeting up in person again.
Most people will advise to keep the encounter light, strike up an attraction again and such. But again, I think every situation is different and every girl/boy is different. I plan on letting her know how I feel, but I’m not going to be an emotional mess and cry. I plan on being confident and show her that no matter what happens that day, I’ll still be holding my head high.
I will tell her how much I love her and I will remind her of the connection we once, and maybe still, have. I will show her how serious I am about making things right, how serious I am about changing myself for the better and how committed I am to my goals. I will remind her of the good times we had, but I will make it clear that I don’t want her to take me back. Because taking me ‘back’ implies going back to what we once had, and it’s obvious that what we had was broken. Our old relationship had good times, but it also had serious issues and now it’s dead. I’ll simply tell her I want to start fresh again and build a new better relationship, devoid of all the issues I caused for us in the previous one.
But never will I utter the words “I need you” or “I can’t live without you.” or anything of the kind. I don’t want her to view me as being needy, desperate or pathetic. I will make it clear that I don’t need her, that I can live my life without her. She isn’t in control of my life, I am. I want to present to her a man who is standing on his own two feet, who has a clear understanding of what he wants out of life, a man who is proud, confident and blessed with what he has. The changes I’m currently undertaking (Clepping, exercising, job hunting, getting right with God, planning out what I want to do in life) are what I’ll present to her. I’ll tell her I’m changing myself for the better, I’m growing up and I’m going to be a different man from the boy that she left.
But despite this, I am going to show her that while I do not need her, I do want her. Because it’s the truth. I can live my life without her, but I don’t want to. I’ll remind of her the things we once talked about for our future, and remind her they can still become a reality. She still loves me, I know she does, and because of how long we were together, I can’t believe for a minute that those desires and wishes have simply vanished instantly. She may still be hurt, but I know those feelings are still there and I’ll show her. I do intend on keeping it light with some inside jokes, make her remember the fun we used to have when we were together.
We talked about getting married and I’ll show her that I still want her to be my wife. I still want to have children, and name two of them Ooze and Booze(Inside joke). That I don’t want to build a life and include her in it down the road, but that I want to build a life together.
One thing she has wanted to do is go on an overnight trip together. We went on a day trip to Amsterdam, but she wanted to be able to just be alone together and to fall asleep together. If things go well (Only if they go well, mind you), there is a 3day/2night trip to Paris that I’m going to purchase for us before I leave. It’ll cost quite a penny, about 820 euros, which is roughly $900, but it’ll show I’m serious about everything. Even if we agree to go as friends, I think it’ll still make her happy.
Of course, I’ll need to read how she’s feeling in the time leading up to our encounter and when we first see each other. If she is reserved and seems closed off, then I’ll probably keep things light at first. But seeing as how it could be the last time we see each other for a long time, I can’t let the opportunity pass without letting her know how I feel and how I’ve changed.
Anyways, this is what I’ve decided after thinking long and hard. This is specific for me, so other people may be better off with the NC rule. I just don’t think it’s right for me. Other’s may think I’m laying it on too thick with such talk, but again, I know my ex better than anyone else. Keeping things “general” and light won’t help (Now, if things go well, and we agree to take it slow again, then keeping it light will be the best option obviously). She is an emotional person, and I believe she’d react more to an emotional talk rather than a light one (Again, I’m not going to cry or show her how hurt I am or anything like that. Just that I do care about her.)
I think I finally have a clear head now. I’m no longer an emotional wreck. I may still have little moments here and there like yesterday, but overall, I think the worst is past me.
I just want to say one more thing so people don’t get the wrong idea. All of these changes I’m making, they’re for me. They are to improve my own life, to get me on the right track for what’s best for me, nobody else. She is simply the motivation that has pushed me in the right direction. The NC is supposed to be a time to improve yourself and be okay with letting go, I know, but I’m no longer doing that. I think as these changes start to take effect, I’ll slowly start becoming okay with the idea of letting her go, if I’m not the best for her. More than anything, I just want what’s best for her and for her to be happy. If I have to, I’ll love her enough to let her go.
But until she tells me that she no longer loves me, until she tells me I mean nothing to her anymore, I will try with everything that I am to hold her in my arms again. I have to show her that she is important enough to me that I’m willing to fight for her. I need to show her how serious I am about creating a future with her by my side.
I just want to thank you guys for your advice so far. You have been helpful in opening my eyes in some regards, but I don’t think I’ll need much advice anymore. I’ve made up my mind and I’m determined.
I ended up breaking NC today..
I panicked a little, which is my own fault. See, there is this guy who we’ll call “Bob”. Bob was friends with my ex since before I met her, but after me and her started dating, they didn’t hang out that much. They talked occasionally, but that’s about it. Well, a few weeks prior to the break up, she had gone to hang out with him. And just a day or two before the break up, I found out that he was over at her house and she never told me about it (I’ve been known to get pretty jealous..).
Well, I know that since the breakup, they’ve been talking on Facebook. This I simply picked up from the fact that they are almost always online at the same time, and they go off at the same time. Whenever one is not one, the other is usually not on either. And as immature as it is, the best way that I’ve found to cope with the girl I love preferring to talk to someone else rather than me is by simply blocking Bob via chat. He can still message me and I him, but he just can’t see when I’m online and vice versa.
Well, today I was on and I saw a notification pop up saying that he was now friends with my ex’s dad. This struck a cord in me immediately. And I began to panic and think that I was going to lose her to Bob. I felt like in the wake of our break up, something might form between them and whether or not it’s a rebound relationship, I don’t know. I do know that they began to hang out prior to our break up, they are talking everyday now and now he’s adding her parents on Facebook.
I just want to add that do I think she’s been planning on going to him for awhile now? I don’t know, I don’t think so. I know her and she isn’t the kind of girl who would do that. I believe she genuinely loved me and cared about me, and I think she still does, but she needs someone to talk to, to help her move on I suppose…but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier seeing the girl you love chatting it up with another guy..
But bottom line is I broke NC by messaging her. I tried to just keep it light, conversational. I simply said,
“I know you said you wanted to exercise before, well, I just want to advise that you wait until it’s warmer and there is no snow on the ground. .:)”
(I had just gotten through with a jog around my area, and it’s freezing outside and there is snow on the ground)
She saw the message, but she just went offline without responding. I expected that though, that she’d probably just ignore it, but I still don’t like it haha.
That’s the latest update I have right now. I guess my emotions aren’t completely gone yet, since I did this. I blame it on the fact that while Brad Browning and Kevin recommend the NC rule, I’ve watched another guy’s videos called Dan who talks about how it’s not always a good idea to do it. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe it wasn’t right for me. So that was a cause for this..
I don’t think I’ve “messed” anything up though, I feel like she’ll just respond in her own time. Whether it’s tonight, tomorrow, in two weeks, I don’t know.
And again, it’s probably immature, but I’m taking a little relief in the fact that Bob joined the military and is being sent to Boot Camp on the 20th, for about 8 weeks or so. Maybe during that time, she’ll feel like talking again.
But I’m not going to rush anything. I’m using my mistake today as a probe, instead of worrying if it messed everything up, I’m using it to feel her out as you guys suggested. It may be too early for that, but I’m just trying to not to get discouraged.
Sorry for not elaborating. Like I said, I posted my full situation here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/my-situation-11/
I just took the time to write that and didn’t feel like doing it again, so you can read it there.
But basically, I know she loved me. She loved me just as much, if not more than I loved her. She had issues as well, I’m not going to make either of us out to be perfect, but it was ultimately me that caused the break up.
And I do know what I did wrong, and what I need to change, Jennifer. I’m a knuckle head who screwed up something really great haha. But I’m willing to do anything to get her back. I’m willing to study as hard as I can to get through college as quick as I can, which involves me taking a good deal of CLEP exams. I’m willing to bear this pain in my chest for the rest of my days if I must.
I don’t just love her because of how pretty she was, or how she made me feel. I loved her because of who she was, how pure her soul was, how unimaginably right for me she was, because of the way our fingers fit so perfectly together. She honestly was a special girl, and I just can’t forgive myself for letting things get to this point. I believe she is the woman for me, and that was never the issue. I was just immature and I didn’t know how to treat her. I’ll never make that mistake again, that’s for sure.
Like I said in the above post. I’m prepared to make her my wife. I initially thought I needed to get a good job and a nice stable life before I can come back to her and ask her for another chance. But I’m starting to realize that’s not what I want. What I want is to create those memories together. I want to go through the good times, the bad times and everything in between together. I want to be able to say we made it through the worst and came out stronger than we did before. I don’t want to build a life and include her in it down the road…I want to build a life together. If that makes sense.
Anyways, that’s my motivation for the hard work I’m putting in right now. Studying for CLEP (These tests are just..ugh.), getting in shape (This is more so for me than anything else), working hard at my volunteer position to earn as much money as I can squeeze out of the day.
I guess I just keep hanging onto the thought that, “If I can show her I’m changing, if I can show her how serious I am, maybe we can start over..”. So yea.. =]
I think that scariest thing about this right now is simply..I don’t know how she feels about me right now. I haven’t talked to her in awhile, as per the NC rule, but it seems from most people’s experiences, their ex is usually upset or mad. Mine isn’t, she told me herself, she’s not mad anymore. She’s just ‘numb’ and she doesn’t want to feel anything right now. So I honestly don’t even know if the NC is going to work for me, since she had been the one to suggest we stop talking for awhile, and she was the one who said we needed to focus on ourselves and our own future. I don’t know if she will even miss me during this period..
I honestly wish she was mad because I could deal with that, but I don’t know how to deal with her being numb..
