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@JeanValins I hate those sudden memories…they are the absolute worst, like a knife in the heart. I especially hate when I remember something I didn’t remember for a long time, that is 100 times worse. Do you really believe though that having no hope is the best way to look at things? Or that it is even accurate? I have been thinking about how ultimately I cannot force him to come back to me. He has to be able to forgive me. But I can also do everything I can to make that possible, and I believe that if I do, then it is possible… The only thing that was clearly impossible, was what I was doing before, that led me here.
I felt sick after eating dinner again. Everything just makes me feel so full and like something foreign is sitting in my stomach@JeanValins I just watched it again…it really is a wonderful speech, very uplifting. Maybe I will watch all the Lord of the Rings movies now. That will take up a lot of time. I’ve never really watched them all properly. My mom was just commenting that my face looks very different, very strange… I unfortunately am one of those people who you can see the sadness in my eyes very much. I think everyone everywhere has been seeing it. The good part I guess is that I am too depressed to even care. I’m glad she is cooking tonight.
@JeanValins did you look up Sam’s speech to Frodo on youtube like Merchaunt suggested? I did… it made me cry, but it does also make me feel stronger and braver.
My work day is almost over…thank god. To top it off work has been hell, we don’t have enough people working here and I typically have a LOT of work…but it was never a problem because I was so fast and efficient. Now that I am barely hanging on to my mind, I am so overwhelmed…I have started making mistakes here and there, not typical for me…
@JeanValins I will try, but I know I’m going to need loads of help. At lunch today I was looking up support group meetings, someone recommended I go and I agree it would be a good idea.
@LilyMoon If you don’t mind my asking, how did it happen that you had your heart broken but your ex was the one who wound up with a restraining order? I feel like the only one in this equation who would have the capacity to end up with one of those is me…@JeanValins all the things you’ve been saying to me have been helpful…even if it doesn’t look like it and I am a pathetic mess. Just knowing someone out there is sitting there keeping me company in all this pain is a huge help. I feel a little bit better right now. I don’t want to be sick anymore…
@JeanValins I’m scared because I do not feel better as each day goes by…instead I have been feeling worse. I am literally counting the minutes right now to my lunch hour so I can go to my car and cry like mad. I have come to see crying like throwing up for the heart and soul. For the first time I do not feel like shopping – and if you could see my credit card bills, that would really really shock you…lol. I don’t want to go anywhere, everywhere I go I think, last time I was here everything was “okay”, at least we were talking, even if it was a fake okay it was better than nothing! I will try to find things to distract me, and I am also taking steps to better myself and my life – I can’t bring myself to exercise right now (even though I am super fit and usually exercise at least an hour a day – I’m just not right now because I’m not eating) and I don’t want to think about hobbies, what I am referring to is deep changes, to myself, seeing a counselor, making amends with people I’ve hurt…I see how all those things are connected and I just want to make it all right…
@JeanValins I am concentrating very carefully at work but it’s so difficult to get things done. Before I realize it I am staring into space. I’ve been at work for almost three hours and I haven’t gotten anything done. It’s scary. I did watch a toilet prank with the volume down and it was funny but now I am back to feeling ill. I am also exhausted because I slept for only four hours but I would almost rather be so tired than at full normal energy, that way maybe I have less capacity to have a panic attack.
I hope the completion of your NC goes well. I hope you will tell me all about it.@JeanValins I have never had this experience where I feel like I am going to throw up from anything I put in my stomach. It is truly horrible. I keep green tea at work so I will try that. I wish I could just take tranquilizers and stay in bed all day long. I wish I didn’t have to work. I feel like everyone can see in my eyes how messed up I am. When does your NC finish?
@JeanValins I will try to watch that on my phone since my work blocks youtube. I am drinking a smoothie that I usually make in the mornings and it just feels like my stomach is closed in a fist. I can’t live with the thought of never talking to him again. I’m scared I’m going to wind up committed to a hospital
Good morning @JeanValins and everyone. I still feel sick this morning. It’s like what I ate last night didn’t digest and it’s just sitting there. I slept super weird again, strange dreams that I cannot remember. I can’t believe I am living this way. I have never been s unable to cope with something in my entire life. I don’t even know what to write this morning. I just feel sick and like I can’t take this anymore.
@JeanValins when you did the NC for 2 weeks was it because you had a fight? Did she try to contact you during that time?
@JeanValins I don’t even care about what my ex said…I actually hope it made him feel better…I would forgive him for anything. I know what it’s like to say things out of anger. I pray that time will help…
@Merchaunt I really pray that he can come to see that. My love for him inspired so much change in me, the last time we fought he said such horrible things and not once did I become angry or say anything back, I just kept pleading with him for us not to fight…I think he was finally taking out on me he ways I had hurt him. He even said that when we had two days of NC previously before that, he was glad I didn’t contact him, that he felt so relieved. That is how I fear he is feeling now, even though I know he was saying a lot of lies out of anger. Like he’s just like good riddance to bad rubbish. I am glad to have witnesses here of how much I love him…
@Merchaunt I truly appreciate your faith in me and my situation. I pray that you are right. This is the first time that we have ever not spoken. I don’t know if he has me blocked…neither of us have Facebook. He did block me on google plus but I think it’s because the fight we had on Monday was about that. I don’t know if he has blocked me on his phone. He said he would but I don’t know how to find out. I have figured out a few ways to reach him just in case but I am so scared that he will just block those as well. He seems like he is through with me yet at the same time he is still so angry and hurt, I can’t imagine why someone like that would not want the person they loved to help them heal from the pain but that is the situation I am in. He is insisting that it is better to just forget me.
We had been talking for several weeks but I accidentally said something that set him off on Monday; it wasn’t even bad but it made me realize how much anger and hurt he had for me that he cannot let go of. I don’t know if he will ever talk to me again. I am so devastated and I feel like I am going to go mad from the pain.
I am going to look those things up on youtube, thank you. Anything else you can suggest to me, feel free, every little bit helps.
@Merchaunt we were together a year…he left me because when we would fight I would say really terrible things…I hurt him so much. Even though I stopped when I said I would stop and I never lost my temper again no matter what he said to me, it was too late and he cannot let go of the hurt I caused him. Now he just wants to forget me, he is too hurt and too scared of me. He is a very anxious person to begin with, he never lets anyone get close to him and I did and then I hurt him so bad. I was his first real girlfriend. I would give anything for just one more chance. But he is now in a complete anger phase and I’m scared he hates me. Meanwhile I just don’t know what to do.
