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@Merchaunt thank you – definitely expect an e-mail soon
@JeanValins I was wondering where you went…how was your day yesterday?I just ate something but my stomach is in knots again…I just want to get out of here…
Good morning to all who come into my little lounge today. It’s Thursday…I am relieved because I have tomorrow off, though my office manager tried to reneg on it this morning. I just looked at her like she was crazy. So, I am looking forward to a four-day weekend to relax and further gather my thoughts and recover.
I think tomorrow I am going to clean everything from top to bottom…my bathroom and my bedroom especially…and do laundry…to at least get rid of the negative energy that has blanketed everything. I am going to clean every square inch of furniture, the floors, everything. Since my appetite is coming back a little I am also going to try to do a bit of exercise… I just have to find different workout DVDs to use because my usual ones all remind me of him and I will die of agony if I see them…
@Merchaunt you are right, it is a transformation… I am glad I am starting to be able to focus at least a little bit on taking care of myself now. First with the shopping list, then later I might try to do something so my life can feel a little more in order, perhaps organize my room a bit. And maybe I can start to focus my mind a bit each day on how I will make this happen, now that I am a little less inconsolable.
I literally feel so lost though. I feel like a tornado took me and dropped me in some foreign land, and I can only stand there and say “what now??”
@Merchaunt that Daft Punk tune is great, I loved it. You needn’t worry, your posts are worth the wait. You really can’t imagine how helpful they are to me.
Today the pain feels different. It has less of a sense of absolute desperation, and more like just genuine, purified pain, the kind that makes you wish you could just stay in bed and sleep. I think I might have french fries for lunch. I usually never eat them, they have too many calories and I am a fanatic about keeping my body in top shape. But that is one good thing, since I am eating next to nothing, I can afford to eat fries and fried chicken and all those terrible things now.
I’m making a shopping list for food that’s really easy and fast to cook. That makes me sad…I usually love to cook, all sorts of amazing, complicated things…I’m quite a good cook…and now I can barely bring myself to cook anything. I have no motivation, I feel like I am watching everything around me collapse.I just miss him so much, and he feels so far away. This morning there was fog around my neighborhood. It reminded me of a joke we shared.
@JeanValins I like what LilyMoon wrote
@Merchaunt and @LilyMoon I have to remind myself the despair in just an illusion…I have to stay strong. It’s just so hard, each day is different and I never know how I am going to feel.
@Merchaunt do not worry if your posts are long…the longer they are, the happier I am. I watched the clip and I feel the same…there is no way I will leave the bridge.
The love really was/is true, I think that is part of what makes this so awful. He is trying to convince himself that he is better off without me even though I believe he knows he is wrong. And he is so angry and hurt because of what he felt for me, what he still feels for me. He is too stubborn to let me help…he says I can’t. It’s like he is killing us.
I used to think that perhaps when he came back, I would be hurt, or angry, and I would hold this against him…but then I realized that isn’t really reconciliation. Reconciliation is for both, and if can forgive me enough to give me one more chance, than I would most definitely forgive him and embrace that chance with my entire soul.
I have to say this board (more specifically my personal space here) has become the most comforting place in these days. I have started to envision it as this sort of small room with those hanging chairs and sofas all arranged in a circle with a table in the middle, and one of those really hairy carpets lol. And maybe some nice plants. And all of you guys who keep me company in here sit in one of the chairs or couches. It’s nice…a nice, safe place.
@LilyMoon I can’t help it. Yeah he had his faults but I was the one who was such a jerk to him until he got tired of it. I can’t even blame him. The guilt is going to kill me. I would give anything to turn back the time. That’s all I want is just one more chance but he is sick of me…
@LilyMoon I have been with complete nutcases before so I know how it is. While the ending of the relationship still hurt, I find it easier to deal with if I am afraid of them or hate them in some way. I wish that was the case here. It would be so much easier. Instead I feel, I know, that this is all my fault.
@JeanValins It’s so awful when they say these terrible things about us. The worst part is that it doesn’t even affect how much I love him, and so it kills me inside. I wish so much sometimes I could hate him so this would all be easier. But I can’t. I just miss him, and I love him completely and helplessly.
@Merchaunt thank you for your persistent hope…I am having such a difficult time right now. I am completely convincing myself that this is going to be impossible, that I am deluded, that he doesn’t want me anymore and hasn’t wanted me anymore for months. I don’t know why today again is so bad. I feel so empty inside, just dead, like I have no heart, or soul. I hate the hopeless negative perception that is haunting me this way. Maybe it’s just the exhaustion of work, and thinking about everything so much…@Merchaunt you are so right. My thoughts do betray me…I sit and truly convince myself that if I don’t bombard him with e-mails, and calls and other insane desperate actions, that he will just forget about me. On some level I am aware of how flawed this is but it’s like I am programmed to believe it.
I am staying away from any place where there are people who say just give up. It upsets me that I have seen people even on these boards saying that to people. That’s why I stay inside here and don’t read or respond to the other threads. Some of the things I see fill me with so much despair I can’t stand it.
I have to remember all the situations I have turned in my favor, that everyone would have said to give up on. I have done it many times. I don’t know how people are so quick to say give up and to instill the cynicism on you. I refuse to have anything to do with that.
I hope you never stop coming to my thread Merchaunt.
@JeanValins I wish I could do the same thing. I just went to my car and cried on the phone to someone…in a way it’s nice when something else goes wrong, because then I can call someone and cry about it and they don’t know that I am really crying because I am hurting so much for my ex. Everyone thinks I am like this because I am overburdened my job…when really it’s that I am overburdened by my job and everything else in my life because I am falling apart.
I am doing this forgiveness exercise where part of it I have to write everything I forgive my ex for…and I got really upset, remembering everything he said. It made me feel so completely hopeless. How can I think I have even a 1% chance after all those things he said to me? I wonder if he even regrets saying that stuff
@JeanValins that is a good idea to plan ahead of time. These situations are so complicated, they can get messed up by the stupidest things…
I wish I knew the magic words to say to my ex, but he is being so next to impossible. I’m so glad today is half over…only two more full work days after this until my long weekend. I am being a little more productive at work but I am still getting buried. I don’t care anymore though. I am sick of doing the work of three people. I am not a machine.@Merchaunt I am glad you are back! You are so right about the movies. Every time I see anyone kissing or any sort of love scene by accident, I want to go crazy. And I know all I am capable of right now, especially right now, is pushing him away because all I feel capable of is crying and begging…
I hope he is affected by Valentine’s Day…in our last conversation I had mentioned I wanted to go out to see a movie with him that day, and he brought it up again two hours later into our conversation, so he was obviously thinking about it. So I hope when that day comes up he thinks of how we could have been together.
I am afraid he doesn’t miss me though…I am afraid all he feels is relief…
But you bring up a great point, one I always remember. HOW many people on this earth are so hurt by their partners, and the partner swears they will change and they NEVER do? And I did change..and I proved it…because when he was insulting me and calling me a parasite and this and that, not once did I retaliate. I admit there was one moment when he used his ex to torment me, that I wanted to say something…but I DIDN’T. I have that self control now and he got to see it. I beat the odds. All you ever hear about is how people never change, especially when it comes to things like that…and I did…it’s like finding a unicorn. I pray every day he will open up his spirit and see that.@JeanValins I don’t understand people who just block us and won’t even listen. I am totally not like that – I give so many chances. As long as the person is apologizing and wants to make an effort to fix things, I’m there. Probably the only thing I would not forgive is physical violence. I have even mended a relationship where there was cheating.
yes of course you should post a new topic of your situation, I am just saying you are also welcome to talk about it in here 🙂@LilyMoon I can’t believe that, that is seriously messed up. He does the dumping and then he threatens you?
@JeanValins I hope she is talking about you and I really hope everything works out. I really look forward to hearing about what happens in your situation. You can write to me about it here in my thread if you want.
I feel like garbage again this morning. I have been sleeping a bit better but as soon as I open my eyes, there is that fist around my stomach again. I hate the mornings, so so much. I miss him more than you can imagine. I picture him going about his day and I just want to cry, I wish I could find him somehow and hug him so tight. 🙁 I just can’t believe this is happening. I’m so scared he will never talk to me again.
