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Thursday…the mornings aren’t so bad anymore, now that I have a new doorway. But I still miss him so much. The road back seems so long, and so treacherous. I won’t let that stop me though. Nothing that is really worth it ever comes easily, does it.
I wish I could go back to exercising daily and doing more things to gain my strength back but I have been so tired…I start falling asleep before 9:00 p.m. It doesn’t help that work has been horrible and exhausting – that is a big obstacle, because when I get agro at work, then I become more prone to slipping into negative thinking. I just wish everyone would leave me the hell alone
@HeatherJane82 Believe me when I say, I know exactly how you feel. If dying of heartache were actually possible, this is how it would be, and we are the closest to it. I couldn’t go to work for two days…I barely ate anything and lost three pounds in just a few days. Any time I did eat something it just sat in my stomach like lead and I felt like I would throw up. I tried to talk to a priest (and I never go to church) and I also tried calling a crisis line but it was after hours… crying hysterically in my car morning noon and night…everything that you describe, the stomach in a constant fist, not sleeping, the constant panic and anxiety, the feeling of not being able to go on…I lived it all. I also do not know why this one affected me this way. I have never experienced anything remotely close to this. All I know is I never want to feel that again.
I definitely believe though it is exacerbated by not talking to anyone. In my case I couldn’t because no one even knew about my relationship plus I didn’t have anyone who would care enough anyway. I thought about seeing a therapist but I knew how that would go. I wasn’t interested in someone telling me to give up and classifying me as this person with non existent coping skills. Keeping busy isn’t the answer when you can’t even think and when all you do is stare off into space thinking about him. Being here though, is the beginning of your recovery…and for starters I hope you will type everything that comes to mind, even if it’s just to say you can’t go on and wish you were dead (I did) and cry until it feels like you can’t anymore…we are always here, especially in my thread here, there will be no talk of giving up. Once you are stabilized you will be able to formulate a plan. I hope you have reached Merchaunt by now…that will be your turning point, believe me.
PS I have cats too…7 of them
@HeatherJane82 my heartbreaks all over again reading what you wrote. I wish I could give you a hug. Please write to Merchaunt and listen to him…he is incredible…
And any time you want to write in my thread please feel free and we will keep each other company. I wish I had good advice but can only hope to comfort you with saying I know exactly how you feel and it’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy 🙁
@JeanValins it takes repetition but I think I am finally learning
@JeanValins You are right I refuse to give up, because there is nothing I have wanted more than what I want right now. And Merchaunt showed me how the impossible can be made possible…you just have to free yourself from the shackles of your mind first…
@JeanValins thank you…and thank you for accompanying me along the way…
@JeanValins I am tired of hurting and I am tired of being weak…I was looking at my ex like this massive unbeatable enemy but not anymore…I remembered he is just a person. And the only way through this is to not let him have that power over me anymore.
I’m going to do this. I don’t care what it takes. I am going to throw that boulder in the road and make him take a U turn right back!
I agree, that is a good letter. It doesn’t sound needy or desperate…it sounds just right. I’m no expert but that is my opinion anyway. Feel free to post on my thread if you ever need company
@JeanValins that is what I am trying to do…I am trying to immerse myself with things that remind me of a time when I didn’t know him yet…it has been difficult but a very small part of me is starting to remember my own identity. You know what…I just had an idea…I am going to go back to trying to learn Greek…that should keep my mind busy…
@JeanValins I know what you mean, I am struggling with that myself. I have a DVD on to distract myself, it is sort of working. I am going to finally clean my bathroom and do some laundry in a bit. But the thoughts keep spinning in my head…
@JeanValins I am on the long road with you…no matter how complicated or impossible things might seem we have to believe in ourselves…it’s the only way to get through this
@JeanValins what is going on with your ex, have you had any more contact with her?
@JeanValins that is great… I want to get to the point where I feel powerful. Right now I am still in so much pain, and I think mostly I am just really traumatized. I wish I could understand why my ex affected me so much…I don’t want him to have this power over me anymore. I hope we can take this journey together and figure this out about ourselves
@JeanValins I can honestly say miracles can happen when you least expect them, you never know what is just around the corner. never stop believing in yourself…and like Libertine said listen to Merchaunt!
