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Yes… my head has been seriously messing with me since Monday. My thoughts are betraying me. I let myself become vulnerable to them. This morning I woke up an hour before I had to and couldn’t get back to sleep because my stomach was in the fist. I can’t be this weak – I can’t be a hair away from breaking down and begging or I will go right back to the same problems. It’s hard but I have to keep training.
I think I’m going to make a youtube channel full of stuff to keep me on the right track.
@Mj riding through wave after wave of panic quietly. Not fun. How about you?
Sometimes the road seems so long and impossible… have to keep moving forward though. Even if it’s just an inch at a time
If you panic, you sabotage yourself…emotions and hysteria take over and you can’t think clearly, you can’t see clearly, and you just totally lose control in a situation where the one thing you need is control. Of yourself and of the situation. Zombies also think it’s pretty funny… don’t click the link if you don’t like zombies
Don’t let the zombies make fun of you because you panicked
@Mj it’s true. The last time we got into that huge fight, the one that led me here and we weren’t even talking anymore, was because I panicked. But back then, I also had no one – no one to talk to, no one to help me stay in control. Now everything is different. I am not screwing up again
Happy Friday to all. It will soon be the weekend which I hope means a lot of us can rest, relax and recuperate. I had a bad day yesterday and when I woke up this morning, my heart was pounding. I didn’t sleep very well even though I drank sedative tea. I panicked…panic is bad, I keep saying that but I fall victim to it also unfortunately. I let my head create illusions and hear horrible thoughts, and even though nothing has changed, I fall into this black hole and it feels like everything has exploded. It is just an illusion…I have to remember…just like when people have panic attacks and truly believe they are going to die, it is just an illusion just like that. Chemicals flooding your brain and body and going crazy. It will go away and everything will feel okay again if you just hang on.
Does anyone remember that game show where they would sit someone in a chair in the middle of the stage and expose them to all kinds of insane stressors very close to their faces and bodies – giant flames, snakes, etc. And something was measuring their heart rate, and if it went above a certain rate, they lost? That is the sort of mastery of self control I aspire to…
Also I don’t know if anyone here has seen that old scary movie Creepshow…it is an anthology and there is a segment about a super rich mean guy who finds out his wife is having an affair, so he buries both of them clean up to their necks in sand at the seashore and leaves them to be drowned by the tide. But first he taunts the guy saying, if you don’t panic, if you can hold your breath…maybe just maybe the tide will set you free. If you panic you can’t hold your breath…if you panic you can’t do much of anything…more things to remember…don’t panic…
@Mj with…definitely with…
Missing him a lot today. Sometimes it just knocks me down like a wave… if you’ve ever been knocked over by a wave you know what I mean
@Mj I think perceiving your life in such a fashion is quite healthy, actually… we shouldn’t allow someone to have so much power over us that our lives are literally crippled without them… that is what happened to me, and I’m never letting it happen again
@JeanValins I will send you an email
@tighem that’s exactly it…it’s interesting when you discover how much your own thoughts just trip you up…you have to rise above them@JeanValins that sucks…anything new going on with your situation?
@ryan94 I am very complimented that someone would say they got hope from me…thank youEvery day I force myself to have tunnel vision, I focus so hard on the outcome that it’s all I can see…and everything else becomes insignificant…
One time I experienced actual tunnel vision. When I got my molars extracted…they gave me nitrous gas. They turn it on and they leave you there to get all messed up on it before they pull your teeth. This one particular time everything around me shrank into this tiny pinpoint in the distance, creating a tunnel effect…like I was looking at my dentist crystal clear through a tiny pin hole far away and everything else was just this abstract swirling pattern all around. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s the best way I can possibly describe it.
Anyway that is how my daily life has become…I just stare at that pin hole of light at the end like it’s all that matters. I can see everything else in my peripheral vision swirling around, all the doubts, fears, questions…and if I ever look at them directly it’s scary…so I just focus on the pin hole and the longer I do, the more those other things begin to fade and become just background noise. It gets a tiny bit easier each dayGood morning all…it’s Wednesday, one day closer to the weekend. Sat around in a Pep Boys parking lot last night until 10:30 p.m. getting a flat tire repaired, and had Popeye’s chicken which was delicious. Tonight should be a normal, relaxing night so I think finally, finally, I will begin to exercise again. I’m probably so out of shape already…it’s been almost one month… I try to look at it like I was recovering from a terrible injury…which I was…but one from which I have come out a lot stronger than I used to be
Anyone around today?
@tighem thank you for that uplifting message…I am actually going to copy and paste it somewhere to re-read when I am feeling down. It certainly sounds very accurate…but it’s just so unstable and scary. Couple that with all my memories of how we used to be, and everything feels so far away. I’m glad all of you are here to help me keep my head above water.
@JeanValins that is sort of what I am doing…just going along with what he says…I don’t really have any other choice and anyways, his actions contradict everything he says. BTW I cleaned a lot more yesterday, did a bunch of laundry and cleaned the bathroom and tub…tonight I am going to go home and clean the kitchen…it helps me get into a power position when everything is clean and organized
@tighem I highly recommend it…and please feel free to come in my thread and chat with me, any time. It helps us all to support each other.@tighem not to worry, everything you’ve said is relevant…and I always appreciate the company. You’re right about how having a plan is what helps one to feel better. That’s what I focus on, more and more each day. At first my mind would swirl with all these doubts, questions and insecurities…now the moment I feel them creeping in I just squash them. You have to keep on believing anything is possible because it is. Everything will fall into place in an unexpected and special way – I let that fill me up until I feel like it’s a magnet pulling in energy from everywhere.
Yesterday I dragged myself to the market pretty much for the sole intention of buying bananas for my morning smoothie blends. I went close to closing time…all the bananas there were solid green, making it pointless to buy any. I was so disappointed. I went about and picked up a couple of things…then after I put something back I passed by the fruit section again – one of the stock guys had opened a box and was hanging up clusters of perfect yellow bananas. Happy, I took a bunch and went to the cashier.
That is going to be the metaphor of my life
Hey guys…this weekend I laid around and did pretty much nothing. It was nice in a way. I’m trying to be kind to myself.
@HeatherJane82 I can’t remember how I came across it, but I wanted to ask…do you know if maybe your ex was a narcissist? I was reading this forum over the weekend where people who had been involved with narcissists were talking about all the things they had been promised, and then they were just discarded. It made me remember the things you said. Maybe look into it – it would be a good starting point.I hate my situation but I often think how awful it would be to be like the many stories I read where people say the relationship was awesome, they never fought etc. and their mate just dumped them out of the blue. It must be so confusing and horrible.
@JeanValins how are you doing?? I’ve only been away a couple of days and it feels like forever…
