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I just got back from seeing her and unfortunately it didn’t go as expected.
We went for some food first and it was all going great i.e. we were constantly laughing and joking and we held hands in a playful way a few times.
When we got into the cinema and the movie started. I tried a number of times to hold hands again and initiate contact but her body language was very closed off i.e. not leaning towards me, folding her arms etc. so I didn’t push it too far.
Afterwards as I walked her to her car I decided to give her a kiss goodnight but she moved her face to the side and told me to “calm down”. At this point I told her I was finding it very difficult to go from what we had before to being just friends as I still wanted to be with her but she just looked at me said sorry and left.
I got home to a text she had sent me basically saying sorry for giving me the wrong impression and that she didn’t want to mess with my emotions but if / when I was ready to be friends with her then to get in touch and to take care.
I gave her a call instead of texting back and in a very calm way apologised for trying to kiss her and told her that I was still holding on to what we had before and I did still have feelings for her and it was very hard not to want to hold her hand and kiss after being so intimate together but that I also didn’t want to lose her as a friend so I would still like to keep spending time with her.
She said she still cared about me too and was glad that I called as she felt a lot better knowing I wasn’t upset. She also said that a relationship with me or anyone right now just wasn’t what she wanted but she enjoyed spending time with me and suggested that we should do something soon like watch a movie at hers or go for a walk again.
I honestly feel very rejected at this point and also feel like I am wasting my time. I’ve given her months to change her mind but she just doesn’t seem to want to get back together with me and in the meantime I am sat here in the friend zone hearing about all of the parties she has been to and the new people she is hanging out with. So whilst I’m glad I’m back in her life and she is asking me to do things with her again I can’t help but feel jealous that she is single and free to meet someone else at any point whilst I am just her friend. It goes against every principle I have ever had towards relationships.
Should I just walk away at this point and try and find someone who actually wants a relationship with me or do I keep spending time with her in the hope that she is just confused and will magically start to feel love and attraction to me again?
Thanks again for replying! I invited her to the cinema after heading your advice and even though I still only got a short message back she said yes and seemed really excited about going so things are looking positive!
It’s very strange after being so intimate with someone for such a long time to be worried about something as small as just holding hands but cancer has changed her in a lot of ways and we have been apart for a few months as well so I knew it was always going to be difficult to get back on track.
The rejection of the breakup is still in the back of my mind so I’m obviously worried about her seeing this as nothing more than two friends meeting up as well but I will just have to try my best to flirt with her and try to get more physical and see how she reacts.
I’ll let you know how things work out 🙂
Sorry for not replying to your last post. I did read it and the responses you gave were very helpful but I just couldn’t see anyway to move past her short text messages and extremely limited contact so I decided to just completely leave her alone and try and move on… however it hasn’t been that easy. It’s a long post so please bare with me.
Shortly after thanks giving in early December, I got a text message from her saying that she had been giving me space so that I could do my own thing (which I now know means dating). We had a few very short conversations in the following weeks that were always initiated by her but I could never get things going past short replies and on one occasion I sent her message that she read and didn’t reply to for days. She later apologised for this but after 2 years of her never not replying it still upset me.
It was at this point I decided to completely give up any hope. Partly because of waiting for a reply all week and also because on the same day she posted a few things on Facebook making it very obvious she was now single which effected me quite badly especially seeing men comment on it, but confusingly she also posted the same photo as before of her in my house with the gift I had bought her which has comments on it about us being together that she hasn’t removed.
Around this time my mother had also sent her a Christmas card and a short letter just saying that everyone was missing her including me. She replied to her via text saying that she missed me too but she was giving me space so I could find someone that could give her all of the things she couldn’t. This really changed my mindset about why she had been so distant with me and it was nice to know that she missed me too but I still decided it was best to leave things and move on.
On Christmas Eve out of the blue she sent me another text message basically just saying that she hoped I had a nice time with my family but seemed more friendly than she had been. I was feeling quite emotional about her that day because we spent last Christmas together so I decided to just be honest and tell her that I had been thinking about her a lot and that I missed all of the things we used to enjoy doing together and in a jokey way told her that I would find it hard to meet anyone like her again.
During this conversation she suggested that we meet up soon so on boxing day after waking up feeling very lonely and missing her more than ever. I asked her if she wanted to go hiking over Christmas whilst we were both off work. She said she was already very busy but suggested a couple of dates in early Jan which unfortunately I couldn’t make so I suggested coffee instead.
Anyway to my complete surprise on Saturday morning (28th) she sent me a message asking if I was free that day to go for a walk and have a coffee together afterwards. I met her at her house and she was a totally different person that than one I had met in November. Much more like her old self when we were together, she seemed really happy to see me and she even got me a birthday present that she had brought back from her trip in October!
We spent almost the whole day together and we were both constantly laughing and joking with each other. She just seems to be much more happy now than she was a couple of months ago. We had a coffee together at her house afterwards and it was nice but there was no flirting from her again and I wasn’t getting any signs that she was attracted to me so I’m still not sure if she sees me as just a friend or if she is still feeling self conscious about her self. The last thing I wanted to do after getting so far was to be too forward and ruin a really nice day together so even though more than anything I wanted to hold her like I used to I knew that she would have to make the first move if she wanted to.
We left things with a hug and I kissed her on the cheek but this time she was smiling as I left so I told her not to be a stranger. Yesterday morning I texted her thanking her for my presents and that I really enjoyed spending the day with her. She replied saying she had a really good time too and it was good to see me so I told her that I hoped I would see her again soon.
The whole thing has left me confused about what I want and what she wants but as it went so well I am thinking of asking her to go to the cinema later this week as I know that there is a movie she would like to go and see and it’s more of a date activity but I am wondering if I should leave her alone to think about things now and wait for her to initiate again now?
The only thing that makes me think I should start being more forward is if I didn’t ask her to go for a walk on boxing day I never would have seen her two days later and the last thing I would want is to not ask her out then find out she had started dating someone else who wasn’t overthinking everything so much!
I just wanted to post an update and get some further advice.
As stated in my last post my ex-girlfriend seemed very positive about meeting up initially but after I sent her a message to arrange a time and date she said she was feeling stressed about meeting me because after the text I sent before she went away, she thought I was going to try and convince her to get back together and she had decided that she was happy to be on her own.
I told her that I did still have feelings for her and that I was hoping she would have changed her mind whilst she was away but that I just wanted to catch up, and that I didn’t want her completely out of my life even if it was just as friends. This was on the Monday and we agreed to meet on the Saturday so I sent her a quick text on the Friday night to see if she was still ok to meet up for a coffee and we shared a few jokes so it all seemed very positive.
When we met in person the next day, things felt very different however, she was chatty and smiling but very closed off with her body language and there was no flirting or even the slightest compliment from her side. I’m not sure if it was towards me or just life in general considering she has been through so much with the cancer this year, but between the jokes and stories from her trip she seemed to be quite resentful and cold. We went for a coffee and after that she suggested that we go for lunch as well so in total we spent about 3 hours together, but I felt at times I was with a different person. It had only been 5 weeks since I had last seen her but she seems to have changed so much. She mentioned a few things that I think were aimed at making me jealous but not the extent that she was trying to be mean, I think it was more just her trying to let me know she was getting on with her life. As we were both leaving I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek but I didn’t feel anything back from her, it is as though all the love has gone and she had detached from me emotionally.
I sent her a text afterwards telling her it was great to see her and that it would be good to do something again in the future. She replied back but it was very brief and when I tried to carry on the conversation I just got a very short replies. Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone into no contact now because I feel like we lost the connection during the time she was away and that she possibly feels like I abandoned her or possibly she started talking to someone else online, so it’s definitely something to consider for anyone else that might be reading this.
As you can probably imagine the whole thing didn’t go as I had wanted. I didn’t expect to get back together but I had hoped she would be a bit more of her old self and that there would at least be some flirting that I could build on over time. One of the hardest things was hearing about the all of the things she had done and is going to be doing in the future without me and as much as I tried to drop some hints, there wasn’t even the slightest suggestion of any plans for us to do anything together in the future.
The Friday afterwards (last Friday) I got a text from her randomly, it just an inside joke but I hadn’t expected to hear anything again so I replied and we had a brief conversation but it was very difficult and she didn’t really seem to want to follow up on anything. The next day she changed her social media pictures to one that was taken in my house holding a gift that I had given to her. (I’m trying not to read too much into this, as might be that she really likes that photo.)
Since then we have texted a couple of times and I sent her a happy thanksgiving message today but every time she just replies with very short messages without any real follow up. Maybe this is partly my fault as I do feel awkward asking too many questions, as I don’t want to seem like I’m checking up on her or trying to find out what she has been up without me. So I’m wondering if she feels the same way? Or perhaps she is just getting on with her life and simply just doesn’t care what I’m doing anymore.
I am still very much in love with this woman so it’s proving very difficult for me accept that she has fallen out of love with me in the space of five weeks, especially after all the great times we spent together and after growing so close whilst going through the cancer treatment this year, but as we are hardly even communicating anymore, is it time for me to give up and start thinking about meeting someone else?
Hi again,
I just thought I would give you an update on my situation. My ex arrived back on Wednesday and I was waiting for her to get in touch but I decided to go ahead and text her this morning as I know how stubborn she is and some of things she had posted on social media gave me the impression she was hinting for me to reach out.
The good news is after asking how her trip was, in her first reply back she asked me to meet her next week for a coffee and a catch up. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much at this point as I’m pretty sure she still just wants to be friends but at least it shows that she wants to see me and we are back in contact again, so it’s definitely a step in the right direction.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last four weeks and I know now the mistake I made made previously was to try and pretend nothing had changed in the relationship after she went through the cancer treatment, and unfortunately that caused me to put pressure on her to be back to her old self again straight away. We were also both completely wiped out emotionally before we went away but now that she has had time with her family and we have both had a chance to reset, I am hoping that even if we do start off as friends in time it will be enough to grow into a relationship together again.
I’ll let you know how things go!
@patricia12 Hi, yes i did I’m not sure what happened to it though! 🙂
I just wanted to thank you again for your comments and for putting things into perspective. You are right, three weeks isn’t a very long time. I think it feels longer because for the last two years I have been used to seeing or speaking with her everyday so I am really feeling a hole in my life right now but every day seems to be getting easier. I just had a bit of a panic yesterday so I’m glad for your advice.
You are also right in saying I shouldn’t have told her to think about us whilst she was away and to make a decision about a date. I was trying to make it clear I didn’t want to just be friends when she got back, but it was controlling and it probably added stress to her trip that she didn’t need. I did apologise to her for this and the way it came across in a later text, so hopefully this helped remove any negative emotions that were attached to it.
I think it’s clear from your post that what I really need to work on right now, is patience and to stop putting timescales on everything. I know it’s going to be difficult especially knowing she is back home again but I said I would wait and I don’t want to break that trust. So I will take your advice and wait as long it takes for her to feel ready to reach out to me again.
Hopefully all the time we have spent together and the fact that she still loves me will be enough for her to get in touch and give us a second chance. It might be further in the future than I was expecting or would like but I can’t imagine being with anyone else so I am willing to give her the space as she needs to figure things out and I’ll continue to work on becoming a better person in the meantime.
Thanks again for your help 🙂
@patricia12 Thanks again for replying!
I was feeling very anxious this morning unfortunately. I think I had it in my mind that if the photos of us together were still on her Facebook page, then she hadn’t really made her mind up about the break up and it wasn’t final. So when they disappeared today I went into panic mode especially as a lot of single guys were liking her new photos, but I went for a long walk earlier and I’m feeling a bit calmer now – luckily I didn’t do anything stupid in the meantime 🙂
I am going to patient and wait for her to contact me first as planned, hopefully it will be at some point towards the end of next week and it will all work out from there but I’ll let you know how it goes.
Thanks again.
Hi again. I am back from my trip now and I need some more advice if possible.
Whilst I was away everything was going great. I was feeling better about things, I had an amazing vacation on my own and I hardly thought about my ex during the trip at all, but now I am back I can’t get her off my mind again and because of something quite small that happened today it’s sent me back to square one and left me feeling like getting back together is becoming less and less likely. I am probably over analysing everything right now but I’ll outline what has happened below and it would be great if you can let me know what you think?
Whilst I was away on my trip I posted quite a lot of photos on instagram. Photos of me hiking and the places I was going and generally just me enjoying myself. My ex liked every single post. Not just one or two but literally every one of them which obviously I took as a good sign but other than that no messages or any other contact from her at all.
She is now quite near the end of her trip also and for the first two weeks she hadn’t posted anything anywhere on social media but over the last few days she has been posting a lot, definitely more than usual on both Instagram and Facebook, generally just looking very happy and having a good time plus lots of selfies of her smiling and looking very attractive.
What has really sent me into a spiral of depression however is the fact she has removed the pictures of us together from her Facebook profile. I suppose I thought if she still had photos of us two together she hadn’t really moved on but now they are gone it feels like she has accepted the breakup and that she is ready to have a life without me.
I am really glad that she looks so happy in her new photos because I know she hasn’t been feeling very confident about herself recently so the fact that she is posting so many means that she must be feeling better about herself but I am worried that by removing the photos of us two she is basically sending a message to me and everyone else on social media that she is single again and that I am no longer part of her life anymore.
She gets back from her trip next week which means by the time she arrives home we won’t have been in contact for over 22 days. A big part of me thought that she would message me on her return to ask about my vacation and tell me all about what she has been up to, but the photos disappearing from Facebook has really shaken my confidence that I will hear from her again.
I am reading far too much into this or does this indicate that our chance of reconciliation are becoming less likely? Should I reach out to her at some point next week or should I wait for her to contact me first like I said I would?
Thanks in advance.
@patricia12 Thanks again for replying.
She is away for three weeks visiting family. We were supposed to go on the trip together before the breakup so it’s been quite hard hearing her talk about planning the trip and telling me all about the things she would be doing whilst away.
I haven’t shown this to her however as I didn’t want her to feel guilty for not taking me along and I really do think the space will do us good. One of the reasons I want her back is because she is a genuinely nice person and if anything she has been trying to play down any of the fun aspects of the trip because she knew how much I was looking forward to it.
I haven’t had any time off from work this year due to everything that’s been going on, so I have planned my seven day solo trip to start next week which will be a good distraction and mean that less than a week after I get back she will also return home. I need it for myself but I also think it will help to show her that I am still the independent man that she met and fell in love with and that my whole life doesn’t revolve around her (which I must admit has been the case recently due to her being ill) and I know now that this has probably made her feel trapped and smothered.
The good news is I am feeling a lot better about things today and even though I still hope we can get back together, I am also coming to terms with the fact that she may just have too much to deal with to be in a relationship right now and if that’s the case I will just have to respect her decision and know that at least I tried my best to keep her and that I told her how I was feeling when I had the chance.
If we do meet up again however, I will be sure to take your advice and let her take the lead in saying things like “I have missed you” and “I love you” first so she doesn’t feel any kind of pressure from me to have those feelings or to say it back. I want her to want to be with me, not feel like I have given her an ultimatum which is why I am also going to wait for her to initiate contact.
Thankyou so much for your help with this, it’s been really helpful to write things down and get another persons feedback on the situation!
@patricia12 Thankyou replying to my post and giving me such an insightful response.
I’m really pleased to hear that you think we have a chance of getting back together, she is a very stubborn woman and not one to change her mind easily. But as she still loves me I’m hoping that her decision to break up relates more to the changes she has gone through both emotionally and physically this year, and not anything I did wrong. She will be spending lots of time with family and friends in the next few weeks so if this is what she has been missing recently then she will have this time to herself to experience it.
Looking back over what has happened almost a week on. I don’t regret telling her how much she meant to me before she went away, because like you said I was being honest and as I have felt in limbo for weeks (especially with all of the mixed messages). I think I was worried if I didn’t say something soon I would slip further and further into the friendzone.
I think you are right however in saying that she probably already knew this and me telling her that I could no longer just spend time with her as a friend (especially after things were progressing quite well) was probably more than she could deal with and maybe it did come across as an ultimatum which has caused her to feel pressured and push me away again.
Fortunately after I apologised in my last text, I didn’t give her any kind of timescale in which to get back to me. It upset me a lot to hear that she was feeling sick with worry every time that she saw a message from me, so after the year she has had, with or without me in her life I honestly just want her to be happy which is why I have left it completely in her hands as to when / if she gets back in touch with me.
I know it’s going to be very difficult not to want to message her, it’s only been 5 days so far and I already feel guilty for not checking if she landed safely on the way to her trip, and to make sure she is ok. So I’m glad I put her in control of the situation, and I think she will appreciate it as well. Hopefully she will miss me enough whilst she is away to contact when she returns, and in the meantime I can continue to work on myself, go on my first solo vacation and hopefully become the confident, positive and ultimately more patient person she needs in her life right now.
I will keep you updated on my progress!
