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He undeniably started acting this way just after my friend came, or as he was around. If that wasn’t the case, I’d have literally zero evidence or reason to support the idea that he’s been jealous and his subsequent actions have been due to that. He has never once outright said that he’s jealous, so I have technically been operating off of an assumption. This assumption is based on the timing, the fact that over the course of that week my friend was here that he asked me if he was staying with me/for how long/if he’d left yet/etc., how he insisted on coming here versus me going there, all of that jazz. I can kid myself about a lot of things, but the timing is not one of them. The timeline for when this weirdness began is solid.
I think in this case, there’s really nothing else to do but talk to him. I’ve finally held myself in limbo for too long. If he really has been jealous and feeling like he needs to move on because I have, then me communicating my feelings clearly should help remedy that. If he was never jealous (just acting weird) or he’s actually serious about this girl, I need to move on anyways. NC is just not cutting it for me in terms of taking care of myself. I have always had clean breaks. They have always been painful, but they’ve been clean. There was no ambiguity. This has been nothing but ambiguous and I have to clear it up. I can’t take care of myself properly with the ambiguity and being around him a ton. And if after all of this he’s still convinced that he doesn’t want to be with me or has no feelings for me, despite me knowing for sure that he does, then what’s the point? He’s living in a state of delusion and someone needs to be blunt with him to try and make everything clear. To get him out of his head and into talking. And if I can’t do that now, I won’t be able to do it until he decides to on his own. And any relationship he has will be doomed anyways because the second he actually has to emotionally commit to this girl or consider a relationship with her or do something other than get an ego boost and an excuse to feel like he’s one of “the bros” like he’s never been before, he’s going to freak out again.
All of this being said, and as much as I’m working to shoot down any hope I have so I won’t be totally damaged tomorrow if things don’t work out, there’s one other thing that’s really struck me about our conversation last night via text about meeting up, and how that relates to his seriousness for her. I asked him if he was working a double today and he told me yes. I asked him to let me know when he got home if that was possible, as I “need to drop by and I would rather not do that unannounced”. He responded by telling me he would let me know and that “if I wanted”, I could come over that morning before he heads to work instead. Based on this, it’s safe to say he’s letting me come over with absolutely no idea what’s going on, yes? For all he knows, I could be hoping to kick him in the balls or set his apartment on fire. This leads me to wondering: If someone were in a new relationship or really into the new person they’re seeing, don’t you think they’d have more questions as to what this is about/why I “need to drop by”? Particularly if you’re trying to avoid giving off the wrong impression to me as to what our relationship is like? And even outside of wanting to know what it’s about, if you really feel dedicated/committed to that person or feel like it has the potential for a strong future, do you think someone would even allow them to come over? Particularly late at night and to their apartment. Admittedly, he has a history of staying friendly with exes and not trying to shut them out completely. I mean, he’d talk to his ex a little in the beginning of us dating. Like the very beginning. But he outright told her once that it’s a little awkward to be talking to her while he was also talking to me. He was uncomfortable communicating with his ex while communicating with a new girl. So doesn’t this whole thing seem slightly suspect or sketch if he’s like 100% into her or over me? Like, if he is genuinely wanting to be with her and see where this goes and what not?
I’m probably overthinking things. Just a thought.
Wow, harsh much? As it turns out, the ex doesn’t appear to be a threat. I trained her all day, she was amicable almost the entire time, and told me her summer job that she originally had planned had fallen behind on everyone’s paperwork and she needed to get working so she asked my ex to help her find a job, as she knows they’ll hire just about anyone. The day wasn’t bad with her at all.
That being said, one of my coworkers said the night before (Monday), she’d seen him out at the bars with his buddies for one of their 21sts. They apparently had a girl with them who seems to be into him, and he introduced her to my coworker and had his arm around her for a bit. My coworker said he looked really spooked and like he’d been caught when he knew he’d been seen, and like he kind of started freaking about the whole thing. She didn’t have much else to report, as she was pretty drunk after that and said none of them stayed very long.
I’d seen my counselor earlier yesterday, before I went to work, and she told me I’d finally hit a point where she thinks that I need to talk to him. Not only that, but if I really want to try and reconcile things and work it out, I need to admit all of my feelings and stop playing games. She said it obviously may not work, as nothing is ever guaranteed in life. And that yes, it’d technically unfair that I should have to step up versus him. But we’re at a standstill and someone has to break it. She also told me to put myself in his shoes. To imagine I had told him I was going on a date and then picture him saying nothing and not talking to me for two weeks. To imagine how I’d feel. And I knew I’d feel ignored and upset and like things hadn’t worked out how I’d wanted them to, even if it wasn’t fair of me to expect a reaction once I’d said that. She told me that from her perspective, he was jealous and upset and he expected me to try and reconcile things once I heard someone else might be in the picture. And once I didn’t react, he decided to go for it because he really had nothing to lose anymore.
I know I probably won’t get any kind of positive outcome, and anyone reading this will tell me I’m crazy and that she isn’t a rebound, I need to move on, etc. People are not likely to agree with my counselor or think we should have a big talk, as that’s not how the rules of this website work. But in this case, NC honestly has seemed to do more harm than good for me. I don’t think this system ever should’ve been applied for my case and I’m hoping that I can still salvage something even though I’ve ignored him for the last two and a half weeks.
I guess I’m just wondering what people think I should say to him or make sure to include. And how this truly looks from a rebound vs. not rebound standpoint. His weird behavior and distance didn’t start until my guy friend was here, and before that we were still hanging out and happy and he was going out of his way to spend time with me. After his first initial freak out, and my lack of reassurance or lack of real reaction, he still initiated plans and wanted to be around me. The timing just doesn’t make sense to me if this is a legitimate relationship versus a way to cope, but I guess I just need to talk to someone about it.
Well, things got worse/weirder since I last updated even yesterday. I’m at a 510% loss here.
I’m about 99% sure that his old crazy ex got hired to work at our restaurant yesterday, and will start today. If not, it’s an insane coincidence because her resume was on my boss’ desk (we have to use his printer to print menus, I’m not THAT big of a snoop) and she instagrammed about how she had a job interview and starts the following day.
The only thing I can think of is that she name dropped him or the fact that if someone who is employed recommends an employee and they last three months, they get a $100 bonus. So if he thinks she’ll last, maybe he recommended it to her. That would still mean he encouraged her though. I genuinely don’t know what purpose it would serve or how it’d help anything at all if they are involved. It would do nothing but cause me pain (and he did say he was trying to the right thing), it would mean he’s dating an ex he has sworn to me a million times over he would never date or be interested in again, it would mean he’s making the mistake of working with someone he’s dating again, and I know a lot of our friends/coworkers would lose a ton of respect for him/not make things any easier on an initial relationship because they have my back.
If she got hired in the restaurant, it’s not even guaranteed or likely they’d work together much. And they’d work together all the time for like twelve hour shifts if she got hired in events, which sees like a bit much. The whole thing makes no sense from that stand point. But even if they’re not interested in each other or dating, I don’t know why he’d do this. I don’t know how they could suddenly be good enough friends that they’d want that kind of relationship. I suppose she could just be insanely desperate and he could be trying to just be the best human being possible to everyone, but I don’t know. And I don’t know how he could possibly think I’d be comfortable or happy with this. Like, if he cares about me at all, why do it? Unless he’s really trying to get a rise or reaction out of me, I don’t see it, and even then it’d be insanely immature. I literally asked him one time if he could not tell her to apply here when she quit her job and he promised me he wouldn’t. It just doesn’t make sense from either angle. I don’t see them doing this if they’re dating especially because our coworkers would probably crucify them. But it seems like a bit much if they aren’t.
Sorry for the huge stream of consciousness post. I’m just really at a loss here. Going to work is hard enough to do without overanalyzing things most days anyways. This is just going to make it even more difficult. Most of my friends/fellow board members think it’s likely just him doing a friend a solid and that I need to just breathe, things will still be okay today, and I’m still on the right track. That just feels so insanely optimistic to me, even if them being romantic makes zero sense in my head.
Hey Oshi!
Things have happened, but I can’t say any of it is really definite progress. Today is officially day sixteen of no contact, so I’m over the halfway hump. I don’t feel like I’ve really made a ton of progress in feeling better or being over him, but I am trying to improve my actions, so who does. At a bare minimum, I’ve had the self-restraint to not contact him, save for one text message yesterday that was genuinely 100% necessary (multiple board members and friends agreed).
We didn’t see each other or talk for an entire week before I was forced to see him via work. He spent that week being short and kind of cold, keeping it to work, and giving me what mostly seemed like kind of sheepish or sad/forced smiles. Other than that, he’d walk right by me or not pay much attention to me. He really only seemed to interact with me whatsoever when he knew without a doubt that I’d respond or be paying attention to him. I saw him at work occasionally while he was there for two events that week, and we were in the restaurant together for maybe two hours on one shift that he was very cranky and tired. During one of the events, he seemed to go out of his way to try and find reasons to be in proximity to me. I pretty much said this all before, but there’s the brief recap.
The second week hasn’t necessarily been better, just different. He has been a fair amount more talkative, though it’s really only been about work, other than, “How’s it going?” and “When do you get off?” He seems to have less of a problem being in close proximity to me, in that he’ll come up to the hostess station when I’m there, work on the same tables or those near me, we’ve even been right next to each other or brushed briefly. He smiles at me much bigger when he catches my eye at work, and goes out of his way to look at me when he doesn’t have to. I also can’t say for sure but when he was on the wedding on Saturday, he spent a lot of time passing through my part of the building, a part that is absolutely nowhere near anything needed for events of that kind. All of this being said, we still haven’t really had any kind of talk and he hasn’t stepped up yet or anything. His crazy ex is still being crazy and she requested him on facebook, which he accepted. I also got stuck at work yesterday until someone could give me a ride, which could potentially take hours. Long story short, I was off at 4 pm and got stuck there until 11 because my ex and another coworker took off at 8 without offering me a ride. In all technicality, both my bosses and the other coworker have said they had no idea I needed one or the coworker/my ex would’ve offered to get me home. It just seems odd to think that I could’ve still been there after work and they’d think it had to do with anything other than needing a ride home. Who knows though? My ex said he felt absolutely terrible and that no one had told him.
My hope is to continue my next two weeks of NC and then possibly talk to him. I won’t rush it if it still doesn’t feel like the right time, but general consensus among my friend/board members I talk to outside of here is that things seem to gradually be getting better and my absence seems to be having an effect on him. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but there definitely was a noticeable difference in his behavior between the first two weeks. I guess I’m just afraid that he’s being more social and peppy not because he’s missing me and he finally gets to see me, but because he’s getting over it and he really does have someone. I just feel like I’d have heard about it more or seen them by now if that were the case. I don’t know.
How is your situation going?
Everything kaila has said is 110% true and spot on. Listen to her in this situation, and you’ll go far.
Making the world’s longest story short, we’ve been broken up nine weeks. He ended it after I essentially called him out on some minor emotional manipulation and not following through on something he’d insisted on doing. Since then, there’s been lots of contact. Most not initiated by me. He’s run errands for me, taking care of me, insisted on driving me places because I don’t have a car, cooked for me, had me over, seen me (i.e. essentially been on a date) in public, helped me find our missing cat, texted me nonstop, etc. Lots of good signs. At the current moment, I’m on day nine of NC. I only chose to initiate it after I had an old male friend who I hadn’t seen in years stopped to visit for a couple days while on a long road trip. I technically have no official confirmation as he won’t own up to it, but I’m fairly sure my ex was really hurt and threatened by this situation, and essentially lied to me to make me jealous and hurt like he did. He said he was going on a date, even though that’s literally not really possible in his circumstances. He then followed it up with a bunch of texts apologizing and trying to get a reaction out of me, to which I haven’t replied. Nothing has been said since and I’ve only seen him once, as we work together. He seemed very thrown and confused by my confidence and happiness, talked some but minimally, and spent half his time ignoring me while the rest was flat out spent keeping an eye on me and following me around a bit. That’s really where we’re at. I want him back but feel I have to take his words at face value, even if I know they’re bogus.
If all of this advice is based on women and how they react to things or what they expect, then how does this apply to men or become translatable when trying to get one of them back?
My question for you is this: Why do you think he’s apathetic? I’m not saying he isn’t. I’m just saying that when I read what you just wrote to me, apathetic is not the word that automatically comes to mind. And I want to know if I’m missing something about this story/how he acted that truly makes him seem apathetic, or if you’re just worrying and stuck in the middle too much.
No offense, kaila, but I’m really missing the point of your post. The first two sentences seem supportive and like a good reminder to me, if not a little obvious. Obvious is good though, as most people (myself included) seem to have a hard time remembering the obvious when they’re in crisis mode. That being said, I’m also missing where it was necessary to get up on your high horse and say that overanalyzing things will get me nowhere or that I’m being controlling. I’ve thoroughly acknowledged that overanalyzing things, whether I’m doing it or someone else is, helps absolutely nothing. If I could instantly be better at not doing it in this situation or every other life situation I get into, I would. Unfortunately, these things take work and so I have to take life day to day as it comes, which includes my overthinking at this present time.
I’ve also acknowledged that me logging into his facebook was wrong and not something I should do or want to do. It doesn’t do anything but give me more things to overanalyze. That being said, we’ve openly shared our passwords. It’s not an excuse, but if it’s really that “controlling” of me (how is it controlling when it doesn’t affect him or force him to do anything whatsoever), he could change his password. Just as I could change mine if I were really that concerned with it. I haven’t been on since my last post and I won’t be in the future. End of story.
“It’s funny when people can be so quick on being brutal on others threads but can’t even carry their own in their situation” You also continue to focus on me being brutal or thinking I was personally antagonizing you on your thread when that wasn’t my point or intent. At the time, you couldn’t see the forest for the trees. You were way too hurt and you needed as many people as could possibly be there to shake you and set you straight. I’m not the only one who said what I did, which you can recall if you go back to your thread. And it’s clear that what we said finally got through to you because I see your posts all the time now and you seem so strong, stable, full of life, and powerful. You seem to do people a lot of good and seem to have learned a lot from your situation. Because of all of this, I don’t regret what I said for a second. That being said, our situations weren’t the same at the time and have never gotten closer to being the same. It’s unpractical to believe that everything I said to you would hold over and apply to my situation. I’m also human and so it’s reasonable to understand that it is way easier for people to give advice than to always be able to adopt it in their own situation. I’m clearly no stranger to doing that, and I don’t pretend I am. I’m not perfect and I sure have made a lot of mistakes with my ex along the way, but I also still have a lot of room for things to work out in the long run if I continue to focus on myself. And that’s what I’m doing. Just made it through Day 8. And you can either celebrate that with me and think it’s a good thing, just as I see your progress as a good thing, or you can dwell on what I said to you once upon a time, be butt hurt by it, and continue to try and drag me down in some capacity. Hopefully, you’ll pick the first because I think we all ought to try and life each other up more. But if you pick the second, I’ll be just as fine.
I don’t even need to read what you wrote to address the gist of it. You say, “it’s just that going 30 days No Contact and IGNORING your ex isn’t going to get you any where.” If that’s the case, then why waste any time on this board? Why frequent it if you don’t believe in the method or don’t think it’s going to help your/anyone’s case? At that point, you basically occupy a space on this board just to tell people that what they’re doing isn’t going to help at all or amount to anything. That’s just flat out unkind and a waste of your time. If doing something else is working better for you, then do that! Seriously, by all the means! I didn’t come up with this method so I’m sure as hell not going to be offended by your comments. I just think that it’s really counterproductive for you to comment if you don’t believe in the system, and it probably does people more harm than good. Should people have false hope if their situation is completely dire? Of course not. But for some people who actually have a slight hint of hope and have decided to try Kevin’s method, reading your comments to them telling them that what they’re doing won’t help whatsoever is only going to hurt them and make a hard situation worse. Just be a decent human being.
I don’t think that’s really a reflection of NC or the thirty days though, to be honest. I think that’s a reflection of the fact that thirty days is MORE than enough time for some people to be functional on their own, and not enough for others. And those others are the ones who will immediately cave to contacting their ex. I’m not saying one way is better than the other. It just shows that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to these issues.
In all honesty, I think you need to cut a little bit of the judgment. I’ve read a number of YOUR posts and a number of your RESPONSES, and I don’t feel that your situation is completely hopeless. That being said, you really seem to look down upon people that you deem lesser than you or who aren’t doing what you would do. People who contact their exes after 30 days don’t “reek of desperation and false hope”. I mean true, it may not be to their benefit or to the benefit of their relationship yet, but no one looks stupid or should be looked down upon for making the choice to contact their ex after 30 days. Making it 30 days is a feat in and of itself, and technically they aren’t breaking Kevin’s rules if they go about it correctly. You seem bitter and upset about this process and how it has worked for you so far. That’s totally fair and I would be too. I am, actually. But don’t get up on your high horse about your story or your actions over anyone else’s. That’s not fair to others and just makes you look like a snot.
I do think exes seeming happy on Facebook is a mask. Technically, to some extent, everyone seeming happy on Facebook is a mask. We all post there for the sole reason of sharing the positives in our lives or the momentous things. Most people aren’t going to sit and post about how depressed they are or how much their life sucks. They’re going to post photos and statuses about all the awesome things they do, even if those only occur infrequently in reality.
That being said, your mind seems very made up in terms of how you want to handle things. If you think you should wait to contact her only if she contacts you first, more power to you. Most people are desperate to initiate contact when NC ends and I can’t say I will likely be any different, though I will try to restrain myself. If you do what you want and what you think is best, you ultimately win.
We were always open with passwords, so I’ve checked. I don’t think it even occurred to him that I might, otherwise he’d be trickier about it. You can see on someone’s page what they’ve searched for.
I know I need to stop looking and stop overanalyzing things. Everyone tells me things look good if I keep up NC. That is what I should be focusing on. It’s just so hard when all these little things come up. Like I was on Spotify last night and it told me one of my followed playlists had been deleted. That playlist was a list of songs my ex made for me, and now I feel terrible not knowing if he got rid of it because he’s DONE or because it’s too hard to have around.
Regardless of anything else, I feel like crap. I feel like one week of no contact hasn’t done anything for me and has not made him realize anything. It feels like a loss on both sides, and I know it’s probably just because I’m stuck too far in the middle of it. But it does feel hopeless.
So I found out at least Wednesday night when I was freaking out about him being out and gone for long hours, he just got called to work a double. Hence why he was gone all day. Luckily for me, that means he’s not in at work tonight. I’ll inevitably see him tomorrow, though fortunately he’s working an event then, so we won’t have to be in direct contact.
All that being said, I’m about 95% sure he biked by my house earlier right around the time he’d expect me to be leaving for work. He’s also been online ALL DAY and has been switching back and forth between Facebook searching me and my dad (who is currently in town visiting me, and not someone my ex normally looks for). I feel like he must be missing me and must be looking in to confirm my dad is here. It’s all so weird.
I guess I’m just anxious because I’ll have to see him at work tonight. I’m good at keeping my cool and acting confident for a certain amount of time, but as the night wears on, I usually tend to fade in my abilities. He’ll go from walking past me all the time, smiling widely, trying to eavesdrop when I’m talking to my girlfriends/coworkers, making random small talk, thanking me profusely for helping him with any work-related activities, etc. to then literally acting as if I’m a ghost that isn’t there or making a conscious effort to avoid the areas I’m in. It’s so hot and cold, and it fluctuates so much, that it drives me insane. I mean, I get it to a certain point. If I’m really critical of my own actions, I probably do the same thing. I will be cold and avoidant mostly because I’m trying not to show that I have any emotions for him and it’s way easier to do when I’m not around him. But after a certain amount of time, it gets really hard to keep up, and I start to soften. Especially when he starts to soften. I won’t be full on affectionate or talkative then, but I tend to end up replying to his small talk or saying “you’re welcome” when he thanks me, and then I get those butterflies in my stomach because at least we talked. Work is really dang rough. And I know today he’ll probably either ignore me worse than ever, or he’ll be really happy to see me and desperate.
I also feel like to an extent that I have to be right about him “archiving” my chats with him. There’s really only three reasons he would’ve done that: it’s hard for him to see, he no longer cares about it/is apathetic, or he’s flat out done with me and never wants to see/talk to me again. If he was flat out done with me or never wanted to see or talk to me again, why “archive” it? Just delete the conversation. Or better yet, unfriend me on facebook so I’ll REALLY get the point. If he doesn’t care or is apathetic, why not just leave it? He has a million other random messages that just sit in his inbox. No point in making extra effort to put mine somewhere else. That only really leaves the first option, in my head. Maybe that’s overly optimistic. I’m not sure. It’s just what makes sense to me.
I’m probably reading into this too much too, but it seems to me like he’s consciously going out of his way to spend next to no time on facebook or not to check it. Last week, the max time I ever saw between him being online was like 8 hours because he worked a double at work. He’s easily hit 12 or 13 hours this week of not being online, and I know it’s not always for lack of him being at home or having time to. He works in like two hours, so I know he’s up. I know he’s sitting at home and eating breakfast, mostly because I know his routine. That usually involves him sitting on his computer and checking facebook repeatedly. It says it’s been 9 hours since he was last on. Unless his schedule has suddenly changed super dramatically or he’s constantly away from his apartment (which I guess he could be, if he’s really dating someone…), he’s not going online as much consciously. I don’t know whether this is to spook me into thinking he’s busy a lot or just him not wanting to be online. But per usual, it freaks me out like everything else.
In my gut, I don’t believe he’s really seeing anyone else, but I’m biased. I probably just see what I want to see.
