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This is all very vague, but it doesn’t sound good from an outside perspective either. What is the status of your relationship at the moment? Are you guys official or have you discussed exclusivity? The condom/illness thing, evasiveness of sex, and paranoia about going out and you asking about it all sound very suspicious to me (but then I’ve been burned so I suppose I’m biased).
Regardless of that though, it sounds like she’s backing off a bit, and the only thing to do in that scenario is to cool off as well and allow her to think about things. She will notice your cooling off, your absence, how she feels about that, how she feels about you, and whether she wants to pursue/initiate contact to spend time with you.
If she’s hesitating and backing off it sounds like she’s in a state of evaluating the current scenario and that needs some space…you can’t fix it you just have to allow it to take its course and any attempts to sway things one way or the other usually will have the opposite effect to what you want.
And that isn’t really about game-playing either, although it sounds like it – it’s more a case of she’s testing her feelings and you’re being a participant in that test – it’s good to allow her to evaluate her feelings towards you, because if she does feel something then she should be making moves to be with you and be active, and if she doesn’t then it’s important for you both because you shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t crazy about seeing you and being part of a couple with you.
I’ve been there and done that with a woman who just wasn’t affectionate enough towards me and it was all a one-way street. You don’t want that. Trust me.
Just my 2 cents
I don’t know what to suggest then mate. All you can do is wait and see. Anything happened since your last post?
Yeah it may be that turning her down for sex has upset her and caused her to run away, that seems to be a much more clear communication of disinterest for women than simply not calling them or whatever. That’s the point where they make themselves vulnerable, they trust you and open up to you emotionally and physically, so if you reject them it can be an issue. She may be backing off in response because she thinks you’re genuinely not into her enough. Again only thing you can do is see if she shakes it off and gets in touch again or not.
Also in my experience women do generally want to have sex even when “nature intervenes”, as you put it – that’s sometimes when they’re at their most sexual and it can even be therapeutic for them (though not always) – they just need to be reassured that it doesn’t freak you out and then they’re ok with it. They don’t want you to judge them for what their body is doing naturally.
Yes she may well be testing you. That’s pretty normal. Usual solution is not to react, or at least not in a dramatic way – you hear a lot of people talk about being a “rock” or an “oak” when women “shit test”, ie: unmovable and unshakable.
My honest opinion is that you shouldn’t worry about putting distance between you and her.
You can’t issue verbal ultimatums because they rarely work, but you can remove yourself from the situation as a way of establishing the boundary that you’re not prepared to just be picked up and dropped like this willy nilly. If you leave her alone and she wants you she will chase you as she did before.
Honestly, I know I’ve mentioned it before and it sounds like a sales pitch but I would check out Corey Wayne’s stuff, there are a lot of similarities with Kevin Thompson’s advice in his email series (which is also good). You can sign up for the newsletter for free and it’s really good, and I think if you do that you can access his online book as a web PDF for free, which has helped me a lot with this sort of stuff – so much so that I forked out for the Kindle edition so I can read it away from my computer (it’s only like £5 on Amazon).
He would have a lot to say on your scenario, I think, but the gist of it would be you’re allowing her to mess you around so she is doing it, so don’t do that – don’t allow it, leave her alone and it will make her think about what she really wants, and if she wants you she will come to you. She should be chasing, you just lap up the attention when it’s there, and the more she chases the more she’ll want to chase, if she chases and then stops it’s because you reacted to her and made it feel like she got you too easily. I know it all sounds like game and it sucks and I hate it too, but I’ve come to accept it’s the reality of the situation.
Good example actually, I just had his latest newsletter come through and he says this:
How Much Contact Is Too Much?
How much you should contact someone you want to date, to communicate your romantic interest so they know your intentions, and how to know how much contact is too much, so you don’t scare them off.“It’s much more fun and effortless to date only people who have a high level of enthusiasm to spend time with you. Sometimes it is possible to raise a potential lover’s low interest to become high interest with time and effort, but if you really feel like you are a catch, know you are a catch and act like a catch, would you really want to spend your time with someone you have to convince of your own amazingness? I think not. The best relationships with the strongest bonds and connection happen when both people really place a high value on spending time together and like each other from the moment they meet. Trying to be liked or to get the attention of other people who do not freely give it is demeaning and disrespectful to you. It’s only once you recognize your own value, that other people will see it also.”
The focusing on yourself and your own stuff and goals is also important here too. Something I heard recently that was good, which I did with my ex, is in making the girl “the cake” rather than “the icing”. Your life and your hobbies and your business should be the cake – you’re the prize – that’s what makes you happy, and a woman is just extra good stuff on top of that, but not essential.
Yeah but last time this happened she still came back eventually, right? One thing I have seen discussed a lot in relationship stuff that seems to be true is you have to be prepared to let women go off when they want to and come back later, it’s just how they seem to operate, and that’s when they don’t want you to chase them. Ideally in long-term stable relationships they don’t go off for very long, but outside of that scenario it can be quite variable it seems, and again, as you guys aren’t an established official couple this is one of those outsider scenarios.
Just let her make up her mind on her own. You do you. That’s the only power you have, but it’s also the only thing that works really. It’s silly but it seems to be true.
There are some potential warning signs here that something is up, but nothing conclusive, and on the flipside they may be nothing at all.
I think all you can do is wait and ride it out and see what happens. Get on with your stuff for now.
There may be valid reasons for her going a bit quiet/short and then two days of radio silence, particularly if she’s in another country with friends around a celebration or in the process of heading back from it. There may be all kinds of factors at play here, but you simply can’t second guess them.
All you can do is see how she interacts with you next and take it from there.
I’m not saying these are the only possibilities, but just to serve as some examples:
Best case scenario: she’s feeling quite emotional from your prior interactions and then attending a wedding – wedding’s have a weird effect on people sometimes. she may be thinking about things and weighing it all up
Middling scenario: she may have had some interest from another guy and may have even acted upon it, but you guys aren’t an item officially and, as much as it sucks, she’s entitled to do as she pleases – the good news is this doesn’t necessarily threaten your chances if it’s just a case of her exploring her option and feelings and figuring things out.
Worst case scenario: as with the above, except maybe she’s met some guy she really likes, or it’s made her realise the extent of her feelings for you and it’s not enough. Personally I don’t think this is very likely, I think it’s more likely one of the above two, or something else entirely (business stress, busy with friends, in transit, recovering from jet lag etc. etc.)
My honest opinion is that you should keep contact to a minimum with her – the constant back-and-forth chit-chatting is friend stuff and with her saying she doesn’t believe you won’t see each other it sounds like she is trying to keep you in her life without needing to approach things romantically. She is probably not doing this consciously, however.
Personally I think you should state your intentions and withdraw. Say you don’t want to just be friends and that if she wants to see you she should get in touch – this is a strong statement that you’re not going to be what she wants, you’re going to be what you want. Then when she does get in touch suggest meeting up, if she says no, walk away and wait. Let her chase you and give her space when she backs off so she can realise and figure out what she actually wants. Also stick to your guns, when you said you would leave her for the night you should follow through with it, carrying on talking because she wants to is playing by her rules and communicating that she has you and can do what she wants.
Not my words, but a phrase which seems to ring true is: “the best negotiating position is having the ability to walk away and MEAN it.”
If you’re effectively communicate to her “oh you don’t want to talk/meet? ok, well if you change your mind give me a call” and just leave it. if she’s contacting you like this she will probably break after a time. you have to frame it so that if she wants to contact you she has to have the conviction to meet with you and spend time with you and figure out what she wants, that she wants you by virtue of the fact she is chasing and putting in effort, rather than what she’s doing now of sitting back and keeping you on a string. Again just my 2 cents
Again I don’t want to sound like a douche mate, but it could be worse: at least she’s giving you something in terms of saying there might be a chance if you go, still talking to you, expressing that she cares about you, expressing regret that it didn’t work out and acknowledging that you guys had great potential etc.
That’s more than my ex has done. No apologies, no remorse…nothing.
Honestly man when she goes cold I would back off and let her come to you. If she backs off and you don’t back off that gives her a feeling of power and control and makes her less interested, hence she goes colder. She should be chasing you and you can be responding to that, but when she isn’t you shouldn’t react by chasing her. But that’s just my 2 cents FWIW.
I don’t want to sound like a douche saying this mate, but in my experience when a woman wants to spend the night with you but says that she won’t sleep with you it generally means the opposite and she wants to but wants you to initiate it. It may have been that she was giving a chance for the spark to re-ignite through intimacy or it may have been more of a “last goodbye for now” type scenario.
not that it matters too much because from what she’s followed on with it doesn’t sound like that was a make or break scenario.
She is leaving a lot of doors open and opening up to you more, which is positive. You do have to get on with the move and just see how things go as she has said she wants you to go and do your thing and she wants to do hers, but has not closed off the possibility of visiting etc.
That is confusing. Normally I would say her saying “you need to sort this out” and the bit about her wishing it hadn’t happened and believing you two could have been happy indicates lingering feelings and the suggestion something could happen later if/when you are sorted and your paths cross.
her being fatalistic about it and saying we weren’t meant to be throws a spanner in the works though. her closing bit is telling you to go and continue to work on yourself.
it sucks when they do this for your own good stuff. my ex told me to go and find someone who can give me what she can’t
the last bit is also a headfuck
“I’ll always be here if you need me x”
mine said a similar thing. said if i ever need her just call. do they mean it though?
the only thing i can suggest is going nc again and going ahead with your move and new job. focus on that and it may bring about more recognisable change. I’m also thinking from some of what kevin writes and the relationship rewind material that getting back in contact should have an emphasis on a friendly meet up rather than asking her if you guys have a possibility to get back together, so that might be the approach to take if you try again later on. but for now it looks like she is indeed focusing on work and is put off by your intensity (i know that feel)…so the only thing you can do is remove the intensity and focus on yourself once again. i wish i had a better answer for you mate i really do because i see so many parallels between yours and my situation it’s a shame to see it unfold like this for all involved 🙁
fwiw between the job and the bridesmaid thing it doesn’t sound like she’s in a place to start anything with anyone right now. it doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else if she’s so focused on work. or at least no one who will distract her from it which means not serious
