Ankit111

No worries Amy.
So, basically i dated my ex for like 4-5 years. I’ve known her for over a decade. We weren’t in touch in the middle for 3 years after the break-up. Last one year we have been speaking on and off. We fought towards the end of March because there was some guy who had come to see her for an arranged marriage. After that I didn’t speak for a month and she contacted me saying she wants to meet. I said postponed it and then again she texted me to meet. I postponed but then we bumped at a bar that weekend and we spoke for like 5 minutes. Then we started speaking again and I found myself asking her for more in less than a weeks time. She said that because we have dated other people nothing can happen between us and she doesn’t feel the same way as she did during those times. She wants to try to be best friends. In the middle we fought and stuff because I made the mistake of being needy and desperate. But now we are being friends.

The thing is a friend of mine introduced her to another guy saying, both of you are looking for an arranged marriage why don’t you guys meet up and see. They’ve been meeting and speaking for almost a month now and that got me really insecured. I honestly believe we two can work things out because we know each other better than anyone else. I do not believe that best friends or even good friends can happen especially since we dated for so long. Now, her best friends wants her to date and marry me. If I have to marry someone right now, I would only consider her. I would love to try things out once again. The problem is I am leaving town in two weeks time for a year and will have to fly back over the weekends to meet her. We met two days back and had a really great time. She’s out of town to attend a family wedding and will come back tomorrow. She hasn’t texted me since we met. How do I proceed? Is there any other details you want? Her family loves me and have even asked her to marry me. She wants to be best friends If this guy moves out of the picture, I think in a month’s time I could work things around. Should I do NC again?

Robertizle is helping me out. I really appreciate this! He has told me to go NC again and I think he is right. Are your views any different?

Thanks

@kaila or @robertizle can i contact you guys through e-mail? i would really appreciate it

@Thargus well done! Next thing i think is not to fall into the temptation and help her out all the time again… Show her that your feelings and needs are important too for her to respect you. Be nice to her if she is nice to you. Be firm if she just asks for favours. And I agree with Robertizle in the way you contact her friends. Don’t refer to her.

Yes Amy is right don’t do it.. Just say you’re busy you have some work…

Hey Thargus,
This is my first time on your post. I just read your story. Incredibly similar to mine. I dated her for 4-5 years then we didn’t speak for a while and then we spoke on and off for 2 years and blah blah. But the point is she wants a good friendship.. She wants to start afresh and wants things to be like before we started to date i.e. best friends.. What I realize from your conversation is that your ex goes hot and cold on you… Same as mine.. I gave her an ultimatum like you were planning.. Doesn’t work she said its better if we don’t talk.. She said she did not want to hurt me.. She wants to be a good friend.. I was needy and insisted she made a choice and she chose not to speak.. It doesn’t work..
So, I texted her after a day saying that friendship doesn’t work between exes.. but I think we are different.. I could not accept that you have moved away but honestly since you decided no relationship I felt much better the next day.. Deep inside I could not accept that its not going to work out but I feel much better.. We understand each other so well and I would like this friendship to last.. I told her you decide.. I am okay with whatever…

My ex used to behave like your ex and I always messed up.. It’s not like a power game but what makes them happy is knowing you will be there.. They will contact you some way or the other in a couple of weeks time if we don’t speak and yet they will not take things further.. They want to know you will be there.. What I plan to do is be unaffected by any of it.. Show them her that if they want just friendship we are fine.. You don’t need to be fine but you have to show it to her that you don’t care and are absolutely fine with being friends.. If she treats you cold or does not reply for 2 days like my ex.. you also stop replying or just reply with one word – making obvious your annoyance and yet not shouting.. Show them that they do not matter as much as they think they do.. Show them you are more than ready to be friends.. And don’t always make plans sometimes after a meeting with her disappear or don’t text her for like a few days and make a plan if she doesn’t.. Let her miss you and wonder where have you gone.. It’s impossible for them not to feel or remember.. Just act as a friend and when you go out initially it would be a good idea if you invite your other friends and make it a chill scene.. To make them like us we have to show that it does not matter if they are there or not.. That’s how they function.. Be absolutely cool about the friendship..

I am planning this line of action and then decide later the next step.. Any other suggestions?