Andi

@Nedim

Yes that’s true! It pushed my self-esteem quite a bit ^^
Well.. actually i don’t want to forget her.. i know it’s weird but i want to know how good i’ve felt with her and since i am now friends with her it’s not very likely that i can just forget her ^^
I try to have a good time and be a great friend for her because that seems like it’s the only way to get her to have feelings for me again.
Maybe i have a chance again during the summer break while she is in london for 3 months.. i think i might go visit her if i can.

I think we all learn from our mistakes.. or at least we should try to and that is already a big step in the right direction! 🙂

she was drunk while being on FB chatting with you guys?? 😀

great job! 🙂

yes i guess it was quite obvious that she would ignore it but she has seen it and that’s what counts! 🙂
i feel like you should find out how she has changed and how she behaves now and if you still like her that way..

-Andi

@Nedim

Nice to see you again man 🙂

If you had a great time that’s perfect 😀
Well.. you could ask her to send it again but i dont know if you want to do that ^^

Just today i got some nice feedback from some of the girls that went with me to school a year ago and i didnt see them in quite some time so that was really cool 🙂

Yeah.. i’m trying to eat as much as possible now and keep training and working out, so that should help ^^

Yeah.. today was the birthday of a very good friend of mine and last year my ex was with me on that party and today well.. i missed her.. i remembered what we did a year ago and how much fun it was and everything and today it was quite different. I still had a great time but i had to think of her now and then. Especially since she was a topic we talked about a few times today..

I hope for you that she wants a restart aswell!! :))

Well.. it is how it is i guess. I don’t think that she was playing games with me on purpose. I think she really didn’t know what she wants and actually i still think she doesn’t yet.
Right now we are friends and i guess i can live with that but i’ll keep trying to comfort her while talking to me and who knows.. maybe one day she feels something for me again.. right now i dont have a big plan. I just dont want to talk with her about the breakup anymore and as i said i try to be a very good friend for her again.
it kinda feels like i’m thrown back 2 years because that’s what i was doing with her back then and after a lot of time i finally got her to love me. Maybe i can do that again one day…

Time will tell…

-Andi (mobile)

@Nedim

well.. she just called me from London…
It’s over..
She doesn’t want to be with me

I’m done… I just can’t stand it anymore…

I hope you did better my friend .. i hope you did

@Nedim

Last weekend i was at my Ex’s place again and well.. first she was kind of angry that i came since she wanted some time for herself but luckily after a bit it was all fine and we had a good time again.
We talked about our problems and how to solve them and i hope she saw some of my changes.

Well.. a few minutes ago she wrote me that she just can’t yet decide on wether to pick me or “him” and she will decide either during or after her trip with him to london.
I’m actually kind of devestated because i can already feel how she will lose contact to me and also interest in me..
I hope that she will miss me and that she comes back from london and just wants to see me again and be close to me.
She wrote that she wants me to live my life for that week and i guess anyone in a relationship would kill for such a sentence from hist girl but i’m actually quite sad because that means that she wouldn’t even care if i sleep with X different girls or what not.
I can feel my chest getting heavier i’m litteraly “feeling down” .. i love her so much .. i’d kill for her – even myself..

1 week …. i told her to write me at least 1 letter and some messages when she is in a location with free wifi so I have at least a little chance of her not forgetting about me but actually thinking of me and hopefully i can even make her laugh and miss me 🙁

Tomorrow at 16:00 she’s gone… maybe forever
i feel like dying

-Andi

@Nedim Warning! This is one freaking long text.. 3000 words… i hope you have enough time

Alright, first of all I’m really sorry for the lack of updates. I had no time and there was so much going on and yeah…
Anyways.. here we go ^^

Good, NC really helps getting over someone! 🙂

wow four years is quite a long time. I’m sure that you are quite close to them.

Good that she isn’t into him or anything! 🙂

haha, better get a frog or something for that bug next time :DD

I really think you should go for that interview. That’s a big new opportunity for you 🙂

Haha i have a beard myselft. my ex said i should grow one back in the days.. and damn…I LOVE IT 😀
But it’s always weird to trim it.. i look a lot younger when i cut it from like.. 1cm to 4mm 😀

Alright so it’s my turn..
Storytime with Andy:
Please prepare a drink for convenience 😀

So I went up on Saturday and i still felt like ” meh.. let’s see how things turn out.. maybe i dont even love her anymore” well.. i arrived and obviously things were a little weird at first. So i decided that we should go to the river that flows through the city and go for a walk. we did so and well we talked about all the stuff we did in the last month and yeah. as i said things were a little weird. after some time we decided to go back to her place and drink a bit and then at night we could go into the city and drink more and have fun and what not.
So we bought some alcohol and went to her place.
On the way to her place she asked me if i had a new person in my love-life and i said no. We kept talking while walking and after a bit she said that she doesn’t want to smalltalk anymore but talk about us. she started to cry a little so i told her that we should wait until we are at her place since i didn’t want to maker her cry on the streets and i didn’t want to either – obviously.
At this point i was already so much in love with her again that i nearly couldn’t handle it. </3
we then finaly arrived at her place and luckily her mum wasn’t at home. so we went into her room and started talking.
We talked A LOT and both of us cried and sobbed and it was hard for both of us…
I told her that i love her more than anything and she said that she loves me aswell but she doesn’t know if i’ll make the same mistakes again if we have a relationship again. Obviously i told her that i changed but sadly i couldn’t really show her since she didn’t want us to go into the city because she felt weird about not being able to hold my hand like we used to for 1,5 years…
In order to lighten up the mood we started to watch family guy and it helped a lot. we just laid in her bed cuddling and watched. it was wonderful.. I’d pay with my life if i could do that one more time.

so during all the talking she told me that she wasn’t actually missing me while i didn’t write her but she missed me a lot when we were writing. SO I FUCKED UP BIG TIME WITH THE NC..
well.. not entirely.. because i felt better at times but so did she. instead of missing me she just kept moving on.
So my personal idea is that NC doesn’t work with long distance relationships in order to make someone miss you. Both of you will get over the other one but not miss the other one because of that..
Anyways…
I think i told you that she has someone new she likes a lot..
She also told me that she slept with him which i think i wrote some days back.
So.. yeah… i think i also told you that she goes to london with that douche.. sorry.. i mean Fucktard McDipshitson -.-‘
Well, she told me that she will decide before going to london but even if she picks me, they will be together for 1 F-ing week in a city she doesn’t know but he does. He will show her awesome places and they might have lovely and intimate moments together :'(
So as i said.. even if she picks me beforehand she might get weak so i have to writer her as much as i can but i dont think she’ll have wifi access with her phone all the time so.. argh.. dang it! -.-”

Let’s get a little private..
When i was with her for that weekend we also had sex. 3 times in 24h… not bad for being broke up (?) 😀
i guess that was just bound to happen ^^
now.. i have never in my life felt her as much wanting me as she did in those 3 times.. so either that shithead McFuck is awfull AND/OR they didn’t had anything in the past few days which i personaly think is the case since.. well… uhm…

*WARNING* VERY PRIVATE AND MIGHT BE DISTURBING *WARNING*
she wasn’t properly shaved and she had her period until the day before

I didn’t mind that much but yeah.. there wasn’t anything happening i guess which should be great.
Interestingly enough she told me that they meet each other about 5 times a week which is a lot and still… nothing happened? i guess she just felt bad about it.. idk..

So on the second day we woke up and i kissed her awake and ..damn.. it was so lovely.. </3
we kept petting and snuggling and i started to caress her whole body.. well that whole thing ended up in us having sex (one of the three times ^^) and then we kept staying in bed since she still didn’t want us to go into the city because on the one hand the holding hands problem and on the other hand she was afraid that some friends of her or of the Douche KissMyAss might see us.
So we just kept on talking and also watched family guy again which was a lot of fun ^^
The very last train that was possible for me would have left the station at 3PM. We were cuddling and watching until about 2PM and well.. i talked with her about how BAD(!!) i feel about leaving but she said that it would be the better choice. So we kept watching a little more and talked a bit more..
I think we actually cried every time when we talked about the relationship… every single time.. until we watched family guy again..
So anyways.. when it was time for me to grab my stuff i stood up from the bed. Threw away the used tissues (we used a lot..) and well.. i put on my trousers and started to button up my shirt. Well… i started to cry like i never have 🙁
My ex instantly came up to me and i had to hug her so bad and when she saw me how i cried and everything she started to burst out in tears just like me. I told her that i just can’t leave already and that the thought of never returning is the worst though i have ever had in my head.
She said that she wouldn’t let me go like this and well.. we went back to bed and cuddled and everything.
After a while she told me that it would be best for both of us if she left for the night and went to a female friend of hers to stay the night and i stay at her place and leave in the morning. It would help so both of us wouldn’t cry as much again and also she just needed time for herself because she was a nervous wreck. I didn’t really like the idea of staying alone in her room and having to leave in the morning (4 AM) but i didn’t want her to feel bad so i accepted it.
We kept staying in bed for the next few hours and at 10 PM she left.
Before she left i comforted her as much as i could. We cuddled, we kissed, we were really close to each other and i massaged her since i knew that she had a few problems with her back. And frankly to be honest i missed to massage her… i really did.
And well.. yeah.. at about 10 PM she left the room and i had no other choice than to let her go knowing that i might not see her again for a long time :'(
There was no way that i could have been able to sleep.. i stayed up the whole night and i wrote her a long poem and multiple notes and i spread them in the room. It was really nice to do all that.. 🙂
I did some more stuff like I put my perfum on her desk and told her that it’s like a symbol of our love and that i wouldn’t need / want it any longer if she doesn’t want me back. I also left a shirt that i wore at her place so she has something that smells like i do. Actually when she asked me the day before if i wanted something from her to take with me i said no but that night i quickly took something so i can smell her again and whenever i want <3
Well.. then it was 3 AM and i packed my stuff and checked that i did everything i had to and wanted to do. And then it was 4 AM and i started to leave.. I felt awful 🙁
If you watch “scrubs” you might know the part when JD leaves the hospital for the last time… well.. i felt the very same way but it was even more emotional 🙁
I think before finally leaving the flat i stood there for 5 minutes just watching into the hallway. I needed a lot of time to finally close the door and when i closed it it was over. I wouldn’t have been able to get back in again so i went to the elevator and left the building 🙁
I just wanted to get home and get in my bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight and hope that everything will be better then and that i have more energy again…
well.. at 4:15 the taxi arrived and the guy took me to the trainstation.
I was actually so deep in my thoughts and so tired that i somehow managed to ask him if he is in love with someone. That was a little awkard afterwards :DDD
But hey.. he told me that he is in a relationship since 6 years so i guess we can be proud of him ^^
So… then i was at the station and waited for the train to arrive.. IT WAS SO FREAKING COLD!!!
And then i had 8 hours of travelling home. Luckily my ex was at home at about 8 AM so i was able to write with her and time went past really quick 🙂
(well… as quick as 8 hours can go past.. 😀 )

uhm.. i arrived at 1PM but i don’t think that there was a lot more happening between us. Just casual talking 🙂

But in the night i decided that i should go through ALL our arguments since february because in february it got quite bad with us having arguments and.. wow… i got SOOOOO FREAKING ANGRY!!
I literally felt like punching EVERYTHING! I think i would actually have been able to hurt someone really bad.. well you don’t know why yet.. let me explain before you think i’m crazy and out of control ^^

So as i said i went through all our arguments to find the problems and i wrote all the discussions down. I started with the newest ones and went back in time (not really.. but right now i have no idea how to explain it better xD)
“i went back in the timeline” .. maybe thats better.. idk 😀

So after some time i found a few things that had A LOT in common..
It will might get hard for me to translate and explain but i’ll try as much as i can!

So my ex met a new friend at the 25th of february (notice how i said that in february it got worse with our arguments..) anyways.. since she always had a lot of guys as friends and i always trusted her i didn’t mind at all.
So she talked about how funny and inteligent he is and what not and that she has so much fun. At that point i felt a bit weird about it and told her that she shouldn’t forget me and i said that i didn’t like him. She wanted to know why and i told her that i was jealous. She told me that me being jealous is cute and what not but that she is soooo much in love with me and that nobody will ever be able to hold a candle to me (i hope that’s the correct saying ^^).
well… guess how that turned out? -.-‘ :'(

later on i found a short dialog between us:
Ex: “sometimes i miss flirting with you.. like when we talk about sex it’s kinda like it but it’s just not the same anymore in a relationship”
Me: “what do you mean?”
Ex: “well.. you know… being a little mean but still giving compliments. Just like we used to when we got together ^^”
Me: “Oh yeah. i know what you mean ^^”
Ex: “Do you miss it?”
Me: “Well.. if i think about it.. a little, yes”
Ex: “Please never do that with someone else okay?”
Me: “Never!”
Ex: “Good”

…..do i have to add anything or do you slowly understand why i got and get angry again?
but wait – there’s more!

Ex: “i cant sleep”
Me: “Why not? ”
Ex: ” i have a lot on my mind”
Me: “why’s that?”
Ex: “Oh it’s just a lot that keeps me busy”
Me: “Like what?”
Ex: ” Sometimes you meet people that suddenly put you in known situations but show you a new perspective and show you things that you just didn’t see…. or didn’t want to see. But i actually don’t really feel like talking about it. I’m just glad that you’ll be here soon and everything will be fine again”
Me: “I have literally no idea what you are talking about but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. Has something changed?”
Ex: “Just around me. But by itself everything’s fine between us”
Me: “Explain it to me when i’m at your place”
Ex: “No that’s unnecessary”
Me: “still..”
Ex: “<3”

…she didn’t explain.. not a bit… obviously it was that guy who was on her mind and there was definitely NOT EVERYTHING FINE BETWEEN US! argh!!

I’ll just keep going with dialogs.. you don’t have to read them obviously ^^
it’s just nice to put them somewhere…

Ex: “Do you still have feelings as strong as you used to for me?”
Me: “like i used to?”
Ex: “Yeah, like a year ago or something”
Me: “Sure! Obviously they aren’t as strong anymore like at the very very very beginning but that’s normal”
Ex: “ok”
Me: “How about you?”
Ex: “yeah me too”

…..well that was a lie… she definitely already noticed that she loses interest in me but she didn’t talk with me in depth about it -.-

here are a few simple quotes:

Ex: “It’s strange that we write so little anymore”
——–
Ex: “it got so deadhearted” (deadhearted, insensitive, numb,… i dont know which word is best. she was talking about our relationship)
——-
Ex: “At the moment the connection between us is missing”
——-
Ex: “I don’t feel close enough to you”
——
Ex: “i start to not care anymore”
—–
Ex: “well, we don’t really know what’s happening with each other or what we are doing. We used to write every detail of our day and now we don’t. And yes i know that’s a lot my fault”

oh .. yeah.. i love that dialog -.-
Me: “do you still write that much with that guy you met?”
Ex: “just normal amount”
Me: “huh.. and what do you write him?”
Ex: “i don’t know.. Most of the time we’re just writing random stuff or just talk normal. why does that matter for us?”

well.. guess why it mattered.. 🙁

Ex: ” i miss writing random stuff with you and to laugh a lot. that’s what was so cool between us back then that we talk about everything and everyone and always with a lot of sarcasm. It somehow doesn’t bug me anymore when we don’t have as much contact anymore. I start to lose the need to talk you about what’s happening”
——–

Ex: “do you write with other girls?”
Me: “no?”
Ex: “Ok”
Me: “why do you ask?”
Ex: “no reason”
Me: ” uhm, alright.. didn’t we have this conversation already like a month ago?”
Ex: ” well.. a month is a long time. Am i not allowed to ask?”
Me: ” well.. okay. sure you are allowed to but i start to feel like you don’t trust me”
Ex: “I trust you more than anyone else in the world”

Gosh.. i’d like to smash something again.. this is making me furious!

i think i have to stop doing that but there’s still quite some more left.. but i think you got the idea.. and i need a break of that.. like.. now!

alright.. so what was i talking about before starting with that.. one sec..

ahh.. i guess that’s more or less everything for now.. i cant focus any longer and it took me now 2 hours to write that.. now it’s 4 AM and my ex is “missing” since 8:30 PM … i pray that she’s fine..

I miss her so much again already :'(
i love her

-Andi

@Nedim

Oh my.. i am sorry for you :/

Yes i’m sure that ecerything will be fine 🙂

Huh.. that’s actually quite a good point. That way i can still be friends with her but obviously we would have to stop talking dirty haha :DD
Yes that’s what i’m thinking aswell. Now that i’m fine with every scenario i can’t really do anything “wrong”. I’ll try to stay very rationally while meeting with my ex.
And actually speaking of her – she wrote me again because my letter finaly arrived! She thanked me for the letter and told me that it smelled like me (i did put a small ammount of perfume on it but denied doing so to her ^^).
We kept writing and actually i dont know hiw to translate some of that since i’m already quite tired but main point is that i she noticed that i’m over her and she asked why i’m visiting her when i dont even really want her back. And i told her that i’d like to spend some time with her and talk with ber about the breakup and the stuff that was happening and so on. And she told me that it’s a bit too much for her and that she writes back later.
Seems like she’s not over me at all so i guess i have good chances at getting back together with her but i will only do so if i feel like it. Well.. we’ll see on saturday/sunday 🙂

Haha nice job 😀 being drunk at school is something quite rare and interesting i guess 😀

Yes i myself asked myself that question aswell and there is no other way to find out except by meeting up with her. So i’ll just have to bite the bullet.. if she has changed into someone that i don’t love or don’t even like then it’s just over. If i do enjoy her new personality or if she hasn’t changed and i still like and love her, i’m good to go for a restart of the relationship 🙂

That’s absolutely true.. for me nearly a month has passed since she broke up and it actually feels like it was 2 years ago.. i dont know why but the strict NC brought a lot of space between me, her and the breakup. So actually i think i wouldn’t even be able to just continue the relationship. With that much new space between us i just automatically start a new one with her which is quite good 😀

-Andi (mobile)

@Nedim

i read it right now.. so nice night more or less 😀

no problem – any update is a good update ^^

dont worry about that boy. he might be interested but i dont think she is 🙂

Yeah i know how you feel.. there is so much to do for school for me aswell.. :I
and i must not fail those exams!
the worst part is that right after i come back from my ex i have a latin exam and i’m really bad at latin and struggle a lot to get enough points to pass. i will have to learn when i’m there but hey maybe she think that’s good because to be honest i never really learned much even though i got bad grades in latin :/
I’m not really proud of it i was just lazy since everything else in school went fine and well.. now i have to face the consequences :/

oh well 1 day isn’t to bad 🙂
to be absolutely honest i’d like to meet my ex one week later and not this weekend but well.. cant really change it now ^^

just be yourself. be your new self but don’t try to force it… i don’t really know how to say it… “let it flow” just do what you do and don’t think about it too much! 🙂

Actually there wasn’t a lot happening today for me. Still talking to other girls but no meeting yet. Even though i was really productive today there wasn’t a lot going on.. 😀
I went to the gym, went to the library, visited my mum in hospital, cleaned the basement and went to school… and BAAAM one day passed.. 😀
feels strange ^^

Personaly i still dont know if i want to smell at the shirt again…
It is in a shelf next to my bed and sometimes in the night when my face is facing in its dircetion i can smell it. even though it 30cm away and there’s a small wooden border between me and the shirt. Most of the time i try to get as much of the smell in my nose untill i can’t smell it anymore because i got used to it and then i turn around to face the other direction and then eventually i fall asleep. But since the NC i didn’t actively grad the shirt and put it on my face anymore (that sounds sooooo stupid xD ) and i still dont know if i should or if i should wait till the 18th to smell her perfume on her body and not on the shirt ^^
#RandomThoughts haha 😀

Looking forwart to you next update 🙂
-Andi