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Hey, I’ll keep it short.
First of all im happy that everything seems to work out for you that good! 🙂
Now for me.. I don’t miss the person my ex has become. I do however miss the person she was 1 or 1,5 years ago. Anyways.. right now i have no contact to her and i’m not even sure if i’ll ever change that – we’ll see how things turn out.
I definitely dont want to be together with who she has become. I might get in touch with her when i go to university but untill then i dont know if i want any contact. Also i dont think i need it – it might just confuse me or hurt me. Why the hell should i risk that? ^^Now since both of us dont really want our exes back anymore i think it’s also time to stop writing here. Thats also why i haven’t answered sooner. This blog is in some way the final chapter in the story of me and my ex – lets close it.
However i’ll gladly help you if you have any problems. I wont be gone all of a sudden! ^^Thanks for everything and best of luck!
-Andyquick update..
I am meeting a few new girls recently which finally made my thoughts about writing with my ex again very very rare.
I know that if i write her again, I will fall in love again quickly. So right now, I’ll use the time I have and do what I want.
Let’s see how things turn out in a few weeks..How’ve you been?
-Andi
Alright… hey! 🙂
It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it? ^^
Now that I’m working Monday ’til Friday I don’t really have any time so I hope you don’t mind too much.Actually.. not a lot happened. I’ve been thinking of my ex. Dreaming of her aswell, which sucked because I always have this weird feeling when waking up and realizing that it didn’t happen.
Also I realized that since March (since the breakup) I had contact to about 500 (not a typo..) girls and believe me.. I would trade ALL of them together for my ex -.-
I also thought about when to contact my ex again because I know that as long as she’s in London she won’t start a relationship with that other guy. So I’d have to get in touch with her again about a Month or so before she comes back BUT I also want to finish my stuff like school, drivers license, etc.
I want to be in a spot where I can say.. I moved forward. I did something. Right now I am still doing it but I want to finish it!
After that I want to get in contact with her again.
Also.. tomorrow 2 years ago I met her.. let’s see what I’ll feel like tomorrow.I see your point but sex is always just as meaningful as you want it to be. If you meet someone at a bar one night and you end up sleeping with that person, then it’s literally just sex. However if you have a significant other who you love and desire then it’s a whole different story.
But yes.. everybody has their own opinion on things, therefore I don’t even want to change your opinion because yours is just as valid as anyone else’s 🙂For everything else, just write me when you have time to!
-Andi
damn.. that’s a lot! 😀
alright.. let’s seeoh man. I’m sorry for you. That sounds quite bad. :/
I think she might have been angry as you said but didn’t want to be so she played it cool 🙂Yes.. the first meeting is definitely very strange. I can confirm that ^^
“she is just an average girl” really? I felt even weirder because if my ex would have been like an average girl to me I would have been able to say some kinky stuff or behave like such. but obviously that was not an option 😀
Well.. actually.. now that I think about it… the first meetings I actually did that.. huh.. wow actually nearly forgot about the first meetings after the breakup. London is the most memorable right now and it sucked .. A LOT ^^
Damnit.. I had forgotten how we had a great time.. now I know it again.. ffs… anyways.. let’s continue 😀I know how you feel.. Did you also nearly stop to eat? I think last month I lost about 10kg in 2-3 weeks… I couldn’t eat anything. I felt sick after half a pizza.. actually I felt sick the whole time in London and the days before ^^
I hope you don’t/didn’t feel like that.Hold up right there.. don’t you ever be afraid of your first time! Especially not if your future GF has experience. Personally I am glad that I had my first experience with my ex and she had someone else before because well… uhm.. how do I put it… She had a lot of pain her first few times and I would have blamed myself and felt really really bad. So yeah.. Also hey.. a experienced partner is always a plus ^^ Also I guarantee you that if you put the slightest effort into getting “better” you will get better VERY VERY quick! 😉
Hm.. I think you can have a great time there and maybe even get in contact with some new people! 🙂
Since you haven’t been there with her before I don’t think you’ll remember her as much as you think you will.huh interesting.. maybe that’s why she acted so weird before the event. I could imagine that she is actually thinking a lot about you and your relationship. If you wanted to you could try and well.. get closer to her (more).
It’s the same with my ex. Imagine she wouldn’t have found someone new that quickly. She would have and has thought a lot about me and the option of a second relationship with me. That’s also why I’d definitely try and get in contact with her again in.. idk.. some months, maybe a year? Your ex doesn’t have a new person to share the feeling with that she shared with you so there is still a very big bond between you two. The longer she stays “alone” the more she will think of you. I think..So to recall your dream:
The first time you are in a bedroom with you ex and she makes some weird noises and the second time you are in a different bedroom with your best friend and you look into each others eyes and she kisses you and you want to kiss her… Could you please tell me again how she’s just a friend for you? 😛
No but seriously.. what kind of relationship do you have with her? Do you write a lot and about everything and anything? AND would you theoretically be interested in a relationship with her?Luckily the dreams with her stopped. Could be because I don’t get a lot of sleep recently 😛
Anyways.. I don’t think of her often but when I do it’s quite painful and creates this feeling of “love” in me. It sucks -.-
Actually the worst thing was 2 or 3 days ago when one of my best friends sent me a image of a text of her. She thanked him that he integrated her so quickly in our circle of friends and that he is such a great friend for me even in such bad times. Reading this text was a lot of pain because it meant that she doesn’t care about a new relationship anymore right now and wishes me that I find a different person to be happy with… well… I felt sad after that as you might be able to imagine ^^
It was interesting though because the day before I liked her image on FB (she changed it into the rainbow colors). Maybe that put me into her mind again and she decided that she writes him.. I don’t know.. just a guess..I don’t know.. it’s just… I don’t want to forget her >.<
I did it before and after that I decided that I would never want to do that again… Obviously I slowly don’t think of her anymore but.. actually making me forget her by removing her from the chat window is something I don’t feel like doing. :/
Now that I am writing you I really wonder how she’s doing… If she’s really happy or if she has any problems with something… I care about her but since I’m not able to take care of her I have to suck it up and deal with it.Yes it was/is extremely painful -.-
Wasn’t able to leave the house to do something entertaining for 2 weeks now… I am slowly getting quite bored ^^
I am glad that my friends showed up a few time and since it’s such a nice weather right now we were in our garden and just.. well.. idk.. chilled 😀I do write a lot with other girls and it’s a lot of fun ^^
Since schools over now for most of them aswell I’ll even meet up with some of them. Will have to work around my surgery stuff though 😀
On monday I’ll start working for 5 weeks I think. Last year I was writing with my ex all the time.. I have no idea what to do this year because I’m always done with the things I have to do so quickly but have to stay at my desk ^^
I bet I’ll miss her a lot again during that time if I don’t find something to do.. -.-God damn it.. so many memories.. I hate it
I feel fine when I do what I do but when I think of the things that happened I know how bad I am doing right now.. -.-One more thing. Normally I don’t post a lot on Facebook but now that there was/is this trend to color your picture I decided to write a post regarding same-sex-marriage. I wrote that I won’t change the color of my picture since I simply don’t like the colors and that it doesn’t change anything in your/our country. I made it clear that I fully support gay marriage but making your picture a different color won’t legalize it. So I put in a link that gets you to a website that collects signatures in order to make our government legalize it. Very few people knew about this action and I hope I was able to get them a few more signatures so our government actually does something. BUT that’s actually not that interesting for this blog, is it? ^^ What I want to say is that a very good friend of her (and I met him quite some times aswell and got along with him really well aswell) commented. Actually it was the only comment this post got. It got liked and shared a lot though.. BUT he commented and I answered.. just FB stuff obviously.. 😀
But still.. just the fact that he commented is quite interesting and I felt .. idk.. happy 🙂Alright.. It’s been an hour.. I think that has to be enough for now ^^
Don’t want to flood you with words 😛-Andi
just a quick update..
Still having a lot of pain but i got somewhat better over the last days. Painkillers still seem to make it just bareable but hey.. atleast I can sleep now with them ^^Tonight was the shittiest night since quite a long time. I went to bed at 1AM because I felt incredibly tired and woke up for the first time at 8AM. Since it’s so freaking hot here now I decided to not get up but rest for some more time and sleep again.. and again.. and again.. in the end I finally got up at around 1PM or something because I felt like melting 😀
BUT everytime I fell asleep again I dreamt of something new while storaging the previous dream in my mind like it really happened. I think I dreamt about 9 different things 5 of which were about my ex 🙁
So.. every new dream felt like reality and during my dream I remembered the previous dreams like they really happened. Can you imagine the pain I felt when waking up and realising that nothing of that happened? We did so much and such a fantastic time together.. in my dream. And in reality I can’t even write her..Oh well.. guess that what you normally call a feaver dream since it was so incredibly hot which made it feel so real.
Hope you are doing great!
-Andi
hey, don’t worry.. if you don’t want to see her, just stay away from her. Or just casually talk to her if necessary. OR it might even be fine to be with her for you and maybe you two have a great time.. just look forward to it! 🙂
I hugged her .. and we didn’t let go for quite some time.
sigh…it sucks to try to get over someone when you know that you can’t and won’t :Isure. no worries 🙂
-Andi
@Nedim
Oh okay.. I was about to say that it might not be the best idea if you just go ahead and kick her out because you want to but since the others seem to be weirded out by her aswell, it might be a group decission 🙂
I understand that you are worried about the meeting but I think it will be fine. I don’t think you two will really talk about relationship stuff with the others around you.. Are you still in contact with her?No I don’t have any contact to my ex and I think I won’t have any for quite a long time. I’m thinking about winter to maybe write her again. I want to make time pass and let all those thoughts and feelings between us fade away slowly and then get to know her again. Right now there was A LOT going on for me (finals, surgery, friends,..) so I didn’t really have time to think of her or miss her but from time to time when I am on FB and I glance on the right side of my screen I always see her… she is ALWAYS on the very top of that “chat-friends”-window. Most of the time I just look quickly away again to not make me think of her and it works quite well..
That surgery I mentioned.. JESUS… such a fuck up…. they removed a part of my skin around my tailbone. quite a lot and quite deep.. there was something that had to be removed but they couldn’t remove all of it since it’s quite big and it wasn’t possible to give me a general anesthesia since they didn’t have a bed for me.. sooo they gave me a local anesthesia and removed a part of it as i said. Well.. the part that they didn’t remove now gives me troubles and it hurts.. a lot.. I have to take painkillers like freaking gummy bears to do anything. As you can imagine sitting or laying on my back is a pain in the ass … quite literally ^^ But even though I had that pain and was on painkillers I managed to get a “B” on my English final which I am quite happy about 🙂
gosh.. that pain..it’s agony. Even worse now that my summer break starts my parents are actually gone for a few days now.. well guess what.. I have to be in hospital like every second day to check the surgery wound. argh… and even worse.. my summerjob (sry.. don’t know the actual term ^^) starts on the 13th and if I have my second surgery not long enough before that I might have to shift it back a week which would suck. this pain is killing me.. it’s the worst.. and the main problem is that the painkillers that I take don’t even remove the pain anymore. they just make it somewhat bearable. I can’t even sleep at night because of it.. argh.. I feel like dying.
But hey.. other than that I’m great.. so yeah.. yay..
Actually I got interested in airsoft a lot resently and I’d really like to get into it but it’s really quite expensive.. but also a lot of fun 😀
anyways.. see you soon.
-AndiYeah.. I guess.. I tried to not answer her for a day and it went fine. Then in wrote her and as soon as she wrote me back I felt weird again. I don’t know.. Maybe it’s really better to just stop the contact (again) and maybe in the winter or autumn when I finished school get in touch again. Right now I feel like that’s the best that I can do. Still feel weird about not loving her anymore in the future..it feels so wrong..
Already now I know that I’ll miss our conversations about absolutely random shit. Those were the best…Yeah… I didn’t know how to put it.. but I guess it turned out fine haha 😀
Now that you’ve said it, I’m really looking forward to my summer break ^^Hmmmm do you think she really did it? Maybe she’s just seeking for attention. Girls seem to be likely to do so 😀
Oh that’s so nice of her.. you must be really important to her! 🙂
If you like that decision, go for it! 🙂
Are you going to kick her out of the chat then?“Shoot for the moon because even if you miss you’ll reach the stars” is scientifically completely BS but it’s still a nice quote and as long as you get the point and it makes you happy it’s fine.. so.. yeah… shoot for the moon and dream big! 😉
-Andi
so about your previous message:
sounds really cool 🙂
i’m glad that you’ll be having such a great time 😀wow it is actually quite rude to act like that. i don’t know either why she didn’t say that in a nicer way but I don’t think it was because of you. Maybe she was just annoyed by something. who knows..^^
As long as you had a good time again afterwards it’s fine! 🙂was there anything else while I was away? 🙂
Yes she was uncertain. I was too but I knew that if I don’t visit her there is no chance. This way I took a final shot .. and shot myself – it was the easiest way to get rid of this whole situation.
“She is building bricks around herself again.” I love you for that sentence.. I can’t explain you why since it would be the whole history of me and my ex but believe me.. this sentence is golden and on spot!
…Maybe one day I’ll grab the sledgehammer again and demolish those walls again brick for fucking brick but right now there’s just no use to do it.
Haha well I wouldn’t call myself exactly pretty .. or a girl 😀 😛 but yes i know what you mean. The “problem” is that emotions > looks/effort/anything. That’s why I stop now doing anything.. it won’t change a thing. Now I could try and outrival or always show her the mistakes he makes but .. meh.. I’m a nice guy, why change that, right?She asked me if we could be friends… and … I just don’t know..
I never saw her as “just” a friend of mine.. she was always more to me. From the day I met her and started to write her.. obviously we were friends. I’d say we even grew to being best friends but in my heart, she was more than that.
I don’t want to lose her as a person I open up to. She told me that she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. But as I said I never saw her as a friend. She doesn’t want me to look at her as I used to and she removed herself out of my life by deciding so.
She will always be special to me but I really don’t know… In my brain it’s like all my friends are cubes and stacked on a shelf but she is a liquid, the only place where I can put her is the bowl that has written “love” on it.Anyways.. now I have time for myself. Let’s use that! The things that needed to be changed to create a healthy new relationship were changed. I’ll now just do what I want again and keep a healthy mindset. 🙂
-Andi
@Nedim
Alright.. now i am at my histel waiting for my bus to the airport.I now stop trying to get her back. She is happy right now and i dont want to destroy that by doing something bad.
right now i still love her but i need to forget that again. It’s for the better of all of us.
maybe i can be friends with her but i’m not sure about that.. i’d really really like to but i think if i meet her again in a few months or a year ir something i will have all those feelings again.
For now i’m nit sure what i’ll do. I think i might keep the contect but keep it low until i feel confident enough to write her as a friend again. Also i really want to use the time and focus on school and hobbies.She cried when i gave her back the shirt i still had from her and told her that i’d stop now trying to get her back.
I kept my emotions low and didn’t show them a lot.
When i left her appartment to get to my histel i got some wet eyes and i had then for quite a while but i think everything will be fine. There’s a saying that says “everything will be fine in the end. If it’s not fine yet, it’s not the end”. I really like that saying because it keeps me moving. There were a lot of bad things in my mind in the last years and she helped me to get rid of thise bad emotions. Now that she’s gone i’ll just try to keep thinking positive for myself and also get some energy back into my body. I couldnt eat for like a week now. I was feeling sick 24/7 because of her. I just need to find balance in my mind and everything will be good.When i am at home i’ll reply to your text since i am still on my phone now.
Good luck with your ex!
-Andi
Hey, so.. right now things look.. well.. interesting.
I was more or less allowed to sleep at her place last night but i know that right now her feelibgs for the other guy either remove the feelings for me or she just doesn’t have any for me anymore. Anyways.. i think it’s time to finally stop fighting and focus on other stuff again. Who knows what happens in the futureHey, right now i am at the airport waiting for ny plane to london to visit my love.
Things have been a little weird in the last days but i hope i can make her laugh a lot and have a freat time. Weather will be crap but hey.. it’s london.. what did i expect ^^Let’s see what happens. Really looking forward to seeing her again though 🙂
I really do hope i can make her smile a lot and not worry too much about what is going on right now.
I’m mad in love with her but i’ll try my very best to not make her worry. I hope i can grad her hand atleast a few times when walking around ♡Will write as soon as i can. Have a good one and see you 🙂
-Andi
she told me a few minutes ago what she already told me a month or something ago.
“I believe that you have changed and I belive you can do all that but right now I am happy and I don’t want to give that up”
:'(this voice deep down inside of me that says that i want her to be happy also tells me from time to time that i hope he fucks up… am i a bad person?
like.. i would never want her to be sad but deep down in me there is something that tells me.. i wish he’d sleep with someone else or i wish they’d have a really bad fight.. stuff like that… is that making me a bad person? I’d do everything for her 🙁about that “thinking WAY to positive” and crushing on the emotional ground again.. well.. guess what -.-
she is still very unsure if i should visit her and IF i visit her it MUST NOT be because of something else than FRIENDSHIP. Now.. on the one hand i am super glad that i might be allowed to visit her (if i have the time that is. more about that later) BUT i wouldn’t be allowed to do anything emotional to or with her. No kissing, No petting and obviously nothing more than that. Now it wouldn’t be a big problem for me to not have any intercourse with her. Seriously .. I feel like she thinks that’s the only thing i am after :I
But i would really like to give her a tender kiss from time to time or pet her when going to bed. It’s just.. argh… he is definitely able to do so with her and i am very afraid that if i am close to her but can’t do that she will “forget” that i could do that for me or she doesn’t need it from me anymore. like.. “oh well.. who cares if i don’t get a kiss of andy right now. in a few days i can have one from ‘him’ “. I am super afraid that might happen or something like that. She might remove me from her list in her mind that says “People I’d like to date” to the “People I am friends with and have a great time but not more” list 🙁
She litteraly told me that she loves him and me at the moment! I made it back to a kind of “I love you” after 3(!!) months. During one of which she even completely forgot me!! I don’t have the capability to see her every day not even close to that. Maybe i see her once every 3/4 month and STILL although he saw her every single day and they write a lot and talk a lot and have/had a very close bond.. I STILL made it to something that resembles a “I love you”.
I would bet my entire life that if i could spend a few days and maybe even less intimate moments with her, she would be interested in me again and not just “yeah.. well.. maybe but i don’t know for sure and i can’t really do it”.
she already asked me questions like “what would happen if we came back together” and “do you think we could live with the fact that i already had someone new and you had a few contacts with girls?”. So you can see she REALLY thinks about it. If I could just show her the future… I want her to decide what makes her happy. But i can only guarantee that i will try my fucking best to make it happen!phew.. now that needed to be said and i had to let that energy in me out.. 😀
okay.. so now about that i don’t know if i have time to visit her.
even if she finally says yes, i now might have to decline since it’s now a very close call and flight prices are now really expensive and also i have a big test on tuesday and my finals are coming up soon aswell… so.. IF she says yes, i don’t know what to do.. i guess i’ll have a look at how much the tickets are and decide based on the price and i’ll have to study on the flight, in london as much as i can (which won’t be much as i know myself :I -.-) and then also study here again and then hope for the best, which is 1st she likes me more that just as a friend again and 2nd that my grades are positive.. oh my.. those will be some very bad days coming up now – no matter what.. Let’s pray that it’ll be worth it..I love her…
-Andi (sry for any mistakes.. just quickly wrote it and didn’t even proofread because of time :I 😀 )
