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Thanks! I’ll keep your advice in mind for sure.
I’m trying to find the happy medium between being cold, but not having the appearance of being moody, which would mean I am still taking everything to heart.
I guess, to better word what I said before, I’m afraid if I tell him I need space/NC, he may interpret that as me still being emotional. I am doing really well, even with all the turmoil, and he has noticed. I will initiate NC for my road trip for sure, but for now, I don’t think it is the best.
The distance thing seems to be working, although I wish I had the mindset to tell HIM (the dumper!!!) to back off.
The night before last, we had dinner and I went straight to bed. He asked me yesterday afternoon, not even 5 mins after he got home from work why I shot off to bed so quick.
I think he is starting to get that I am staying away, and it is throwing him off. There was a bit of a personal convo where he seemed very concerned that I may have been with someone else (while in the same breath, letting me know that “I can do that now” gee, thanks).
I stayed in the room, reading, last night and he came in and wanted to see if I wanted to watch something, so we laid in bed and watched a show, his hand on my side the whole time.
This morning, he comes in the room, without knocking, to grab some pants (he still puts a couple items in our room time to time, for some reason). He came over, caressed me a bit, hugged and walked away. He followed me out to the front porch this am, and before heading off to work, he kissed me on the forehead.
I haven’t offered to give him rides into work like I was doing. He always inquires when I’ll be leaving, what my schedule is going to be like etc, hoping I’ll offer, no doubt.
This far in, and I am still just as confused as day one. How does any bit of this make any sense :/
And I wholeheartedly agree. His emotions are crazy chaotic lately. They can change, without triggers, within moments. It’s nuts.Update!
I have been trying to stay very distant but pleasant. He has made it difficult. He comes into the room unannounced to snuggle, he has been asking me to go out and do stuff, he has been doing chores around the house, then says he did them for me (seeking approval). He has been kissing me on the forehead or cheek when either of us get home from work and we had sex, again. He laid in bed while I dressed down to take a break between my job, and he just went from there. He cuddled me for a long while.
At night, I asked if he wanted to watch a show, do we watched one. No touching and he was texting his BFF half the time. Sigh. I won’t ask such things again for a while.
But, it seems things are going in a direction, without NC.
I had a problem with NC and jut couldn’t put my finger on it until now. I am actually doing very well, and I think he is seeing that change.
I feel that asking him to back off would make him feel like I am more hurt than I actually am at this point. The trip I’ll me going on will be my NC (probably more like LC as I know he’ll want to talk, I’ll avoid any deeper convo than saying I’m still alive though), but it won’t be so obvious as such. He knows how much I miss seasons since living in Florida and I can just say I want to experience a real fall again.
Thoughts on my approach? Advice? Think things are going somewhere? Feedback will be very much appreciated!I’ve now been on both sides of something similar. I’ve now had 5 girlfriends and am 29, the 3rd and 5th girlfriend being similar situations for me. During my 3rd relationship, it got to a point where she acted like she didn’t care, as if a breakup would be great for her, though she was only doing it to get a reaction. Clearly we had some conflict at the time, but neither of us ever did anything like cheat. I sound somewhat similar to your boyfriend in that I remember everything and can hold things longer than I should.
With that 3rd girlfriend, I started distancing myself, and focusing a lot on how she got at that one point. This went on back and forth much like you describe in your relationship (awkward sex and all) for about six months before I finally ended it.
In retrospect, and during my 4th relationship, I came to the realization that what I had with her was actually quite good and rare (by then she lived over 1000 miles away). Thus, I’ve changed a lot about how I am about things and am able to assess my relationships differently and make more effort (be happier and not hold as much in). My 4th relationship wasn’t awful, but she really wanted kids and I’m almost certain I don’t want any.
The 5th was the one I hoped would last forever, and I truly made an effort. She claimed to love me, proposed to me once (too early), was able to talk about her future as my wife…all the way up to even the day she left (not even two weeks ago). It didn’t make any sense, but we had a rough back and forth (on her part) for almost the entire year we were together. There was really nothing wrong, but she had the ability to go from loving me to treating me like an enemy with no notice. She was furious that other women would hit on me in front of her even though I assured her I only had eyes for her (and I did–I loved her). We had everything in common, she talked of me as if I was far more than she could have ever hoped for, and yet, she could not bring herself to commit (her explanation for proposing to me too early was that getting married ASAP would make it more difficult for her to be so flighty considering her issue). Her mother informed me that she’s had problems with commitment since she was 12.
I’m uncertain if relationship counseling is a help or not. During my 3rd relationship, it was my girlfriend that suggested it and I refused. During my 5th, I pushed for such counseling and she refused. Would seem that the one pulling away doesn’t want to risk hearing that they are the problem.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that I did eventually come around about my 3rd when it was too late. If somehow your boyfriend can realize that you guys actually have a rare love, then it could work.
I expect as your relationship has been so long, that you guys haven’t had as many experiences as you have experience. Perhaps he feels like he hasn’t been with enough people to realize what he has in front of him, or maybe he longs for the feeling of a new relationship, believing that there is some “soulmate” out there that could give him that feeling forever. That kind of thinking can certainly sour a relationship that is actually good, when it is likely that all relationships will get to a point where there are disappointments that need to be worked out–something I wish my current self could have told myself during my 3rd relationship.
It doesn’t sound like your relationship is like my 5th, though in that instance it would seem like there would be little to do.
As far as your “approach” goes, it’s hard to say. My experience is that you can’t really win when it comes to NC/LC approaches. When dealing with such issues, your partner is likely to become more sensitive to it, perhaps looking for reasons to be upset about NC/LC as well as reasons to be pushed away by keeping regular contact. When it gets to that point, I don’t believe that measuring contact given is the resolution. Unfortunately I’m not sure what the next best step is. My last relationship I even agreed to a ten day hiatus. It seemed to do some good at first, but quickly went back to how it was and worse.
Suppose I forgot you mentioned he’s giving you the go ahead to…cheat? My last girlfriend said the same thing, but of course I had no desire to do so, and am certain it doesn’t translate into actually allowing their significant other to cheat. Would obviously result in the relationship being over. One reason to say such a thing could be to illicit a certain response they want to hear, or perhaps they feel they want to end things and is trying to push the other to make the final decision. With the former, there would be more hope towards fixing things. People can certainly say asinine things like that amidst relationship conflict. It’s absolutely a sign of an unhealthy relationship, but it may be possible to work through. It’s just difficult when one of the partners typically refuses to have an open mind and have a serious conversation, perhaps a product of not enough different relationships. Sure, some people can be happy forever with their high school sweetheart, but others just can’t make it work without learning how to change themselves.
There’s also the fact that people can reinvent who they are after a certain amount of years.
The awkward thing about my posting here is that I actually found your Screen name “elsewhere” and thought you were interesting (believe I live near you). Google search brought me here and I got sucked into the drama :p Not sure if anything I’ve written will actually help, but I am a caring person and hope my personal trials and errors can get you farther than I in discovering what can make the right change.
Thank you, Medi, for a very insightful, detailed (painfully for you, I’m sure) response that is unfortunately very empathetic.
Yes, we have been together since high school, and are lacking in the relationship skills department, sad enough as I am turning 30 in a couple of days. I thought we had pulled through the worst of it, but I guess he thought otherwise.
I think he is seeking a freedom for sure, but I don’t think it he is searching for a new relationship. He said it’ll probably take years to get over us am that I am the only one he trusts when it comes to sexuality. He really doesn’t care much for people, in general, and is really nervous about STDs and what not. I just really don’t see him wanting to be with someone anytime soon. He also has no life goals, which is odd for someone wanting to break away for themselves. He is in a job he hates,doesn’t have family he’d go spend time with,has no desire to pursue any goals etc. he is quite the existentialist at the moment. I do think time apart will help him figure out his own way. I wish we could part from this house so badly 🙁
I agree with the NC/LC not working well, for us. Time apart is essential, but not talking would cause resentments or make him feel that I am too hurt by our situation.
When he said he was fine with me dating, he mentioned very specific people, which makes me think he was just trying to illicit a response. He also said he let go of all his emotions but obviously still has a ton of bottled up anger. I have mentioned counseling and he wants nothing to do with it. I told him if not for us , than for his future relationships. He then, for the first time ever, acknowledged his problem with resentment, anger and bottling things in and said he might look into it much further down the road.
Can you elaborate a bit on the 6months of, I’m sure hell, that you and your ex went through when doing the quasi-relationship awkwardness?
Were you living together? Who solicited the affection, cuddling and sex?
Also, I have only used this name on one other board a little over a month ago for about a week. Are you in FL? You have piqued my interest, lol.
Again, thank you so very much. I may write more in a bit once I have more time to reread and think things out. For now, I have to go.
ThanksYes, I’m in FL. Recently moved to Gainesville. Can email me at xx4rexgt4xx (at) aol.com if you’d like know where I saw that screen name and such :p
Otherwise, the six months… We were living together, and had been for over two years. We didn’t own a house together, but her nearest place to go in the event I broke up with her was New Jersey (she came to work for Disney), so that factor put some pressure on any decision to break up.
Earlier on in the 6 months, she mostly treated me pretty bad (typical things, but also she became accustomed to using my daily driver car after her car broke down, taking it for granted and being upset if I wanted to use it) . I think it was one of those points where both partners are upset about something and believes the other is in the wrong and needs to fix their attitude first… Thus we likely perceived each other as treating one another bad, and I expect I was mostly the one initiating sex…or attempting to. She also spent more time away from the house with friends than normal during this time…with my car :p
It wasn’t until the last month of our relationship that she truly knew the end was likely near. At that point she became quite different, to a point where if the entire relationship was like that (more positive, being able to apologize, generally treating me as though I was valuable, helping with expenses), I would be very happy, and she often initiated sex during that time. Yet of course, I refused to let myself believe the relationship could have been like that. I ignorantly held onto the negativity that got me to that point, unable to trust any real change could exist or that she truly made me happy (what it seems like your boyfriend is struggling with). Perhaps it was too much positivity on her part that further pushed me away (relating again to contact level, I don’t think it should be something to force beyond normal levels in either direction) As noted, in retrospect, had I been able to ignore any foolish pride/ego, I believe I would have been able to step up and turn that relationship into something that could have lasted forever.
However, the person I was then would never have accepted that. Sad fact is that I needed such an experience to improve the way I perceive and understand relationships going forward. I’ll never really understand them as we’re all different, but the mentality change going in is significant.
Distance for awhile could help. It’s likely that you both need to try to detach yourself from the moment and look at the relationship in a less sensitive way. It could be that some distance will allow him to long for you (…makes the heart grow fonder and such). Yet I expect that if it makes an improvement, that it will only be temporary and go back to exactly how it was. The idea would be to take such an opportunity of changed heart to possibly convince him to try counseling or finding a way to help him (or both of you) make an actual change. The length of your relationship is quite a triumph–would be hard to imagine you’ve made it so long and not have anything worth working to keep.
Sorry the description of the 6 months is so vague (and sans frequent argument details). It was a couple years+ ago now, though I suppose the main points are there.
I feel like I had more to say to bring everything together to some point, but I’m falling asleep :/. Some strange guy took me on an unexpected journey just as I thought I was leaving a local show to go home… :p
Thank you for sharing. I think we are much further down a hole than even you two were. The 6 months of you two sounds like the past 2 years with us. He hinted at things often, but I never had any idea he was ready to cut the cord at a moment’s notice, which is what happened. Because I was so blindsided that he ended it, I was in denial, and continue to be, though to a lesser extent.
The night before last, we did have sex. Afterwards, he jokingly asked if he “should pay me”. That really, truly hurt my feelings, mostly because I still have feelings for him. I’m not sure if that was just another painful jab or what. He apologized then said perhaps we shouldn’t be doing that anymore because it’ll just make it worse when we part ways in the future once we get rid of the house. I said it had nothing to do with that, only his demeaning comment, and he walked away.
It doesn’t help that he does things like how that night or yesterday played out. Yesterday, we saw a movie and he held my hand for the latter 1/3 of it. He asked to sleep in bed last night (he hasn’t since our fallout over the springs trip) since his mattress is uncomfortable and he asked for a ride into work today. He used to hate the fact that I gave him rides because he said he was trapped and wanted to have the freedom to ride his bike in. I only ever offered for his sake, which he accepted. Apparently, that was a problem though. I guess if I stop offering assistance, the game changes.
I hate agreeing to all the above. I’m not sure at all if I am being used or if he is warming up. It’s a terrible situation for my psyche.Now your situation actually sounds a bit closer to what happened after/during my 4th relationship. That one lasted 9 months before we mutually decided to end the relationship due to her wanting kids. However, despite the fact she owned a house separate of mine, she ended up staying over nearly every night for 3 months afterward, all the while she knew I was looking elsewhere. We had actually known each other for years as friends before getting into a relationship. I suppose neither of us really wanted to be alone, and we did have sex often (she wanted it more than I). It got to a point where I sensed that she didn’t actually want the relationship to be over. Then it turned into something similar to what you describe, as in, starting to see that continuing to have sex and practically living together was actually just dragging out the time before she’d be able to start healing (myself too I suppose). Eventually she did disappear for awhile, noting that it hurt too much to talk to me for months. We talk again now and she has since come to the full realization that we weren’t right for each other as a couple. In other words, it’s possible to be in a relationship you know isn’t going to work, that you don’t even want to be in (may not realize it), yet still feel like you want things to work out. Incredibly difficult to deal with if you’re trapped in your house together :/ Makes it far too easy to “break” when inevitably one or both of you will desire intimate company at some point.
At least in my case we kept things amicable and weren’t really pressured on either side to try to hold anything together, nor actually having to live together.
Unfortunately that scenario doesn’t lend as much optimism for a resolution. Of course I’m only hearing your side of things, but it sounds like you offer a lot more to him in the relationship than he can reciprocate. On one side that may pressure/scare him. Men want to be in a more dominate position than their partners and don’t want to feel inadequate–if he’s unwilling to make strides to better himself, that may never be resolved. Possibly one of the roots to your conflict?
It has been a long standing joke, basically since the beginning, that we have role reversal in our relationship. He is the more feminine, and I’m the more masculine. I have always been the bigger wage earner, able to think without emotions getting in the way, make all the executive decisions etc. Again, that has always been and something that seemed to be endearing to him about us. I guess it can get taken so far as to make him feel inferior. I have tried to motivate him to do something more over the years, but never in a cruel way. It’s more that he is always so unhappy with any job he takes, so I try to motivate him to do something about it, but he just says he will never be happy. Just one of many examples. He says the same thing about dumping me. It didn’t make him happy and he will never be happy (even though he did it for himself?), and that it would take years to recover.
Again, this was 100% his choice, not mine. I have definitely backed off, not initiating anything, yet he reaches for my hand, he initiates the sex, he comes into the room to cuddle or to ask to sleep in bed. I don’t feel, since the fallout last week, that I am pursuing anything at all.
It is quite cruel to be treated like this when I am still very much in love with him. I feel that, as the dumper, he should cut ties. I have not hidden the fact that I still want a relationship with him and have been very blunt that it was 100% his decision. Of course whatever affection he gives is going to be extraordinarily difficult for me to say no to. The dumpee, who didn’t want this to end, shouldn’t also be the one to further distance themselves from the dumper. It is hard enough to deal with the split. None of this makes any sense :/
I hate to sound really cliche, and we do have our differences, but I do feel that we are soul mates. We share the same sense of humor, music, movies, love for nature, political views, social views, ways of showing affection, I could go on and on. We just failed miserably in communication. He bottled everything up until it was too late. I withheld from talking with him through things, usually, because once they reached the point that I knew something was up, his temper was too high, and I was scared (not in an abusive, he’s going to hit me way, mind you. He has never physically harmed me, that would be a deal breaker for sure).
Just a messed up situation here…It’s messed up, but I really don’t think it’s quite as confusing as it is frustrating. As I’ve done that myself and experienced the other end of it from more than one significant other, I don’t believe it’s uncommon for partners to bottle things up. You can ask that person what’s wrong, knowing something is wrong, and they won’t tell you until it gets to the point of conflict.
That scenario seems incredibly dumb when you desensitize yourself and look at it from the outside, and yet, we do it in our relationships anyway.
I’m not convinced the relationship can’t be salvaged, but it sounds like it has gotten to the point that there is nothing you can personally do that will fix anything in a short period of time.
Somehow he’s going to need a mindset change, yet any attempt to tell him that or get help would be resisted and make matters worse. If you guys weren’t stuck in the house together, a “temporary” break up that lends him to believe you’re actually gone could potentially get you to the point that he would agree to counseling or making changes.
If he did come around, you’d have to make changes yourself and not bring up the past. Even certain positive things could be taken negatively in that situation that could make it awkward, like showing appreciation for his effort. Not that he necessarily would, but I’ve known people to lose all progress when related to the problems they had before. Goes right back to telling them they have a problem.
I’d like to know the outcome of distance/time if you try that approach, but I’d be concerned that if he knows you love him and leave for a particularly long time, he may see it as a punishment and resent you for it. A long enough time may also have him look elsewhere considering the circumstances (if he isn’t already).
Wish I had better advice :/ Best I can do is relate my experiences and hope you can find what action may be best. I think a lot of the problem is the relationship experience mentioned earlier. It’s incredibly difficult to change communication behavior and such during a relationship. For me, positive changes only really happened in the subsequent relationships, but there are many stories of couples that have overcome difficult situations.
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