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Boards Reconciliation What do I even say to her?

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • #115729
    AvatarLeeH
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Hi everyone. I posted here before and followed the no contact rule a few years ago and she came back. But I need your advice again.
    It’s been tough since, no denying it. We have a lot of history from 7-8 years ago where I hurt her a lot and she can’t shake it, she throws it at we with every disagreement. She goes from one end of the spectrum, calling and messaging me countless times a day to saying her feelings have changed and wants to move on. Last year with lockdown our time together was limited, we had fun when we seen each other but boy did she pick some ridiculous fights. She’s pushed me away, made ridiculous accusations then picked me back up again to the point I backed off completely of of frustration. We stumbled along and had a nice Christmas then wallop, she ended it before New year and I’ve not seen her since, we are currently communicating by email. My health has deteriorated and I’m going through a lot right now so she’s worried about me, she’s admitted she’s struggling about not being there for me but in terms of us being together it seems she’s definitely gone. Said she wants to be on her own but the worst bit is she said there’s just no romantic feelings on her part anymore, there very much was before this happened though.
    Now here’s where I need the advice, I’ve been cool about it all and said how I feel. I’ve not been needy or panicky whatsoever this time and she’s agreed to meet me some time this week but also pointed out that it’ll make no difference (in my mind I’m wondering why even meet me?). What do I even say to her? Do I just be open and make a plan to move forward? Tell her how I feel and hope seeing me in person makes her realise? Play it cool? Valentines day coming up, do I send flowers or not?

    #115731
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2842

    @LeeH My gosh, how much more can you put up with?? The reason she agreed to meet up with you is that she probably feels guilty for treating you so badly. She said she no longer has romantic feelings for you and that’s profound.. To keep your sanity, I advise you get off the roller coaster and move on. But if you go through with the meeting let her do the talking. You don’t need to tell her how you feel as she already knows! NO, do not send flowers for Valentines.

    I’m sorry to say these things, but it’s obvious she won’t change and suddenly want a normal healthy stable relationship with you..

    Stop torturing yourself and move on!

    #115732
    AvatarLeeH
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Thank you for the reply. It’s not that easy to move on though is it? I know I should, no question about it. I’ll see if she has anything to say when we meet and make a decision there. I know she still has feelings for me, this shouldn’t be as difficult as she makes it which is so frustrating!

    #115733
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2842

    @LeeH It’s much easier to move on once you realize you’re not being treated well and there’s very little chance things will change for the better!!

    Keep us posted as to the outcome of the meeting..

    #115734
    AvatarLeeH
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    We met last night and it was horrendous. I told her what I want from a relationship and life in general and a way we could resolve all this but she admitted she feels no remorse for the way she’s treated me, she looked me in the eye and said she’ll always love me and care about me but she feels absolutely nothing romantically for me anymore, she feels she’s happier on her own. It was devastating, she’s never done that before. She’s emailed today and asked how I am in terms of my health but as I said to her last night, we need to cut all contact. I can’t be friends and be around when she meets someone else in the future.

    As hard as it is to admit to myself, I need to move on.

    #115735
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2842

    @LeeH A person can “love” another person in a platonic way, but since she doesn’t have anymore romantic love for you, it’s best to move on like you said.. Cutting all ties is also the best way because if you continue to have romantic loving feelings for her, it will hurt a lot more when she doesn’t return those type feelings! I’m sorry this happened, but you will feel better and better as time goes by as long as you don’t obsess about her!

    Take care of yourself and stay safe..

    #115740
    AvatarLeeH
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Just an update for you. Part of the reason why she wants to move on is because of my ex wife, I was with married when we first met, she was too. Nothing happened until after the split but she was besotted with me and I didn’t know, it hurt her a lot and she can’t get over it. This was like 6 years ago.
    I’ve not been feeling too well and my ex wife, the mother of my children, asked if I’d like to walk with them. I’ve not left the house in a week so agreed…you’ve guessed it, she walks past. What followed was a barrage of irate messages saying she felt nothing, she wasn’t bothered and how relieved she feels etc. If she wasn’t bothered and she is over me, why would she get so mad?

    #115741
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2842

    @LeeH Why haven’t you been feeling well?

    Don’t you visit with your children fairly frequently?? Do you live near your ex wife or ex girlfriend and how is it that your ex girlfriend saw you? Maybe she’s upset that you wont let go!!!

    Sounds like you continue to torture yourself with the possibility of reconciliation instead of moving on.. reconciliation doesn’t seem possible and you need to accept that!

    Keep us posted:)

    #115742
    AvatarLeeH
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    We all live within a two mile radius but I went to a nearby town with my ex wife and children just to get out of the house, I need a bit of assistance at the moment and we still have a good relationship for the children’s sake. It was literally a one in a million chance of bumping into her on a country road.
    If she genuinely felt nothing when she seen us together then I’m sure a few nice messages would have followed rather than anger, I was visably struggling to walk.
    I’m suffering with nerve damage, face, hands and feet so I can’t walk far, may be more to it though so it’s a worrying time. I know I need to concentrate on myself.

    #115743
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2842

    @LeeH I’m sorry for your nerve damage(what’s the cause?) and the problems you have with it. Hope you will or have had it checked out by a doctor.

    It seems you’re grasping for a more positive reason for the angry reaction your ex had when she saw you. Maybe you think she’s still in love with you or was jealous or something, but the reality is she has moved on from you and doesn’t want a romantic relationship!

    Please stay safe!

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