This clearly isn't a typical break-up, so what do I do?

We went to the movie yesterday. It isn’t a matter of doing that. We went, had plans to eat dinner and hang out after, he started to change our plans, and then decided he didn’t want to and enthusiastically told me to come over. Then he told me he was sorry for trying to bail on the plans. This is all where my last post (at the very bottom of the last page) comes in. I’m not sure if you saw that or not, but that’s what I’m really upset/confused about. I know I’m overthinking things, but what I said is a lot to take in. Please read it if you haven’t?

It is like having an unofficial relationship. He acts like he misses me and wants to spend time with me and he physically wants me. But he’s mentally caught up in the idea of being single and not being tied down, so he’s stuck in this situation where his words and actions don’t line up. And I’m obviously caught in the same position, because I’m dealing with it. I think things will make a lot more sense when you read that post.

So, I just got back from talking to my case worker at my university this morning. I’ve been seeing her for the past couple weeks, and she seems to have a very grounded, insightful opinion on how things are working out for me. This includes both positive and negatives actions I’m taking, as well as how I might better interpret how my ex is acting and work towards finding comfortable, solid, healthy ground for the two of us. I’m warning ahead of time that this post is probably going to be very long, but I’m definitely interested to see if anyone agrees with her in my specific situation and I also think there’s a lot of insight other people in similar situations could take away from this.

The first thing that we addressed or talked about is this idea that we are no longer in a relationship, he says he wants to be single, and yet his actions completely speak otherwise. I’ve heard the “unofficial relationship” or “you’re still dating” comment enough times from people on this board and from her to comfortably believe my gut when it tells me that this is not how people who are normally broken up act. The biggest issue she told me that she currently sees for us is that I’m so set in MY ideas of what “breaking up” means or what “being single” is defined as or what a “relationship” is that I’m hurting myself because I can’t understand that he may not see things in the way I do. When I think of being single, I think of not having someone to depend on, not having someone I’m romantically or sexually involved with on a regular basis, not having a commitment, etc. She told me to stop and consider (but obviously not assume) that his definition of being single might be different. To him, being single may mean not living together, not having a commitment to seeing each other every day, and not being overly romantic, but it may not include shutting each other out, dating other people, avoiding each other, etc. Her challenge to me on this is to try and figure out what he means when he says he broke up with me and he wants to be single. That if I can figure out what that entails for him, I can better work off of that to see if my needs and wants are being met by what he is willing to give me. In all honesty, the only thing I truly want from him at this point is for him not to see other people. I don’t care if we take things slower or aren’t as romantic as we used to be. I don’t care if we don’t see each other every day or if we sleep over less or don’t call/text much in the mean time. I don’t care if we don’t have an official title. I do care about us seeing other people, so if I can get a grounded definition as to whether or not that exclusivity is in the cards, I can decide whether this is something that works for me or not. I obviously would not encourage everyone to go out and speak to their exes about what the status of their relationship entails and what that person is wanting right now. But if you’re in a situation similar to mind, having those defined boundaries seems like it has the potential to help us going really far in determining what we are and are not willing to put up with.

The second thing she talked to me about was my general hesitation and passivity within our previous relationship and our current whatever the hell this is. I have a tendency or learned habit to shy away from situations where I have to initiate contact or communication, and I have a tendency to take a lack of invitation as a flat out rejection. In other words, I essentially do what my ex does, I just handle it differently and I didn’t realize I was even doing it. Her example for me was to think of last night. I walked home at 1:30 in the morning, I was exhausted, and all I wanted was just to curl up in bed with him and stay the night. She asked me whether or not I’d addressed this need/want with him, and I told her know. She then asked me how I acted or responded at the end of the night once our movie was over, and I told her that I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse and said good night to him before leaving. I was then asked to put myself in his shoes and consider what I would’ve been thinking in his situation, if he’d been at my house and then started getting his things together. I would’ve immediately assumed he didn’t want to stay, otherwise he would’ve asked if he could. She reminded me that that goes both ways. That being passive or assuming he has to expressly give me permission for something to be okay can often times come across as a lack of interest to the other party. Is there any guarantee he would’ve let me stay or been okay with it if I’d asked? Of course not. But given the context of how the rest of the night went, is it safe to say that he liked having me there and was comfortable with me and may have been happy to let me sleep with him, had I asked? Of course.

She told me that in the psychology world, or in terms of people who look at relationships, this kind of tit-for-tat game is usually referred to as “bids”. Any time we talk to someone, make eye contact, smile at them, make plans with them, have physical contact with them, etc. in a positive manner, we are making an emotional bid on that person. There are of course negative bids as well. The general consensus is that if you can have a ratio of five positive bids for every one negative bid you experience, than the relationship (be it romantic or friendly) is probably a solid one. In my situation, being involved with someone who sees things like I do and takes silence or lack of invitation as rejection, no contact actually can make things worse. Obviously this doesn’t mean I need to call and text him 24/7, but it means that me staying silent, not sending him a text message, taking ten hours to reply, etc. are all negative bids in my case. This has a lot to with why he tends to shut down, ignore me, act “butt hurt”, or seem cold after we’ve gone through periods of time of not talking or him constantly initiating contact. He’s been continually doing or saying things that are positive bids, and my lack of a response or lack of initiating the same kind of things are negative bids that outweigh any progress we’ve made. A prime example of this is when I was working Friday night. I got there and he wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. We hadn’t communicated over text in two days and I hadn’t asked him for a ride in that day. I’d given him nothing but negative bids. Obviously, I’m not the only one who should have to put in effort here, but that explains his behavior. When I started chatting with him, trying to help him get his job duties done, smiling, catching his eye when he walked by, he was getting the positives from me, and that’s why he slowly started warming up to the point he was waiting for me at the end of the night to give me a ride home. It also explains why when the ride didn’t work out, his texting behavior went back to being cold. As stated before, the way these bids work should not be used as an excuse for our partners to treat us poorly or act immaturely and pout. That being said, at least from my perspective, I see these as a really good way of understanding my ex’s behavior and why I get the responses I do from certain actions I take. He told me last night that he feels guilty or like he uses me because I do not initiate plans or physical contact with him. I give him negative bids on that front, so he feels negative emotions in return. IT MAKES SENSE!

The last thing she really addressed was this idea of guilt that people in my shoes seem to feel. In my case, I feel a whole lot of guilt and feel very negative because I feel like I have all these needs that aren’t being met and he feels the same way for the same reason. The difference is that he feels like his needs aren’t being met because I’m not meeting him halfway. I’m assuming that if I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t want to talk. That if he doesn’t make plans, he doesn’t want to see me. I’m leaving the ball in his court every single time, and it gets exhausting to him because at the end of the day, everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated and like the other person cares enough to step up to the plate. And he’s not getting that from me. On my side, my needs aren’t being met because I’m not saying or doing anything. I’m at a standstill and I’m making no apparent attempts to get myself moving again. I’m waiting for him to do things for me and to make them easy for me, and he can’t do that all the time. You can’t get what you don’t ask for, and he deserves more than to always have to be the one who wants me. She said if we (or at least I, as I can’t make him do anything and he hasn’t heard this) can work on this, we will both feel much less guilt and anxiety, and may start to actually be able to enjoy each other’s company and intimacy.

I’ll have to see him at work tonight for a dumb wine tasting we have to do (neither of us like wine but we work at a winery, so I guess it makes sense…) but that’s not exciting or intimate and it’s us seeing each other out of necessity, not wanting. Her final challenge to me today is to try reaching out to him. She told me that she wants me to try sending him a text or dropping him a note to let him know I’m thinking about him or that I care. That I need to take the first step at a positive bid and at being in charge and not forcing him to serve me the ball every single time. She said I should give myself two minutes to write something so it’s genuine and I don’t overthink it, to send it/do it, and then just let it go. At that point, I have served and he can respond back (she thinks he will) or he can ignore it. But either way, I can know that I did something and he can know that I care enough to take some responsibility for our interactions. I realize this goes against all of Kevin’s ideas and this is a TERRIBLE idea for people not in situations similar to mine, so take this idea with a grain of salt. But for me, I personally think it’s a great idea. I’m curious as to what y’all think about this, and everything else I’ve said.

Anyone out there?