This clearly isn't a typical break-up, so what do I do?

So maybe he doesn’t talk much or have a lot to say or seems annoyed because it’s hard for him to see what he’s missing because of the choice he made?

I’ll try and bring it up casually. We may or may not have the car ride to ourselves, so we’ll see how that pans out.

One of my coworkers just bumped into me and I dropped like twenty plates all over the floor. They didn’t all break but a lot of them did and they hit my leg on the way down. I was sobbing and he stopped to ask me what was wrong and what not and said he was sorry and frowned but did nothing else. No hug. Nothing. He doesn’t care about me one iota and I don’t know why I ever thought otherwise.

Things got so much weirder tonight. Long story short, I let him drive me home. I just recapped this for a friend, so here it is. Thoughts are always appreciated! 😛

So, we were in the car. Just shooting the shit, talking about random stuff, talked about Ultron and he has no idea I’ve seen it, etc. It was good. He said he was super tired and I told him he should go to bed when he gets home. He said he needed to eat first, and then told me he’d probably make pasta. A couple minutes later, he asks me what I’m going to eat and I told him I didn’t know and needed to go grocery shopping. He said I could come eat pasta if I wanted, and I thought about it for a minute. It was really funny because he looked over at me really oddly while I paused and finally I said, “Okay.”

So we drove, got to his house, and I just kind of hung out in his living room/bedroom while he put some water on. We just ended up talking a bunch, he played some stuff on his mandolin for me, and he’d leave every few minutes to go check on something in the kitchen. He kept asking me what I was doing and I told him I was just sitting and hanging out and he told me I could do that at the kitchen table. So I hung out in there, he gave me some fruit candies in my favorite flavor/the flavor he won’t eat, let me eat a cookie his mom made, and joked around about the pasta. It was made, we ate it, it was good, he gave me some homemade lemonade to drink with it when he asked if I was thirsty and I said yes.

Finished dinner, I washed my dish, he said he had to go to the bathroom, so I just went and hung back out on his loveseat in the other room. It’s a weird apartment so I’m not sure how else to explain it other than it’s a split living room/bedroom. He came in, sat down, and asked me what I wanted to do. I said that he looked pretty tired and I could go, or he could come watch an episode of our show, or we could always do that later. He agreed with that, but we both just kind of sat there. I looked at his mandolin and asked him if he’d finished this song he was working on. He told me no but that he had some new lyrics and I joked that of course I wouldn’t get to hear them because he never plays anything in the works for me. He got the lyrics up on his laptop for me instead and let me read them.

I don’t know how we got there, but I ended up going through his iTunes and seeing what he’d recently bought. On there was this song that I once put in a video about the two of us, that he’d gotten off the USB drive I let him borrow. I started playing that, and it’s kind of about love, and he just sat with his chin in his hands and kind of glanced at me then wouldn’t look at me and seemed to be thinking. I switched through a bunch of other songs after that, and we sang along. The weird thing though was that during this whole thing, he kind of moved closer to me on the couch. He lightly brushed my giant bruise on my knee a couple of times with his fingers, like more than once. He also adjusted himself at one point so my feet were touching his leg and then eventually adjusted so our feet were touching.

Finally, he asked again what I wanted to do. I told him I knew he was tired, so I’d head out. He just kind of said okay and looked really exhausted but also troubled. I told him he looked like something was wrong and he denied it a bunch of times. He asked me if I needed a ride home and I told him it was only three blocks. He tried to insist but I told him to sleep and that I’d text him when I made it home so he knew I was fine. He agreed to that, and gave me a hug good bye.

He only put one arm around me, but the hug lasted a lot longer than it probably should’ve. Then he kind of pulled back and said something, I don’t remember what, and we sort of hugged again. Then again he said something and then was silent, we both had our arms around each other’s waists, and rubbed the other one with our thumbs slightly. I felt like maybe he wanted to kiss me, but didn’t. So then he said he’d walk me downstairs, and I let him. He stood at the door and said good night and I told him I’d see him tomorrow. He said the matinee is at 4:45 and I told him I’d see him and Spencer then, then clarified that he and I were going to do dinner afterwards. He said sure and that it sounded good. Then we just kind of looked at each other and I smiled and said good night and walked off.

I’m actually really proud of myself for how I acted while I was at his place! I was very calm and collected. I was polite and respected that it’s his space, but acknowledged a couple of times that I really like it and think it suits him quite well. I didn’t get caught up too much on what did or didn’t happen. And even though I technically did stay a half hour or so past when I initially offered to leave, I didn’t overstay my welcome to the point he kicked me out. I was happy, I smiled, and it was really genuine. I had a good time, and I honestly felt like I got a lot of personal power over being that way, unlike him. He just seemed nervous or distracted or upset the majority of the time I was there, though not with me.

The fact that he invited me over initially felt like a good sign, particularly because we had plans for the next day (now today!) anyways, so he didn’t need to do anything. I mean, I baited him a little to ask by telling him I didn’t have groceries, but even so he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want me to. He initiated physical contact of some kind, which felt really good to me. The fact that some of that was really intimate, like touching and examining my thigh bruise or touching our feet together, spoke volumes to me. Our hug was definitely longer than a normal hug between exes or friends is, and he lingered with his arm around me when we first pulled apart. Hell, I think I even pulled away from him first. It felt like he wanted to kiss me, but he was restraining himself or waiting for me to step up for it. It also occurred to me that he could’ve simply hugged me with one arm because if he’d had me full in both, it would’ve been too hard to stop himself from kissing me.

Admittedly, he could’ve just wanted sex and that’s why he acted like that. However, the couple of times we’ve done that since we’ve broken up, he’s just flat out told me he wants me or asked if I want to. He hasn’t just been sweet and intimate like that, then let it go.

I feel like this gives me a really good power position for what’s going on right now. I left him wanting me (in some capacity) last night, and now he gets to go with a movie with his friend and I (hah! his bad!) this afternoon, then we’re going out to dinner. If he wants me or is regretting this, I have a hard time believing he’s not going to be thinking about this all day while we’re apart and then trying to figure out what to do while we’re together.

Feel free to let me know if you disagree with any of this though. I’m interested to hear people’s perspectives.

I’m not going to sleep with him anymore. If I were willing to do that, I would’ve last night. I wanted to, but I stuck to my guns. I could’ve easily kissed him or done something at any point, but I didn’t, and I’m proud. I’m not going to let physical contact happen unless it’s meaningful.

So, long story short, the movie went well. Dinner plans got really up in the air and weird for a bit, as he kept trying to change them and told me he just wanted to go home at one point, but eventually he messaged me and told me to “Come over!” about a half hour after we’d split up from the movie.

I got there and we just spent a bunch of time talking. He immediately let me in and asked how I was doing, told me he’d just turned the oven on for dinner, and tried to help me get comfortable. Like I said, he told me he was sorry about before, when he tried backing out for no reason, and I told him he had nothing to be sorry about and I’d had nothing to be sorry about and we just shouldn’t worry about it. So we prepped dinner and talked about the movie and ate dinner and then decided to walk to the grocery store across the street. Our favorite japanese candy just happened to be SUPER on sale so we each bought like five bags, and we divided up the bags by our favorite flavors when we got back. We just sat and talked for a really long time on his couch about random, non-important things. He brought up the fact that I’d wanted to talk to him and told me I should. I told him I’d do it tonight but that I needed some time to get my thoughts together. So the subject changed and at a certain point, I got up. He asked me what I was doing and then came over to me, and started embracing me, asking me what I wanted to do. I asked him what he wanted, we bantered, it was pretty clear he wanted me, and since I didn’t immediately say yes, he backed off. He went and flopped on the couch and apologized a ton and I went to the bathroom then came back. I sat next to him while he was laying down, we talked more, and he eventually pulled me in for a kiss. So, long story short, we had sex. Except we’ve like NEVER had sex like this before. Obviously, you probably don’t need details but it was just way more intense than usual. So we finished and were still on the couch and I just kind of started to involuntarily cry. It felt so good and I was so overcome with emotion, and I tried to stop myself. He hugged me tight and rubbed my back and told me to let it all out. So we were like that for a little bit, finally separated, cleaned up, and I told him I knew he was going to end up pulling the whole distant thing and feeling guilty thing and he said he wouldn’t. So we started this movie we’d planned on watching, and of course he started doing that. And then apologized a ton. Eventually, midway through the movie, we had a semi-talk where I tried to explain my idea but butchered it. I didn’t explain what I wanted well at all. He just kind of shut down and wouldn’t look at me at all and literally rolled over at one point so he was basically upside down and facing away from me.

Finally, I got him to talk and he just said he feels so bad because he feels like he’s hurting me or using me and this is why he told me he didn’t want me to come over. Because he knew he’d have a hard time seeing me and wanting me and feeling guilty if I let him into my life. He said he also really struggles because I never try to initiate plans or physical contact. And while I don’t know if this is the right thing for us right now, I just essentially told him that I like what we have now and I don’t feel used. And if he’s using me, I’m also using him. And it’s true. I don’t feel dirty or cheap or used at the end of any of this. He told me that he feels like he’s using me but I’m not using him because I don’t contact him about hanging out or wanting him. I don’t initiate the sex or what not. And I told him I don’t intend to do that and I want him all the time. I’m just awkward about it. I didn’t think he’d want me to say anything. I just told him that at the end of the day I’m sick of us feeling guilty for spending time together or doing other things, and that’s what I mean by dating. I want us to be able to call or text each other to do something and want us to be able to be physical without feeling guilty. Nothing really got nailed down, but he finally kind of understood and we finished the movie. I started falling asleep and my head was on his shoulder. He never put his head on mine or cuddled or anything really after that, but he didn’t complain. I got up a couple of times and he kept wondering where I was going and if I was okay. Finally, the movie ended and he offered to drive me home and I told him no. He tried to walk me downstairs to the building exit and I told him no. He went to brush his teeth while I got my things together and told me to wait to leave until he was done. He then came and gave me a big hug, starting one armed and ending two armed. He hugged me real tight and kissed my forehead and told me he’d see me tomorrow but he probably couldn’t drive me. And then smiled and told me to let him know I got home safely. I did and he sounded really happy and said good night. That was it.

So now I’m just stuck wondering what the hell happened. His words say one thing, his actions say another, at least to me. I’m wondering what other people think. I keep thinking that NC or LC is the only way I’m really going to be able to get through to him and get him to miss me, but at the same time, I think that’d really mess things up. Our entire talk tonight was based around the idea that we could be genuine with each other about our wants and that I need to be more upfront with him/true to myself in saying when I need or want something. And if I snip all contact, I’m not living up to that and I’m also unfortunately going against one of his constant traits, which is feeling incredibly rejected and put out and butt hurt and not wanting to be around me if he gets rejected at all or ignored. Gah. No idea what to do or think. PLEASE HELP!