This clearly isn't a typical break-up, so what do I do?

God, I’ve gotten myself all worked up and so paranoid that none of this is going to work out. I mean, of course there are no guarantees. But I just keep sitting here and thinking that this is all for nothing and that come Monday and the movie, he’ll just be done with me.

I don’t know. Nothing has happened today. We haven’t talked at all, and I think all of the being by myself is getting to me. I know no contact is about taking care of myself, but today has just been a hard day for some reason.

I guess I just expected that if he wanted to talk to me or were excited about the movie, he’d have tried to. Even if it meant talking about something pointless to get a conversation going. And I’ve had plenty of things I could say to him, but I’ve skipped them because I know I’m just fishing for reasons to talk to him, and that’s probably dumb. I’m fairly certain he went out for frozen yogurt with his ex-girlfriend (the one before me), and I know he has zero feelings for her and she was kind of a sore spot in our relationship for no reason, but it still bums me out. I’m not important enough to talk to today (when he supposed cares about me…) but she is? I know that’s silly. Frozen yogurt for an hour is not the same as the stuff he’s done for me or asking me to a movie, but I still feel like a moron.

People keep telling me I need to bring up the dating idea too, after the movie, and I’m just scared he’ll shoot it down. Why wouldn’t he? He already ended our relationship, it can’t be that hard to deny me just trying to go on simple dates and start from the beginning.

I don’t even know. I’m just paranoid and sad and missing him. I want this to work.

That’s just it though. I feel like I keep expecting something magical to happen or I keep expecting him to make some kind of move/gesture, and when he doesn’t, it feels like he don’t care and I have to shut down. He doesn’t talk to me as much as he used to when we dated? He doesn’t care. He doesn’t hug me when he leaves? He doesn’t care. Stupid stuff like that. So when is it ever going to feel like the right time? I just feel like I look desperate and like a burden trying to talk to him at all.

I want to think he’s not texting me for the same reasons. That he’s waiting on me to say something or he’s trying not to look desperate. The fact of the matter is though that I sent him the last message. He could’ve responded, but he didn’t. Sure, there wasn’t a ton to say, but if he wanted to talk he could’ve worked it out.

I just don’t see how he couldn’t reject that idea. If he wanted to date me or to try and reconcile, I’m here any time. I’d talk to him anytime. Hell, it’s taking every ounce of strength in my body not to just text him right now and ask him to come over. He probably wouldn’t anyways, but it takes that much strength. I guess the way I see it is that if he really cared or wanted me, he has a million options and he’s not appearing to use a single one of them for whatever reason 🙁

I’m interested as to what you think things could lead to if we did spend that weekend together, as there was a minor development with that yesterday. I’m trying not to take anything too optimistically, but I went in to work yesterday and looked at the schedule, as often times our boss will hand update things there that don’t make it online. Of course, it still said I get Sunday and Monday of the long weekend off and he gets the whole enchilada. This kind of irritated me, until suddenly my boss comes up and asks if I noticed that he gave me the time off I asked for. I tell him that yes I did, I’m appreciative, but I’m a little confused as to why the ex has a full four days off and I have two, considering I requested those days for both of us and they were for the same event. He didn’t really have a good answer but then suddenly lit up and remember that my ex had just told him he wanted to work Friday and Saturday like I was, and only wanted those two weeks. Now, this could just be a coincidence. He’s a hard worker and hates leaving our employers feeling like he’s not doing enough. That being said, he rarely sees his family and they’re so far away that I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t want those extra two days with them unless he has something up his sleeve. He also is not particularly in need of the money of the two extra days of work, so that’s not a major concern. One of my friends thinks this sounds like a very good sign that he’s hoping we’ll work it out and I can go, but I’m trying not to be too hopeful about it.

Part of that is because of a really weird interaction/overall night we had yesterday. I got to work slightly late because my coworker is never on time and I was a moron for thinking she’d get me there when I needed to be. I walked in, he saw me, tried to catch my eye, and my boss immediately pulled me into a big task, so I really couldn’t even give him the time of day. Once this passed, he completely ignored me. He wouldn’t look at me, he went out of his way to walk different paths that didn’t pass me, and he had nothing to say. I had half a snickers bar I’d been saving for him, gave it to him, and got a really quiet thank you. Then more of the same behavior. Finally, I started trying to communicate with him a little. He was fairly distant and quiet at first, but the more I kind of kept at it and the later the night went on, the more he would look at me, smile, talk, etc. He also was making a point to walk past me. Same friend said he was again probably butt hurt and confused that I’d gone two days without texting him, I hadn’t asked him for a ride into work, and then wouldn’t look at him when he tried to catch my eye. Y’know, the point of no contact. Hence the coldness, and then the warming up once I actually gave him my attention. This left me really confused on where to continue standing in terms of contact, LC, or NC, so I just thought I’d try to go with my gut from here on out. I hate feeling like I’m contacting him too much or looking desperate, and I know I should be making him work for it and feel weird that he’s not hearing from me, but I feel like it’s making him shut down and hurt and angry as opposed to confused and missing me.

Anyways, I’d made up my mind that I was going to ask him for a ride home if possible. Throw him a bone, y’know? And myself one, because I wanted to spend time with him. Of course, right as I make this decision, my boss tells me I’m on vacuuming duty with a couple other people for the night. This means we would be the very last people out of the restaurant. I was really irritated and knew there was no way I could get a ride with him at that point. Except he stayed. There was literally nothing else to do and he came up with excuses of sweeping and wiping down table bases. Once those were done, and we were still vacuuming, he stood in one of the server’s stations on his iPod using the internet. Now, internet hasn’t been hooked up in his new apartment so it’s definitely possible that he was just using the work wifi and that was why he stayed later. But I got done with vacuuming, everyone seemed ready to head out, and I had to go to the bathroom. I stated that I was going, ran downstairs, went, then came up. My friend told me that apparently he’d kind of lingered and looked around casually, but he didn’t see me so he’d literally headed out the door about 30 seconds before we had. So no dice on a ride. I was really bummed and figured/hoped he probably was too.

So, per friend’s advice, I decided to text him when I got home and back to my phone. This is the one thing of the night that really throws me and makes me feel like I messed something up or totally read EVERYTHING else wrong last night…
Me: You vanished! And just successfully enough that I didn’t get to talk to you.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: No apology necessary. Are you on a double tomorrow?
Him: Yes I am.
Me: Well then, when you’re awake and lively in the morning, I’ll plan on asking you if you’d mind driving me in!
Him: Alrighty! I’m already driving Mike.
Me: No need to pack up the car then. I should’ve asked sooner.
Him: I don’t mind if you don’t mind sitting in the backseat?
Me: I’d meant to ask earlier, along with meaning to ask if I could get a ride tonight. I’m rather fond of riding shotgun, though I guess that doesn’t matter much.
Him: Who did you get a ride home with tonight?
Me: Erica. I went downstairs to go to the bathroom and you were gone.
Him: I’m sorry I didn’t know.
Me: I’d meant to ask you. I just thought maybe I needed to wait for the candy buzz to kick in… (I’d told him earlier to eat that snickers part because he was tired and hungry) It’s not your fault. I’ll just have to try again next time.
Him: Thank you for the snickers I ate it when I got home.
Me: You’re welcome. I hope it wasn’t melted or inedible at that point.
Me: Have a good night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow (since he didn’t reply)

Technically, this continued until like 1:00 or 1:15 am, so I can understand that it’s possible he didn’t reply because he fell asleep. I just feel terrible that he didn’t reply. I feel like I looked desperate and annoyed him, hence the short replies or lack of exclamation points like he uses sometimes. I was just trying to go with what my friend said, that he seems butt hurt about my lack of communication and trying to spend time with him, but I feel like maybe it backfired. I don’t know. I showed this to that friend and they said he’s probably just giving me a taste of my own medicine now. That deep down he’s probably happier now and wants to give me a ride and what not, but that he feels like I gave him nothing for the past two days so he has to do essentially the same thing. That and that he was probably really tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone and was “clearly lying about not knowing you needed a ride/him planning on asking to drive you home” (friend’s words, not mine, no idea if that’s true). I just can’t seem to calm myself down. The rest of the night seemed so good once he warmed up, and I genuinely thought he was waiting for me, so the conversation threw me for a loop. Besides trying to calm myself down and get feedback before I leave, I also now have to decide whether or not to ask him for that ride and deal with possibly sitting in the back or whatever else could happen, or try to find a last minute ride and risk that not working out and us having a repeat of him being my last resort. Ugh. Please help. I am sure I’m overthinking this and you can put a more realistic or positive spin on it, but I need to hear it from someone else to believe it.