This clearly isn't a typical break-up, so what do I do?

Hey Oshi!

Things have happened, but I can’t say any of it is really definite progress. Today is officially day sixteen of no contact, so I’m over the halfway hump. I don’t feel like I’ve really made a ton of progress in feeling better or being over him, but I am trying to improve my actions, so who does. At a bare minimum, I’ve had the self-restraint to not contact him, save for one text message yesterday that was genuinely 100% necessary (multiple board members and friends agreed).

We didn’t see each other or talk for an entire week before I was forced to see him via work. He spent that week being short and kind of cold, keeping it to work, and giving me what mostly seemed like kind of sheepish or sad/forced smiles. Other than that, he’d walk right by me or not pay much attention to me. He really only seemed to interact with me whatsoever when he knew without a doubt that I’d respond or be paying attention to him. I saw him at work occasionally while he was there for two events that week, and we were in the restaurant together for maybe two hours on one shift that he was very cranky and tired. During one of the events, he seemed to go out of his way to try and find reasons to be in proximity to me. I pretty much said this all before, but there’s the brief recap.

The second week hasn’t necessarily been better, just different. He has been a fair amount more talkative, though it’s really only been about work, other than, “How’s it going?” and “When do you get off?” He seems to have less of a problem being in close proximity to me, in that he’ll come up to the hostess station when I’m there, work on the same tables or those near me, we’ve even been right next to each other or brushed briefly. He smiles at me much bigger when he catches my eye at work, and goes out of his way to look at me when he doesn’t have to. I also can’t say for sure but when he was on the wedding on Saturday, he spent a lot of time passing through my part of the building, a part that is absolutely nowhere near anything needed for events of that kind. All of this being said, we still haven’t really had any kind of talk and he hasn’t stepped up yet or anything. His crazy ex is still being crazy and she requested him on facebook, which he accepted. I also got stuck at work yesterday until someone could give me a ride, which could potentially take hours. Long story short, I was off at 4 pm and got stuck there until 11 because my ex and another coworker took off at 8 without offering me a ride. In all technicality, both my bosses and the other coworker have said they had no idea I needed one or the coworker/my ex would’ve offered to get me home. It just seems odd to think that I could’ve still been there after work and they’d think it had to do with anything other than needing a ride home. Who knows though? My ex said he felt absolutely terrible and that no one had told him.

My hope is to continue my next two weeks of NC and then possibly talk to him. I won’t rush it if it still doesn’t feel like the right time, but general consensus among my friend/board members I talk to outside of here is that things seem to gradually be getting better and my absence seems to be having an effect on him. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but there definitely was a noticeable difference in his behavior between the first two weeks. I guess I’m just afraid that he’s being more social and peppy not because he’s missing me and he finally gets to see me, but because he’s getting over it and he really does have someone. I just feel like I’d have heard about it more or seen them by now if that were the case. I don’t know.

How is your situation going?

Wow, harsh much? As it turns out, the ex doesn’t appear to be a threat. I trained her all day, she was amicable almost the entire time, and told me her summer job that she originally had planned had fallen behind on everyone’s paperwork and she needed to get working so she asked my ex to help her find a job, as she knows they’ll hire just about anyone. The day wasn’t bad with her at all.

That being said, one of my coworkers said the night before (Monday), she’d seen him out at the bars with his buddies for one of their 21sts. They apparently had a girl with them who seems to be into him, and he introduced her to my coworker and had his arm around her for a bit. My coworker said he looked really spooked and like he’d been caught when he knew he’d been seen, and like he kind of started freaking about the whole thing. She didn’t have much else to report, as she was pretty drunk after that and said none of them stayed very long.

I’d seen my counselor earlier yesterday, before I went to work, and she told me I’d finally hit a point where she thinks that I need to talk to him. Not only that, but if I really want to try and reconcile things and work it out, I need to admit all of my feelings and stop playing games. She said it obviously may not work, as nothing is ever guaranteed in life. And that yes, it’d technically unfair that I should have to step up versus him. But we’re at a standstill and someone has to break it. She also told me to put myself in his shoes. To imagine I had told him I was going on a date and then picture him saying nothing and not talking to me for two weeks. To imagine how I’d feel. And I knew I’d feel ignored and upset and like things hadn’t worked out how I’d wanted them to, even if it wasn’t fair of me to expect a reaction once I’d said that. She told me that from her perspective, he was jealous and upset and he expected me to try and reconcile things once I heard someone else might be in the picture. And once I didn’t react, he decided to go for it because he really had nothing to lose anymore.

I know I probably won’t get any kind of positive outcome, and anyone reading this will tell me I’m crazy and that she isn’t a rebound, I need to move on, etc. People are not likely to agree with my counselor or think we should have a big talk, as that’s not how the rules of this website work. But in this case, NC honestly has seemed to do more harm than good for me. I don’t think this system ever should’ve been applied for my case and I’m hoping that I can still salvage something even though I’ve ignored him for the last two and a half weeks.

I guess I’m just wondering what people think I should say to him or make sure to include. And how this truly looks from a rebound vs. not rebound standpoint. His weird behavior and distance didn’t start until my guy friend was here, and before that we were still hanging out and happy and he was going out of his way to spend time with me. After his first initial freak out, and my lack of reassurance or lack of real reaction, he still initiated plans and wanted to be around me. The timing just doesn’t make sense to me if this is a legitimate relationship versus a way to cope, but I guess I just need to talk to someone about it.

He undeniably started acting this way just after my friend came, or as he was around. If that wasn’t the case, I’d have literally zero evidence or reason to support the idea that he’s been jealous and his subsequent actions have been due to that. He has never once outright said that he’s jealous, so I have technically been operating off of an assumption. This assumption is based on the timing, the fact that over the course of that week my friend was here that he asked me if he was staying with me/for how long/if he’d left yet/etc., how he insisted on coming here versus me going there, all of that jazz. I can kid myself about a lot of things, but the timing is not one of them. The timeline for when this weirdness began is solid.

I think in this case, there’s really nothing else to do but talk to him. I’ve finally held myself in limbo for too long. If he really has been jealous and feeling like he needs to move on because I have, then me communicating my feelings clearly should help remedy that. If he was never jealous (just acting weird) or he’s actually serious about this girl, I need to move on anyways. NC is just not cutting it for me in terms of taking care of myself. I have always had clean breaks. They have always been painful, but they’ve been clean. There was no ambiguity. This has been nothing but ambiguous and I have to clear it up. I can’t take care of myself properly with the ambiguity and being around him a ton. And if after all of this he’s still convinced that he doesn’t want to be with me or has no feelings for me, despite me knowing for sure that he does, then what’s the point? He’s living in a state of delusion and someone needs to be blunt with him to try and make everything clear. To get him out of his head and into talking. And if I can’t do that now, I won’t be able to do it until he decides to on his own. And any relationship he has will be doomed anyways because the second he actually has to emotionally commit to this girl or consider a relationship with her or do something other than get an ego boost and an excuse to feel like he’s one of “the bros” like he’s never been before, he’s going to freak out again.

All of this being said, and as much as I’m working to shoot down any hope I have so I won’t be totally damaged tomorrow if things don’t work out, there’s one other thing that’s really struck me about our conversation last night via text about meeting up, and how that relates to his seriousness for her. I asked him if he was working a double today and he told me yes. I asked him to let me know when he got home if that was possible, as I “need to drop by and I would rather not do that unannounced”. He responded by telling me he would let me know and that “if I wanted”, I could come over that morning before he heads to work instead. Based on this, it’s safe to say he’s letting me come over with absolutely no idea what’s going on, yes? For all he knows, I could be hoping to kick him in the balls or set his apartment on fire. This leads me to wondering: If someone were in a new relationship or really into the new person they’re seeing, don’t you think they’d have more questions as to what this is about/why I “need to drop by”? Particularly if you’re trying to avoid giving off the wrong impression to me as to what our relationship is like? And even outside of wanting to know what it’s about, if you really feel dedicated/committed to that person or feel like it has the potential for a strong future, do you think someone would even allow them to come over? Particularly late at night and to their apartment. Admittedly, he has a history of staying friendly with exes and not trying to shut them out completely. I mean, he’d talk to his ex a little in the beginning of us dating. Like the very beginning. But he outright told her once that it’s a little awkward to be talking to her while he was also talking to me. He was uncomfortable communicating with his ex while communicating with a new girl. So doesn’t this whole thing seem slightly suspect or sketch if he’s like 100% into her or over me? Like, if he is genuinely wanting to be with her and see where this goes and what not?

I’m probably overthinking things. Just a thought.