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That is not what I was saying you are doing and if it came across that I was criticizing you that was not my intention. I dont always express myself so great in English since it is not my first, second or even third language but I try. I was just stating my opinion that none of us can give any answers of his feeling because we dont know him or do not see the situation and at the end of the day none of us knows what is going on in persons head. Based on what you have told of situations I dont think this is hopeless either but what I dont want to see happen to you is that you stay in this limbo for a long time because that will eat you inside and can destroy the good things from your relationship because it will start impacting you and this I only say because I have the experience of being in this type of situation and until it is resolved one way or other you have no idea how awful it has been , you think you do (I did too) but not really. Having that talk will clear things for you and lets you make better decisions for yourself. I truly wish that he has done some thinking and knows now what he wants and that it is you.
@dragongirl Is there a way I can talk to you personally? There are some things going on and I think you may be able to help but I don’t want to make a big deal about it on here.
Tonight has been trying for me on many fronts. My less than six month old laptop charger crapped out today, and the only person I know in my small town with the same one is my ex. I am supposed to babysit my professor’s kids tomorrow and he left me a manual car to drive. I can’t drive a manual, and my ex can, and all I want is for him to help me out. It has taken lots of strength to realize that while I need help on both of these fronts, I shouldn’t ask him. I could but I shouldn’t.
I also know for a fact now that my ex at least ran into his crazy ex at the concert. She posted an Instagram photo of the two of them, her friend, and his brother. He looks so happy and it kills me because he’s making the same goofy face in that photo as he made in a photo with me an hour before we saw a concert of the same band in March. My friends say his eyes betray him in the new photo and that he doesn’t really look happy like he does in the one with me. They’re either lying to make me happy or I’m just too bummed to see it or both. Either way, not contacting him to make myself feel better about it took more strength than anything else ever has in my life. I’m dead serious. I know he doesn’t care about her, they won’t get back together, he didn’t invite her, etc. but that urge was so strong.
For now, I am just trying to be calm and okay. It’s only really the end of day four, if we’re being serious. I just have to keep it up and I have to remember that there is hope. I feel it in my gut that he’s not talking to me because he’s mirroring my actions and waiting for me or because he thinks I’m mad at him. Not because he doesn’t have the desire to talk. This doesn’t mean I’ll break, but remembering these things helps when I begin to doubt myself, him, and what I’m doing this for.
Any good thoughts or advice or opinions on our story are welcomed
I have a younger brother that is your age and he moved across country to be with a girl. They are both artists so they are around each other allll the time. They don’t have any free time and yet they are still together. They have been together 4 years. There are a lot of young couples that spend all their time together and yet they still continue to live together. I honestly think there is another issue that is having a serious impact on your relationship not just the fact that you guys used to spend too much time together.
It really sounds like your ex is at a point in his life where he has an inner need to play the field instead of settling down. This could be a major reason why he won’t step up and give you the relationship you want/need/deserve. The majority of guys go through a stage where they prefer dating different types of girls instead of being tied down in a serious relationship. They want to have fun with their buddies, have casual relationships and have one night stands. They also don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. As the days pass, he will either miss you too much and step up or he will become more emotionally detached and this urge to play the field will get stronger.
Most concerning is if you do get him back and continue this relationship, many times the guy resents the girl and he ends it yet again later down the line if he feels he didn’t get those inner urges out of his system. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you or wants you because I don’t doubt his feelings for you. I agree with Finntoga. You definitely need to sit down and speak to him and get all the details about where he stands-you need major clarification. He will only give you the relationship that you want if he’s at the stage of his life where he wants a serious relationship. But I’ve seen this situation a lot of times before. I think he does know in his heart but doesn’t know how to tell you the type of relationship that he wants.
@between you know what you dont need his help on the computer or car what you need is just take the initiative. I had moved to different country to be with my ex and I did not speak enough the language when couple of things in my apartment when and I needed help but you know what after shedding couple of tears and feeling sorry for myself , I gave myself a mental kick and first went to shop to buy the power plugs (had lost electricity) then in mobile phone light tried to see how to change it and I felt giving up but I stuck at it. Then next day I looked up closest store where I can buy tool and I fixed the curtain rail as well. I had never done those and thought I cant but I could. So check online is there anywhere locally where you can get a new charger, if not order one online I know it takes couple of days but you can do it. What comes to manual it is not that much different nor harder to learn so drive slowly on their road and do couple of practice runs and just trust yourself you and you can do these things. I know you are going through hard time but this is the time to learn to rely on yourself and you will be astonished how much you can actually learn to do yourself : ).
So I’m not going to sum up everything that has happened since my last post, as there has been way too much to cover in the half hour or so I have before I have to leave for work. I’ll just sum it up by saying that he biked by my house on day five or six, two days after the concert, we talked, and he spent the entire rest of the week pursuing me and doting on me. It was like the time apart really helped.
On Sunday night, we hung out when we probably shouldn’t have. We had both had a long day at work and should’ve just stayed home instead. We didn’t get into a spat or anything, but things just didn’t end how they should have. Then, of course, my cat got out somehow. My baby, who we adopted together. I didn’t realize until Monday morning that he was missing, and my ex and I freaked out and had to search for him. Luckily, we ended up finding him and all was well, though I think my ex was very stressed about it.
He worked and I went to school and we did all that jazz for the next couple days. On Wednesday, we ran into each other and he talked to me about my skydiving present to him the next day. He was super excited and actually told me he wanted me to come with him! I told him I’d think about it and let him know when he got home from work that night. He got home from work, was all excited to be off early, and texted me. I think he was trying to get me to initiate plans, but I wasn’t sure and my friend was in town, so I didn’t.
Long story short, after a couple hours, he texted me and told me he wasn’t going skydiving tomorrow and he was going to bed. I tried to ask him what the heck happened and he wouldn’t tell me. He said we’d talk to following day. This was Thursday. Since then, he said he’d go, but weather shut us out. We’ve seen each other and gone for a bike ride since then, and he seemed happy and friendly. He asked me if I needed a ride to work on Friday and then said he was giving me one anyways. But then he’s been very hot and cold and really hard to interpret.
Today is his birthday. This morning, he sent me a text saying thank you for his other small gift that he got. He told me it was too much and he’d pay me back. I said it wasn’t and he always says that about gifts and since it’s alcohol, he can make a drink to say thank you. Then he just blurted out, via text, that he’s going on a date. When I didn’t respond, he followed it by saying that’s why he was off last night. Then sent a third text saying he’s sorry. Finally, he sent a fourth text saying he was just trying to do the right thing.
Now, I’m pretty sure this is a rebound/revenge situation. But I’m not entirely sure, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY need opinions on this. From Monday through Thursday, I had an old friend from out of town staying with me. He’s a guy, and one that my ex doesn’t really know. I introduced him to my ex briefly on Monday when he came by to grab something, and he booked it out of there super quickly. Didn’t talk to me anymore until I talked to him first. He subtly, over the course of a couple of conversations, asked me if he was staying with me, for how long, and one day asked if he’d left yet. I told him he was leaving that morning (the morning where he was all happy about going skydiving) but he ended up deciding to stay another day. I kind of kept this hidden from my ex, but I think he somehow found out. When he got upset that night, he demanded to come over to get his laptop charger that I borrow and NOT for me to bring it over. The next morning, when he actually came and got it, he showed up at a totally random time that was different than what he said, like he was trying to catch us. My blinds and windows were closed but he kept glancing in the windows, like he was trying to catch someone, and played it off as wanting to see our cats. The next day, when he finally decided he’d go skydiving, he called me and told me to find out if I could still come. I told him I’d text him as soon as I was off the phone, and he drove up to my house within 2 minutes, and kept trying to come in. I mean, I don’t know for sure, but all of this seems like he was trying to investigate whether Billy (my friend) was still here or not. And seems like he got upset about that.
If you can give me some insight as to what you think is going on, PLEASE do. I need help so badly. Either way though, I haven’t responded to his four text messages and I am going to continue to be cool and be calm at work.
Hey between, haven’t been here for a while. Busy with studies >_<
By reading the first part of your post, until the point of him telling you about his date, I started thinking that maybe all he really wanted and his intentions were just to stay friends with you. BUT on the other hand I thought that there is no chance he’ll keep talking, spending time, being intimate, and being around you while all he really wants is just to stay friends with you. It just doesn’t make sense. It seems like he’s completely still attached to you so I thought that it doesn’t make sense to be only your friend.
When I read the second part (when your friend showed up) then everything became clear.
From the things you mentioned it looks like he’s really jealous. Coming to your house out of the blue and asking questions about your friend. It looks like he isn’t sure about your relationship between you and your friend and maybe he thinks that there are more to it. That’s why I think he suddenly changed his mind about the skydiving. Before he knew about him he was excited to go right? And that’s why he went on a date as well. Did you make it clear to him that he is only your friend and nothing more?He knew my friend was in town as of Monday night, when he came over and Billy was there. He’d also known he was coming into town at some point, but had no clarity on when. Billy is a friend I’ve known since high school but he lives out of town and we haven’t seen each other in years. I was given no opportunity to make it clear that he’s only a friend and nothing more. Wednesday morning is when my ex asked me if I wanted to skydive and when he asked me when Billy was leaving. I told him that morning because I thought it’d be that morning, and it wasn’t. It ended up being Thursday morning. Wednesday evening, he was still happy and excited and texting me enthusiastically. Wednesday night is when things went south. He was excited about going skydiving until some point on Wednesday. He told me it was due to a bad night of tennis, but I don’t buy that. It makes no sense. The only thing I can figure is that maybe he walked/biked/longboarded by and still saw the car or he saw the blinds down but lights on and assumed the worst or knew he was home.
I don’t know if he’s gone on a date, if he’s going, who it is, etc. It could’ve been on his morning off today, tomorrow night, or there could literally be no date. I have zero idea. All I know is that from the circumstances we’ve been in, I have zero idea how he could have met anyone else, as he spends all his free time with me or his friend Spencer. I have no idea why he’d have freaked out Wednesday night and then spent the next couple days doing stuff with me and driving me to work if he already had a date planned or thought there was a possibility of one. And I don’t know why he’d tell me about the date, even if he felt bad after I got him a birthday gift and said happy birthday. He owes me nothing, from where we stand. It’s like he told me to get my attention. He followed my lack of response up with three more texts, including one that said he was just trying to do the right thing. In what reality does he owe me “the right thing”? And since when is texting me instead of telling me to my face “the right thing”? I could be insane and it may not be jealousy at all, but it makes no sense to me otherwise. He did show up out of the blue a couple times or insisted upon coming to my place to get stuff instead of me bringing the stuff to him. He and Billy were also potentially going to meet and play music sometime that week, and I never brought it up. There’s just nothing that makes sense to me if he were really over me or wanting to be dating but I’m terrified I’m just kidding myself and no one else sees it that way and that he really is going to move on now.
If he was seriously thinking about moving on and going on a date then I don’t think he would have planned things with you and acting like things are normal. He did call you his girlfriend the other day so I don’t see any other reason for doing it when he’s not really thinking this way. It COULD be that he’s really planning on going on a date and feeling guilty for doing it because of your relationship right now. But again it just doesn’t make sense. Why would he text you so many times? And being around you and hanging out with you so much when he just sees you as a friend. I don’t know his intentions but there is definitely more to it.
Maybe next time you two are talking mention your friend and see how he responds, when you find the opportunity I think you should make it clear that he’s only a friend and nothing more. And if you feel like you can then maybe even talk with him about your relationship. I think you should have a conversation about it, that he’s addressing you as his girlfriend and you want to understand what it means to him. I think an honest conversation would help to solve this situation. It’s just my opinion and you don’t have to do it but I think like people here already said before you have to talk with him about this stuff and make it all clear.
We clearly need to have an honest talk, but at this point, it just feels so presumptuous for me to do anything other than take him at his word. Who am I to assume he’s just jealous and trying to make me feel the same, as opposed to really moving on or wanting to go on a date? Logically, it makes so much more sense to me that he wants me to feel as bad as he does or is acting irrationally, but I’m also biased. I want to still have hope.
Work was weird and awkward and hard. My overthinking probably made it more so. He spent a lot of time walking right by me, standing near me, glancing at me when he thought I couldn’t see, or briefly smiling at me. He asked me how I was, and thanked me profusely anytime I helped him with anything. He cracked a couple jokes and tried to get me to join in. But he also spent a lot of time not looking at me, avoiding eye contact, heading exactly where I was not, etc. It was so hot and cold.
Truthfully, he has done everything I’ve said. Including call me his girlfriend to someone he did NOT need to be talking about relationships with. He clearly wanted to. Yet, I still feel so shitty. I can only think of a handful of girls he has literally spent any time with since we broke up. One is another ex with a boyfriend that he left, so that’s not it. Two are fairly unattractive girls in his building, so it’s a possibility but seems unlikely to me. Two others are friends of his friend Spencer. Still a possibility, unless the date happened today, as they were out of town all day. I don’t know. There are just so many things that don’t add up if he’s really dating, but I’m terrified I’m hanging on to nothing or look crazy to all y’all. Do you genuinely think there’s still hope or feelings there if we manage to talk this out or try NC for real this time?
I’m desperate for feedback of any kind, so if anyone has anything, PLEASE let me know.
So apparently he’s on Tinder now… All of my friends are saying that’s just a false way of trying to move on and kid himself into thinking he’s over me. Particularly because it’s so out of character for him. All the guys are saying they have no luck meeting girls or getting dates and so they find it really hard to believe he already found someone to go out with. Either way, I feel devastated and have no idea what to think or how to deal with this. What do I do?
And after checking his tinder (don’t lecture me on the morality of this, I feel guilty enough now as is and won’t be doing it again), I’ve seen that he doesn’t have a profile set up, all the photos are ones his account would default to, and he has no matches or messages. I can only assume he may have downloaded it and then never used it, or something like that.
Regardless, I could still use insight… Anyone?
I’m sorry for not being here. Had an exam today and have another one in a few days >_<
I genuinely feel that there’s still hope. I know how hurt you feel right now. But remember that people always tend to think the worst, even when the situation is not so bad. I know this from experience. Early after the break up, I could lose my mind over something stupid. Like a few girls on his facebook and stuff like that. I won’t say that it’s not bother me right now at all. But it doesn’t bother me anymore as it was before.
He probably downloaded it just to make himself feel like he’s moving on or something. But in reality things are not THAT simple. Even if he goes on a date, it doesn’t mean that anything would come out of it. Even if he wants to find someone else, it’s not that easy forgetting the one you love and simply move on. And if he does that anyway, then it will be out of desperation or his love is just not strong enough to begin with it. However I don’t think that’s the case in your situation. Like you said he probably didn’t even use it. So try to calm yourself. I know how it feels when your mind is playing tricks on you but you have to stop overthinking. And if you feel like now it’s not the time to have a conversation with him about this things, than wait for the right time. However you two are too closed to each other to think that you’re not in the place of talking to him about it. Maybe you’re not an official couple, but you are still close and care for each other. I think you should still have an honest talk with him, and if you see that it’s not the same for him then at least you can find closure and move on.“Like a few girls on his facebook and stuff like that. I won’t say that it’s not bother me right now at all. But it doesn’t bother me anymore as it was before.” THIS. I always feel so terrible in the moment, and then end up feeling better later. I wish I could just feel okay about seeing girls like his status or things like that immediately. I don’t want to overthink things or feel bad when I know in the big picture that they mean nothing and I do mean something.
“He probably downloaded it just to make himself feel like he’s moving on or something. ” and “Like you said he probably didn’t even use it.”
I’m almost 100% sure he didn’t use it, based on him not really having a profile set up and no matches. I’ve seen his best guy friend on there (through one of my girlfriend’s Tinders) and I can only assume he probably told my ex to try it or download it. Tinder is a really out of character type thing for my ex, so I can’t see him using it much or at all. When he’s given me car rides, I’ve also had access to/use of his iPod (he doesn’t have a smartphone) and I’ve never seen Tinder on there. I don’t feel like he’d let me use it if he had it and were trying to hide it.“Even if he goes on a date, it doesn’t mean that anything would come out of it. Even if he wants to find someone else, it’s not that easy forgetting the one you love and simply move on. And if he does that anyway, then it will be out of desperation or his love is just not strong enough to begin with it.”
This is what my counselor told me. I went in and saw her, as I’m actually in town for once so we didn’t have to talk on the phone, and explained everything that happened to her. I told her I wasn’t going to give her my opinion on anything, as I wanted her unbiased thoughts when I was done. I kid you not, word for word, we thought the EXACT same things. She says he’s jealous, he’s not thinking straight, and he’s using the idea of another girl to get me riled up. His MO is to outburst with hurtful things or things that will stick in my brain (needing to move out, breaking up, etc.) so this is just another instance of that. He’s saying he’s going on a date with another girl to get a rise out of me and to get a reaction so he can feel better and know I love him. She said more likely than not, he doesn’t even have a date, considering he hasn’t really had any opportunity to meet anyone. And she said if he does have a date, he’ll spend the entire time comparing the two of us and realize that no girl is like me. They may have some of my traits or similar interests to him, but no girl is going to be as spot on for him as I am. She even thinks this whole thing could be good, as either way, jealousy or him dating a girl who isn’t right for him will light a fire under him to fix things with me.“I think you should still have an honest talk with him, and if you see that it’s not the same for him then at least you can find closure and move on.”
At some point, I will do this. I almost guarantee it. For now though, I think NC is genuinely what I need. At least for the next couple weeks, probably the full month. The only exception to this is when I have to be courteous to him at work or if he flat out said he missed me and wanted to fix things and we needed to talk.
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